Best/Worst Jokes

[Jolts]

So a guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Hey man, wanna hear a really funny dumb blonde joke?" and the bartender replies to this by saying "Well look at the other side of the bar, there are a few blondes that could easily beat you up. That table behind you also has a few, and there are at least 10 more blondes in this bar that could take you. Do you still wanna tell it?" The man then says "No, I don't want to have to repeat it."

 

[Cynuous]

So a guy walks up to a woman in a bar and says "GOD DAMN your ugly...but you know what....Beauty is only a light switch away!"

 

[FishBox]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are on an expedition through a thick jungle, when they're captured by cannibals and taken back to the cannibal tribe. They're called up, one by one, to the tribe leader, who speaks basic English.

The Englishman is called upon first, to which the leader says:
"We will skin you alive, burn you, eat you and turn your skin into a canoe. What is your final wish?"
To which the Englishman replies "I want a knife."
He gets the knife, shouts ''God Save the Queen!" and slits his throat.

The Frenchman is called up next, to which the leader says the same:
"We will skin you alive, burn you, eat you and turn your skin into a canoe. What is your final wish?"
To which the Frenchman replies "I want a knife."
He gets the knife, shouts "Viva La France!" and slits his throat.

The Australian is last, and is told the same old story:
"We will skin you alive, burn you, eat you and turn your skin into a canoe. What is your final wish?"
To which the Australian replies "I want a fork"
He gets the fork, repeatedly stabs himself in the chest and says 'FUCK YOUR CANOE!'

 

[Pinwheel]

so a seal walks into a bar

I've heard this joke a million times and it's still funny.
Except I always hear so a seal walks into a club.

 

[493pokemon1]

The Australian is last, and is told the same old story:
"We will skin you alive, burn you, eat you and turn your skin into a canoe. What is your final wish?"
To which the Australian replies "I want a fork"
He gets the fork, repeatedly stabs himself in the chest and says 'FUCK YOUR CANOE!'

I lold my a** off. ^.^

 

[scubasteve]

so a black guy a white guy and a mexican are hanging out and they come across a genie in a lamp and he grants them all three wishes the three fellas decide to take one wish each

the mexican says "i wish all the ******s in the world would go back to africa where they belong"

POOF - all the negros are gone they are in africa

the black guy says "i wish all the mexicans in the world would go back to mexico where they belong"

POOF - all the mexicans are gone they are in mexico

then the white guy says "ehhh i'll just have a coke"

 

[Oriax]

Why doesn't George W. Bush eat parrots? A little thing called cannibalism.
~~
Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake.

"How do I get to the other side?" "Duh! You ARE on the other side!"
~~
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.

 

[Sawah]

I didn't laugh at all three of those.

 

[The Midnight Channel]

Q:Why does Snoop Dog always need an umbrella?

A: Fo' Drizzle, yo.

Q: What do you call a Catholic that likes to travel?

A: A Romin' Catholic.

 

[Eric]

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

UDDER destruction

 

[ChillyAcademic]

Edward Cullen is so pale cause there's no sun in the closet. o_o

 

[Oriax]

Two elephants jump off a cliff.

Boom.
Boom.

Made me giggle earlier

 

[Winter the Wise]

Once upon a time, there was a man walking on a beach when he saw a girl with no arms and no legs. Why there was a girl with no arms and no legs on a beach and how the hell she got there is still a BIG mystery. As he passes her, she goes:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."

Now, this girl might have had no arms and no legs, but she was pretty hot, so he decided to pity her and bent down and gave her a kiss.

When he starts walking away again, she stops him when she says something else:

"Well, I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been felt up."

Even though she had no arms and no legs, she had a nice body for whatever reason, so he pities her again and does just that.

So, getting tired, he gets up and begins to walk away again. Then, she speaks again:

"I have no arms and no legs... and I've never been fucked."

The guy at this point walks over to her, picks her up, and then throws her into the ocean. Then, he says:

"There, now you're fucked!"



Oh god.

 

[The Midnight Channel]

What kind of man is supposed to sparkle?

Drag Queens.

 

[Optimus Rhyme]

what do you get when you cross a black, a jew, a mexican, and a woman?

someone I wouldn't want to move in next to me

 

[Hamster Lord]

There's this little kid and his parents are fighting. So his mom calls his dad a bastard and his dad calls his mom a bitch. So the boy goes to his mom and asks "what does bastard mean?" so she says "it means man." So then he asks his dad what bitch means and his dad says "it means woman." So his dad goes upstairs for a little bit and then his son watches him shave and his dad says shit. He asks his dad, "what does shit mean?" he says it means "a type of shaving." So then he goes downstairs and he sees his mom cutting turkey for the thanksgiving. While cutting the turkey she cuts herself and says fuck. So the little kid asks, "mom what does fuck mean?" she says "it's a way of cutting the turkey. So when the guests arrive the little kid walks into the living room and says "bastards and bitches my dad's upstairs shitting himself and my mom's fucking the turkey."

 

[Hamster Lord]

Ok so there are three guys that find out if you jump off this building and yell something you'll land in it and won't die. So the first guys jumps and screams "MONEYYYYYYYYYYYY" and lands in a huge wad pile of cash. So then the next guy jumps off and screams "WOMMMMEEEENNNNNNNN" so he lands in a big pile of women. The last guy jumps and trips and yells "SHHIITTTTTTTTT" and lands in a really big pile of SHIT

 

[Hamster Lord]

Your momma's so fat she was baptized in seaworld

 

[soraworldseen]

what did the table say to the hotdog on a plate?

...........Get off me, You WEENER!............

 

[Mythological Omega]

A white man, a black man, and a mexican stumble across a lamp with a genie inside. The genie appears and says, "Since 3 of you have found me, you all shall have 1 wish." He asks the black man what he wants and he says, "I want all of my brothers and I to live happily and peacefully in Africa." "So it shall be done," says the genie and the black man vanishes. He asks the mexican what he wants and he says, "I want all of my amigos and I to live happily and peacefully in Mexico." "So it shall be done," the genie says and the mexican vanishes. He asks the white man what he wants and he just looks at him. "So, you're telling me all the ******s and beaners are out of the country?" he asks. "Yes, that's correct," replied the genie. The white man shrugged his shoulders. "Eh, I'll take a Coke."