Noel

Alright. I'll sit here and make a decision on whether or not Jack goes home or stays.

lol. I take it, you missed me too? xD

Wow, I'm impressed you can get up so early each day, and be the co-captain of the swim team. Perhaps you have inspiring charisma? So, having two captains means you can split the amount of work that goes into it. Right?
In that case, I'll definitely be one of your customers someday. Long as you have some chocolate type pastries. ;D

You're making me want to play Crisis Core again. It'd be freaking sweet to see Sephiroth, Angeal, and Genisis go at it. Even better, if they could add more content to the game too.

ooh, I've heard of the Plain White Tee's. I like the Kills, The Killers, Fall Out Boy, and The Lumineers too. I'll have to check out the ones you suggested, and see how they sound. =] Any recommendations on what I should start with first?

I heard Hitman Reborn was good, but haven't had the chance to pick it up. Last manga I read was Bleach, Naruto, Assassination Classroom, One Piece, and a cooking one, which I can't remember the name of. xD
You'd be right about that. I like any steam punk book I can get my hands on. I like the Victorian era too. I'll get it off my kindle later, when I can.

It's alright. Doctor Who can be awesome, but it's not everyone's thing. lol. In fact, I only got into it last year, because of my friends. I was reluctant, but I get why a lot of people like the show. Any type of shows you like to watch?

Thanks Noel. Someday I hope you're right. C:

Thank you, Noble!

I appreciate it!

Why so early? Is it because you're on a swim team, Noel? Nice to hear, you're passionate about swimming as a whole. C: ooh a bakery! What kind of bakery would it be?

I couldn't agree more. I wish they'd put it on the ps3, because the psp is practically a dead console now. To few like the game, because of the gameplay. Yet, I think they're crazy to complain to begin with. lol.

What's your favorite band? What kind of music do you like?

Certainly! Where to begin?

I like music a lot myself. I usually listen to alternative, rock, and sometimes j-pop. I'm pretty open, when it comes to music, but I dislike country the most. My favorite band would be Hollywood Undead. But, I like Linkin Park, and Rob Zombie as close seconds.

I'm a lover of books. Mostly young adult fiction. Oh, I happen to like fan-fiction and manga a lot too.

At my friend's expense, I drive them crazy because, I take forever watching their favorite anime. xD I like regular tv shows, such as Big Bang Theory and Doctor Who.

I'm not in college, don't have a job, and don't have a passion for anything quite yet. :3

Okay. I think I'll stick to calling you Noel. Do you have swim practice on the week days? Trying to become a professional swimmer? Sorry, if this is too many questions. lol. xD I'm relaxing too at the moment, got a few things to type up shortly, and I still need to check out your new story update.

Do you like Final Fantasy Crisis Core? ouo What do you do in your free time?

Thanks for accepting the friend request! =D So, do I call you Noel or Noblesse? Yeah, I seem to do that a lot where I post. xD So, how are you doing today? Was my post in the rp alright with you?

I'll be jumping in whenever Pierce tells me to.

Aaaand there you have it. I may end up editing some awkward out of there, but it's overall staying the same. Post away when you're ready.

I'll get a post up super soon, within the hour or so if nothing comes up. I'll definitely have to be a bit more attentive now ;p

Alright, sounds good man!

Hey man, I got a quick favor to ask. I'm not gonna have my laptop for two days or so, so next time you post in the Persona thread, can you have Crystal ring Noel's doorbell or something? I'd appreciate it!

Thank you :3 Here's hoping that you, and others, join! ^^

You're welcome! Hope that helps~ ;w;

Hi! Creative Writing would be the best place for it.

Yeah giving the reader something they can relate to is always an awesome thing to do. Like, I imagine your story takes place with some futuristic aspects, so what might be cool is taking something that we today would consider high tech (or just something we use everyday) and make an off hand comment about how obsolete it's become. Like maybe the character keeps an MP3 player around his room for nostalgia, or because it belong to his dad/grand dad.
Or like how you mentioned he's waiting in line and he notices a flatscreen TV and how old school it is. You can do the opposite as well to mark in the reader's mind how similar things are, like maybe whatever the ground is made of or the fact that the little ropes are the same red velvet things, if there are ropes in that particular line. It's a cool thing to use!

You got it exactly. And your'e welcome. Sorry if I sounded like a college prof.; That's the way I advise, LOL.

No, no. Your'e thinking along the lines of description. Description is fine. I mean context. Like....Is the keyboard a death trap? Is it a computer being used to track a criminal? Is it recording school data? The words themselves mean little without context. If the reader has to ask themselves all these questions just to get the bare-bones as to what's going on, that's bad conveyance.

This is what I mean. Grand context as to the genre. These words have to go hand-in-hand with what's immediately going on. Descriptive detail is relative.

Long story short: Convey the setting of the story first. So, if this is a mech setting for instance, establish that quickly.

"The mission was complete at last. It didn't matter how deep the cave was, she still felt as though she was planted firmly onto the ground thanks to her mech's gravity regulators. Her body could feel the rumblings of her Knightmare Frame, but in her head, she could still smell the positive embrace of Alice's home-made cooking. As she cleared away the final rock separating her from the mineral extraction point, all she could do was play out her intended return home in her mind."

That's what I needed to know. Seeing the world from one perspective is fine. But the world wasn't really alluded to. "Keyboard" and "Yellow Fields" can work if they fit into an overall schema. But there wasn't enough from just what was written there to formulate the setting. It's futuristic....But that all I could gather.

And that was the problem. Conveyance. And yes, detail is what's needed. Just enough to establish the basics, but nothing spoiler-ific. (IE: If it's a post-apocalyptic setting, then just "What's left of humanity" or "after the global incident that changed our planet" is enough to convey the grand schema.)

Aww yis. It looks pretty good so far. You should make sure you're happy with how it all "sounds", if that makes sense. Like my writing style uses a lot of word play so I'm always worried it doesn't make as much sense to other people as it does me. So far your writing style seems straightforward though, so you might not have the same problems. But it still helps to think carefully where you put commas and such.

...None of that really has anything to do with the intro you posted by the way. That looked very well done, it's just me rambling, lol.

NP. :3

From what I'm reading, there's a clear preference to character focus rather than world building. It isn't that your setting isn't flowing, it's that it's being rushed straight to the back-burner. Meaning, there's too little exposition. If, for example, the character interaction was the introduction, followed by the character's POV of the setting....that would work. (That's just how I operate, though)

What I'm reading here seems to be trying to mesh the two together, (Which CAN work) but steers more toward character than setting. Your character's emotions are detailed just fine. But without a grand context to fit them into, it sort of....falls flat. (Especially the first three sentences. #s 1 and 2 seem to be within a context all their own, which is sorta glossed over)

"Keyboards" and "A yellow field" are rather vague for an introduction, and don't serve to establish the setting. There's no...."Conveyance?" Yeah, conveyance is a good word here.


Sorry if I'm making it sound complicated.I don't mean to. X)