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Spoiler ShowWell, I admire your enthusiasm to get out here and show us what you've done, but, to be fair, this is pretty sub-par. Your story is missing so much that I can't even call it a story. Understand that I'm not here to insult you-only to help. Still with me? Good. 'Cause we got a lot of ground to cover. Let's start wit the basics.
You're off to an excellent start. You've got a protagonist (Matthew) and an antagonist(Vanitas). That's the first step to constructing a plot. The trouble I'm finding is that you do not move on from this. You expect these two characters to do all the work explaining the plot and that is completely wrong. Why? Protagonist + antagonist + conflict = plot. See what you're missing? So, Matthew and Vanitas are fighting. So, what? Why are they fighting? Why do they care in the first place? Most importantly, why should the reader care? In order for the reader to better understand your story you need to explain to him what type of problem or "conflict" is going on between them. You see, a plot is all about a conflict and how the protagonist chooses to solve it. There is one more important thing regarding plot that you need to include. (Most critics will bite your head off if you don't. 8- 0) This is the climax. The climax happens when everything changes in the story. A good example of this would be if one character wins or loses in your story. This is what makes a plot a plot and it is essential to include.
The final point I have to make is attention to detail. Even with a good conflict readers are still going to want to see some spit and polish. That's where detail comes in. Don't hesitate to exaggerate. Point out every little thing that happens during the course of your plot. Get the readers excited. Make them feel like they really are in the fight instead of watching from the sidelines. If you can master this, you're well on your way to becoming a better writer.
Lastly, I have just a few nit-picky things to point out. First of all, watch your grammar. I'm not saying it's terrible, but try to proofread your work before posting. Second, this thing is filled with uncensored expletives. This makes a few readers uncomfortable, so try to warn us that they will be in there. Other than what I just posted, I think you have what it takes and would love to see an updated version if possible.
he yelled "get your FATASS down here if you value their lives"
then struck his ballsack Vanitas was in a lot of pain
"you DAMN MOTHER F.U.C.K.E.R I'LL KILL YOU DAMN F.U.C.K.I.N.G BITCH" said Vanitas in pain
while he was open for attacks Matthew would attack his privite parts
"huh nice try SEE YA BITCH!" Said Vanitas
dude where is chapter 4
i mightve barely glanced at the others, but i am excited
What if he's purposely making chapters 1-3 crappy purposely, not to troll, but to give us low expectations so when the epically written chapter 4 blows us away!?
I'm with you on this one.For the record, I hate all of you -_-
yeah that's it besides you'll be surprised by who visits Vanitas only clue to chapter 4What if he's purposely making chapters 1-3 crappy purposely, not to troll, but to give us low expectations so when the epically written chapter 4 blows us away!?