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vanitas attack on regular school CNN News rea world fan fic



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Roaringflames

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chapter 1 Vanitas strikes ( don't tell me it's to short )

Matthew was a weird boy, frist off he could weild the keyblade, and secondly he had a rivalry with Vanitas the creatue tained with the darkness. he once defeated Vanitas with his keyblade Gear of life once defeated Vanitas angered Vanitas attacked his school deathwood middle.

"ha ha ha now then there he is now to trap them all in darkness and have our final match"said Vanitas capturing everyone in darkness but saw matthew wasn't caught in the trap of his

"looking for me Vanitas" said Matthew slashing Vanitas on his mask throwing it off leaving a scratch on his cheeck

"still weild back handed i see that will be your dimise" said Vanitas

"bring it on Vanitas i'm still stronger than you"said Matthew
 

Chaosmax

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Grammar, punctuation, Capatilization errors and yes it is too short. Also try to put some more detail in this so the reader can actually feel like he or she is there.

Another thing please edit the name of the story (unless your making it a short story). Its not super bad and there are various ways you can go with this you just gotta put more effort into it man.
 

Orion

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Your absolutely stellar work never ceases to amaze even me.
 

Roaringflames

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Re: vanitas attack on regular school CNN News real world fan fic

May I ask how old you are?

I'm genuinely interested.
No don't ask again this is going to be 4 chapters

chapter 2 Fighting Vanitas

Matthew began the fight by slashing Vanitas while he was standing there but vanitas disappered when he striked only to appear behide him and strike. Then he came up with a better plan strike raid

"take this you dirty bastard"said Matthew

"huh nice try SEE YA BITCH!" Said Vanitas

suddenly police sirens rang Matthew saw that as a chance and knocked Vanitas out and handed him to the police
 

Pinwheel

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You ever consider writing a book? You're a fantastic writer.
 

Chaosmax

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Again its lacking so much man. You need to put a LOT more detail into it, make the fight realsitic and drag it out a bit before he would be captured :/

Seriously I don't know what else to say that hasn't been said already.
 

Evello

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May I ask how old you are?

I'm genuinely interested.
http://forums.khinsider.com/fanfiction/137017-fan-fic-writers-moving-sidewalk-12.html#post5390774

Don't post it if you don't want people to know.

Next, honestly, do you want to write good stories or not? If you do, ask for help, seriously. And listen to advice. People around here typically know what they are talking about in the grammar department (they do in plot and flow as well, but that's a bit more subjective, so you can sometimes work around criticisms there), and I'm sure plenty of us would be glad to help you out with grammar, flow, and punctuation. We (me at least, but I'm pretty sure others as well) want to help people improve. But you continue to refuse to use proper punctuation, sentence structure, and you continue to crank out obnoxiously short chapters with no detail. I don't mean to play "beat up on the new writer," but seriously, if you want to improve, then get help. If not, then why post in the first place?

The biggest improvement ever in my writing came when I had to stand up to critiques online. Take it as a challenge. Obviously, I'm not a professional, I'm still learning, but listening to people who know more than you is the first step to improvement.
 

Nyangoro

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Now that I know, I think I can give proper advice now.

Honestly, the best thing you can do to improve your writing is to focus hard on your English classes. Assuming that you are 12, I would imagine that you are probably in the 6th grade. That being the case, you really need to work on written English. To be completely honest, what I've seen from you is not 6th grade level writing.
 

Solar

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lay off him you guys, this is post-modern impressionist writing worthy to be called real art.

some really deep avante-garde stuff here
 

Roaringflames

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ACK I HATE MY COMUPTER i was writing chapter 3 then bam it went back damn f.u.c.k.i.n.g comupter any ways thank you for some comments and this chapter will reveal the true fight between them

chapter 3: what really happened

Matthew was watching CNN on his tv. He quickly turned it off and went to sleep on this fine sauterday thinking back to the fight. He was enjoing lunch when dark ropes appeared around everyone in the building he knew Vanitas was responsiable and quickly destroyed the rope around him just before Vanitas came in. When Vanitas came in he saw that Matthew was not caught in his trap

he yelled "get your FATASS down here if you value their lives"

Matthew quickly slashed him on his mask reavling his face with a scar he gave him then struck his ballsack Vanitas was in a lot of pain

"you DAMN MOTHER F.U.C.K.E.R I'LL KILL YOU DAMN F.U.C.K.I.N.G BITCH" said Vanitas in pain

"just try i'm still stronger"said Matthew strikeing his chest while he was in pain making him throw up blood then slapped him on his face making him say ow then he let him get back on his. while he was open for attacks Matthew would attack his privite parts and where he would throw up blood then the police came. Matthew saw this as an opertunity to strike his hands and strip him of the keyblade he was using before turning him in to the cops and told them to give him the death penalty

how's that anyone want to be some mysterious girls in the next chapter you can give them a name
 

Marly

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Wait, who the fuck is Vanitas?
 
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