I went to confession. I told the priest all my sins, and that I masturbated, and I cried in the box thing. I still felt guilty and hated every second of being in the box thing, and I did not feel as if the god i believed in had forgiven me. Then my friend told me he was an atheist, and I asked him what it was and it seemed to make much more sense to me than the Catholic-Christian lifestyle I had my entire life. I was pissed that I was sheltered from such a style and immediately gave up my faith in God. Every time someone says that it was someones time to die I myself feel me dying inside. My cousin had a little 5 year old cousin, her name was Sapphire. Her and her grandmother drowned trying to make it to her car. The little girls grandmother died trying to save her. This was a total mindfuck to me. How could such tragedies be happening in the real world. I saw this little girl not half a year ago standing in my camp's kitchen, I played legoes with her. I spoke with her grandmother. I couldn't see how people would put their faith in God, he couldn't even manage to save a little girl. I've witnessed the death of my grandmother and grandfather, both times my dad cried like a little kid. It's truly heartbreaking. How holy his this God that he could put someone through that. I see that as an act of something terrible. Maybe i'm not making sense, but I've put up with so much more death in my families than this and all this other bullshit that's gone on in my life that I have a hard time believing that there's a God looking out for me up there, or even a God period.
I know I rambled that time. Also, another big reason that I stopped believing was the fact that I grew up in a catholic extremist environment. I was always bored with religion and it all felt like a chore, and that's a big reason; I never felt like I had a spiritual connection with anything. I had more of a sleeping connection, church was boring as shit.