I'm not the one insulting XD I already did what I needed to do here, so I'm just having a few laughs.
Fanfiction ► Our Kingdom Hearts fanfic of total randomness!!
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I'm not the one insulting XD I already did what I needed to do here, so I'm just having a few laughs.
Insulting the author in the critique isn't the best way to get authors to listen to you.
Also, instigating doesn't help either.
I deleted the sentence with the "(Idiocy +1)", but it still needs to be fixed, grammar wise.
Tell me what other parts of my review you had a problem with, and then say how you think they should be said.
If you're talking about the (______ +1) bits, that was directed to the story, not the authors.
It still reflects on the writer, since they wrote what you are adding these points to.
When you come across as a jerk in your critique, the author is less inclined to take your criticism. You have to be encouraging, not discouraging.
If the author thinks you're attacking more than your helping, then what's the point of the critique in the first place? It fails to serve its purpose.
Of course, that's not to say that everything (or even the majority) of what you say comes across that way, but it only takes that first insulting comment to taint the whole review.
When you come across as a jerk in your critique, the author is less inclined to take your criticism. You have to be encouraging, not discouraging.
If the author thinks you're attacking more than your helping, then what's the point of the critique in the first place? It fails to serve its purpose.
Of course, that's not to say that everything (or even the majority) of what you say comes across that way, but it only takes that first insulting comment to taint the whole review.
thank you :] we know the grammar needs fixed its was just the insult that annoyed me.
honestly i dont have any other problems other than the idiocy comments, everything else was right imo.
also *just a thought* when you tell them run-on or weird formatting why not give an example in case their not sure whats wrong with it.
it may have been directed at the story but that still insulting the ones who write it, like nevermore said encourage not discourage.
Our Kingdom Hearts fanfic of pure randomness!
Chapter 22: Kill the Mouse! Take his House! (Part 1 of the Epic Mickey arc.)
At the Top of Yen-Sid's tower, the former Keyblade Master was looking into his crystal ball.
" It his worse then I feared. That devil managed to escape his prison, and step into the underworld! Worse, my former apprentice has plans on bringing him to full power. Sora, Riku, and Kairi grow, but not in the rate I foresaw. What has Aqua been doing?" He muttered to himself.
He sat down in his char, rubbing his forehead, and stroking his bread.
"I must also do what little I can for that unsent and The Wasteland, yet I fear I may be of little help to my creation. With Oswald's being full of envy, and hate for his younger brother, and The Blot's power growing. It may be too late." He told himself.
Then with a sudden snap in his brain.
"Maybe it's time I let Mickey clean his own mess." Yen-Sid thought to himself, as he made appear a large painting, of a swirling black abyss on his desk, and vanished.
Meanwhile back on Destiny Islands
"Come on Sora, show it to us!" Roxas begged.
"Please big brother, your murdering us!" Xion whinnied.
"Okay I'll show it to you, now just get off my legs!" Sora ordered as his siblings stopped begging.
Sora blew off dust from a large red book that said. Big book of pranks.
The twins looked as if they were looking at the Bible.
" I didn't know you were a prankster Sora." Xion said.
Sora looked at her with a grin.
"Where do guys think you got your stuff from?" He asked.
" I'll never look at you the same way Sora, now read it!" Roxas said.
As Sora was about to open, Riku walked it Sora's room. He looked quickly at the book, then at Sora who had a terrified look on his face. Riku summoned his Way to Dawn Keyblade with pure rage in his eyes.
"You lied to me!" He yelled as he was about to punch Sora in the face.
"Oh no!" Sora said as he summoned his Kingdom Key to block the attack.
Meanwhile In the Disney Castle.
King Mickey Mouse had been pacing the floor for days. He kept looking looking at an old mirror. It was one of the few things he had from his father left. He kept looking into it. He kept thinking a memory was forming in his head but it would always get away.
The Mouse King sat at his desk and banged his head on it. Soon his beloved wife Queen Minnie came in the room.
"Mickey what are you doing?" She asked.
"Trying to remember something!" Mickey explained while he continued to bang his head.
"Mickey Mouse, one silly memory is not worth hurting yourself." The Queen scolded.
"Sorry Minnie ha ha." The King apologized while rubbing his head.
Minnie then looked at the mirror, then back at Mickey.
"You just got back from the worlds, why not take a break?" She asked. Mickey looked as if he hadn't slept a wink in days.
He just gave her his trademark grin.
"I'm fine Minnie really it's just I think this memory is important." He explained.
"Well don't you have a friend that can help you?" The Queen asked.
Then an idea light bulb popped out of The Mouse's head.
"Namine! Minnie your a genus!" He said as he ran out the door.
"Mickey where are you going?" Minnie asked as she grabbed a hold of him.
"Don't worry Minnie I'll just be-"
" You not going anywhere mister! You have been running yourself ragged, now you are going to to rest." Minnie ordered as she sat him down at his desk.
"Yes ma'am." Mickey said weakly.
The queen gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"I'll send someone to get Namine for you." She said as she walked out of the room.
As soon as the door shut, Mickey felt of his eyes drop. He tried to fight his shutting down body, but he soon fell asleep.
Unknown to a sleeping Mickey from the mirror came a pair of large green eyes, as black goo started to form out of the mirror.
Meanwhile back on Destiny Islands again.( Really, why do you keep doing this? Ha beat you to it CA59!)
Kairi, Namine, and Aqua quickly sneaked out the back door of Kairi's house which was having tons of conflict at the moment.
"Kairi, I think Lightning scares me more then Larxene." Namine whispered.
"Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen Dad that mad. Who's Noel?" Kairi asked.
"Well you two, we better get to Sora's." Aqua said.
"Why?" They both asked.
The three heard a few crashes, and banging in the house. Soon they saw Lightning and Snow punching each other in the face, and rolling on the ground.
"Yeah, I hope Sora's place is more peaceful." Aqua hoped.
"I'll teach you to lie to me!!" Riku yelled as he was straggling Sora with one hand.
"GAGAAGAHH" Was all Sora could say.
Roxas tried to punch Riku in the face but he quickly blocked him. Xion grabbed a hold of her keyblade trying to break Riku's hold, but was whacked in the head by the book.
"Riku, what the hell?!" All of the girl's screamed.
He turned around and dropped Sora. Sora then, grabbed on to Kairi's leg. She quickly gave her friend the evil eye.
"He still has the book! After all this time and he promised us he burned it!" Riku yelled.
"Wait what?" Kairi and Namine asked, as Sora nodded at Xion to hide the book.
"What's all this about a book?" Aqua asked.
Before Riku could answer, a moogle carrying a letter came in flying in the house from an open window.
He flew to the Memory Witch and handed her a letter, with Mickey's royal seal.
"Mail for you kupo." He announced as he flew away.
Namine quickly opened the letter and read it to herself.
After a few minutes Namine put the letter down, and looked at Aqua.
"Master, can you give me a ride to Disney Castle? I need repay King Mickey a favor." She explained.
"Of course, in fact that gives me a great idea for what my next lesson is going to be." Aqua beamed.
All of the Keyblade wielders gave her a look.
Soon they were all at the beach, each of them were in a line. Aqua turned to them while summoning her keyblade and armor.
"Okay everyone,today I am going to teach you how to summon your KeyRiders." She stated.
Sora, Riku, and Kairi had summoned their their keyblades and armor.
Namine quickly took out her new drawing pad, pen, and started to draw.
Sora's armor seemed more like a body suit, then armor. From the top were two pointy sideways ears. On his chest was Sora's, trademark crown. The only thing that really stood out other then the bright, red, paint job, was the spikes sticking out of the end of his boots. Sora referred them as his "Ass kicking boots."
Riku's armor was pure black from head to toe, and just as skinny. His ears were tall and pointy like Terra's. On his arms, were Batman Style blades bending to the right. He even had a black cape.
Kairi's was the more unique of the three. Her armor was more cloth like. A sliver chest plate, sliver hardened skirt, arm bracers, spiked shoes. In fact the only thing that wasn't covered was her belly-button, and head.
Xion gave a few snickers.
"Why is my armor so reviling?" Kairi asked a little embarrassed.
"Well the armor comes from the Keyblade, and it expresses the wielders." Aqua explained.
"So when do we get to see the Key Riders?" Roxas said while yawning.
Aqua tapped on her Keyblade, blinding everyone in a bright light.
They all had a grin on their faces.
"Oh this is gonna be sweet." Riku muttered with a grin.
End of part 1 out of 4.
Chapter 22: Kill the Mouse! Take his House! (Part 1 of the Epic Mickey arc.)
At the Top of Yen-Sid's tower, the former Keyblade Master was looking into his crystal ball.
" It his worse then I feared. That devil managed to escape his prison, and step into the underworld! Worse, my former apprentice has plans on bringing him to full power. Sora, Riku, and Kairi grow, but not in the rate I foresaw. What has Aqua been doing?" He muttered to himself.
He sat down in his char, rubbing his forehead, and stroking his bread.
"I must also do what little I can for that unsent and The Wasteland, yet I fear I may be of little help to my creation. With Oswald's being full of envy, and hate for his younger brother, and The Blot's power growing. It may be too late." He told himself.
Then with a sudden snap in his brain.
"Maybe it's time I let Mickey clean his own mess." Yen-Sid thought to himself, as he made appear a large painting, of a swirling black abyss on his desk, and vanished.
Meanwhile back on Destiny Islands
"Come on Sora, show it to us!" Roxas begged.
"Please big brother, your murdering us!" Xion whinnied.
"Okay I'll show it to you, now just get off my legs!" Sora ordered as his siblings stopped begging.
Sora blew off dust from a large red book that said. Big book of pranks.
The twins looked as if they were looking at the Bible.
" I didn't know you were a prankster Sora." Xion said.
Sora looked at her with a grin.
"Where do guys think you got your stuff from?" He asked.
" I'll never look at you the same way Sora, now read it!" Roxas said.
As Sora was about to open, Riku walked it Sora's room. He looked quickly at the book, then at Sora who had a terrified look on his face. Riku summoned his Way to Dawn Keyblade with pure rage in his eyes.
"You lied to me!" He yelled as he was about to punch Sora in the face.
"Oh no!" Sora said as he summoned his Kingdom Key to block the attack.
Meanwhile In the Disney Castle.
King Mickey Mouse had been pacing the floor for days. He kept looking looking at an old mirror. It was one of the few things he had from his father left. He kept looking into it. He kept thinking a memory was forming in his head but it would always get away.
The Mouse King sat at his desk and banged his head on it. Soon his beloved wife Queen Minnie came in the room.
"Mickey what are you doing?" She asked.
"Trying to remember something!" Mickey explained while he continued to bang his head.
"Mickey Mouse, one silly memory is not worth hurting yourself." The Queen scolded.
"Sorry Minnie ha ha." The King apologized while rubbing his head.
Minnie then looked at the mirror, then back at Mickey.
"You just got back from the worlds, why not take a break?" She asked. Mickey looked as if he hadn't slept a wink in days.
He just gave her his trademark grin.
"I'm fine Minnie really it's just I think this memory is important." He explained.
"Well don't you have a friend that can help you?" The Queen asked.
Then an idea light bulb popped out of The Mouse's head.
"Namine! Minnie your a genus!" He said as he ran out the door.
"Mickey where are you going?" Minnie asked as she grabbed a hold of him.
"Don't worry Minnie I'll just be-"
" You not going anywhere mister! You have been running yourself ragged, now you are going to to rest." Minnie ordered as she sat him down at his desk.
"Yes ma'am." Mickey said weakly.
The queen gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"I'll send someone to get Namine for you." She said as she walked out of the room.
As soon as the door shut, Mickey felt of his eyes drop. He tried to fight his shutting down body, but he soon fell asleep.
Unknown to a sleeping Mickey from the mirror came a pair of large green eyes, as black goo started to form out of the mirror.
Meanwhile back on Destiny Islands again.( Really, why do you keep doing this? Ha beat you to it CA59!)
Kairi, Namine, and Aqua quickly sneaked out the back door of Kairi's house which was having tons of conflict at the moment.
"Kairi, I think Lightning scares me more then Larxene." Namine whispered.
"Yeah, I don't think I've ever seen Dad that mad. Who's Noel?" Kairi asked.
"Well you two, we better get to Sora's." Aqua said.
"Why?" They both asked.
The three heard a few crashes, and banging in the house. Soon they saw Lightning and Snow punching each other in the face, and rolling on the ground.
"Yeah, I hope Sora's place is more peaceful." Aqua hoped.
"I'll teach you to lie to me!!" Riku yelled as he was straggling Sora with one hand.
"GAGAAGAHH" Was all Sora could say.
Roxas tried to punch Riku in the face but he quickly blocked him. Xion grabbed a hold of her keyblade trying to break Riku's hold, but was whacked in the head by the book.
"Riku, what the hell?!" All of the girl's screamed.
He turned around and dropped Sora. Sora then, grabbed on to Kairi's leg. She quickly gave her friend the evil eye.
"He still has the book! After all this time and he promised us he burned it!" Riku yelled.
"Wait what?" Kairi and Namine asked, as Sora nodded at Xion to hide the book.
"What's all this about a book?" Aqua asked.
Before Riku could answer, a moogle carrying a letter came in flying in the house from an open window.
He flew to the Memory Witch and handed her a letter, with Mickey's royal seal.
"Mail for you kupo." He announced as he flew away.
Namine quickly opened the letter and read it to herself.
After a few minutes Namine put the letter down, and looked at Aqua.
"Master, can you give me a ride to Disney Castle? I need repay King Mickey a favor." She explained.
"Of course, in fact that gives me a great idea for what my next lesson is going to be." Aqua beamed.
All of the Keyblade wielders gave her a look.
Soon they were all at the beach, each of them were in a line. Aqua turned to them while summoning her keyblade and armor.
"Okay everyone,today I am going to teach you how to summon your KeyRiders." She stated.
Sora, Riku, and Kairi had summoned their their keyblades and armor.
Namine quickly took out her new drawing pad, pen, and started to draw.
Sora's armor seemed more like a body suit, then armor. From the top were two pointy sideways ears. On his chest was Sora's, trademark crown. The only thing that really stood out other then the bright, red, paint job, was the spikes sticking out of the end of his boots. Sora referred them as his "Ass kicking boots."
Riku's armor was pure black from head to toe, and just as skinny. His ears were tall and pointy like Terra's. On his arms, were Batman Style blades bending to the right. He even had a black cape.
Kairi's was the more unique of the three. Her armor was more cloth like. A sliver chest plate, sliver hardened skirt, arm bracers, spiked shoes. In fact the only thing that wasn't covered was her belly-button, and head.
Xion gave a few snickers.
"Why is my armor so reviling?" Kairi asked a little embarrassed.
"Well the armor comes from the Keyblade, and it expresses the wielders." Aqua explained.
"So when do we get to see the Key Riders?" Roxas said while yawning.
Aqua tapped on her Keyblade, blinding everyone in a bright light.
They all had a grin on their faces.
"Oh this is gonna be sweet." Riku muttered with a grin.
End of part 1 out of 4.
It's a small joke dude. Yep, behind every great leader is a powerful woman who can make him sleep on the couch. No A-man that book is too dangerous, even for you.
Sora caused untold chaos with that book. Of course I'm worried if you got a hold of it!
Good job. i like the connection to Epic Mickey involving Oswald. And Riku, strangling Sora will get you nowhere. Can't wait for the next parts.
I kinda thought of Bart and Homer when I wrote it.
i think of Anime and Video games when I write. right now I'm thinking of the main theme for my Sonic/Haruhi Suzumiya X-over and it's a tie between God Knows, Super Driver (Both from thee Anime), and His World (Main theme from Sonic 2006)
...What does that even mean?
If you know I'm going to say something like that, then make it better. Mentioning me in your story doesn't help matters.
It's a joke. I'm poking fun at my lazyness.
Oh .
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Nice~ XD good job Lan. I look forward fo more. Wow I missed quite an argument. Well I guess things are better now. Nice to see a new person commenting.
Thanks, also get ready for one heck of a cameo next part.
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