Kairi hugged her boyfriend back smiling.
“Sora I’m fine, and I didn’t scream.” She said.
Said a familiar voice at was right behind them.
"That", not "at".
clothed in a ruin black coat. He was biting into a sea-salt ice cream bar. Sora and Kairi knew this man all too well.
Do you mean "ruined"?
“Axel!” Sora yelled smiling.
Use a comma.
“Don’t Worry Sora I’ll save you!” Kairi screamed as she summoned her Keyblade.
Run-on. Also, why does she think he needs saving? (Idiocy +1)
“What?” Axel said as Kairi beat his head into the ground with her feminine Keyblade. The Princess of Heart then repetitively whacked the ex-Organization XIII member on the head.
Why is he just standing there?
“I’m not letting you hurt Sora or Kidnap me!” She yelled.
Run-on.
[Between whacks axel could barley say.
Run-on.
“Ouch, Kairi, I ouch, dang you got good, I’m sor-dang why do flowers hurt so much? Ouch!” The fire starter yelled.
Who writes that? "Ouch", I mean. You don't need to put that, it's stupid and unnecessary. Just show the readers that he's in pain somehow. (Idiocy +1)
[/quote]Sora said.
“Kairi stop, Axel’s a good guy now.” He said while grabbing on to the tip of her Keyblade.[/quote]
Besides that, the sentence needs to be fixed.
“Kai I want to say I’m totally sorry for everything, but man you fight like a bitch.” Axel said.
Comma after "Kai".
Kairi stuck out her tongue.
“That’s miss bitch to you.”
You did not have to skip a line.
“So red how did you wind up here?” He asked.
Why would he call him that?
“We’ll after I blew myself but to save my buddies, everything went black. I prayed my ass off that I wouldn’t go to hell. Then some guy wearing ripped Org coat, with a glowing eye ball, said I’d get another chance. So I would up in the Realm of Darkness.” He explained while biting into another sea-salt ice-cream bar.
Why did he shorten "Organization"? Also, the word "a" should come before "ripped".
"We'll" should be "Well", and "would" should be "wound".
One of Riku’s eyes started to twitch.
“Did you say Realm of Darkness?” He asked.
You didn't have to skip a line.
Meanwhile
In the bad part of the new Radiant Garden,
Again, you didn't have to skip a line. Also, what exactly IS the bad part?
What is a "cowboy thing"?
"Vial".
Indeed the man Braig brought back from the dead was the infamous and complete monster: Master Xehanort.
Who then screamed in pure agony, and falling to the floor.
Comma after indeed.
“Hey Master, long time no see. What’s it been ten years?” His minion asked.
Comma after "been".
“Braig, what happened?” He asked
Period at the very end.
Xehanort finally got up, having it all come back to him.
“Ah yes Sora, I remember that little runt. All part of the plan.”
Braig raised an eye brow.
Skip a line after the second one, and either merge the first two lines together, or skip a line after the first as well.
“Um excuse me, you mean to tell me all of that was planned? The Organization failing? You getting your ass whooped by a kid, who can’t even walk into a bar? All of that was planned?!” He yelled.
Why is he cussing unnecessarily?
The FreeShooter started to hear music, and watch Xehanort begin so shake.
“Braig what’s happening to me?” He asked.
The "S" in Freeshooter shouldn't be a capital letter. Also you could either skip another line, or put the two lines together.
“In the dark of the night I was tossing and turning
and the nightmare I had was as bad as can be. It scared me out of my wits.
A master of Darkness and Nothingness beat by some spiky haired ditz.
Then I opened my eyes and the nightmare was...me!!” He yelled as started strangling Braig.
I was once the most powerful Keyblade Master in all the worlds. WhenEraqus betrayed me he made such a mistake!
The plan was going my way, but that girl got in my away!
Well little Aqua beware, because Xehanort is up and awake!” He sang as he saw a vision through a crystal nall of the girl fighting a large Darkside.
Heartless started to appear in the in hideout and sang
“In the dark of the night evil will find her
In the dark of the night just before dawn!”
Xehanort grinned as he created a portal of darkness.
“Revenge will be sweet!”
“When Kingdom Hearts is complete!” The Heartless sang as they entered the portal.
“In the dark of the night, she’ll be gone!” He proclaimed
“I can feel that my powers are slowly returning!” He muttered as he blasted Braig with dark energy balls.
The formatting here is odd.
“I’ll get you for this old man. I’ll give you hell! The Terra side of him yelled.
What did the "Terra side" look like? Also, there's no pair of quotation marks after "hell!".
“As the pieces fall into place
I'll see her crawl into place!” He yelled into a crystal
Weird formatting.
“In the dark of the night terror will strike her!”
“Terror's the least I can do!” He screamed.
“In the dark of the night evil will brew.” His heartless choirs sang.
“Soon she will feel that her nightmares are real.” The Master sang as he watched Aqua struggle against the wave after wave of Heartless.
“In the dark of the night, she’ll be through!” Xehanort yelled watching Aqua get weaker.
Back in the Realm of Darkness Sora, Riku, Kairi, and Axel were busy fighting off shadows, who sang.
Too many spaces between most of the lines.
“In the dark of the night, Evil will find her. Find her! In the dark of the night terror comes true. Doom her!”
"Evil" and "dark" shouldn't be capped.
“Who the heck is she?” Axel asked while throwing one of his Chakrams, and slicing a Heartless’s head off.
I personally wouldn't capitalize "Chakrams", but whatever.
Riku stabbed a few.
“What I want to know is, why heartless are singing?” He asked.
Weird formatting.
Kairi smashed one of the red floating ones into a large body.
“Sora, Riku, didn’t you guys say there was a beach? She asked.
See above.
“News flash Princess we don’t know how to get to said beach.” Axel said.
Run-on.
Suddenly in front of all four of them a man in a ripped, worn out, black coat appeared. He seemed to have a light in his right eye, and a crystal necklace around his neck.
“Follow me.” He muttered softly.
The formatting here is also strange.
“Guys I think that guy wanted us to follow him.” Sora said stating the oblivious.
It's "obvious".
Back in the Mafia hideout
Xehanort was summoning more dark energy.
Do scene changes properly.
“Come my Heartless, rise for your master! Let your evil shine!” He sang as more and more Darksides appeared in the Realm of Darkness.
Either capitalize "Heartless" or don't. Choose one, instead of constantly switching. (Inconsistency +1)
On of the Darksides had grabbed, the blue haired Keyblade Master, and started to squeeze on her broken body.
There doesn't need to be a comma after "grabbed".
“Ven, Terra, Master. I’m so sorry,I can’t fight like this anymore.” Was her last thoughts before she pasted out.
This sentence needs to be fixed.
“She'll be mine!!” He screamed.
Who's "he"? This will confuse some readers.
“Hey assholes, drop the girl and I won’t chainsaw your asses!” Sora yelled from behind them.
What is with the unnecessary cursing? I'm just curious.
We know that...we're not morons.