Alright, so I was just thinking that I wanted to critique something; and wouldn't you know it, someone went and posted something. What luck, amirite? Don't worry, I won't be mean (probably), and overall try and be as nice as possible (maybe). I tend not to sugarcoat though, just saying. I'll be using Annoyance's particular style of critiquing, because it's certainly better than what I was doing before. OK, rambling done, critique/general comments now:
In the late afternoon [comma] a woman screamed in pain. A pain no man would ever experience.(1) A mid wife(2) was present [comma] helping the young woman. Outside the small house [comma] a man paced, waiting nervously. Wondering when a new life would be born inside.(3)
The man cringed when he heard his wife’s screams of pain. He stopped for a moment and looked up at the night sky. He could see a dull star, twinkling.(4) Cries replaced the screams [comma] and joy filled the air. The dull star grew brighter and gave off a magnificent light.(5)
As the man approached the entrance of the small house, he smiled. Inside the small one bedroom home [comma] the woman lay on the bed holding a small baby wrapped in a pink blanket.
The woman smiled as she seen(6) her husband approaching. The mid wife smiled and stepped back.
“She’s going to be special, a true miracle.(7)” the mid wife said [period]
The man smiled back(8) and rushed to his wife. He knelt by her side [comma] staring at the newborn she held.
“She’s beautiful [comma]” he said [period]
“What should we name her?” the(9) wife asked [period]
The husband thought for a moment. “How about Cora?”
“Cora? I like that [comma]” the wife replied back [period]
The husband smiled and kissed her forehead.
(1): Clever; and no, I don't mean that in a defensive male kind of way. I rather liked that line. A much better way than just saying "a pregnant woman was having a baby". Good job!
(2): Midwife. One word.
(3): Not a full sentence. It's just a clause. You want to either attach it to the prior sentence, or add something after it as part of the sentence.
(4): Maybe it's just me, but I find something a bit contradictory in the idea of a
dull star twinkling.
(5): Just a quick question: Does that have any relevance later in the story, or is it just symbolism. If it's the latter, then I don't really like it. It feels arbitrary and an overall unbelievable coincidence. That's just me, though.
(6): Use "saw". "Saw" is the past tense of "see". "Seen" is the past participle and is used with the word "had".
(7): Use a comma instead of a period. When a dialog tag (he said, she said, etc.) follows a declarative or imperative statements (sentences that end with periods), you end the sentence with a comma and the closing quotation marks.
(8): Wasn't he already smiling? I don't know, seems redundant.
(9): It isn't absolutely required, but I think it'd be better if you said "his" wife. It makes it more personal. Also, you said "his wife" earlier; and it's usually good to be consistent.
“Honey we got another letter [period/exclamation]”
Its(1) been three months since the young parents brought a baby girl into the world. Kevin and Scarlet were their names.(2) Ever since the birth of Cora [comma] they (3) been receiving letters from an unknown person.
Kevin looked up from feeding Cora. “Again?”
“This is getting extreme comma]” Scarlet complained. “This can’t be a joke [period]”
Kevin got up [comma] holding Cora in his arms. Scarlet reached for her while Kevin reached for the letter. Kevin carefully tore the envelope and examined the letter inside.
Scarlet looked at Kevin anxiously. He had no expression on his face.
“Well?” Scarlet said [comma] breaking Kevin’s concentration.
Kevin gulped and turned the letter towards Scarlet. Scarlet gasped as she laid eyes on the blood splattered letter.
“They’re coming tonight” Kevin said silently [period] (3)
“What do we do!?” Scarlet asked [comma] panicking [period]
“We leave, NOW!”
(1): Use "it's". "It's" is a contraction, "its" is a possessive pronoun.
(2): I might be splitting hairs (but hey, that's the idea for this part of the critique), but I prefer names to have a certain consistency. It's fine if you explain different name styles (and there are multiple ways to do that); but as it is, it just bugs me to have the family members' names be "Kevin", "Scarlet", and "Cora". I suppose it's fine this time (generally, people don't like rename characters that they've already created), so just keep it as a mental note.
(3): You'd either have to say that "Kevin whispered" or "Kevin said quietly (another adverb that indicates a lowered tone)". The word "silently" means "without sound". If he spoke "without sound", it would be very difficult for Scarlet to hear him
It was an hour past sunset [comma] and dark figures ran through the night. About a dozen surrounded Kevin and Scarlet’s home. One by one each figure crashed into the window.(1) Each landed skillfully into the crowded room.
“They are not here [comma]” one figure spoke aloud.(2)
Another figure stepped forward. He was clearly the leader of the group.(3) He turned around quickly. “Outside [period/exclamation]”
In synchronization [comma] each figure jumped out the door [comma] heading outside.
_______________
Kevin and Scarlet ran through the dark forest ground.(4)
“Are they behind us?” Scarlet panted [period] (5)
Kevin glanced back and saw shadows jumping along the trees.
“Just keep running and hold Cora tight [period/exclamation]”
The figures were gaining speed on the two runners. Kevin glanced back and saw a figure in mid air(6). Kevin pushed Scarlet [comma] and she began rolling down a steep part of the forest. Scarlet tucked Cora into her chest as she rolled.
Half the figures went after Kevin while the other half went after Scarlet. As Scarlet rolled deeper into the forest [comma] her grip was loosening (7). Cora slipped out of her hands.
Scarlet crashed into a boulder at the bottom. Scarlet panicked as she looked at her empty hands. Six figures landed, surrounding her.
“Where’s the child [question mark]” one figure spoke aloud [period]
Scarlet was breathing heavily. “I don’t know [period]”
“You Lie!” the figured stepped forward [period]
Each figure pulled out a blade that shone metallic gold in the moonlight.
“KEVIN!!" (8)
(1) Technically, they couldn't all have crashed through the same window; unless the window fixed itself immediately after one of them crashed through it.
(2): Seems redundant. If he's speaking, one would assume it was aloud. The only time you would verify is if it came after a character's thoughts expressed as dialog.
(3): Why?
(4): Don't you mean "across"?
(5): Try not to get too creative with dialog tags, as it often leads writers into traps. In this case, the "Impossible Tag" trap. You can't "pant" words, so that doesn't work. Another example would be using "she laughed". You can't laugh and speak at the same time, hence the dilemma. Fortunately, the solution not only fixes this impossibility, but it also enhances writing just by the descriptive wording. Here, you could use a tag like, "she said through short gasps of breath".
(6): Midair. One word.
(7): Say "Her grip loosened". It makes the sentence more succinct and less awkward.
(8): More of a preference, but I generally don't like it when authors use the "ALL CAPS" or the "multiple exclamation marks!!!" to express emotion. It makes me think that the writer simply doesn't know any other way to show intense emotion.
Kevin stopped and listened for Scarlet’s voice. As he was ready (1) to sprint off [comma] the other six dark figures surrounded him. Each metallic blade popped out one by one.
“What do you want?” Kevin pleaded [period] (2)
“You know what we want [comma]” a figure spoke [period]
“But why? I don’t understand. She’s just a baby [period/exclamation]”
____________
Screams broke through the still night. The figures left Kevin and Scarlet’s unmoving bodies. Each lay (3) in their own blood. The dark figures left when they couldn’t find the prize they were searching for.
The sun started to rise and the darkness around the forest began to disappear. As animals scurried from their borrows [comma] they paused and listened. A cry was echoing through the forest. A cry of human life waiting (4) to be found.
(1): "About" would work better here, as state of readiness isn't really relevant here.
(2): It's not a "plea". It's a "question". These are two entirely separate ideas. I understand the emotion you are trying to convey, but it still doesn't make sense to use that word where you did.
(3): Use "lie".
(4): Use "waited".
Whew! Now that I've got the more in-depth look out of the way, time for some general comments!
1) Watch your commas and your periods. You tend to forget them. In particular, you forget commas when separating independent clauses from dependent ones. With periods, you usually forget to add them to the end of dialog tags that end a sentence.
2) The writing feels more like a skeleton than the final body. The description is pretty lacking. Granted, you use a few descriptions in there, and they are good for the most part; but I feel that you should really add more. It's similar to how signatures are critiqued in the Digital Media section. By comparison, it's like you have the decent enough background, the stock, and a couple scattered effects; but it's too empty.
3) As far as the story goes, all I can really say is that I see potential (still, I'm usually able to say that). As it stands, there isn't anything that's really unique or standout-ish. I understand that's impossible to be completely original, but the challenge that writers have (especially writers today) is how to make the original interesting. All in all, it could be a really good story; but it's only the beginning, so I can't say for sure.
Keep at it and keep improving!
