Wow, it’s been a lot longer than I’d like to admit since the second part of this triad of editorials. Just about two months. It happens. And now after that dramatic wait we get into the dramatic finale to the epic trilogy. In the beginning, I talked about how I fell in love with the Kingdom Hearts series. In the gripping sequel I explained how Kingdom Hearts and I ended our lovely affair. And now, in this final piece, I’ll reveal the ultimate question: Can Kingdom Hearts and I rekindle our flames of passion and fall in love once more, or was the fallout too damaging to our young love? FIND OUT NOW.
Look, I think I’ve made my issues clear to you and probably a divorce court as to why I split from Kingdom Hearts. I threw myself at the mercy of the court because honestly, I just didn’t want to pay alimony. Call me selfish, but I don’t think I’m in the wrong here. I don’t think these issues are irreparable though. In fact, I think with a little work (mostly from her side, not mine), we can get back into a very healthy relationship. You know, for the kids, provided they’re content with only having one Christmas again.
First and foremost, Kingdom Hearts needs to stop being so complicated with me. When we were still married, she'd come home from work and I wouldn't even know who she was anymore. I had trouble just managing the different interactions between the thirteen unique organization members, let alone dealing with whatever Xion is supposed to be or that really poorly-designed X-Blade. Or figuring out why Vanitas looks like Sora (don’t try to explain it, I’ve given up hope on that part of her). Look, I want to go back to the early days when KH and I had just started dating. Sora left Destiny Islands to go find his friends and he discovered some really cool Disney worlds along the way. Light was slowly shed on the story and we were teased with something greater. But now it’s just too much. Baby, let’s go back to the days where we could converse, not now where you talk about every facet of your day and I’m lost to the details.
So hey, can you stop being pedantic and just get to the point already? I really don’t care about Xion. I really don’t. To be honest, I don’t care about most of what you tell me from work. I don’t care about the guy from the accounting department who left you a nasty note because you didn’t leave enough coffee for him. You probably deserved that note anyway. All I want is the crucial summary of your day. You did a great job of giving me an introduction and a firm middle, now where’s the climactic ending? Stop padding with useless details. Stop meandering around trying to distract me from the main cause. You know what I want. I want you to put out for once.
I mean Kingdom Hearts III, of course. Look, the secret ending to the second game’s Final Mix was really cool. And hey, Birth by Sleep isn’t the worst thing you’ve invented to stir up our love again, but you need to cut the crap with the rest of it. Days? Coded? 3D? Seriously, knock it off. I want Kingdom Hearts III. Sometimes when I go to the bar with my friends they make a point to ask me about how our relationship is going. They ask about Kingdom Hearts III. And you know what? I don’t know what to tell them anymore.
Secondly, I wish you could bring out your fun side a little bit more. I remember when KH and I first started dating she used to be all about the Disney characters and worlds. There was some other stuff thrown in, but Disney used to be a giant web that held everything together, including our budding romance. I know you’re running out of ways to keep things fresh: there are a finite amount of Disney movies. But imagine all the possibilities you haven’t explored. I’m looking at you, Pixar. Don’t you hold out on me.
Basically, just surprise me sometimes. I get tired of coming home to the same dinner or watching the same movies on HBO every week. That doesn’t make for a very romantic relationship and you know it. It’s exactly why I’ve been sleeping around with The Legend of Zelda. Look, I know you have a nice formula all lined up. You’re in a comfortable routine where you just go through each iteration with the same mindset as the last. But it doesn’t have to be that way! Remember when Chain of Memories came out and you introduced this new card-based mechanic? That was cool. It definitely needed some work, but it was progress via baby steps. That’s all I’m asking for. And adding something like parkour mechanics in your game doesn’t feel like a real change. It feels like an unhealthy distraction. Just like your cupcakes.
And look, I’m not saying we won’t fight every now and then. Every healthy relationship is going to get into an argument sometimes. But maybe that’s part of the problem: I’ve never felt challenged by you. You always just let me win. What you don’t understand is that it’s not about the feelings of victory – I’m not some jerk who only cares about the end goal – it’s about how we got there. It’s about the journey we took and the feelings conveyed. It’s about not just TAPPING THE X BUTTON 300,000 TIMES IN ONE PLAYTHROUGH AND WINNING EVERY TIME. See, I’m getting confrontational again. Are you going to ante up this time or do I win again? Ball’s in your court.
I know I’m asking a lot of you, and I don’t exactly expect you to live up to my expectations. You haven’t so far. And I'm also not going to make the promise that I'll take you back because I'm young and relatively attractive and I can maybe get a hotter woman in my life anyway, but I think you might still be able to impress me. And given your poor track record and constant disappointments in the past few years, I think I'm beig very understanding. You're welcome. Look, I get that you have to cater to thousands and thousands of other lovers, many of whom like who you are right now. And maybe that’s all you want, KH. Maybe you just want to be loved for who you are. But understand that you’re not a good person, KH. Not to me and not to a lot of your other now ex-lovers. It’s not too late to get a few of us back; all we’re asking is that you just change who you are. Just a little bit. After all, it’s a new year with fresh possibilities to explore. Try something different.
What’s that? Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 ReMIX? WE’RE THROUGH.
What about you? Is your love for Kingdom Hearts still going strong, or are you too considering a divorce? Or is it that you've long been estranged? Is there any way for you to get back into the series, or has it lost you for good? WHY ARE YOU HERE???
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