Hi. Another moping thread from me.
Basically I got to know this girl called Sadie six months ago and over this period of time we talked a hell of a lot and we had this sort of connection going on. Nothing relationship since I was already with someone at the time but we got on a lot, and we would spend hours talking. Anyway, so a few weeks ago we kinda stopped talking for whatever reason, she didn't come on Skype or MSN anymore and I didn't bother contacting her because I was going through some really bad personal stuff and just wanted to hide away.
So about a week ago or more I got into contact with her and she comes on Skype and we catch up a little bit. Turns out she's got with this guy but she still has all these feelings for me... or so she says. I mean, when she says "I love you" it kinda makes you think that she loves you, right? And she was like, "I don't want you touching anyone else. Say you're mine." But she was perfectly okay with being with someone else... and hated me moving on.
Two days ago on July 7 it just all built up and I got really hurt because I was thinking, Am I really not good enough? After everything I've done for you, am I really not good enough? After all the hours we talked, all the stupid stuff we did, all the support and advice I gave you? And you move on like it's nothing? July 7 is the day when my boyfriend of several years died in 2009, so naturally it's a very painful thing for me. And I was really upset and crying over it and she was comforting me, and then last night she just turns into a class-A cunt.
With everything going on I was just an emotional wreck and I was bawling my eyes out because I feel so lonely, really lonely, like no matter how hard I try I just ruin everything without even knowing it and it's almost as if I'm not even destined to be happy. And it's probably hormones because I'm due on my period or something but I really just wanted to die last night it was so bad. And I was begging her, telling her to not just brush me aside, like I'd do anything for her to just love me or whatever. And she just told me I'd get over it and that really hurt.
What hurts even more is that I can give her more than this person she's with. I've been through more with her, put up with her dramatics when she's been irrational, I've done loads for her. And I ask her to consider me, just me, and she's like, "Yeah, I'm going to church to pray on it, I'll be back later." And I know this guy she's with and we talk cordially and everything, he's nice, but she came back from church and I asked how it was, did she have a good time, and for the whole day she just blanked me. So in a fit of rage or whatever I said I was going to go and talk to this other guy called Richi who she has this history with (coincidentally someone she hates me talking to because it gets her jealous that I might actually enjoy spending time with him), and then I fell asleep.
So last night I wake up at half two in the morning and jump on AIM like an idiot to see if she's online, and there she is, and I say hello and sorry for bugging her so much during the day, and I asked if she'd slept well (since she hadn't slept the night before) and she told me she wasn't even asleep... So she just blanked me the whole day to talk with her boyfriend when
A) She confesses all these feelings for me
B) Knows I'm in a lot of pain over this July 7 thing
C) Says she hates me being with anyone else
D) I've done a million things for her and always been nice with her even if I've been having a shitty day
The worst is that not even 24 hours ago she was telling me she was so hurt over me, because I told her that if she was just going to play with my feelings it wasn't healthy for me to be around her because I know what emotional pain feels like, I've been through it before, and as much as it kills me to know she's having all these lovey-dovey moments with someone else I just have to cut out the bad spot no matter how much it hurts and try to move on. And she was begging me not to go. But then she goes to church, has this stupid fucking revelation and then blanks me for the whole day, treats me like shit in the night and only gives me attention whenever her boyfriend isn't around.
Like it irritates the fuck out of me, I'm so hurt over it you don't even know. I know what I said yesterday hurt her and I'm glad because I want her to know how it feels for ME. But now she's acting so unphased by it all, she won't even rationalise with me, she just says my name patronisingly and doesn't show any emotion at all. It's so frustrating and last night I wanted to strangle her. Physically wanted to suffocate her.
I don't know what to do. I really do like her, a LOT, and I know she feels the same way about me but then she's like "I love you in the sense that I care for you and stuff a lot" and I'm like BUT WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM MAKE IT FUCKING MUTUALLY CLEAR THAT IT'S NOT ACTUALLY LOVE IT'S JUST AFFECTION SO YOU DON'T LEAD THEM ON. Even thinking of it now makes me want to hit her in the face and break her fucking nose and just lay ruin to every part of her stupid body until she fucking regrets everything she's done and is doing to me.
I don't even know what I want by typing this. I want to know how to hurt her emotionally, I want to take everything away from her and show her how it feels to be stripped bare by someone you bent over backwards for and then were crushed by.
Ugh.
Basically I got to know this girl called Sadie six months ago and over this period of time we talked a hell of a lot and we had this sort of connection going on. Nothing relationship since I was already with someone at the time but we got on a lot, and we would spend hours talking. Anyway, so a few weeks ago we kinda stopped talking for whatever reason, she didn't come on Skype or MSN anymore and I didn't bother contacting her because I was going through some really bad personal stuff and just wanted to hide away.
So about a week ago or more I got into contact with her and she comes on Skype and we catch up a little bit. Turns out she's got with this guy but she still has all these feelings for me... or so she says. I mean, when she says "I love you" it kinda makes you think that she loves you, right? And she was like, "I don't want you touching anyone else. Say you're mine." But she was perfectly okay with being with someone else... and hated me moving on.
Two days ago on July 7 it just all built up and I got really hurt because I was thinking, Am I really not good enough? After everything I've done for you, am I really not good enough? After all the hours we talked, all the stupid stuff we did, all the support and advice I gave you? And you move on like it's nothing? July 7 is the day when my boyfriend of several years died in 2009, so naturally it's a very painful thing for me. And I was really upset and crying over it and she was comforting me, and then last night she just turns into a class-A cunt.
With everything going on I was just an emotional wreck and I was bawling my eyes out because I feel so lonely, really lonely, like no matter how hard I try I just ruin everything without even knowing it and it's almost as if I'm not even destined to be happy. And it's probably hormones because I'm due on my period or something but I really just wanted to die last night it was so bad. And I was begging her, telling her to not just brush me aside, like I'd do anything for her to just love me or whatever. And she just told me I'd get over it and that really hurt.
What hurts even more is that I can give her more than this person she's with. I've been through more with her, put up with her dramatics when she's been irrational, I've done loads for her. And I ask her to consider me, just me, and she's like, "Yeah, I'm going to church to pray on it, I'll be back later." And I know this guy she's with and we talk cordially and everything, he's nice, but she came back from church and I asked how it was, did she have a good time, and for the whole day she just blanked me. So in a fit of rage or whatever I said I was going to go and talk to this other guy called Richi who she has this history with (coincidentally someone she hates me talking to because it gets her jealous that I might actually enjoy spending time with him), and then I fell asleep.
So last night I wake up at half two in the morning and jump on AIM like an idiot to see if she's online, and there she is, and I say hello and sorry for bugging her so much during the day, and I asked if she'd slept well (since she hadn't slept the night before) and she told me she wasn't even asleep... So she just blanked me the whole day to talk with her boyfriend when
A) She confesses all these feelings for me
B) Knows I'm in a lot of pain over this July 7 thing
C) Says she hates me being with anyone else
D) I've done a million things for her and always been nice with her even if I've been having a shitty day
The worst is that not even 24 hours ago she was telling me she was so hurt over me, because I told her that if she was just going to play with my feelings it wasn't healthy for me to be around her because I know what emotional pain feels like, I've been through it before, and as much as it kills me to know she's having all these lovey-dovey moments with someone else I just have to cut out the bad spot no matter how much it hurts and try to move on. And she was begging me not to go. But then she goes to church, has this stupid fucking revelation and then blanks me for the whole day, treats me like shit in the night and only gives me attention whenever her boyfriend isn't around.
Like it irritates the fuck out of me, I'm so hurt over it you don't even know. I know what I said yesterday hurt her and I'm glad because I want her to know how it feels for ME. But now she's acting so unphased by it all, she won't even rationalise with me, she just says my name patronisingly and doesn't show any emotion at all. It's so frustrating and last night I wanted to strangle her. Physically wanted to suffocate her.
I don't know what to do. I really do like her, a LOT, and I know she feels the same way about me but then she's like "I love you in the sense that I care for you and stuff a lot" and I'm like BUT WHEN YOU TELL SOMEONE YOU LOVE THEM MAKE IT FUCKING MUTUALLY CLEAR THAT IT'S NOT ACTUALLY LOVE IT'S JUST AFFECTION SO YOU DON'T LEAD THEM ON. Even thinking of it now makes me want to hit her in the face and break her fucking nose and just lay ruin to every part of her stupid body until she fucking regrets everything she's done and is doing to me.
I don't even know what I want by typing this. I want to know how to hurt her emotionally, I want to take everything away from her and show her how it feels to be stripped bare by someone you bent over backwards for and then were crushed by.
Ugh.