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αsiя

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I'm not gay but one of my friends is
I sometimes kick it with him but I don't really care
The hardest thing for him was telling his parents
His parents (mostly his dad) hate gays
So it was hard for him
So what I'm trying to say is be open and if someone makes fun of you then be like "FUCK YOU"
 

krexia

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now, in MY opinion because of this (keeping in mind he loves her) a preexisting relationship where love has been established outranks any other possible similar relationship so even IF he was willing to break it off with his girlfriend he shouldn't if not only for that reason.
In this particular case, I do agree that if the OP isn't sure he should wait a while until he's more sure where his feelings for his friend lie - so long as he isn't cheating on his girlfriend with her.

But I disagree with your premise that an existing relationship is always better than a potential one. I've seen far too many friends who are miserable because they're unwilling to risk breaking off an existing relationship. I have one very good friend who was actually clinically depressed for half a year because of the shit she went through with her boyfriend - because both of them were forcing themselves to maintain their relationship just for the sake of maintaining an existing relationship. Obviously there's a risk with greener grass syndrome: that you'll always want something more than what you have. But saying that existing relationships should always be afforded special status carries risks of its own.
 

Gildragon

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In this particular case, I do agree that if the OP isn't sure he should wait a while until he's more sure where his feelings for his friend lie - so long as he isn't cheating on his girlfriend with her.

But I disagree with your premise that an existing relationship is always better than a potential one. I've seen far too many friends who are miserable because they're unwilling to risk breaking off an existing relationship. I have one very good friend who was actually clinically depressed for half a year because of the shit she went through with her boyfriend - because both of them were forcing themselves to maintain their relationship just for the sake of maintaining an existing relationship. Obviously there's a risk with greener grass syndrome: that you'll always want something more than what you have. But saying that existing relationships should always be afforded special status carries risks of its own.

I didn't say always should carry a special status of its own

but the OP said that he loved his GF and that he didn't want to break up with her
he's already close with his GF.
 

krexia

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I didn't say always should carry a special status of its own
You said that "a preexisting relationship where love has been established outranks any other possible similar relationship". I don't see how else that could be interpreted.
 

Gildragon

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where LOVE has been established.


there are plenty of relationships where love ISN'T established that you still might not want to break off


what I'm saying is other than this new guy there is no reason for him to break off his relationship with his GF and therefore since she had him first he should give this priority
 

Dexel

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I understand where you are coming from.

as to the parts about GF's eh in any feud it takes two to tango, so to say one person in a relationship is completely at fault is wrong. they need to be communicating their feelings to each other. if important stuff isn't adressed and allowed to fester it can end up being the person who didn't take any actions fault.
Example: say I have a GF (I wish) and I do something wrong or that she doesn't like. now I am in the wrong for doing it. however lets say this GF does not communicate to me that she isn't comfortable with the way I am acting. then it is just as much her responsibility for any outbreak. etc. later on. because these things can change who a person is. (of course it works the opposite way too)

Very true.

that being said let us move on to our member here.
Lord_Marluxia said that he Loves his girfriend. and that he really doesn't want to break up with her. that tells me that if he has these feelings about his GF that in this case her feelings towards him at the very least Mutual if not greater.

this establishes a PRE-EXISTING relationship.

now, in MY opinion because of this (keeping in mind he loves her) a preexisting relationship where love has been established outranks any other possible similar relationship so even IF he was willing to break it off with his girlfriend he shouldn't if not only for that reason.

Again, true.

Now to me it seems this guy has 3 choices

1. go with both people and see what happens (which I doubt would end up working for him in the long run, or at the very least cause more problems than it bring happiness)

2. break off the relationship with his existing partner and go for the new one ( which he doesn't want to break off)

3. cut off at the very least the romantic side of the friendship he has with the new person (which would allow them to remain friends.)

If he goes with 1, then not only is that two different relationships he has to take care of at the same time ( one's hard enough as it is ), but also those two will eventually realize that he's attracted to each other ( in other words, his GF realizes what's going on between him and his best friend, likewise with the best friend. ) This would most likely cause tensions between the two, and more likely then not, cause many, many, many problems. He'd be stuck in the middle, but he'd ultimately be the one to blame for such a thing happening. In other words, reaping what he'd sown.

2, well, is a triple decker. He doesn't want to break up and doing so would probably cause complications not with his GF, but in him ( emotionally speaking ), as well as, more likely then not, future complication with his best friend. It'd be more or equally bad as option 1.

As for the 3rd, and probably most favored option, worst that could happen is is that his best friend feels betrayed and they have no friendship between each other whatsoever anymore afterwards. More likely than not, though, his friend would just accept his option and they'd go on being best friends while he resumes his relationship with his GF full-force.



( Jeez, to see myself writing about a topic like this is really odd for me. I don't know much of a damn thing when it comes to this. )
 

xenos24

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ok heres a decent thing to say stick with your girlfriend there are three kinds of love said by anthropologist helen fisher
1.LUST
2.ATTRACTION
3.ATTACHMENT
what your feeling for your friend is 3 let 1 be your guide to love
 
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Gildragon

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@Dexel: so clearly to me option 3 is really the only way to go.

I hate gay people Why? 'cause they always cross the line I have a friend called cyrus she became my friend even though hes gay I dont mind as long as your nice heck I even had an addict and a psychotic murderer for a friend in rehab but thats another story about my gay friend HE TOUCH ME thats when our friendship ended... I think Ill go smoke a rim

once again this thread isn't about whether or not you hate gay people
its about a person making a decision on what to do.
take your hate somewhere else and don't be spamming my boards
 

krexia

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where LOVE has been established.


there are plenty of relationships where love ISN'T established that you still might not want to break off
What, you think that people who love each other can't be miserable? Have you ever actually been in a relationship? The fact that my friend was still in love with her boyfriend was part of why she tried to force the relationship to work for so long. I know I've loved at least one person who, in hindsight, was totally wrong for me, and put me through hell.

what I'm saying is other than this new guy there is no reason for him to break off his relationship with his GF and therefore since she had him first he should give this priority
What I'm saying is that the question here is one of who he loves more, and who he's more interested in being with, and that priority of relationship shouldn't have a bearing on that.
 

Lord_Marluxia

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HIIIIIIIIIII EVERYONE! i been missing up lately... YES I KNOW and I have some intresting good news! My Gf were BFF now x3 cesar and me are dating =3 she has no problems with it =3 she says its ok for me to experiment lol and that she still loves me and that if im not happy with her she will understand but she rather to let me experiment first and then i should decided I think noone would expect that , neither me x3 well I told my mom already and shes happy with it but my brothers aint neither my father now i dont know how to deal with them... ANy last advices? =3
 
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Haxon

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So your brothers are making fun of you and your Dad doesnt approve?

Hmmm... I dont think there is any way to change their opinions. Sorry... does anyone alse think theres a way?
 

XIII Nobodies

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I know a few gay men who have had parental issues. It's their problem if they're not willing to accept you for who you are. If they want to risk losing a relationship with their brother/son, then they may come to regret it later in life. Of course, it certainly won't be easy for you, either. Just be honest with them and tell them your feelings, and let them understand that they're YOUR feelings, not theirs. I personally believe that even bad stuff leads to something good in the end, so whatever you decide to do concerning your brothers and father, it may start out bad, but things will work out in the end.
 

krexia

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HIIIIIIIIIII EVERYONE! i been missing up lately... YES I KNOW and I have some intresting good news! My Gf were BFF now x3 cesar and me are dating =3 she has no problems with it =3 she says its ok for me to experiment lol and that she still loves me and that if im not happy with her she will understand but she rather to let me experiment first and then i should decided I think noone would expect that , neither me x3 well I told my mom already and shes happy with it but my brothers aint neither my father now i dont know how to deal with them... ANy last advices? =3
Sounds like you're lucky to have a very understanding (ex?)girlfriend!
 

System Shock

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So.. technically your still dating your girlf, but are also dating your friend at the same time......?
 

Kiba

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Talk it over with them and explain the situation. I don't think your bros should have been calling you a faggot in the first place. Even before they knew you were dating your friend. They'll have to learn to get used to it. They are family, I'm sure they will eventually.
 
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