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Fanfiction ► Between the Rift



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raedyn_l

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Yah, I would just like everyone to know:

THIS ISN'T A FANFIC, PEOPLE. IT IS CORRECTLY CALLED "ORIGINAL FICTION."

I was under the impression that I replied to this with the correct term, but it turns out I didn't so I'm just saying it now.

Will reply with critiques later, after I hunt down the chapters.

By the way Stavros.... that's another reason why I post my chapters in separate threads. So I won't have to hunt for them between five pages of other people's posts. :)
 

Stavvy

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Obviously not...I guess the main reason most don't is because they don't have a lot of people reading their FF/OF....I don't...so I won't do that....and I think it's...kinda useless...

Awesome FF by the way Raedyn.
 

Drollive

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Wow aar...I mean Stavros! I never knew you could write so well! That was cool! I think that you, me, Ty, and Thor should get together and put all of our books in one somehow kinda! (Oh, and I'm on the site now so you and Ty can stop buggin' me!)
 

Stavvy

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~Chapter 4: Night’s Bliss~

“Damn, there’s too many of ‘em.” The man said, as he was overwhelmed with Nocturnes (The creatures that come out of the portals). Another came at him with force; its brains soon flew in the opposite direction, splattering in a mess of blood and cartilage.

The woman huddled in a far-most corner of the room, quietly sobbing and praying to whatever god she believed in. A Nocturne flew at her with surprising speed, Amelia jumped on it and drove it to the ground, her blades impaled it and then she slit its throat, just to be sure.

I watched this scene for a bit, forgetting almost about the danger that was around me. I snapped out of my daze quick enough to jump to the left to avoid an incoming attack. The Nocturne looked back at me, surprised at my speed. I raised my gun to its mouth and pulled the trigger.

It continued like this what seemed like hours, but it was probably only one. After somewhere around my 25th kill I looked back over to the woman, she was still in the corner in the same shape, still crying, still praying.

Another loud screech came from the doorway, followed by some wind. “Another one?” I asked, as I looked back and saw nothing, I kept looking for a few more seconds and I saw a flash, “What the hell’s happening now?” I said as I saw another flash.

Something came through the window, not even shattering the glass, just phasing through it, as if it weren’t even there. Arrows of light came strait at me. I rolled to the side and looked at the direction to which they came. Several more phased through the walls, “Damn,” I said as I kept dodging them, “What the hell’s going on?” I asked as more came at me.

“Hell if I know.” Amelia responded while dodging countless, and increasingly faster, blasts.

The woman that was hiding in the corner stood up. She walked over to the door and turned around, I noticed that her eyes had changed from a light green to a dark and dull grayish black. She looked at the man with the shotgun “Lex, take care of these two, they look like the ones that I mentioned earlier.” The man nodded and the woman walked out of the room, not even flinching at the incoming barrage of projectiles.

She walked towards one of the open vortex, nocturne spewing from it. One of them lunged at her. With lightning fast reflexes she backhanded it, sending it flying into a nearby tree, splitting it to the bottom of its trunk. Another tried to grab her from behind, she turned and did a roundhouse kick to its face, it soared back a few feet, with incredible speed she dashed up to it, jumped and pummeled it relentlessly with flurries of kicks.

An arrow from one of the unknown nocturnes seared her shoulder, she disregarded the pain and surveyed the vicinity that it came from, but found nothing. She kept searching and saw a blur, the blur was still but it was like some sort of cloaking device. She jumped at it and tried to connect. The blur moved out of the way and struck her head and sent her plummeting down to the ground. She hit the ground and left a small crater.

The blur moved in for the kill, she waited until it raised its bow and notched the arrow. It pulled back on the string. The woman did a back-hand-spring up to the nocturne and planted her foot on its throat. She pushed it towards the ground and tore the arrow away from it. She twirled the arrow in her hand and stabbed it into the nocturne, it started decaying instantly.

As if on cue, rays of light broke the darkness, peeking over the horizon. In unison the nocturne screamed out in pain as the light tore away at their flesh. They all dove into the vortexes before the light disintegrated them all.

The remaining nocturne lay in a lifeless heap, burning in the light.

I started to come out of the old house, the man, Lex, came rushing past me, knocking me down. He scooped up the woman and brought her inside, he laid her on an empty bed. I noticed Amelia cleaning her blades, not really caring about the girl at this moment.

“So, what…what the hell happened?” I asked, finding a strange loss of words.

Lex ignored me and kept looking at the woman.

She turned to the left and looked at me, “I guess I should explain.” She said as she looked at Lex, his features were unchanging, “I’m a Cion.”

(Kinda shorter...I think...well....yeah...)
 

Thor.

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Pretty good Starvros. What you need to work on is eliquencxe and I know that It's probably not your strong point but. You need tobe able to say saomething and have it sound cool. This chapter was (in my opinion) a little rough.

7/10

Sorry it just didn't impress me that much this time.
 

Thor.

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Negative. . . . Ned. . . .. . . that is the mostr discusting thing I haveever heard. YOu ARE A SICK SICK MAN!!!!! VIKINGLY1233!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WILL BE HUNTEDDOWN!!!! NEGATIVE!??!!?!?!? NED!?!?!!??!?!?
 

Lord_Sora

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Your such a nice friend, Ty.

Anyway, I say its pretty good. If you just slip in why Amielia(?) has dark powers and uses daggers(explain that plz)?
Why does the dude at the begining command fire?(Srry, don't remember name)?
And then, why are there cars and a 45 cali thrown in too?
Is Amielia really psychic or is it that the "hero" can't control whether he's thinking or he's accidentally talkin out loud?

Even with those questions, it's kinda natural, since it sounds this was a spur-of-the-moment story, and you just run with it.

I haven't read the most recent chapter, but so far I'd have to say a 9.5/10. It's really good. I bow down to your greatness in eloquence. I've tried before.

Anyways, Props. And luck to breaking that writer's block!
 

Lord_Sora

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I read your 4th chapter. It was kinda rough by way of grammer (i.e.- you nock an arrow, not notch it. Another misspell is straight. But it wasn't bad, it could be read around, readers know what you mean. Any way, some of the action scenes were a little on the schetchy(spell?) side. You used "she did" as the only action setup. Vary it a little, like instead of "turned and did a roundhouse", make it "spun and connected a round house to the head" or something of the like, you understand? It was good, but where did this shotgun-toting Lex appear from, and what is this Cion lady's name? Sound's like you got inspiration from Tifa. She always seemed to over-do it in KH2, when you meet her in Hollow Bastion...

So, for this last chapter, I give :thumbsup: and an 7.5/10
 

Thor.

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Stavros needs to come back and post because imwould like to read his fic.,

He hasn't viewed this page in a long time.
 

Stavvy

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I view it everytime there's a new post, fyi. . . .

And I'm currently working on a new chapter. . . just been busy, I'll try to et another up before friday night. . . cause I will be busy therest of he weekend, and if I don't the, then I'll post one on monday when I'm off of school, ok?
 

Stavvy

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Then be unbored. . . I can't really think of what to write. . .so it'll take a bit, and I have to go chear our stupid basketball team soon. . . .
 
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