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Fanfiction ► Between the Rift



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Stavvy

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So yeah, I was bored, so I thought, "I'm going to write something..." So here ya go. Remeber to post on this about what you think. Also give a score _/10. Try to keep this alive. Thanks. Also give me help about the story, like spelling or even where you think it should go...I'll be editing the chapters occasionally so look for that.

~Between the Rift~


~Prolog~

I stared, motionless, at the empty space, the vortex that connected this world to the next, a portal to another place, another time, another world. This was my exile, exiled into a strange limbo, only able to peer out into my meaningless nothingness. I stared up into the black, swirling sky. Lights, stars, seemed to come alive, only to fade into darkness. I wish that I could repent for my sins, but now it is hopeless, now I am nothing but a shell. Destined to drift into ever darkness. It all started a long time ago…



~Chapter 1: New beginnings~

Blood dripped from my hand; my sword clashed against the floor then fell with a thud.

“You’ll never learn, will you?” the voice came from in front of me. “I’m better, I’ll always be better.” The voice said again.

I looked up at his face, the face of my brother, Kalion. His sharp blue eyes seemed filled with fire and they pierced through my soul like a million blades. He raised his rapier and readied for the final blow, the killing blow. Just before he did, however, a blade hit his. He looked into the direction of which it came. A woman, know to me by the name of Amelia, readied her blades.

“So, the minion finally showed up.” Kalion said with a smirk.

Amelia stood her ground and replied, “You know, Kalion, you shouldn’t pick fights which you have no chance of winning.” She said as she glanced at me.

Kalion glanced over at me and then spat in my direction, “If you hadn’t interfered, I would have.” He said as he turned towards her. “Now, be a good girl and leave.” He said as he turned back towards me. A flash of darkness shoved Kalion to my left. I looked in the direction where Amelia was, she was gone. I looked to my left; Kalion and Amelia were in a deadlock, neither budging.

“Damn you.” Kalion said as he tried to get the upper hand. Amelia said nothing; she just stared at Kalion with intensity greater than any I’ve seen from her. A trail of darkness emerged from Amelia’s aura. It rose above her and struck Kalion, paralyzing him. Amelia drove her fist into his stomach, leaving him gasping for air. She then turned to me and said, “You look horrible, let’s get you out of here.” She took a step towards me then stopped. A silhouette appeared behind her, I took a step forward and almost fell, “Amelia-“ I yelled, too late. The blade had already pierced her heart, blood streamed down from her wound. She fell limply to the floor.

Amelia’s body faded into darkness as Kalion’s blade fell to the floor. Kalion looked around with a startled expression, then he looked at me, “What happened?” He yelled across to me, “Where’d she go?” I stared at him with the same expression he to me. “Hell if I know.” I said as I saw her behind him. He noticed my gaze and leapt into the air, a blade flashed next to his head. He turned, fire dancing on his fingers, Kalion shot the flames towards her. She disappeared and reappeared behind Kalion,” Like I said, stop picking fights you can’t win.” She said as she hammered her fists into his back, slamming him into the ground. Kalion laid still, his chest slowly rising and falling.

Amelia looked towards me, her stance changed to a friendly one. She holstered her blades and stood normally. She looked back at Kalion for a brief second and then glanced at me,

“Now that that’s taken care of, let’s get you some help.” She took a step towards me, yet again, and I looked at her. “You look like hell.” She said with a smile, as she neared me.

I nodded a bit, “Thanks.” I said, as the world faded from my view. I remember falling.
 
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raedyn_l

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We don't know who you're talking about.

It would be one thing if you were talking about, oh... Marluxia as a child or that Heartless in the corner waiting to ambush Kairi.

But these? Who are these people?

You give us nothing to go on. No foundation. You bring us smack dab in the middle of these original characters having a battle and, well, we don't care.

What are their relations to Kingdom Hearts? There are no keyblades. No Riku, Kairi, or Sora. Not even a Heartless.

What's happening? They're fighting with each other for no reason we can see. Elaborate on this. Give us a set up. Is this in the future, or the past? Is it happening right when Kairi disappears? Where are we?

Where do you want to go? If, eventually, you will get to Riku, Kairi, and Sora or some variation of the group, then expose the reason now. We don't want to wait thirty-seven chapters for a glimpse of Riku's hair and go straight back to these three. We want Riku.

Your spelling needs a checkup. It's not in the best shape ever, and it looks sloppy. People don't like sloppy things, unless they're sloppy joes or stylistically torn-up old pants.

That's my feedback. As someone who's been doing this for about a year, I know what I'm doing and I hope this will be helpful to you.
 

True Serenity

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I definitely seem some strong potential with you as a writer. There were just a lot of questions I was asking myself as I was reading your story. Some parts left me confused and I had to read a couple lines over twice. All I have to say is when you write an original fic, try to plan out your story from the beginning. Since we don't know who these characters are, it's hard for us to follow the storyline. And be organized. The neater it looks, the easier to read. Also, I found a few errors with grammar and spelling. Just be sure to edit and edit again.

Other than that, I think you should keep writing. :)

My score: 6/10
 

Stavvy

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Thanks, TS. Well, I'm trying to write in an odd way. The story is him remembering his past. The characters are those that he already knew so there wouldn't be much explaining about them. They will be explained as the story unfolds but not all at once or in chronological order. Also, will you help me with the grammar/spelling? Because Word must be stupid for not catching it...

And Raedyn, The FF doesn't HAVE to include anything about KH. It can be original (like mine...).

I'm wondering if I should continue writting this story...or just give up and try to re make my Riku FF....because it seems that KH-type FF's do better than originals....
 

Thor.

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Which is pathetic Original Fanfocs show that you have imagination keep going.

The story was reakky good. . if you understood it.

7/10
 

Stavvy

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Thanks, almost have the second chapter done, just haven't figured out how long I really want a chapter to be...mine seem too short...but M$:Word is deciving....meh...
 

Stavvy

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(Yay second chapter...read it now!!!...please?)

~Chapter 2: An Old Friend~

I opened my eyes; I saw a burry figure in the distance. It turned out to be Amelia getting dressed. She put on her shirt and looked at me. She seemed startled for a second but she tried not to let it show, “Show’s over.” She said with a smile, “ How ‘ya feeling?” She asked as she looked down at me, she took a step closer then retreated for a second. I looked up at her, my head hurt like hell I tried to ignore it.

“So, why?” I asked, my voice a little shaky. It was the first question that came to mind.

“Why what?” She asked, seemingly oblivious.

“Why’d…why did you come back, and save me?” I asked, this time in a more steady tone.

“I have my reasons…” She said, in a somewhat mocking tone.

“…And those are?” I asked, guessing that she wouldn’t likely tell me.

She then smiled at me and said, “Maybe later I’ll tell you. For now, just rest.” She walked over to the other side of the room. I heard water running, I couldn’t turn my head, apparently I was medicated to an extent. She returned with a wet cloth and laid it on my forehead.

She looked at me for a second and asked, “Hungry?”

I almost laughed for once.

“Well, are you?” She asked again.

I thought about that and said, “What do you have in mind?”

“Well…”She said, a little hesitant, “I honestly didn’t think that you would be…How about, when you feel up to it, we go out?”

“What as some sort of date?” I asked, wondering about what she would say.

She looked at me for a second then sighed, “If that’s how you want to interpret it then sure. We’ll go out on a date.” She said, after a bit of thought.

“That’s a bit odd…. she never would agree to that…” I thought.

She looked at me for a second and got up. “In an hour?” She asked as she walked towards the door.

“That’s fine with me.” I said as she exited the room. Time seemed to drag on and on. Finally I felt as though I could move. I tried to lean over and nearly fell off the bed. I finally managed to get up and limp over to a nearby window. The sun was setting, clouds reflected of a soft orange with a hint of purple. Birds of some kind flew into the horizon.

“You’re up.” A familiar voice called from behind me. I turned and saw that she was dressed up. She wore a dark red dress with black trim trailing up the dress in a spiral. She also had on a necklace with the insignia of her family, her family crest. It was in the shape of two daggers, the hilts crossing each other to make a “V”, serpents traveled up the blades and the two met crossing each other and making a heart. She also had matching earrings on. Her sliver hair fell limply atop her shoulders and stretched to her upper back.

I stared blankly at her and she giggled, which was unlike her. “Well?” She said with another laugh.

A thought crossed my mind, “Damn, what am I going to wear?”

She looked at me and said, “There’s something in the closet.” She said, as if she was reading my mind, “…She very well could be.” I thought as I started heading to the closet.

When I arrived at the closet I reached for the doorknob. I opened the door to see a tux. “Looks oddly familiar…” I thought as I pulled the hanger off of the dusty rod.

“That’s probably because it’s yours.” Amelia said as I passed her, walking towards the bathroom. I stopped and looked back at her, “Stop doing that…” I said as she laughed, “What?” She said as she continued laughing.

I ignored her and shut the door behind me. I finished dressing and felt something in my pocket; I reached in and found a .45 cal pistol, and also some ammunition for it. I left everything the way it was and opened the door.

Amelia was standing near the window, looking out at the almost set sun. “Night’s almost begun.” She said in a foreboding voice,” You remember what happens at night, right?” She said in the same voice.

I looked at her for a second and then to my pocket where the gun was. “Yeah, how could I forget.” I said as I glanced back at her.

She turned back towards me and walked over to me, She grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes, “Stavros listen…be careful.” She said as she stepped back. She looked at her watch and then walked towards the door, “Ready to go?” She asked as she looked back.

I took a few steps forward and examined the room one last time, “Yeah.” I said as she opened the door.


(So there you go, Chapter two. I hope it’s a bit longer than chapter one….and that someone will actually read it…)
 
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snowdog

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Thanks, almost have the second chapter done, just haven't figured out how long I really want a chapter to be...mine seem too short...but M$:Word is deciving....meh...

In MSWorks (same as word, really) I average about two and a half pages per chapter, in size eight font. But that's very long.

Anyway, the story seemed good. I take it you edited after TS and everyone else commented, 'cause there were no mistakes in spelling or grammar.

And please, please DON'T ditch this for a KH fan fic. Like Sora Shade says, it shows you have imagination. Stretching someone else's idea is one thing, but coming up with your own is another entirely. Keep writing, you've got a lot of potential.

The only thing with original fics is that sometimes the writer forgets that the reader doesn't know the story, etc. But you don't seem to have a problem with that.

9/10.
 

Thor.

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This chapter if far better than the first. I know I said the first was good but for a fanfic this is really good.
Just a thought: use Italices for thought. . .people usually make the connection.

9/10
 

Stavvy

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And by that you mean no quotes? Instead of :
“That’s a bit odd…. she never would agree to that…”

Make it...That’s a bit odd…. she never would agree to that…

I did it in word...just it didn't transfer over...I guess...
 

Stavvy

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No, I put them up as soon as I finish them, that's probably why there's so many mistakes...what do you think I should do?
 

snowdog

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No, I put them up as soon as I finish them, that's probably why there's so many mistakes...what do you think I should do?

As soon as you're finished?

Hmm. Type it out in Word, then check spelling and punctuation. Don't forget to do a final proof-read yourself, there are some things the computer won't pick up on. Like if you spell a word wrong, but it makes another word. (If you accidentally type 'word', when you mean to write 'world' is an example. The computer wouldn't pick up on the word.)

And there's no harm in reading back over and changing stuff. On the second read-through, you might find something you don't like, or something you want to add.

I hope that helps you. ^-^
 

Stavvy

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Well not "as soon as" I'm finished, and yeah...you'd think that Word would pick up on the grammer problems though...like this sentence:

"I'll rule the word!"<didn't pick up anything in Word lol...but it doesn't make sence...damn you Micro$oft....

Anywho...so yeah, I scan it one last time and then I post it....I have slow internet so I get time to do this...
 

snowdog

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Well not "as soon as" I'm finished, and yeah...you'd think that Word would pick up on the grammer problems though...like this sentence:

"I'll rule the word!"<didn't pick up anything in Word lol...but it doesn't make sence...damn you Micro$oft....

Anywho...so yeah, I scan it one last time and then I post it....I have slow internet so I get time to do this...

Yeah, I hate it when word does that! -.-;

Sounds okay to me. And to be honest, you don't have a problem with spelling or grammar at all. Your writing is great!
 
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