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Fanfiction ► Shines One Year After: Book 1



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bizness86

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Jiminy’s Journal
PG-15
Music from Blue Laguna's Media Archive


Disney, Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy
Shines One Year After



BOOK 1
Writing a New Chapter



Nearly one year ago, the worlds received a notice with the insignia of Disney Castle, asking the recipients to participate in a collective breaching of the invisible barriers which closed off each world. The letter acknowledged the still-looming threat of Darkness and the victims that the entity claims. Further details elaborately referred to the studies of the heart and the darkness within, as well as the heart of the worlds, studies originating from philosopher and king, Ansem the Wise, and his apprentices. Rounding issues sharply, the letter deems the darkness that still daunts many unfortunate people, and disapproves of barriers’ existence; residents of forlorn worlds, shut off by these barriers, become easy prey for the Darkness, which is unrestrained by laws and whose instinct to spread knows no limitation. The borders create a captive globe that is cornered and unable to call for help.

With the breaching of the barriers, neighboring worlds may become beacons of light that purge the ill omens of their kindred. This request from Disney’s Throne was made in hopes of encouraging world trade and strengthening ties between neighboring worlds. Since the Darkness was an unavoidable and indiscriminate threat, it was decided that the breaches would not bring havoc upon the world order, but rather, this adjoining of resolution would promote universal balance. One sky would brighten with hope fueled by the fraternity of hearts, thus the Inter-World Travel System was born.

The world leaders breached the invisible walls and the lights of anxious hearts wove together paths that bridged neighboring worlds, and with this process, several systems were born. The ‘bridges’ which patched the breaches allowed safe travel via capable vessels, and required job opportunities such as public universal transportation, navigation and law enforcement. This system also required the service of ambassadors and patrollers nominated and approved by respective neighboring worlds.

Though the breach-and-bridge process prospered for the most, there were miscalculated reactions to the newborn system. Worlds began to breach and bridge with one another without the knowledge, aid, or consent of their leaders and supervisors; the worlds connected on their own accord, revealing paths to remote and uncharted areas, thereby arousing further discovery. This was reason for vexation; reason for investigation and reckoning. As of now, however, the operation and moderation of the system must be held in high priority. Panic is not welcomed. The fewest of individuals from a handful of united worlds have been conjured by the Executive Head of the Inter-World Travel System to look into these mysterious mishaps…



Shallow Whispers

The whispers tagged one another in the cloak of dark.

“Fine then, you shall go on your own accord. But ask yourself this Av___,” the source of the voice, as the purpose of its speech, was an utter mystery which trebled upon deaf ears only, “is this necessary to obtain what you seek? If you feel it so, then we support you wholly—”

“Yawn, woman. Enough rabble,” He responded, completing his mock with a girth-born chuckle, “Of course this is necessary, or else I would not be here to savor the consequence. And I only expect you and the others to kindly look away as I commit this deed.”

“You are correct,” she agreed blithely, “We are your support. As you seek yours, which attested against my resolve, we can only allow, and support.”

“Yes, of course! This is what I’ve deemed the pride of this association. As the men of scholar, we pour life and limb to aid her or his colleague—in the name of a greater resolve—”

“Keep in mind that we are not tools for your journey, Av___.”

“Ha…! Yes. Don’t fret little woman. I have not forgotten the purpose of this establishment. I assure you that this sacrifice will not be in vain, but in the name of science…! All I ask is that you look away to secure your innocence.”

“No; you must realize. There is nothing which needs to be secured. All acts you commit in the name of that which you seek can only be just to me. As your acting representative, I insist that I serve as witness. I won’t look away.”

“Ah…! To observe as I further progress towards what I seek then?”

“What is it that you seek again, Av___?”

The whispers, flimsy and shallow, faded into the still of the ambiance. To what has been conspired within this shadow, there was no telling.



ACT 1, Still the Threat
ACT 2, But Is There Coffee?
ACT 3, What's the Hurry Little Lady?​
 
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bizness86

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I had promised a rewrite of this fan fiction, and now I will deliver. Books have taken the place of Acts, and Acts now tie only two to four Chapters together.
Thank you for reading and waiting,
bizness86​
 
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Essence of Elegy

How long shall you delve into time?
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I read it and I can tell you're very talented. You've got the potential to be a great writer. Keep it up and you'll do great
 

Danica Syer

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OMG!!! I wanna write LIKE this, good word choices--but so big too O_O Well.....so far it is really good and yeah, I like the font and so far it's not all...bunched up and that's good. :D Good job, so far I'm liking it!
 

bizness86

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Contents
ACT 1, Still the Threat​

Chapter 1, Descent and the Dark
Chapter 2, Crusade
Chapter 3, Fend Against the Dark Assailant



ACT 1

Chapter 1, Descent and the Dark

play Strange Whispers, KH​

Boundless degrees above ground, a coiling torrent of black sundered the recurrent night sky. From the bowel spewed forth a human shape jetsam, whose spiraling body steadily sought concrete. The body impacted with a solemn thud, and lay still in its crater.

The sparsely occupied town district served as the setting of the descent; the muddled plaza sustained one note-worthy site—two puppies as displayed on the fountain dimly light by neon, a scruffy male and his presentable mate nestled dotingly 1. The contrary passersby of the district shot blank and cautious glares towards the jetsam figure that stirred and steadily eased upward.

Fondling the hilt of his sheathed weapon, the debris of the airborne corridor attained a stern, upward posture. He examined his audience with an air of condescendence; his stiff, velvet, pyre tresses swayed coolly as his head turned in observation.

He stood at a fine height and bore the appearance of a young man thoroughly matured. His olive-tone physique proved lanky, but was complemented by his impeccable stance. The pyre-haired man and his plain face lacked all definition; his eyes, absent of pupils, seemed hollowed with white. The long indigo coat which stole most of his body was accompanied by a worn iron scabbard on his right side which, by length, harbored an o-katana. The rest of him bore common black slacks and hard-soled shoes.

The fallen swordsman possessed eminent proofs of fatigue, his clothing adorned with blood from scrapes, and his skin, with flushing bruises. His overall expression, however, relinquished no sign of weakness.

Several tears, like the one born in the sky, zipped open and ensnared the tatter stiff of the man in indigo. From these vile maws emerged peculiar entities—harbors of an ink, sheen complexion, bearers of splintered red hearts, brandishing tin helmets and gauntlets adorned with blood red nails; they all comprised intense, hollow-yellow eyes. These black-borne beings of the corridors housed malignant means; as their entries sealed shut, their slowly shrinking circle loomed about the beaten man as a predator skulked about an easy meal.

“H-He-Heartless!” screamed a district straggler. The herald triggered the usual reaction among the town denizens:

“Ugh! Geezus! You’d think the officials would be on their jobs!”

“Someone! Notify District Six!”

“Heh! Sorry Sweet-hawrt, but you really think ‘dose donut-eaters gonna risk dealing wit’ Heartless! Better call the hotel; talk ‘em to get real men out here ta handle this!”

With that, the entire handful, miscreant and respected alike, were forced to flee, abandoning the sky-borne man in fear of become the fodder of the Heartless; the plain-faced swordsman was left to his own with the starving beings from the dark.

The assailers grew weary of the stalk. A dark one, small and large-eyed, bounded with ebon claws fuming.

Nuht uh…

The sword with no edge kissing the mouth of the scabbard—upon discharge of the sheath, the man’s edgeless brand beat pitilessly through the fiend; its foe disintegrated under its impressive vigor.

He sheathed and took idle; he harbored no expression, even among his hissing, boasting aggressors. The writhing of his obstructers peaked, and with leaps and bounds, tooth and nail, they all pounced for the man in indigo.

The swordsman lunged forth, and his sword, revisited. The blunted surface of a wooden sword except steel—the unsheathing showed no clemency to the frontal drove. His scabbard complemented the calm retort with a subtle swipe right side. He noted the left flank, rushing in with a flurry of cyclone kicks while a stray backstabber dove in with heartless claws for the premeditated kill. Pivot step with right foot, his sword and scabbard pounded and swiped through the air-bound Heartless like claws through cobwebs. His attackers vanquished, the placid-faced swordsman cased his brand once more.

Is that it? The crimson haired warrior stood collectedly, thumb rested upon his guard as if patiently awaiting another batch from the blackness. As expected, another maw ripped open to excrete another child of its twisted devices; however, its jetsam was a completely different monster. A gargantuan leech, grotesque and pus-glazed—amongst several vibrating corpuscles, it, too, brazenly carried the barbed red heart. It also retained the same yellow eyes, nineteen watchful scopes which adorned themselves around the Bond Leech’s milling, crunching maw.

Come, then.

‘Flip!’
As the swordsman’s thumb snapped his guard from its sheath, the Bond Leech’s composure exploded. The Heartless tower combusted with an overpowering red aura, and the gushy, black lumps that garnered it slimy carcass inked to the ground and birthed larvae—twelve leeches to the warrior’s waist in height, all retaining their parent’s violent aura. The man in indigo waited with his scrapes and bruises, his face consolidated with sleek condescendence.

The Leecher Spawns charged. The pyre-hair man snapped forth with his unsheathing brand. The katana’s blunt edge retorted mercilessly with the Spawns’ leading assailer. The tenacious larva managed to push on, however, tumbling forward and nipping flesh from the sword-carrying arm.

“Eh,” the formerly expressionless fighter relinquished a soft sneer and flung his edgeless brand once again into his flailing attacker whilst sweeping his resolute sheath into the pool of on-comers, but his assailers proved dauntless. The lead snapped back upward to tear into the warrior’s back while his burning comrades sawed and ripped with each brazen leap—each bound proved more vigorous; their auras blazed with every life-sucking swipe they delivered their prey.

The disadvantaged swordsman noted the bleak, the vigor of the spawns grinding into his body, the vigor of the parent grinding into the crust of the district. Every bash of his sheath, and slit of his sword resulted in another red badge of valor granted by the teeth of the life-suckers. His face proved smug and lack-luster, and his eyes, hollowed with white.

“Hold onto your knees, sonny!” The grand bellow of the voice brought the grand bellow to the ground. The entire twelve Leecher Spawns fell and dissipated to the roar of the tremor, and the violent aura of the Bond Leech shed from the sheer force of the thud. The sword wielder turned slightly to acknowledge the figure drawing near. He noted, with blurred vision, plain brown attire, dark pig-tails, and a silver sledgehammer.

“No worries. It’s all fine now, boy,” the savior consoled, at last joining the man in indigo. Face to face with his rescuer, the battered soldier of the dark maw retained his erect posture. He sheathed and peered through his acquaintance.

“Hmph,” he scorned, and with a placid, null expression, he collapsed, to his knees, then face flat.

1 To note, this site from Square-Enix’s Kingdom Hearts alluded to Disney’s fifteenth animated feature, Lady and the Tramp



ACT 1

Chapter 2, Crusade

play Disquieting, KH ReCOM​

Still, I saw him. It was him just the same.

His subconscious mind revisited the innards of the dark.

The walls of the viscera attested with the unrelenting bellow of the vaporous torrents 1. And I saw him parading through the shaded hall. It reeked on him, so I know it was him just the same—he was cowardice clasped within the shell of sin, and I would obscure his step and crack his shell.

His repulsive girth protruded his cleric robe. Thank Our Mother
2 his pungent face was sheathed by the robe’s hood. Underneath the robe donned a white laboratory coat. I recalled the ambiguous presumptions, the pretenses, and the meaningless debates of those pigs who call themselves “scientists”. This coward seemed to fit the epitome of such a creature. He fondled the innards of his pockets which let out a crimson glow.

His heavy head set to address me with a bland and cumbersome tone, “Ah…what say you to stepping aside?”

He chuckled, and ignored outright my obvious warning, “I have something which I must seek out, and you obstruct my path fellow traveler.”

Once more, I stood and saw him, but he obviously did not comprehend my warning.

“Look,” he used a stern accent as a means of intimidation, but obviously he did not know of his plight…How ignorant, “Is there something I can help you with friend?—anything which you are seeking in this darkness here with me?”

Seek...? I humored, “I seek to collect the sin and condemn the coward.”

“Heh-heh, Excuse me?” He found this amusing, but he then finally sensed my warning, and said, “Why, that’s just a baby. Ha! You shame yourself! Stepping to me with that, and by the looks of it, it’s just for bark. You don’t even intend to use it.”

It took him long enough to see it, but he was the fool I thought him to be. I truly believed I carry this sin in the same manner as he.

I educated, “You shame your own, blithe fool,” his brow rose, “I carry these sins to belittle the efforts of cowardly men. If this is the worst you have to offer, and if all you are is cowardice and malignance, then I’ll cumber your pathetic efforts to sin and dispose of the naked coward.”

The pork-chinned menace chortled a bit with a clinched jaw, “Just who the hell do you think you are?”

Finally, he asked, but his brazen tongue would see him 800 beats from my edgeless brand. Excuse my lack of patience; I grew weary of throwing bones, “I am the imperfect judgment of your kind, your Heaven’s Mercenary—fallen Angelo, Hyuda Kyaedu.”

He snickered, as if he had heard something profound, “Heh…God’s slave, ay?” He proceeded with blatant blasphemies, “well then…what an awkward find, I suppose. You know, I was actually an avid analyst of the Good Book and it contradictions.”

I was tempted to ridicule his foolishness, but I simply presented my claim, “Are you ready?”

“Ah—for that ‘justice’ which you plan to serve, ay? Allow me this knowledge, where is my ‘perfect’ judgment? I mean, God must think rather low of me if he is sending one of his fallen to do his vanquishing…I’m flattered just the same though. It shows that I’m one step closer to that which I seek. But for you…Is this a deal at redemption, brazen Angelo,” he addressed with the condescendence of yet another man who believed that he was intelligent in creating a claim, “Is that what you seek?”

I had endured enough of these blasphemies towards the One I love. I retorted, “Don’t you dare compare Our Mother with the incompetence of your obscure minds. Though I no longer reside in Paradise with Our Mother, I never gave thought to the weary soul that claims to be your God. Even now, in my whorish state, the like of you and your God are unfit to breathe air which I’ve had the disgrace of having to walk through. Frankly, you all sicken me with your filth and acts of self-abolishment.”

Amazingly, he peered as if he had not comprehended, and he confirmed this claim as such, “Well…what of it…? Either you speak without logic, or you speak as if you are still of the breed which you so highly appraise,” he seemed to be expressing concern, as if doing me some sort of favor, “If you are, in fact, exiled from your superior being, and you do not seek redemption from her, then I would say that you are here for no reason. If you are a Judge of Humanity, as you claim, then meeting adjourned. Your verdict is null and void, and you have no right to stand where you are. Excuse me.”

He did not get it at all. I would make everything clear, “Fool!”

Stop it!”

“I have fallen! Our Mother must never accept me ever again. I am a monster! I seek self-redemption, you insolent cur. My only duty is to brandish your sin and strike you with it with ten-times it cumber. Do you understand now, sinner? The only mercy you or I will receive is at the blunt edge of my brand. And there is no mercy there, only the Abyss. May your God, whether that be you, money, or science, bless your cretin soul.”

I flipped my guard and it was time, but he went on; even in death, some can be so loud, “Clearly your id precedes you. I tried it congenial!”

There. I felt his threat, as he felt my warning, and the sinful remnants of hearts hoarded about him like fiends. Their bright eyes were devoid of regard.

And thus, the man in the brown cleric robe and his last words: “I warn you Angelo, there is no justice here with me. I have deemed that Traverse Town will serve my hand—in the name of science…!”

“Enough.” I drew my brand which sought to deliver the beating. His hand flung out and saw me downed. I knew of this outcome, but his sin was sin all the same, and am I not harvesting all of their sins? I can attest; it was a deep dive toward the ground.

1 To clarify, the “wall of the viscera” engrossed in “vaporous black torrents, the “coiling torrent of black”, the dark “maw”, and similar phrases all refer to the canonical Corridors of Darkness of the Kingdom Hearts series. Regarded as passages made from dark, the Dark Corridors are often used by beings of the darkness as a means of travel from one world to the next. Extended use of the Corridors can corrode the heart

2 Hyuda refers to the being which he worships as “Our Mother”. In this sense, he uses “Thank Our Mother” in a similar satiric fashion as “Thank God”




ACT 1

Chapter 3, Fend Against the Dark Assailant

play Dive into the Heart (Destati), KH​

Hyuda Kyaedu stirred to terse conversation.

“Christ be te fockin’ God,” exclaimed the voice of his rescuer, “That bastard isn’t suppose to be on the hunt for another 200 years, so you say!”

“Maybe he pined for an early meal…” responded a voice of prominent accent.

“This isn’t the time for your bleak jokes;” silence ensued with an apparent tension. She added, “If I would have slain his blood sucker, then that monster would be writhing in pain from the effects of his damned Red Heart.”

“Heh…best be counting your blessings that you didn’t have to face him yourself like the boy did.”

Upon being mentioned, Hyuda lifted his eyelids and noted the effects of his dimly lit, lukewarm confines. He lay reclined on a meager bed positioned in a corner; his belongings lay bedside, cleansed of blood and neatly folded. A plain clutter shrouded the room’s corners. Hyuda’s bed comprised a corner, as did tattered books and rusted tools; stained dining wares and lit candles adorned another. The final corner stole a tall profile within its forbearing umbra. Overhead, a modest ceiling fan produced a healing wind.

Hyuda also realized the aid applied under his mahogany shirt—bandages, smeared medicines, and a tinge of magic.

“About time you be rising;” his rescuer sat Indian-style against the wall—brown attire, dark pig-tails, pale skin, rugged appearance—her silver sledgehammer rested beside her. She used zeal in greeting, “Howdy! Worse for wears, were you; but nothing that can’t be tended to with time.”

“Word to the wise, boy,” the shadow shrouded figure emerged from his corner. His body was swallowed by a black pork pie hat and a solemn trench coat. The shadow of his hat harbored a gruff face, dark shades and a scruffy red beard. He continued, “Stay still. You took heavy to a trouncing.”

Hyuda rose out of spite. He stared blankly through his enigmatic acquaintance, and then back to his rescuer, then excreting an intentional sigh.

His rescuer chuckled with slight abashment and rose to her feet in introduction, “Call me Blacksmith, boy, trainer of many smiths and forgers ‘round these parts. You encountered an evil man in those corridors young’un—”

“You encountered Avonej Hart,” the black clad man interjected, “an ingenious man who has fully detached his heart from his judgment. He exploits the Darkness to reveal the hearts of worlds. In reaching these cores and absorbing their life energies, Hart attains a longevity that permits his survival for several epochs. He, indeed, wields both a force and a wisdom from time elapsed. Consider your continued existence an anomaly…

"Presently, however, you are in the smallest house in District Three of Traverse Town. You were disposed of by your attacker, and jettisoned from the Corridors of Darkness. After impact, you were then pursued by the dark assailants, the Heartless. Avonej then sent his monster to suck the life energies from this world, but was chased off by my long ago pupil.”

“Heh,” Blacksmith scoffed in a hint of chagrin, “No matter how hard I tried to make a name for m’self, you’ll always be seeing my as your student;” she turned to address her company, “As of a year ago, this is my house, but I come and go with the seasons. I’ll be off again in a day or two, but I’ve left a spare key in your coat along with your belongings. This is a place for you t'stretch until you’re well enough.”

Ignoring the blithe chatter of his hosts, Hyuda gathered and equipped his effects. Donning his sheath and fastening the final button of his coat, he gave his caretakers another demeaning glance, and proceeded shamelessly toward the door.

“Hmph; the police have come and gone,” spoke the man in black attire; Hyuda stopped to humor the gruff-voiced prattle, “Aside from the doings of the Bond Leech and that…huge ‘dent’ which you so carelessly inserted, there was no trace of your scuffle aside from the drilled concrete.”

Hyuda allowed a scoffing cough as he kept to the door.

His addresser ensued, “The man in the corridor is gone as well, but,” chuckling as he progressed, “you’ve already proven your worth against him; best not to try that again, ay, fallen Angelo?”

Hyuda’s brow narrowed as he refrained from the door. He turned to address his speaker with a placid aspiration; the black wearer revisited the events of the corridors, mocking and chiding blithely, “Judge of Humanity, indeed! Ha!”

Hyuda softly approached his brazen antagonist, peering into him with his illegible hollow eyes.

“You were spat from the darkness faster than a babe from the womb. He was correct in every aspect to call you a baby in comparison to the threat he poses.”

Hyuda invaded the face of his grim nipper. He searched through the lenses of the scruffy bearded man to no avail; his soul’s windows were aptly curtained by the black of his shades.

Nose to nose with the fallen Angelo, the grim soul closed, “I’ve kept a decent eye on you for more than 500 of those 1,227 years in which you existed, boy, and I can attest that you will never bare the entire sins of the world!”

The tension was silent, but evident, yet neither end paid it much mind. The man in the pork-pie chided further, “You’re too weak…! You’re unimpressive…. You lack—”

Hyuda’s cross guard flipped, “Does it really matter…who you are? Are you not an obstructer of my self-redemption…?”

Blacksmith screamed in contempt, “No weapons drawn in this house!—”

“It’s all fine, lass,” the calm chider assured; his pledge seemed to slither from his throat, “let the child shake his rattle,” and then answered his stoical company, “You are right. It doesn’t matter who I am; I’m but a munny collector, a debt claimer, a Gil Master 1,” and he scoffed, “All that matters to you is that you purge the world of its pestilence before everything is full with sin.”

The Angelo interjected, “The world is already full with sin!”

“Well then, you’re time is up. You failed, am I not correct?” The collector reached out over the shoulder of his stalwart guest, and smirked slightly as he watched the brow of the pyre-haired man narrow, “The Heartless…The Darkness—the Smut of the Heart. You can’t even take care of that threat, and they seek to swallow everything until the worlds revert to Kingdom Come. Why, Darkness could eventually consume all the sin in the universe; we wouldn’t even need you…

“How could you possibly handle the man in the brown robe, if you cannot even purge the dark off a heart…?” He outstretched his hand.

‘Shhi!’ The light whispered as it manifested behind the neck of Heaven’s Mercenary and into the idle hand of the collector.

Peering into the hollow whites of an unflinching Hyuda through his abysmal lenses, the brash collector elucidated, “The Keyblade—it purges hearts taken by malice and lust—it does what you cannot do and you will never have it because you are resolute in your frivolous crusade.”

A disquieting moment ensued. Kyaedu grimaced slightly, tasting the imminence of curiosity which lingered about the tip of his tongue.

He pondered aloud, “Any…fiend can be slain and purged by this blade…”

“Aye;” the munny collector chuckled jeeringly. The manifestation behind Hyuda shattered into singed flakes of radiance; the collector affirmed, “In accordance to its wielder, many things can become feasible.”

“Then I shall wield a Keyblader,” Hyuda declared plainly.

The Gil Master snorted and snickered, “Hurry along then, 203th Family, Hyuda Kyaedu;” though his reply seemed suggestive and hopeful.

Hyuda clasped his brand’s hilt, and queried, “Are you not the Keyblader which I’ll wield?”

The munny collector replied bluntly, searching around facetiously, “I don’t see a key anywhere. The only key I recall is the one in your coat.”

“Hmph,” Hyuda groaned, snapping his guard back into his sheath.

The wily-faced debt claimer allowed one final chortle, “Oh? Why so down? How hard could it be to find a guy carrying a giant key? Call it a change in the winds that I’m feeling.”

1 Munny and Gil are recurring currencies of the Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy series respectively

ACT 2
 
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bizness86

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I think I can honestly say that I hate you. LOL. JK, it's the other way around.

I'm saving this up, there's no way I'm letting any good stories fly through my hands again...

Hey, I did it for you!

ACT 1 begins with Descent and the Dark. We introduce a character, and a familiar threat in the Heartless.

Awesome comments everyone, I will definitely keep in my process of rewriting what I have, and maybe write some newer additions in due time.

Enjoy reading,
bizness86​
 
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I love the details that you put into this, and I definately enjoyed the fight scenes, too. Keep up the good work!
 
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Xuan

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Cute chapter. I had some minor problems trying to understand the chapter, but it took onl a while. Wish I had a dictionary beside me though. >_>

Anyways, good job. Your fighting scenes are no longer sluggish and slow-like. That was a superb improvement. I'm not going to say whether its good or not, its for the pros to decide but I would say that I like this story a lot.

Try throw Sora in after some intros... I'm curious.

If... you decide to throw him in.

And that Leecher Spawns/Bond Leecher Heartless looked stronger than Darkside.
 

bizness86

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Cute chapter.
Cute...chapter? Not "manly chapter"? Not "robust chapter"?! Not "asshole-swordsman-from-the-sky-uses-iaido-and-gets-pwned-by-leeches-and-a-strong-lady-with-a-hammer" chapter???

I wanted to be kick-ass, but I got "cuted"...

I had some minor problems trying to understand the chapter, but it took onl a while. Wish I had a dictionary beside me though. >_>
Really...Could I stand to dumb my vocab down a bit, or was it because I used too many words and cluttered everything?

Anyways, good job. Your fighting scenes are no longer sluggish and slow-like. That was a superb improvement. I'm not going to say whether its good or not, its for the pros to decide but I would say that I like this story a lot.
I take pride in that improvement, and I hope to continue to do so. I'm happy that you enjoy the story; the story gains a lot more merit, meaning, when people attest to it.

Try throw Sora in after some intros... I'm curious.

If... you decide to throw him in.

And that Leecher Spawns/Bond Leecher Heartless looked stronger than Darkside.
Spoiler: Sora's gonna die.​

Spoiler Spoiler Show

]Also, there is something peculiar about Bond Leech and its offspring...
Spoiler Spoiler Show

I love the details that you put into this, and I definately enjoyed the fight scenes, too. Keep up the good work!
Thanks so much :D!

Wow........that was brilliant. That's all I can say for now. XD
XD, hopefully you'll find more and more to say as you keep reading. Glad you enjoyed it.

Act 1, Chapter 2 should be up shortly. Also, I may ressurrect my Jiminy's Journal topic as well.
 
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Xuan

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o_O, someone's feeling really good. I didn't fell for the Sora trick though. >_>

If a warrior could only do so much, I seriously wonder what kind of human Sora is in this story, that is, if you decide to put him in at all. Must be superhuman. Either in heart, mind, skills or strength.
 

bizness86

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Act 1, Chapter 2 has been added. This chapter is mere characterization, but oh, what a character to flesh out. You really find out what the pyre-haired man is all about--and it ain't pretty.

Other news about the SOYA, I've have rewritten as much as the second act, which is comprised of two chapters. I'll be taking a break from this story due to exam preparations.

Enjoy Chapter 2. I may just slip Chapter 3 up in a few days,
bizness86

o_O, someone's feeling really good. I didn't fell for the Sora trick though. >_>

If a warrior could only do so much, I seriously wonder what kind of human Sora is in this story, that is, if you decide to put him in at all. Must be superhuman. Either in heart, mind, skills or strength.

Eh...You a big fan of Sora, aren't you...Or you just want to see something relevant to KH. Heartless, Jiminy, and Scrooge aren't enough? :p

Maybe Sora's possible appearance in this story will become less important when I start actually getting to some Disney Worlds.

And of course, you didn't fall for the Sora Death trick. He can't die...He'll just...Disappear
 
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bizness86

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Update! Act 1 closes with Chapter 3, Fend Against the Dark Assailant
If you cannot simply annihilate the threat, how would you go about facing it? Hyuda realizes that he alone is not capable of purging all sin from the world. Will the person with the key be the tool for his self-redemption?

Enjoy the end of Hyuda's initial characterization; we'll finalized get to 'traverse' Traverse Town in the following acts, however, by the time we finish traversing, I'm pretty sure you'll be ready to travel somewhere else.

You'll be saying, "Anywhere but Traverse Town!!!"

Truth be told, I think this act went well. I wholly appreciate all of your comments and I write with an aspiration that I may become a pillar for the future stories of writers.

Chapter 2 always reminds me of Advent Children. >_>
Oh God. Please don't say that...I noticed that after writing it the very first time, and I wish I could have just thrown Hyuda's entire back story into the mix so to distinguish him from that accursed VII (damn good game, btw).

Thanks and enjoy,
bizness86
 
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Xuan

FanFic Slayer, K.Theorist
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Chapter 2 sounds a bit interesting.

I simply cannot imagine a girl is wielding that sledgehammer and HOWDYing around. The image of a broken backed, silver bearded, pointy little horns and CPU belly keeps haunting my thoughts.
 

Silent Avera

Night Pirate Graphic Lemonade Maker
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Apr 22, 2006
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Somewhere only we know~
*0*

Glad to see this back! ;3 I'm sorry I lost track of it.....but I'll be better this time *promises* ^_^

I can't get over how mature your writing is, it makes me feel smart when I read it......You really do have a gift man. Squee!
 

giuocob

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I read Chapter One. Awright. I can tell this is a story that a lot of work was put into! That's always nice to see.

Your vocabulary is huge; something I usually advocate, but in this case, it's the biggest problem I have with the story. The language seems forced, as though you're deliberately trying to show off your extensive vocabulary. A lot of the words aren't used quite correctly. For example:

the formerly expressionless fighter relinquished a soft sneer
'Relinquish' means to lose or to give up something, usually reluctantly. For example, 'We were forced to relinquish the city to the attacking army.[/QUOTE]

The entire story suffers from this. The plot, the characters, the battle scenes...pretty much everything is clouded by the awkwardly broad word choice. So my advice to you: tone it down. Don't actively search for bigger words if you already have one that works perfectly. A simply written passage is often the best one.
 

bizness86

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@ giuocob: Thank God! Thank you for that. That is excellent. I've always felt as if I had this problem-- finding easy ways to write concepts. I needed someone to tell me that straightforward.

To be an *ss :p, I think "relinquished' was used right then; Hyuda was relinquishing a sneer. Perhaps I should have emphasized that he wasn't sneering from pain, but rather giving in to frustration of some sorts. His character is one of much condescent (see; condescent?, I kinda used to using awkward words). He was 'giving up' a sneer. It's very possible that I could say this better, and I'm sure that there are other unusual words.

I must say that it is difficult to describe expression with action verbs, let alone action with action verbs--to find simple words that can replace emotion or lack there of. That is where all the 'big words' come to play; I try hard :(.

I admit, I kinda sucks to hear that something that I'm writing is an unpleasant read because of something that I put effort into. I'm kinda six chapter into revisions of this story, these being the first three.

I respect, enjoy, and appreciate that you have found a legitimate flaw, and that you have pointed it out in a respectable manner. I can't help but to think about whether you would have actually enjoyed the story if it weren't bogged down.

After my exams, I'll take steps to tone it down. I hope you consider reading this as it progresses.

@ Xuan: There is a truth to that, but also a falsehood. The reason I revised this story was to make it more readable, and while it is, I can easily acknowledge that I have a tendency to go overboard with certain words because I'm simply trying to find something that 'fits' into the sentence. I search for words that roll off of the sentence (Alliteration, etc; and sometimes fail)

I'm stoked that you can actually read through my story (You actually read through it when it was worse than this!). IMO, that shows merit.

I'm debating on whether to go along and post Act 2, or to search through it for ways of simplifying it. Any sugggestions?

Thank you,
bizness86​
 
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