Fanfiction ► KingDumb Hearts

[Every Heart]

Riku: Anyone have any idea where Every Heart is?
Kairi: I don't know. She's been gone a long time...
Sora: Maybe she got a temp job in an office! That would sure drain the energy out of anybody!
*all imagines her sitting at a computer in an office cubicle*
Every Heart: *sighs* I hate my job...
*imagination ends there*
Kairi: Maybe she's dead!
Riku: From what?
Sora: She probably died from something extremely stupid...
*imagines Every Heart with her eyes bleeding*
Every Heart: I didn't think there was anybody that could infuriate me more than Dark Omega(member on KHI) just reading his text is making my eyes bleed from his lame attempts to appear badass!
*imagination ends there*
Riku: Maybe she got lost somewhere...
*imagines Every Heart stuck in England*
Every Heart: Doesn't anybody here speak English??
English gentleman: My dear young madam, I do speak English, I also enjoy tea and scones...
Every Heart: I can't understand a word your saying! I need someone who speaks English! You know, AMERICAN??
English gentleman: *rolls eyes as he goes back to talking to his friend* I say dear Reginald, let us go off to watch some good old cricket!
Reginald: Rightyo!
Every Heart: HELP!!!
*imagination ends there*
Ed Elric: Guys, I just got a call from her. She said that she was at the doctor's last week and he had to give her some shots that made her sick for a while...
*Every Heart: *fending the doctor off with a tongue depressor* LET'S SEE YOUR MEDICAL DEGREE, YOU QUACK!!*
*flashback over*
Sora: Ok, let's go get drunk then...
*at the local bar/strip plaza*
Riku and Sora: ANOTHER BEER PLEASE!! STRONGEST ONE!
Kairi: For gods sake...
Waitress: Here's your damn drinks...
Sora: Thanks...wait...EVERY HEART?
Riku: *falls out of chair* WHA??
Every Heart: *wearing a skimpy dress* SHUT UP YOU IDIOT! I don't want people to know that I'm work here. *shouts over shoulder* PATCH! YOU SAID THEY WOULDN'T COME HERE!!!
Don Patch: *also wearing a skimpy dress* How was I to know that they would be here?
Every Heart: Well thanks, now I quit. Goodbye enough money to buy .hack//G.U. *takes a seat by the bar* I'll take your strongest drink...
Bartender: Aren't you kids a little underaged?
Every Heart: Aren't you suppossed to be at home with your wife? Or do you have a meeting at the Holiday Inn with that woman who keeps waving to you?
Bartender: Uhh, one drink coming up...
*much later after several drinks*
Every Heart: Kittens are so soft and adorable! I'm surprised that they haven't ruled the world yet...that would be so awesome...
Ed Elric: I guess that a true update to the Kingdom Hearts thing isn't happening for a while.
Riku: Not till next chapter I supposse...
Every Heart: *being dragged out of bar* I SWEAR TO DRUNK I'M NOT GOD!! LIES!! BLASPHEMY!! THEY'RE ALL LYING!!! Except for that part about me being drunk...

Yeah, lazyness wins this round. BUT!!!

I promise that the next chapter will speed the story forward and have Hollow Bastion in it.

 

[kh2_is_god]

OMG! That was funny! I can picture you fighting off a doctor with a tounge depressor!

 

[sh im playin kh2]

hmmm...kittiens could rule the world. you have given me something to ponder about...
awsome update!

 

[Aucune Raison]

This must live! Every Heart, update soon.

 

[Every Heart]

Some things got in the way...
Quicky Thanksgiving Update
Every Heart: Hey guys, what did you give thanks for?
Sora: I gave thanks for...for...god damn it, I can't remember anymore.
Riku: I gave thanks for alcohol, drugs, cigarretes...
Everyone: Riku!!
Riku: Oh fine, I gave thanks for keeping my friends alive for so long from all the crazy stuff we get into
Kairi: I gave thanks for...
Every Heart: Hey Ed, what did you give thanks for?
Kairi: Hey, I didn't get to say what I gave thanks for!
Sora: It was probably something about that thing you do every Saturday night.
Kairi: Shut up Sora!
Ed Elric: I gave thanks for my little brother Al.
Every Heart: That reminds me, why isn't he here?
Ed Elric: He's resting at home. I go here for work and then I come home to spend time with him.
Sora:*snickers*
Ed Elric: Not like that...
Every Heart: I didn't give thanks for anything. I don't thank anything unless they say please.
Everyone: >_>

Hollow Bastion
Sora: Woah, that is one big ass castle
Donald: Sure is.
Goofy: Let's go into this dark dank suspicious castle. I don't see anything wrong about it.
Sora: Your right Goofy, I'm so glad your the smart one.
*They go up the ice stairs(Sora slipped on his ass a few times) and meet up with Beast and Riku*
Sora: Oh my god, look at that guy's beard!*pointing at Beast*
Donald: Wow, he doesn't even shave!
Goofy: Lucky bastard...
Riku: Sorry, we're not aloud letting hairy men into our super evil castle. Your going to have to get off the premises.
Beast: But Belle is inside!
Riku: Well she's not exactly a hairy man, now is she? Now get lost or else I'll be having the heartless guards kick you out.
Beast:*growls, then leaves*
Sora: Hey Riku, watcha doin here?
Riku: Oh hi Sora. I'm guarding the super evil castle of Hollow Bastion.
Sora: May we go in so that we can kill the bad guys inside?
Riku: Sure, but first you got to let me see your keyblade. Please?
Sora: Well, you did kidnap Kairi and was a prick in Neverland, and your clearly evil, but I see no reason not to trust you...*gives keyblade to Riku*
Riku: You fool, I now have the keyblade!
Sora: Wow, I didn't see that coming!
Riku: Well see ya, I'm off to make out with Kairi.*leaves with the keyblade* Here, play with this.*tosses wooden sword*
Sora: What the hell am I suppossed to do with a peice of wood?
Donald: Goofy, since Sora doesn't have the keyblade, we don't have to hang around him!
Goofy: Yeah, Riku is so much cooler...*they both go off to follow Riku*
Sora: This is bad...what am I going to do...
Beast: *shows back up* I have a plan!
Sora: Awesome, it's that hairy man again!
Beast: This plan is very complicated and I will only explain it once...
Sora: *putting a finger in his ear and examining earwax* Say wha?
Beast: We will travel through the network sewers system and disable the electrical interface so that all the doors will unlock automatically.
Sora: Actually Riku left the gate unlocked when he ran off with the keyblade...
Beast: Oh. Nevermind then.
*the now duo go through the gate to confront Riku. Will they be ready? WILL THEY??*

 

[Aucune Raison]

Funneh as always, EH.

Riku: Sure, but first you got to let me see your keyblade. Please?
Sora: Well, you did kidnap Kairi and was a prick in Neverland, and your clearly evil, but I see no reason not to trust you...*gives keyblade to Riku*
Riku: You fool, I now have the keyblade!
Sora: Wow, I didn't see that coming!

I especially rofled at that

 

[sh im playin kh2]

Yay! An awsome update came! Finally!

 

[kh2_is_god]

update has finally come!! YAY!! Funny as always!

 

[Hazen Gregory]

.........it took me forever to catch up. But I still love it!!!!

 

[Every Heart]

Oh yeah, took WAY TOO LONG...

Every Heart: Sora...we want to speak to you...
Sora: Hold on, is this another intervention?
Every Heart: No...nothing like that.
Sora: Oh ok. I trust you...
*walks into the room*
Everyone: GRAB HIM BEFORE HE GETS AWAY!*everyone grabs him from behind and tackles him down*
Sora: I KNEW NOT TO TRUST YOU!!!
*Sora wakes up behind a desk*
Sora: What the hell?
Every Heart: Sora, you are in court!
Sora: COURT? What the hell for?
Every Heart: You'll see. I'm the judge.
Sora: Figures.
Every Heart: Kairi is the prosecutor.
Sora: Ehh...
Riku: *wearing a tie* And I'm your defense attorney!
Sora: I'm doomed...
Every Heart: Sora...did you know that your name...is actually a girls name?
*gasps*
Sora: What? No its not!
Kairi: Exhibit A. Babynames.com, which labels the name "Sora" as a "female name"
Riku: Objection! Who the hell said that guy's couldn't use that name?
Kairi: I just said it. Babynames.com
Riku: Oh...continue then...
Kairi: Exhibit B! *throws a flapjack at Sora's face filled with weights*
Sora: OWWWW!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!
Kairi: I just felt like doing that...
Every Heart: Order in the court! No one is to be throwing flapjacks at each other unless I say so. In fact, I'm now declaring Sora...guilty!!!
Sora: Guilty of what?
Every Heart: Of having a girly name. Baliff, take him away...
*Don Patch in a cop costume comes over*
Don Patch: Your going down town buddy...
Riku: We are downtown...
Don Patch: Oh...well...we're going...here then.
Sora: Riku you bastard, you were suppossed to defend me!
Riku: Hey, I'm an attorney. We're all bastards really...
Sora: I hope you go to hell...
Riku: Meet you there...
*sometime in the future when Riku's dead*
Satan: Son of a...is anyone here a lawyer?
*a bunch of lawyers plus Riku raise their hands*
*back to present*
Every: Sora's in jail for having a girly name, I have angry fans for taking so long to update, Kairi is off screwing other men, Riku went to hell, and Ed wasn't in this short spoof. I call that a good day.
Some guy: Are you Every Heart?
Every Heart: And if I am?
Some guy: Your white Mustang just got towed and junked.
Every Heart: DAMNIT!!! That was my dad's Mustang...

OMG, sorry for not putting anything up. *tosses apology cookies into the crowd* I had this choir concert I had to be working on all month...we just had it yesterday...

 

[Hazen Gregory]

Wow that was funny. But seriously I went to that sight and Sora is a jap origin name. It means sky. You still rock Every Heart!!!

 

[Jax-Oh1]

True, his name is girlly. When I first heard it, I thought of Sora from Digimon.

 

[sh im playin kh2]

and to think, i plan to be an attorney when i get older...
awsome update!

 

[Every Heart]

This chapter will impact the rest of the fic. Greatly.

Every Heart: Going to work today, going to yell at Sora...
*walks in to find everyone looking upset*
Every Heart: What's going on?
Riku: Nomura finally got tired of our slacking on making the first game. So he hired new actors to play as us...
Kairi: They actually got the job done too, in fact, they went and made Kingdom Hearts 2 and a GBA version called Chain of Memories!
Every Heart: In the space of one day?
Sora: Actually one hour...
Every Heart: I knew he would eventually do a crap job and throw it all together...
Kairi: So we are all out of jobs...
Every Heart; *takes a sip of coffee* Sucks for you...
Edward: *taps her shoulder* That includes you too...
Every Heart: *spits coffee out all over Sora*
Sora: Hey!
Every Heart: How could he fire me? I was suppossed to help with the new Advent Children movie!
Riku: He said that you've been replaced as to coaching the actors and making the movie get done.
Every Heart: Who did I get replaced by?
Don Patch; *walks over and dumps a box in her hands* Clean out your desk by 5 civilian.
Every Heart: Damn...
Kairi: What are we going to do now?
Every Heart: Without jobs, I'm poor.
Nomura: If your poor, then get out. I don't like having poor people in my building...
*a couple of workers shift uncomfortably*
Every Heart: *sighs* We better get out of here...
Riku: *as they start to leave* Wait, where's Sora?
Sora:*clinging onto the paopu leaves vending machine* NO!!!! I WON'T LEAVE YOU!!!
*everyone starts dragging him away from it*
Meanwhile...
???: Step 1 has been completed. Initiate Step 2...
???: Yes SueZQ109...
SueZQ109: What the hell? Oprah, you just went and totally blew my super secret identity out of the water! Now my nefarious plots aren't secret!
Dora: Well excuse her. When your stuck in a dimensional rift of a plot hole created by a 15 year old fanfic writer, it's kinda hard to remain a secret...
*everyone stares at her*
Dora: *grabs Boots* I'll be in the plot hole closet. No calls...
Everyone:
Oprah: So what was Step 1?
SueZQ109: *sighs* Did everyone forget the nafarious plot?
*everyone nods*
SueZQ109: Fine. Step 1 was to get them fired and getting Nomura to hire new really cool actors to get KH, KH:CoM, and KH2 finished, even though they were almost done with KH.
Oprah: And Step 2?
SueZQ109: Leave that to me and the imagination of the readers...
Oprah: By the way, if your stuck here, how is it you were able to do Step 2?
SueZQ109: I still have fanfic powers like Every...and she accidentally left a computer here...
Oprah: This place gets internet connection?
SueZQ109: Apparently...
Oprah: Move over, I want to watch Stupid Videos.com
SueZQ109: No! My Computer! Bad Oprah! Bad celebrity talk show host!*sprays with a water bottle*
*back to the group*
Edward Elric: Well...I'll see you guys later...
Everyone: Bye...
*Ed leaves*
Every Heart: I can't believe we are out of jobs...
Riku: I guess its back to my horrible temp job...
Kairi: And back to my unmentionable one...
Every Heart: You mean the job where you were always someone's "hot company"?
Kairi: Who told you about that?
Every Heart: Riku
Kairi: RIKU!!!
Riku: Whoops...sorry Kairi, I was drunk at the time...
Every Heart: No you weren't...
Riku: Maybe I dreamt I was...
Sora: I'm not as disappointed. This means I can go back to my job as a butcher.*pulls out an ax and laughs maniacally and then puts the ax away*
Everyone:
Every Heart: So I guess we should all...
*a hole suddenly opens up underneath the four of them*
Everyone: WHAT THE...??
*falls in*
Everyone: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!111111111QQQQQQQQQ
*wait, Q? Ah screw it...*
Every Heart: MY HOT BISHOUNS!! *realizes that she may never see Ed again*
Sora: MY DRUGS!!
Kairi: MY *this part is covered up by the sound of some still screaming*
Riku: MY BOXCUTTERS!!
*everyone gives him weird looks*
Riku: I mean...MY PLAYBOYS!!
Sora: Yeah that's what I thought you said...
Every Heart: You know what I just realized as we've been falling for what seems like forever in this now pitch black hole?
Everyone: What?
Every Heart: That we never really finished Hollow Bastion for the fic...
Sora: What's to finish? I beat Riku, I get the girl, same thing as in every game and movie.
Kairi: Just like Highlander!
Riku: How is that anything like Highlander? None of us have ever seen that movie!
Kairi: Oh wait, maybe it was the Davinci Code that I was thinking of...
Sora: Who would be the Riku in that situation?
Every Heart: The Catholic Church?
Riku: Ahem...
Every Heart: Oh sorry Riku, I forgot that you were Jewish...
Kairi: Your Jewish?
Riku: Yeah...
Kairi: That's interesting...
Sora: Yeah...
Everyone:...
Riku: So as to the fact that we are still falling and have not reached the bottom, did anyone see that new episode of the Abriged Series?
Every Heart: Yeah, that was kind of funny with all the Star Trek quotes...
Sora: And then there was that whole, "The power of friendship is the strongest power there is..."
Every Heart: "...Even more powerfuller than the force of Chuck Norris."
Riku: BLASPHEMY!! Nothing is stronger than Chuck Norris!
Every Heart: What about God? Or Jesus?
Riku: Hmm...God could probably beat him...Chuck may be able to take on Jesus...
Kairi: Guys, are we...friends?
Every Heart: I would think so...why?
Kairi: Just wondering. I mean, we're always yelling at each other, fighting, arguing...
Riku: That's because we are in a humor fic, and these days, arguing and violence is considered entertainment.
Sora: Those bastards!
Kairi: Then again, when the 4kids people get wind of this, they'll probably rewrite our entire adventures...
*imagines all four of them skipping through a meadow of flowers*
Every Heart: If that ever happens, I will kill them...
Sora: Are we still falling?
Riku: I think so. It's too bad that we can't play cards or something to pass the time, as they would be falling too...
Every Heart: I think that by the time we stop falling, this fic will be over...and I'll have to turn a new one into a sequal...
Everyone: So, is this truly...?
Every Heart: Yes my friends, this is truly...

The End
​

Riku:...Ok, that was just extremely gay...
Every Heart: Shut up Riku!
​

To Be Continued...
Be on the look out in the Fanfiction section for the second installment of KingDumb Hearts. All your questions will be answered!

Like, who does Kairi really love?
​

Riku: Hey Kairi, theres no one around. Let's make out...
Kairi: Screw you, I'm just using you to get to Sora...
Riku: DAMN YOU BOB FROM PRICE IS RIGHT!!!
​

Will SueZQ109 escape the plot hole? What are her plots anyway?
​

Every Heart: Even I don't know the answer to that one, and I'm writing this dribble that constantly streams from my cracked mind!
​

Does Every Heart Fall in Love with Riku?
​

Every Heart: Riku...
Riku: Yes Every?
Every Heart: Can I borrow your shampoo? I want to know how to get your hair white like that so I can do it for my hair...
Riku: Crud...
​

Will Sora Get His Drugs Back?
​

Sora: Renaldo!!!!!!
​

What is Every Heart's Real Name in this series anyway?
​

Every Heart: Did somebody steal my birth certificate AGAIN???
​

Is the Organization 13 and other Anime/Kingdom Hearts stuff a part of this?
​

Every Heart: There can be only one!!!
Kairi: What are you talking about? That didn't answer the question...
Every Heart: Sorry, I'm still thinking about Highlander...
​

Where the hell is Don Patch?​

Don Patch: *head stuck in a toilet* How did I end up here?​

Why is this guy wearing a Wrestling Mask?

...Ok, that might not be answered next time

Will You Be A Part of Their Adventures in the Next One?

Contact Every Heart after she puts up the chapter for more details!​

 

[Hazen Gregory]

omg.......noooo!!!! Wow that was crazy. Nice.....I can't wait for the next part.

 

[sh im playin kh2]

no!!! this cant end!!!...wait...yay second installment!!!
awsome update every heart, but is there a new name for the second part?

 

[Every Heart]

There will be a name listed, but it will be noted in the title that its the sequal to KingDumb Hearts.

And as one of my friends pointed out, I didn't do a Christmas addition yet.

Honestly, I can't think of anything to make fun of our put for Christmas, as it is one of the most sentimental holidays there is, right next to Valentines Day and Presidents Day...

Wait...that last one came out wrong...

 

[Arzur]

I shall attempt to wait patiently for the sequel. But, I have no tolerance for waiting... This could be hard...:toungesmile:

EDIT: Err...scratch that, it appears to already be out...

 

[kh2_is_god]

I havent been here in a while i missed your Fanfic!!

 

[ansemjafar]

I just read the ewntire fanfic. That was really awsome. I enjoyed every chapter. I am going to read your sequel and keep up to date on posting on it.