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In Chapter 3, Part 1:
-Aqua revisits Radiant Garden, Xehanort makes his first appearance in the fanfic with three other members of the Council of XXV, leaving only two that haven't yet appeared.
-Xehanort reveals another part of his plan to Aqua when confronted, then leaves her with Ansem the Wise's Heartless to deal with.
-Sora visits Prydain (A world from Disney's The Black Cauldron) and Ienzo appears again.
You're in for a treat!
Like always nice job on this chapter. I think i'll remention somethings I wrote last time, seeing i'm not sure you got it.
I'm pretty sure 11 years have past seeing BbS was 10 years before KH1 and that was 1 year before kh2 and this story would have taken place write after that so it would be 11 years. Seems you did correct it in the later parts of this chapter, but forgot to change the earlier parts.
Aqua only revered to her self as a master once so i don't think she really would go around calling herself Master Aqua seems kinda strange to me.
Why does the age thing bother her, she isn't really older the world around her has aged and all but she hasn't.
I don't remember Aqua and Cloud meeting she met Zack but not Cloud at least not to my knowledge. This might change after the US release but if you want to keep it close to the existing canon I'd change that. The whole Zack, Cloud , Sephiroth thing confused me... did you add that to their past for your story?
Found it some what strange that she remembered Kairi right away and knew exactly what happened
The “Reunion” between Terranort and Aqua was done nicly I like how she questioned whetter it were even possible to save Terra.
I like how you handled the new world Prydain, as well as the fight between Aqua and Ansem's Heartless. thought it was neat how you added a link to the music you had in your head for this fight.
I corrected those things in the previous chapter, but I also wrote the beginning of this around the same time before I edited the former. I had to go on a trip and then my parents come over for a birthday celebration, so I had been busy and forgot to edit those in this part. Thank you for catching that!
The fact that the world around her has changed so much, along with the fact that she doesn't know about the stasis of a body when its heart is taken and doesn't become a Heartless, is why she is so worried. Yen Sid did bring her up to date on things, but she worries about Ventus and if he's either dead or still okay.
I actually did add to their past, their first meeting will be a flashback in a later chapter, so Cloud's and Sephiroth's meetings with Aqua are going to be expanded upon.
Isn't it also strange that Aqua remembered Sora in the Realm of Darkness? She was informed of Kairi being a Keyblade master and Aqua knew about the Keyblade Inheritance Ceremony and how it works. Plus, I think she'd have noticed if Kairi was touching the Keyblade, but was probably distracted by the Unversed that she was fighting while protecting Kairi during that visit to Radiant Garden.
A thing that's going to be a key to Aqua's character development in this story is that part of her is beginning to lose faith that Terra and Ventus can be saved, and that the order of the worlds should be priority to saving them since last time she did something like that (As was the case with Terra when she saved him from falling into darkness), she ended up indirectly causing problems for the worlds.
Another part of her however, wishes to save her friends no matter what, believing that she'll save the worlds as a result of saving her friends because one of them is currently the main problem (Terra possessed by Master Xehanort). She is fighting a struggle from within herself over whether or not her friends can be saved, and you'll be surprised to see what happens as a result of her deep desire to be reunited with her friends.
Did you like that I added music links? Thank you, I always thought it would be more interesting or give another way to enjoy the story if readers wanted to listen to it. Some of it will also help give a feel of familiarity in the fanfic to past Kingdom Hearts games (An example is one of the battle music tracks for later in Kairi's scenario, you'll be able to more easily make a connection to a past event in BBS and it will have Kairi possibly remind the reader in a way of one of the main characters from that game)
We're currently on the first world (Prydain). It's really a long fanfic, I have at least 15 chapters planned for this, then I came up with an idea that might add more depending on if I put it in or not. I'd say we're about 1/8 of a ways into the story.
I have to get back to finishing the next part because I just woke up. I went to bed right after posting part 1 of Chapter 3 because my parents were over at my place for most of the day having a celebration.
In Chapter 3 (Part 2):
-Sora fights the Rustflier, a Heartless that Ienzo summons.
-We find out what the object Ienzo mentioned is, and later on it plays a major role in a terrible plot that will have some of it seen in Part 3.
-Sora's visit to Prydain is concluded and Kairi's entire visit to Prydain is seen.
Aqualung, next time this happens, come to me.
[Edit: Finished taking care of everything but you guys know what happened. Please don't let it happen again. Thank you. <3]
While I know some people may disagree, I always encourage more description of characters in fanfics. You, like many – if not most – fanfic writers, pretty much assume that the reader knows what all the characters look like, but I'd advise that you describe them anyway. Even if everyone who reads your story knows what Sora and Riku look like, it's a good habit to get used to describing everyone.It was a beautiful day on Destiny Islands. The sun was setting, with the waves reflecting its light. Sora sat on a palm tree that was bent over to form a makeshift bench, looking to the horizon. Just then, Riku came walking along the boardwalk to the mini-island. "Sora," said Riku to his friend.
Also, I think it would be a good idea to describe the mini-island that the tree sits on here, since you reference it four paragraphs later.
I'm pretty sure that the second sentence should be 'He enjoyed all the conversations he and Riku had had since they got back to Destiny Islands.' The sentence is in the past perfect with a non-continuous verb. Since it is in the past perfect, there must be a 'had' before the verb, and the verb just happens to be the past tense form of the verb have, which is also 'had'. So 'had had'.The one Riku addressed had turned around. "Riku," Sora said enthusiastically, wondering what brought his friend over. He enjoyed all the conversations he and Riku had since they got back to Destiny Islands.
You can just delete the 'were their names' in the second sentence. It's pretty useless. If you want to keep that, exchange the colon for a semicolon. But I think it would flow better if you just delete it. Plus, Mickey doesn't even know the names of the people who need saving. His letter only said (loosely translated):"Yeah." Sora was holding in his hands a bottle with no cap, and a scroll with a seal that looked like a black, faceless mouse with two ears. A while ago, King Mickey had come to inform Sora of three people who desperately needed his help: Aqua, Terra, and Ventus were their names. According to Mickey, Sora was to go on another journey to rescue the three of them from their tragic, but escapable, fates that had befallen them.
I wanted to tell you immediately.
There were memories asleep inside you,
and those memory fragments connect to the future.
Sora, Riku, Kairi
The truth surrounding the Keyblade passes
through numerous connections,
and were inside your hearts
Everyone connected to
you is waiting for you.
The only one who can heal their
sadness is you
It's possible that the travels up until
now may have been easy in comparison to
what's next. Everything thought
to be accidental was really connected.
It seems the door to a new departure
is already opening.
Again, describe Kairi.Just then, Kairi came across the same boardwalk. "Sora!" she greeted, a cheerful look on her face.
I think there are better verbs than 'thought' for the second sentence. Maybe 'feared' or 'knew', though the second one does get across a slightly different meaning than what you currently have. Also, it seems like the second sentence should be past perfect tense ('Sora had decided that it would be best...'). Unless you are trying to say that just in that moment he decided to leave Kairi behind. But in the game it sounded like it had already been established that Sora would be leaving alone. Either way, I would suggest changing 'bring harm to them' later in that sentence to 'bring them harm', just for better flow."Kairi, I…" Sora had begun to regret leaving the islands again. He thought Kairi would get hurt if she was to go on a journey with him, and he didn't want Riku to risk the same. Sora decided that it would be best if Kairi stayed on Destiny Islands, with Riku to protect her should any villains attempt to bring harm to them. "There are still people who are sad out there. They're all waiting so… I've gotta reconnect everything back together again."
It seems like a 'just' would be a very good fit in the 'they had been reunited after...' part. Also, 'along' would work better at the end of the next sentence than 'with'. And IIRC, Kairi said 'hurry back', not 'have a safe trip', though who knows what the official English translation will be.Kairi smiled, but there was a faint look of sadness in her eyes. She didn't want Sora to leave her and Riku again; they had been reunited after such a long period of separation. If he was going on another journey, she wanted herself and Riku to come with. But Kairi knew Sora wouldn't have that, so she just smiled and did her best to encourage him. "Have a safe trip…" Kairi handed Sora her lucky charm, but felt that it would be a long time before she saw him again. She would do anything to help Sora… anything...
Describe a Station of Awakening and Roxas. Also, I think a better description of the dividing line is 'The mural depicted two sides divided down the diameter of the station.' And I think you should specify that Roxas is on the right side here, though it can be inferred. I'd also like to add that a reader not familiar with KH wouldn't know at all what Twilight Town looks like. And you name several characters here without describing them. Plus you use the verb depicted three times in three sentences. Change it up for more variety."Are we really gonna leave Kairi and Riku behind like this?" called a voice from within Sora. He suddenly found himself standing on a Station of Awakening. The mural depicted two sides divided by the diameter as a line. On the left side, Sora's face was depicted looking outward, with Destiny Islands in the background. Roxas was depicted looking outward, with Twilight Town as the background for his side. Mini-portraits surrounded the inner circumference of the mural, but they were of people who were important to each side. On Sora's side were portraits of Riku, Kairi, Donald, and Goofy. On Roxas's side were portraits of Hayner, Pence, Olette, and Naminé.
In the first sentence, the middle bit should be reworded to something like 'there were another five portraits'. In the beginning of the second sentence it should be 'The second' and 'a great resemblance'. I'd suggest describing Axel, but only briefly. And it's 'whom Sora and Roxas both knew'. Since the 'knewing' is being done to Axel by Sora and Roxas, you use 'whom' instead of 'who'. Axel is the object of the sentence. Also, you never matched the portraits' descriptions with the names Ven, Terra, Aqua, Xion, and Axel, so telling which side they are on by name is rather useless to non-KH fans. And if you only want to cater to KH fans, then skip the descriptions altogether. In addition, the use of TAV and Xion's names here is unnecessary and confusing to anyone who doesn't already know everything about KH. You've introduced tons of characters in one chapter, so giving all of them names is a bit too much to remember. Plus you proceed to write about characters who don't know their names, so the names aren't really needed in this chapter at all. It would be better to wait and name TAV when they become relevant. I'm sure KH-fans can figure out who they are anyway.On the very center of the mural around the divide, there were also five portraits: the first was a young man who looked quite similar to Roxas. Second was a young woman who bore great resemblance to Kairi, but with black hair. The third portrait was Axel, who Sora and Roxas both knew. The fourth portrait was a blue-haired woman, and the final portrait was a man with spiky black hair; both of them, and the young man who looked like Roxas, were wearing a shoulder-pad that looked like armor. The portraits of Ventus, Aqua, and Terra were on Sora's side, while Xion and Axel were both on Roxas's side of the mural. Roxas and Sora both stood on the Station of Awakening.
There's not anything technically wrong here, but I think the third and fourth sentences would be more clear if they said 'She has a keyblade now, so you and Riku can teach her how to fight!'. And I don't like the next part of the paragraph. The way you put it now is way too forward and blunt. I'm not going to tell you how to write this, since there are plenty of better ways to put it, but I guess I'll give you my example. I'd do something more detailed like 'Roxas' angry eyes narrowed as he finished his questions. He knew that as long as he and Sora were with Kairi and Riku, he could protect Namine, who still dwelled inside Kairi.'"You said that you and Kairi would always be together. Why would you separate like this? She has a Keyblade, and so does Riku! You can both teach her how to fight! Would you rather worry yourself all the time about whether or not something might happen to them?" Roxas angrily stated to Sora. He didn't want anything to happen to Naminé again. Roxas felt that if she was close, he could save her from whatever troubles came their way, with Sora's help.
Really weird transition here. I'd put a bigger transition between the 'with Riku protecting her' part and the Station question. It sounds too forced the way it is. The conversation isn't natural."I've made up my mind Roxas. She'll be safe on the islands with Riku protecting her. Also…" Sora looked around at the mural. "What station is this?"
Here, you go from relating feelings from Roxas' perspective to talking about things Roxas doesn't know, which can be confusing. I highly suggest getting rid of all information not known by Roxas (i.e. TA+Xion's names)."You know what, I really don't know…" Roxas was just as curious as Sora was. He felt he had never seen some of the faces on this mural before, particularly those of Xion, Terra, and Aqua. And then, why did one of them look like him, but with different clothes?! "Your guess is as good as mine. Those four people in the center though… who are they?" Roxas couldn't shake their portraits from his head. Axel he knew all too well, but the rest of them he couldn't quite figure out. Sora was also having his own questions about the mural. Were they the ones he was supposed to save? If so, why would Roxas be one of them?
No need for the 'just'."This will be your most dangerous journey yet…" A voice just echoed from the station. Sora and Roxas both turned about.
Punctuate 'Whoa'. And it's spelled 'w-h-o-a'. No biggie. Also, you could combine the last two sentences into something like 'Just then, the platform started to shake and a pedestal appeared before the two boys.'"What's that supposed to mean…?" remarked Sora. "'You will need each other,' and 'Be careful that you yourselves do not suffer?' Is it trying to tell us the future…?... WOAH" The platform started to shake. Just then, a pedestal appeared.
Describe a KK."The power you need will be great. But it will CHANGE you. Now, take this power… and prepare to open the door." On the pedestal were not one, but two Kingdom Keys. Sora and Roxas hesitantly reached forward.
Now this is a HUGE nitpick by me, but this scene sounds like it should be really epic, but it feels like you aren't quite descriptive enough. Maybe describe them taking the key a little more. And the part where they decide they'll need the keys seems a bit forced. Try to show, not tell."Wait a minute," said Sora, "the voice said this power would CHANGE us… what do you think it meant?" They both decided that whatever the power was, they'd need it for the journey, and each of them took a key.
Put strangely at the beginning of sentence 2, not the end. And describe the gummi ship WAY more. Also, the way you describe the pain is a bit bland. Maybe describe how Sora feels the pain and then show how he notices that everyone else seems to feel it too.Sora was back on the islands. Not a moment had passed, strangely. Kairi had just given him her charm, and Riku stood observing. Just then, Sora's gummi ship of the Kingdom model appeared in the skay, and a sharp pain went through everyone's head. "AAAAGH!!" Sora, Kairi, and Riku had all felt it. They couldn't explain what had happened, but the pain they had just felt was like a headache.
Switch 'with' with something like 'along' in sentence 2. By the way, you've used 'just then' a lot in these past few paragraphs, so I'd suggest finding a new transition. Using the same one over and over can get repetitive and boring."I have a feeling something really bad just happened…" exclaimed Sora. Kairi's expression suddenly turned to a frown… if it really was going to be dangerous, she wanted to come with. Just then, the gummi ship landed and its cockpit opened. Out fell Donald and Goofy, still recovering from the head-splitting pain.
Describe Donald if you haven't already. And the 'but' isn't needed."Yeah, but something doesn't feel right…" exclaimed Donald.
The second sentence doesn't sound frantic enough. Kairi's in a panic, and you're describing her thoughts very calmly. Try to add some emotion here. And Sora rolled Kairi off the ship?! That hardly sounds like Sora. If you insist on getting her off that way, then at least describe the event in more detail (ideally from Sora's point of view)."NO!! NOOO!! I'M GOING WITH SORA!! I'M NOT STAYING!!" Tears were streaming down her eyes. After the pain she experienced in her head, she felt the journey Sora was about to embark on would be very ominous. The last thing she wanted was to be left behind! Sora had to fly the gummi ship out to the ocean, then barrel roll to get them off.
Clarify that Riku and Kairi were swimming and mention that Sora is saying it from his ship. I was pretty confused at why Sora and Riku were swimming here.As they were swimming back, Sora said to Riku, "Promise me you'll both be safe!"
You don't need the 'Riku then responded' part. Just the dialogue will do, since you said in the previous paragraph that Sora is conversing with Riku.Riku then responded, "Don't worry Sora, we will."
Wait, did Namine point Kairi's hand at Sora? That part seems a bit unclear, since Namine doesn't have her own hand to point. And can Roxas hear Namine telepathically? Because the way you put it sort of implies that he can. If he can't, then the whole paragraph is kind of a useless infodump.Naminé was watching the gummi ship about to take off from Kairi's perspective. Even though Roxas couldn't hear her, she silently began thinking to herself. "Roxas... before you go, there's something you have to know. Ansem the Wise instructed me to seal away your memories. I did it willingly because I knew that not only was it the only way to bring back Sora, but also because those memories caused you great pain... they were memories of losing her. But Roxas, it was wrong for me to take those away from you." She had lifted her hand and pointed at Sora. "Your memories of her were in Sora all along... now they'll be yours again, slowly but surely. Soon enough Roxas, you'll even see her again. You'll need her help Sora… please accept it when the time comes."
This paragraph feels a bit unnecessary, except for the bit where you named Xion. You basically reiterate the same things you just said in the previous paragraph. It seems like it would be more efficient to name Xion in the previous paragraph and just delete everything except the last sentence in this paragraph.She remembered how Sora had to be put in stasis for his memories to return, but that was because they were all taken out of him and erased. All the memories Roxas had needed for him to fully remember his past were there inside Sora already. They would start to come back to him now that Naminé had allowed them to. And very soon… Xion's own memories would be complete. The gummi ship then took off… Sora's journey had just begun!