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Fanfiction ► Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (ORIGINAL) [Rewrite is currently at prologue part 1]



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Aqualung

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains recent game spoilers)

Not bad I guess. It was good really.

Am I starting to lose my touch? Was there something you didn't like about it? I'd love to know, don't be afraid to post any kind of critique!
 

Xeon{Myroku}

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains recent game spoilers)

Well, the whole Ansem speech where he's just repeating the first part of his sentence was kinda run-on or repeative. You know the whole "I cannot feel, but prehaps this is better," You made him say that line 4 times ending it with a different part. And also how you activate the D-Links or Command Styles. Seriously? Ice Cream? That's all you could think of to activate it? Not something pratical like for Sora to activate his Drive forms to either get Drive Recovery, obtained yellow Drive orbs or smack up his enemies around. You couldn't think of something like to drink some poiton or charge up his D-Link or Command Style by focusing up power for it?

I mean it's like Conker's Bad Fur Day (don't know what the game is or ever heard of it, look it up) when he only has to eat chocolate to gain health or for Mario and Sonic to use coins for their health. That's pretty cliche to me. I mean sure the D-Link and Command Style doesn't respond to the whole health motive here but still you get what I'm saying. To activate his D-Links or Command Styles he has to eat certain Ice Creams to do that. I mean seriously your just gonna make Sora, Kiari and Aqua all fat on eating Ice Cream for pete sakes. I mean....COME...ON!!! I would understand that if it was for a health motive but for this............It's just...wow really? Your going with that?
 

Aqualung

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains recent game spoilers)

Well, the whole Ansem speech where he's just repeating the first part of his sentence was kinda run-on or repeative. You know the whole "I cannot feel, but prehaps this is better," You made him say that line 4 times ending it with a different part.


Crap, I was really tired when I posted that. Fixing that RIGHT NOW. I seriously don't know how that happened, it's scaring me!

s1eyeballs

EDIT: It's fixed now, really sorry about that! Just goes to show how insane this week was for me when I got so tired that something I'd never do before in writing suddenly just happened.

And also how you activate the D-Links or Command Styles. Seriously? Ice Cream? That's all you could think of to activate it? Not something pratical? (Like for Sora to activate his Drive forms to either get Drive Recovery, obtained yellow Drive orbs or smack up his enemies around) You couldn't think of something like to drink some poton or charge up his D-Link or Command Style by focusing up power for it?

Actually, the ice cream serves only as an alternate way to activate Command Styles. Remember in Chapter 2 part 2 when Sora first used it, and Kairi was trying not to use her Command Style because it made her hands brim with dark energy? That was because they were using attacks and such to activate them. D-Links aren't activated by ice cream, and you see enemies even drop blue orbs to fill it when Aqua fights them in Chapter 2 part 3.

The whole purpose behind the ice cream, Command Styles, D-Links, and Shoot Locks is to link their abilities to Birth by Sleep (Yes, believe it or not you can use ice cream items [url="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBwz5cgiWG8]in that game to activate Command Styles[/url]). Sora and Kairi now have access to Birth by Sleep fighting styles, and the plot behind that is to actually bridge the present with the past; Merlin even states that Keybearers used those types of abilities before.

If you have ever played Birth by Sleep and have read the fanfic up to this point, you'll notice that several similarities are shared. There are three scenarios that the story takes place in, the name "Reborn from the Darkness" is a take on "Birth by Sleep" ("Birth" and "Reborn" in Kingdom Hearts are states of birth, the former being when one is first born, and the second obviously being when one is reborn. "Sleep" and "Darkness" in the titles also respectively describe a method and a location for where it takes place), characters use Command Styles, D-Links, and Shoot Locks as part of their abilities (Kairi's Command Style or Shoot Lock abilities haven't been shown yet but she does have that power now thanks to the darkness she obtained), and at least two key characters have returned in this fanfic from Birth by Sleep that are heavily involved in the plot: Aqua and Xehanort the Apprentice (a.k.a. Terranort).

Not only that, but my goal is to make some minor characters such as Scrooge McDuck actually have some importance on what's going on around them. There's actually going to be a story behind Huey, Dewey, and Louie's former ice cream parlor that was in BBS, and it's going to have something to do with Scrooge McDuck.

I mean, it's like Conker's Bad Fur Day (don't know what the game is or even heard of it, look it up) when he only has to eat chocolate to gain health or for Mario and Sonic to use coins for their health. That's pretty cliche to me.

The ice cream doesn't recover health in Kingdom Hearts or in this fanfic, Potions do.

I mean sure, the D-Links and Command Styles don't respond to the whole health motive here, but still you get what I'm saying. To activate D-Links or Command Styles they have to eat certain Ice Creams to do that. I mean seriously you're just gonna make Sora, Kairi and Aqua all fat from eating Ice Cream for pete sakes. I mean.... COME ON!!! I would understand that if it was for a health motive but for this............ it's just ...wow, really? Your going with that?

Again, they don't HAVE to use the ice cream. And it's not like I'm gonna have them constantly using it. You will be seeing them use attacks and such to use Command Styles most of the time, both for the reasons of health (Sora, Kairi, and Aqua really will get fat if they eat too much ice cream without any exercise, but they're going to be fighting enemies) and for budgeting (They aren't swimming in Munny). Not only that, but they won't even be able to use it all the time; Merlin even stated that the ice cream wouldn't appear again for a while after using it to force a Command Style, so most of the time they'd have to use abilities to charge up and activate them.
 
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MM125

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains recent game spoilers)

Very nice, but I can't quite figure out how Kairi could fight Xehanort's Heartless. Riku subdued its will in CoM, so there shouldn't be anything left except its power.
 

Aqualung

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains recent game spoilers)

Very nice, but I can't quite figure out how Kairi could fight Xehanort's Heartless. Riku subdued its will in CoM, so there shouldn't be anything left except its power.

Its will was subdued in Riku's body, but because it transferred XH thought he had a chance to possess Kairi, especially because she was so willing to use the power of darkness. He even explained his grievances over Riku controlling him to Naminé just before he presented Kairi with a choice and went up to the next Awakening that appeared to wait for her.

As for why Xehanort the Reborn (as I like to call Apprentice Xehanort in this fanfic, Terranort also works) is back if XH was still in Riku, it has something to do with Sora fighting XH in Kingdom Hearts 1. That's all I'm going to spoil before it is revealed later on in Kairi's story.

Also Xeon, I must say THANK YOU very much for your critique that stressed why you thought the ice cream idea sucked, and about the repetition in part of Ansem's dialogue. I forgot to put that thanks in my original discussion, and I'm sorry about that! I really, really enjoyed hearing a detailed, well written complaint about something in the story, gave me a good bit of insight and also pointed out a TERRIBLE mistake I made due to the fact that I wasn't even half-conscious when I made it.

s1elleface
 
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KingdomSoul333

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains recent game spoilers)

in BBS do you think that the characters really SEE the green circles for shoot lock because i think that is just for the player to see so they know what they are hitting. i doubt that the characters need that. and also i dont really like how the characters dont use their own impulses to fight, it seems that the keyblades randomly attack and they have no control over what it is.
 

Aqualung

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains recent game spoilers)

in BBS do you think that the characters really SEE the green circles for shoot lock because i think that is just for the player to see so they know what they are hitting. i doubt that the characters need that.

Maybe, I thought it would be interesting. I don't think it's necessarily something bad, but maybe that's just me; it doesn't really have an impact, as there would probably be something else that allowed them to target the enemies (probably just by looking at them).

and also i dont really like how the characters dont use their own impulses to fight, it seems that the keyblades randomly attack and they have no control over what it is.

The only time a Keyblade impulsively reacts is when certain incantations or motions are made, or if there's a Keyhole nearby. Sora tries to figure things out and use his magic properly, but he already has been on multiple journeys where he had to learn new abilities so it's really nothing new to him.

Aqua, on the other hand, now has new powers involving the bonds that she shares with Terra and Ventus in the form of ghost-like versions of them that can serve as her allies. They showed her how to use the shooting attack that Sora's Wisdom Form once used, but she can't move around while using it. Besides, it's not like the Keybearers actually know all about their powers, they have to discover things as they go on their journey. Aqua has the spirit versions of Terra and Ventus from her power to teach her how to use some of her new abilities, but as she is discovering, they are quite much like her old powers but with a few differences.

Even Kairi has to learn what her instincts tell her, and even then she still doesn't know the full extent of her powers and probably won't until the journey's almost over. She has what I like to call the Dark Instinct because it's part of her powers, and she almost NEEDS it because this is her first real journey. However, it only reacts in certain ways; it helps Kairi to learn more about her powers, and react to situations that have already occurred. Kairi however, has a choice whether or not to obey the instincts; they do not in any way control her movements directly.

You also notice that whenever D-Links or Command Styles are used, an indicator of how much power is left, how long until the finish can be used, etc. is shown as an orb of light (or in Kairi's case, darkness) that diminishes as the time runs out, and flashes as the finisher becomes available. They can connect the dots on how to use their powers, and then make decisions based on what to do in order to further continue unleashing them.
 
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Xeon{Myroku}

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains BBS and Days spoilers)

Well hey, I got like "A+" on my own creative narrative essay's. I just write like a one person point of view fictional tale and I always get an "A" out of writing those things. My English Prof. says I would most likely have a career in writing fictional novels for teens or kids one day. But I don't know about that. I mean I due make a few Naruto fan comic strips whenever I'm bored. My last strip was a Gieco commercial parody with Deidara, Tobi, Kakuza, and the money clip. It's finished on paper but not on the computer. I was coloring it in and cleaning it up a bit before I put it up somewhere. It's what I usually do when I'm bored.
 

Aqualung

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains BBS and Days spoilers)

Well hey, I got an "A+" on my own creative narrative essay's. I just write a first-person point-of-view fictional tale and I always get an "A" out of writing those things. My English Prof. says I would most likely have a career in writing fictional novels for teens or kids one day. But I don't know about that.

Oh don't worry, I wasn't questioning your writing skills or anything like that, I greatly appreciated your critique!

I was just explaining why I included stuff like the ice cream, and recognized that the repetition in part of Ansem's dialogue was an extremely rare and terrible mistake of mine which I corrected thanks to you pointing that out.

I mean I do make a few Naruto fan comic strips whenever I'm bored. My last strip was a Geico commercial parody with Deidara, Tobi, Kakuza, and the money clip. It's finished on paper but not on the computer. I was coloring it in and cleaning it up a bit before I put it up somewhere. It's what I usually do when I'm bored.

I'd really like to see that sometime if you could post it somewhere. A Geico commercial with them in it would make my day!

s1elleface
 
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Twilightheaven

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains BBS and Days spoilers)

So far i have just read the prolouge and im already enjoying this great story. Good Job!!
 

Xeon{Myroku}

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains BBS and Days spoilers)

I'd really like to see that sometime if you could post it somewhere. A Geico commercial with them in it would make my day!

s1elleface

Well first off I need to get on a Mac computer to finish it up. The thing is uploaded on my USB drive that I used for all my college works I do on those Mac computers they have up there. But when I do get to the point of finishing it I'll put it up somewhere and show it off. Probably put it up in my sig or something.
 

E.J.

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains BBS and Days spoilers)

To me, this doesn't feel like a story. It feels more like I'm playing a KH game and spamming a ton of spells.
 

Hex Girl17

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains BBS and Days spoilers)

Well I like this. My brother told me about this and I wasn't sure if I want to read it yet seeing as I'm still playing 358/2 days on my DSi XL. But after I read some of this I like it. I'm gonna make sure I finish my game first before I know about any spoilers on my Days game.
 

AdrianXXII

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains BBS and Days spoilers)

I like the way you brought back Xion but it's kinda strange she's so quiet and obeys everything without questioning it, but then again she know Namine so it might not be as strange as it seemed at first..

I think you wanted to do the same thing with Aqua's armor that they did with Terras but you'll have to give a reason to why a part of her remained inside it. Though I guess Xigbar confirmed that there is a voice from there, so maybe it's the armor, it would still be good to give a reason

Ansem's “death” was kinda odd in my opinion, but it works well with the recently emerged sleep theme.

Sora's comment about Kairi not listening to him, kinda seems more father and daughter than best friends / crushes. Kind of reminded me of Lion King.

Aqua only revers to herself as master once in the game, so it seems weird that she's referring to herself as Master Aqua. And if I remember right it's 11 year not 12, seeing DiZ said it's been about an year since he met Sora. She I find it funny that she worries about her age. Seeing she hasn't aged and she's as old as she was, when she fell into the dark realm.

Aqua's return was quite an interesting concept, her meeting with Sora was nicely done. The idea of a trainings room based on memories is a great idea and cleaving what Sora's abilities were was nice too.
 

Professor Ven

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Re: Kingdom Hearts: Reborn from the Darkness (Contains BBS and Days spoilers)

Well-written, to say the least; no real errors in the Grammar Department, either. I really liked the way you started the story, focusing on Sora first, then shifting from him - Just because it's KH doesn't mean it has to be all about his point of view.

Excellent job, keep chugging along!

Until the Plot rears its ugly head once more. D:

-KUDOS!-
 
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