Help/Support ► I can't believe i'm doing this...

[Battlecry]

Usually, I go to my best friend whenever I can decide on something important or sort out a major problem like this, but if you read further, you'll realize that it isn't an option.

Well, I live with my mother and little brother, and my mom is a single parent, so we don't have much money, and that's why we move around the state alot, and I end up having to go to a different school almost every year. I make friends pretty easily, but it's rare if they're really close to me. The passing school year (seventh grade), I made a very close friend named Kathleen. We share very similiar intrests; anime, poetry, art, ect. We act almost the opposite though, she's a bit perky and outgoing, wheres i'm more timid and calm.

I've told her everything about my life, such as my father being abusive, breaking up with my first love, ect. Well, after talking for a while, I discovered that she knows the guy i'm in love with (Ben). She says they went to elementary school together, but he doesn't go to our middle school. I haven't seen him in almost two years, but we talk to eachother on the phone every so often. But that's a different story.

So, towards the middle of the school year, I went out with a close friend of mine named Joey for three months, and he dumped me, but we were still friends after that. He didn't know I still had feelings for him after that, though.

After alot of uneccesary drama, the school year is coming to an end. And behind my back, my best friend, Kathleen, asks Joey out. I didn't find this out until a few weeks ago.

And when I did, I confronted her, and they're broken up. I still don't know what to do, though. Kathleen is probably the closest friend i've ever had, but she's hurt me very deeply. I'm avoiding Joey completely...but I somehow just can't hate her for what she's done. Sure, I can't trust her, but I don't know....

Advice?

 

[Fuse]

You guys should talk about your feelings for Joey now and how all this started.
Try to work something out between you two.

Trust me, Its not good to hold a grudge either :x

 

[Mordecai]

Yes, I have a handful of advice. Move on, and renew your relationship with your friend.

You cannot be that angry at her. First of all, you're done with him. You do not control his or her wants/needs/wishes, they have the right to do what they want ( even if it wasn't that nice ). Second, why be angry if they are broken up? She did what you asked her to do because she cares about you more than him. Your relationship shouldn't be any different from before now. Third and last, if you do not take your friend back, ( even though she made up for her mistake by breaking up with him[or whatever happened]), you will lose your closest friend in the area and end up regretting it later.

~ FoT <3

 

[Battlecry]

Second, why be angry if they are broken up? She did what you asked her to do because she cares about you more than him.

Actually, after I asked, she still stayed with him. :x About two weeks after that, Joey broke up with her. I know what you're coming from, though, but she's done something like this before, and I don't know if I can trust my heart with her.

 

[Mordecai]

I see. The way you put it sounded like they broke up right after you spoke with her. In that case, don't trust her yet. Build it up again, but your best bet is to still stay friends with her. After a time, you can trust her, if she doesn't do something like this again.

You can approach the problem in many ways.. I suggest just talking to her and figuring out the whole thing. Tell her she hurt your feelings. If she doesn't seem to care, or says that she doesn't, then... well.. You know who your friends are, don't you? Pretty simple. If she does care though, she'll know not to do it again. Then, you can begin rebuilding your relationship with her.

 

[Shadowysights]

If you can't then don't try. Its resonable to not trust her, seeing as how she went behind your back. You can't just forgive and foget etheir. Just be a casual friend, not putting much trust with her. I'm sure she didn't try to hurt you like she did; just be mormal friends and maybe if one day you'll be able to trust her again.

But I'm not good at giving out advice.

 

[sorasgirl]

I have a best freind named samantha and once we both asked out the same uy and he said no to me. she dumped wen she found out that let me know she was a great freind! Kathleen did the same. They broke up after wards s ou should tell her how it hurt u and talk to her about it! and next time, if u still have feelings for someone tell her! She is your best freind after all!

 

[sorasgirl]

Nevermind I didnt read all of this! This is worse than that! dont be her freind it sounds like u two have grown apart. dont trust her an d dont be her freind again. if she does this to u again, u'll be crushed.

 

[Tobuoi]

Well, you see, people do horrible things to each other, all of the time...but somehow, we usually end up forgiving each other. It just depends on the weight of both the good and bad situations that have been shared.

I would basically just recommend talking to each other and whatnot until it's all just part of the past. Eventually, you'll mature and develop more and from hurting each other, you'll learn to be a better person, basically. You've kind of got to see the worst in people before you can see their best. :/

I would also recommend being a little more dependent. I have a best friend that I've been close with for about four years, now, and there are still things that haven't settled between us. Sometimes, keeping your distance is a good idea. While I'm still just as emotionally close to her, I've made it my goal to be my own person.

And after a few years of experience, I must tell you that a dispute over a boy is a dispute NOT worth having. But then again, maybe I just haven't met the right guy yet. XD

 

[Battlecry]

I would also recommend being a little more dependent. I have a best friend that I've been close with for about four years, now, and there are still things that haven't settled between us. Sometimes, keeping your distance is a good idea. While I'm still just as emotionally close to her, I've made it my goal to be my own person.

Um, you meant independent, right? o.o;

If so, I am more than you know. :/ I've lived most of my life without any close friends, so i'm actually a bit too independent for my liking. I distance myself from others and don't accept help at all. A loner, you could say, but when I finally became close to someone, they hurt me. Things like this make me not want to have friends at all.

The truth is, I act to her as if everything's alright between us, but i'm still holding a grudge. I've helped her out alot more than she's helped me, in my opinion. Although she's a bit older than me, I act as the big sister towards her, so my role in our relationship is really influencing my opinion about the problem.

 

[Q]

Uhh I see absolutely no problem with your friend asking your other ex-boyfriend/friend out. .__.

Unless she's nabbed him on the rebound or something. Why should you have a problem about it? I mean, you're broken up, and she asks him out. Do you just not trust her because she didn't tell you about it? Honestly, it's not worth getting pissed off at her over that. If they broke up soon after, good for you, then, but really, the complexity of this issue is not being conveyed to me.

Umm it sounds like this is mostly drama. Move on. Regain her trust and just keep being friends. It is not worth this. Lingering will only hurt your friendship more.

 

[Battlecry]

Uhh I see absolutely no problem with your friend asking your other ex-boyfriend/friend out. .__.

Unless she's nabbed him on the rebound or something. Why should you have a problem about it? I mean, you're broken up, and she asks him out. Do you just not trust her because she didn't tell you about it? Honestly, it's not worth getting pissed off at her over that. If they broke up soon after, good for you, then, but really, the complexity of this issue is not being conveyed to me.

Umm it sounds like this is mostly drama. Move on. Regain her trust and just keep being friends. It is not worth this. Lingering will only hurt your friendship more.

Considering I still have feelings for him, and she didn't break up with him when I confronted her...it affects me. :x Not to mention that this isn't the first time she's done this.

 

[Thelonepickle]

Um, you meant independent, right? o.o;

If so, I am more than you know. :/ I've lived most of my life without any close friends, so i'm actually a bit too independent for my liking. I distance myself from others and don't accept help at all. A loner, you could say, but when I finally became close to someone, they hurt me. Things like this make me not want to have friends at all.

The truth is, I act to her as if everything's alright between us, but i'm still holding a grudge. I've helped her out alot more than she's helped me, in my opinion. Although she's a bit older than me, I act as the big sister towards her, so my role in our relationship is really influencing my opinion about the problem.

Meh. First of all, I wonder if she KNEW that you had feelings for the guy after you two broke up. I mean, usually you figure that the couple get over each other, and they move on. The only way you DON'T assume this is if it's completely obvious or you've been told otherwise, so even though YOU'VE been thinking about your feelings for him for a while, it probably didn't occur to your friend.

Also, having Assigned Roles in a friendship is a bad thing. I mean, jokingly, we label each other, like, 'The mother,' and 'the Peacemaker,' stuff like that, but when you actually expect your friends to submit to you, there's something off.

Honestly, I dunno. If you're going to try to start something up with the guy again, how 'bout you take the high road and ask your friend first? And if you're NOT going to, then get over this. Do you really want to lose a friend over it?

 

[Vandread]

Personally, I gotta agree with Sir Meta Knight. It sounds like you and Kathleen are close friends. Is this one instance truly enough to end your relationship with your best friend? You yourself said that you rarely make close personal friends. Don't take her for granted.

Also, put yourself in her shoes. If you really liked someone, would you instantly break up with him just because someone told you to? Sure it may make you upset, but what about your friend's happiness?

 

[Duality]

End the friendship. Only a selfish friend would do such a thing without telling you. A true friend, a true best friend, would never consider doing it. It's not worth getting hurt twice. Honestly, that is a pathetic friend.

A friend is not measured by their interests, humour, and similarities. A friend is selected in those ways. A friend is measured by loyalty, and trust. If broken at any time, don't bother renewing it.

I hope it turns out well.

 

[Tobuoi]

Um, you meant independent, right? o.o;

If so, I am more than you know. :/ I've lived most of my life without any close friends, so i'm actually a bit too independent for my liking. I distance myself from others and don't accept help at all. A loner, you could say, but when I finally became close to someone, they hurt me. Things like this make me not want to have friends at all.

The truth is, I act to her as if everything's alright between us, but i'm still holding a grudge. I've helped her out alot more than she's helped me, in my opinion. Although she's a bit older than me, I act as the big sister towards her, so my role in our relationship is really influencing my opinion about the problem.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. I hate typos. They upset me.

Anyways, I wasn't basing how in/dependent you were from what you've typed, I was just suggesting that you really make yourself a seperate person and take pride in that. And just because you haven't had close friends very often doesn't mean that you won't tend to delve into the relationship. I don't know you, though, so I can't say for sure. I'm just saying that it's very important to see your relationship as two seperate people...not just one entity of friendship or love or whatever.

And honestly, I probably wouldn't get mad at a friend for dating an ex-boyfriend of mine. I mean, if the two of you broke up in the first place, it probably means that you aren't compatible anyways, so...why bother? It seems like a waste of time. There's always the chance that your friend liked the other person just as much or more than you, too. The only time that I'd have any open apprehensions or second thoughts on a subject such as this would be if the guy cheated on me or did something else that was particularily horrible. In which case, I'd merely warn my friend. But ultimately, it's their choice, not yours.

If you're really feeling this stressed out about your friendship, you should probably just back off for a while. If the two of you are really as close as you think, things'll come around in the end.

 

[blinkboy211]

oh my god you dated Joey too

Ok jokes aside just talk to your friend. Everyone knows friends are something you want to keep close to you. If you dont friends are the one people that can do the most damage to your life. And since your only 13 and move around alot usually people would say "oh you can make new friends just asa close" but you dont want to push aside someone as close as that person. Your young but having a friend at that age can be the best thing for someone.

So talk it out, hug, then cry, then have a sleepover and it all works out.

 

[Q]

Wait a minute - you're only 13, BC?

Then my advice changes, a slight bit. Don't date. It's useless at this age. I'm 13 as well, and they do not last. Usually. Get over the lose, remake the bridges that your friend burned, and keep being friends. It is not worth all this drama, especially when you're thirteen, like I am.

 

[blinkboy211]

Wait a minute - you're only 13, BC?

Then my advice changes, a slight bit. Don't date. It's useless at this age. I'm 13 as well, and they do not last. Usually. Get over the lose, remake the bridges that your friend burned, and keep being friends. It is not worth all this drama, especially when you're thirteen, like I am.

Thats deep i almost cried. but yeah Sir Meta Knight is exactly correct

 

[Mordecai]

End the friendship. Only a selfish friend would do such a thing without telling you. A true friend, a true best friend, would never consider doing it. It's not worth getting hurt twice. Honestly, that is a pathetic friend.

A friend is not measured by their interests, humour, and similarities. A friend is selected in those ways. A friend is measured by loyalty, and trust. If broken at any time, don't bother renewing it.

I hope it turns out well.

Maybe you should take into consideration that Kathleen was her very best friend in the area, and from what I read, the only best friend. Losing her would lose a good way to relieve stress - by talking about her problems.

Also, just because a friend makes a mistake, doesn't mean the consequences should be as severe as what you're suggesting. Ending the entire friendship?

Lastly, Kathleen might not have known that BC still had feelings for Joey. Simply, I'll run through a scenario..

BC dated Joey, then eventually, Joey broke up with BC. Kathleen, a little later, got with Joey for whatever reason. Perhaps she liked him as well, and seeing that it didn't work out with Joey, gave her an oppurtunity to get to him herself. Sure, it might have been a tad on the wrong side, but I'm sure most other teenage girls in the same exact situation would have done the same exact thing. You can blame her for her mistake, but you shouldn't be that hard on her.

An easier way, winning in all ways, would be to become friends with her again, but not trust her yet. Wait for her loyalty to show (if there is any) and then you can trust her again. If she doesn't show any loyalty, then you know you cannot put trust in her. But you know for sure that you couldn't, as opposed to not giving her another chance, where you're left wondering if you could.

A wise man once said, “What do you first do when you learn to swim? You make mistakes, do you not? And what happens? You make other mistakes, and when you have made all the mistakes you possibly can without drowning - and some of them many times over - what do you find? That you can swim? Well - life is just the same as learning to swim! Do not be afraid of making mistakes, for there is no other way of learning how to live!” - Alfred Adler.

This was just her making a mistake. Now you give her a chance and see if she can swim.