• Hello everybody! We have tons of new awards for the new year that can be requested through our Awards System thanks to Antifa Lockhart! Some are limited-time awards so go claim them before they are gone forever...

    CLICK HERE FOR AWARDS

Fanfiction ► Back on the islands



REGISTER TO REMOVE ADS
Status
Not open for further replies.
Apollo

Apollo

Silver Member
Joined
Mar 17, 2007
Messages
4,309
Hello this is my first fan so if it sucks just say so and i will stop! It is about what goes on when sora, riku, and kairi return to the islands!

Chapter 1
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sora, Riku, and Kairi were gald to be back on their home islands.

But just than King Mickey, Donald duck, and Goofy faded away! " Whoa wait what is happing?" yelled Sora sounding worried

" They don't belong here their heart know that and somehow took them back to their home world" said Riku in a sure vocie

"How do you know riku" asked Kairi who felt a little lost

"King Mickey told me this might happen" said Riku who did not show a hint of being worried at all. The three friends sat down on the beach.

Sora cried " That is not fair I did not even get to say good bye" he began to cry a little bit.

"Sora do not worry I have a feeling that we will see them again I can just feel it in my heart" riku said with comfort to make Sora feel better. But than Riku's voice took a diffrent tone and he began to say " sorry guys for everything"

"No Riku it is not your fault you just lost and wanted to help me" Rairi said as she looked at her lucky charm.

" Besides Riku you helped stop the heartless and nobodys you had what was right in your heart the whole time" Sora said But than sora got up "I am going to look around the old island"

Sora walked down the beach than walked towards him and riku's old spot the secret place. He walked down the tunnel he got to the main area that had all the drawing on the wall it was wet in there. He walked over to a picture it showed him and kairi giving each other a magical fruit "I can't belive it" sora said to himself outloud.

Riku was still sitting a the beach kairi went to go talk to Tidus. Riku got up and went to go sit on his old favorite tree he use to sit on all the time. Sora came running to riku and asked him what he thought the door to the light was he pointed at sora's chest.

"My heart" Sora asked he did not understand riku

" Ya sora your heart at that moment was full of light sora it opened the door" Riku said

But just than Kairi came running holding a bottle inside their was paper that had the king's logo on it. They quickly opened it and it said "Dear riku, sora and kairi we got home safe but when I went down to the Hall of conner stone of light a portal was opened and when I went into it I found out it was a memory of Xehanort so in 5 days I am coming to get you guys so you can see it there might be a problem coming your friend King Mickey"

"see sora I told you we would see them again" yelled riku in a happy voice

"Ya I can't wait" Sora said with a happy tone

"We should go home are familys must miss us" kairi said just a little worried. The three friend hoped in their boats and went home.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
well that is the end of chaper one hope it is good if not just say so! thank you!
 
Apollo

Apollo

Silver Member
Joined
Mar 17, 2007
Messages
4,309
you can say what ever I don't care this my first one what ever you say will more than likely help me!
 
T

Taokitty

A Chagrined Fool.
Joined
Aug 3, 2005
Messages
1,519
Awards
3
Age
31
Location
People's Fragile Dreams, Relinquished from Anixiet
>_< Hai!

First off, you may want to edit your title and captilize "Islands," seeing when a title of a book is given, nouns, verbs, and such are capitalized while words like "on" and "the" are lower cased because if I remember correctly from my ELA notes, you don't usually capitalize adverbs for they are just helping with the description, now I could go into a bit thing about this but I don't know how to explain it that well and you've been taught this in school so you probably wouldn't want to listen to a person who mumbles a lot (like me) to write four to five paragraphs on such a thing.

Also, do you over check your work (re-read it)? Such a thing can help quite a bit for you may noticed errors that you can edit and happily say you had gotten rid of a nuisense (Know clue of the spelling today!) to your writing (less you're like me who slaps their forehead and wonders how you couldn't notice that).

Now, this nuisense would be like how I'm spelling the word nuisense, notice how it's spelled wrong (I'm pretty sure it's spelled wrong)? A few mistakes are fine but it can be troublesome if a chapter is bomboarded with grammarical errors and typos. It can lead to unattraction, make it hard to read and destroy a chance of a possibly good story. Now, you don't have to be perfect in this category, but people prefer such things, heck, I know I do (even if I am a hypocryte). ^^;;;

For example:

sentence said:
" They don't belong here their heart know that and somehow took them back to their home world" said Riku in a sure vocie
Click to expand...

There are three errors I can count in this. First off (if memory comes to serve me), there should not be a space between the quotation mark(as our ELA teacher rammed into our head) and the word, rather it should linked, also there should be a comma by the end of what Riku said as well and a period as well. The nice thing about microsoft word is that it points out such mistakes.

So instead of the above, it may want to look like this.

sentence said:
"They don't belong here, their heart knows that and somehow took them back to their home world," said Riku in a sure voice.
Click to expand...

Comma are also useful seeing sometimes it can be hard to read if just given off the bat, and one can hope this looks a little better. A quick simple check can probably distinguish (as I've pressed too much now) such errors that can be fixed.

Also, I've noticed you're using the word,"Said," a lot. You may want to try to be a bit more creative or descriptive in possible thoughts of the characters, though you state what tone is used, maybe try to jumble up the words a bit (?) to give it a different feel and to give it a sort of flow or rhythm to the story. You can still say," Said," you just may want to add a little more detail.

sentence said:
"They don't belong here, their hearts knows that and somehow took them back to their home world,"Riku affirmed the two, his voice rather sure, though despite this, Kairi felt a little doubtful and unsure.
Click to expand...

Sadly I'm not that good at literature so I can't give a good example, but I hope you get the idea (also try to link sentences togehter!).

You may also want to try to be a bit more descriptive, maybe say, of the enviroment, actions, such stuff like that you see.

That is all for now. There be a bit more, though I think I've given rather a bit (or atleast some) and I rather not come crashing landing on you.

You must also take not I am not 100% of all I said, for example, I originally said something about apostraphes, luckily word soft told me it was incorrect of what I was saying (it seems I'm rather dependent on it all of a sudden...)... But I later found out it was correct, proving how some of my words may be false in that category.

If you'd like, you can check the Fanfiction Prose/ Guild Directory for Thelonepickle's article about literature/grammar and GuardianOfHearts for giving stories emotional weights as long as any others that are there.

On a lighter note:

Sadly this isn't very good critism I fear, I hope it doesn't seem like I'm nit picking you, I'm truly not! >_<

Sorry if you don't really like it for

A) Being so bloody long

B) Sounding like I'm lecturing you (which in a way I am... GAH! >_<)

Or

C) You feel discouraged.

I hope if anything only A) or B) is what makes you not like the critism (if you well... Don't... Like... It... o.o;;), but I hope you don't get discouraged. D:

After all, one must start somewhere, neh?

If you'd like, I'll hang around to give ya more constructive (atleast I hope it is >_<) critism and read what ya write! =D (Or not... Depending on your wish).

So yeah, if so...

BEWARE OF THE EMOTICONS!! MUHAHAHA! ^0^

(And down with the smileys! D: )

xD
 
Last edited:
Apollo

Apollo

Silver Member
Joined
Mar 17, 2007
Messages
4,309
Ok i tired to fix it as best as I can but if there is anything bad about it please say so!
CHAPTER 2
_____________________________________________________________________________________
As Sora came to the island on his boat he saw that Riku's boat was already there so he jumped out of his boat and ran down the beach. He finally met Riku and said "What are you doing here so early?"

"Training becuse well King Mickey is coming right? So I think we should be ready for anything that could happen." Riku said a powerful voice.

"You are right" Sora called for his blade than him and Riku swung at a bunch of tree for one hour. But than Tidus came walking up.

Tidus looked happy as always and said "cool weapons it looks like the one that Black haired boy had." Sora looked at Riku.

"What black haired boy?" replyed Sora. He was a little worried.

"I don't know his name but he was in the old secret place" Tidus said in a calm voice. As soon as he said that Riku and Sora jumped up and ran towards the Secret place. It was a wet, cold place to be in they finally got to the end of the of the cave. They saw a boy with long black who had a black coat , and blue pants.

"Who are you" Riku asked is a powerful voice he looked a little mad.

"It does not matter who I am just go away!" The boy said in a calm voice

"No you get off the island or I will make you!" Riku said with anger and hate in his voice. He called for his blade and pointed it at the boy in black.

But when Riku pointed the blade at him the boy in black just laughed and said "you must be one that the darkness used and if you try to fight me you will only get hurt" The boy in black said with a calm voice and called for his keyblade it was big and long and had red and black on it!

Riku swung his keyblade at the boy but the boy blocked it with such a poweful force that when Riku's made contact with it he flew back and rolled on the ground! Than wiill Riku was getting up the boy stabbed him in the chest Riku made a small gasp and fell back down.

"Riku" Sora cried and called for his keyblade and ran at the boy in black but the boy jumped right over Sora.

The boy was coming at Sora but stopped and said in quick voice "I must complete my task" and he ran out of the cave!

"Riku" Sora dropped to his knee's and tired to help riku up. Kairi came running in she looked at Riku and cried.

"I am ok it was just a small cut" Riku tired to tell Kairi and Sora as they helped him out of the cave. But Riku was in real pain he just did not want to worry his friends.

Sora explained to Kairi what happened Than she said "I wonder who he is and what is task was?" She was still worried about Riku.

"I still can't understand how that guy got so powerful" Riku said he was fill with anger and pain. He was hurt that he lost. "What if he attacked you Sora? Than it would be all my fault for not stopping him" Riku said with anger.

"It is ok Riku we just need to train like you said" Sora replied in a calm voice. He was worried about if that kid comes back.

"I can help you guys!" Kairi said in a cheerful voice but yet she was worried about what was to come!
______________________________________________________________________________________
well I did my best thank you all for reading it and trying to help me impove if you see anything bad please point it out. Thank you!
 
Apollo

Apollo

Silver Member
Joined
Mar 17, 2007
Messages
4,309
Ok here is the next chapter it is my first battle so tell me how i did with it!
Chapter 3
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the last few days Riku, and Sora worked hard with their keyblades they had one more day till King Mickey came to get them. Riku still was mad about lossing to that boy in the black. Riku jumped in his boat.

"Where are you going Riku?" sora asked in a cheerfull voice.

"Home i don't feel good." Riku replied. That was a lie he just wanted to train alone.He rowed home in is boat.

Sora walked over to Kairi she was getting food ready just in case they need on the trip. "How do you think we are going to get there?" Sora asked as the thought about it.

"I don't but Sora look that looks like a bottle out" Kairi asked as she stood up so she could get a better look.

"Ya I am going to go get it." Sora said he got up and ran into the water and grabbed it. He swam back to the sand and him a kairi opened it and it read. " Dear kids you know that am coming early so be at the beach at 5:00am be ready so no one will see use leave from King Mickey.

"We got to till Riku" Kairi said as than ran for the boats but they were stopped by a bunch of heartless it looked like they were millions of them.

Meanwhile while Sora took on the heartless Riku was walking down a street. He walked for while than he heard a sound bye a dark path between to bulildings he ran in to the path.

He finally got to the end and he saw a little girl on the ground and that kid in the black holding his keyblade at the little girls face. The boy in black swung at the girl Riku closed his eyes when he opened them the girl was gone. "What did you do to her?" Riku yelled

"Oh it is you again don't worry she was just a nobody but I hope you are right to be killed by T.k. Gontaded" The boy in black said.

"Ha T.k. is you name well I am better than last time." Riku said as he ran at T.k. He hit T.K's blade but the impact Made Riku fall over he got up quick.

"Ha the power of the keyblade of hope will kill you." T.K said with a sick smile.

"The keyblade of what,? you name your keyblade?" Riku asked he was lost.

"No you fool when you put a keychain on your keyblade it changes the name your is the powerful Way to Dawn to bad you are to weak to use it." T.K said as he ran at Riku. Riku ducked T.K's blade and hit him in the chest. T.K flew back in pain but he still stood.

"I told you I was better" Riku said but he looked at T.K he was running at him. Riku swung but T.K was gone, than Riku felt pain in his back and T.K was back in front of him and he kicked Riku in the stomach. Riku flew back and fell down.

"Ha you did not see that coming." T.K said with a sick voice.

Riku did not understand how T.K got so fast that he did not even see him move. Riku stood up even though he a very bad pain in his back where he got stabbed. He about to attack but he saw Tidus run up to him yelling "Riku, Sora needs your help black things are attacking him".

Riku said to T.k "When i get done helping Sora I will beat you." He ran off to help Sora.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
well that is the end of the chapter please point out bad stuff that I can fix!:thumbsup:
 
Last edited:
Apollo

Apollo

Silver Member
Joined
Mar 17, 2007
Messages
4,309
well thank you guy I am starting tonight on the next chapter so more than likely i will post it sat.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top