XD lol!!! that was hilarious!!!!! and what the crap is an mp4???????
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*will OUR heroes accept it? How will they get out of the troubles they'VE made together?Will out heroes accept it? And how will they get out of the troubles they made together? Find out!
(1) Destiny High must be jam packed with KH characters. A lot of KH fanfics I see have that as the school. Eh.It was a regular morning in Destiny High (1). The students entered the school, some of them finding their lockers or getting their schedule, some just chatting with others or making new friends. (2) [THE] First day of school.
Is this really necessary? Really?Suddenly, out of nowhere, Passion Drive Aura Mix version, by Utada Hikaru played in the background.
(1)Description dumps. First off, this is a bad thing to do. Starting off with the first sentence, you could have something like "a girl with black hair tied up with a pink ribbon looked around. her glassy blue eyes looked around nervously blah blah blah" that way you get some appearance in. And if you're going to describe someone, don't just stop at hair and eyes. Drives me nuts to see nothing more than a naked doll running around in a story.The girl had black hair, passes a bit her shoulders. Half of her hair collected with a pink bow, making it get out of her blue glassy eyes. She wore the school uniform; she thought it was cute, just that the skirt is too short. She was always shy. (1)
same paragraph.
She held her books in her arms, not knowing where to go; she was new after all.
She looked to her right, looking for her class. While she did so, she felt her hand brushing [UP AGAINST] another. She turned around and saw the back head of a silver haired boy walking away. (2)
She (3) shrugged her shoulders (4) and turned around, meeting a kid and knocking the both of them to the ground.
A guy like Riku wouldn't dwell on something as dumb as his hand brushing on another hand. He has shit to do.When he felt his hand touching other's, he didn't care. He walked away. But something told him to look around. So he did. To find nothing.
Say a instead of the. Works a hell of a lot better."Huh [COMMA] nothing," he said and continued to walk with the brunette [BOY] and the red haired girl.
(1) Unnatural. Suck at what? D: Just say "because you don't do anything but goof off. the teachers reward you with Fs" or something."That's 'cause you suck," (1)Riku laughed at his younger friend.
"Get real!" (2) Sora yelled, blushing as he saw Kairi (3)giggling.
(1) DOESN'T MATTER. Around the same age fixes everything.The girl rubbed her forehead. She looked up and saw a boy probably the same age as hers, maybe one year older, (1) doing the same.
They (2)eyes met. He had dark brown hair, covered with a thick layer of gel, making it stay steady. He had beautiful blue eyes, and thick lips. He had perfect skin tone. To make it short, he(3) was perfect.(4)
The girl blushed when she realized she is staring too hard. She quickly started to collect her books from the floor, being helped by the boy.
(1) This is where we would see that "oh, she's really shy.""I-I'm so sorry," she said embarrassed. (1)
"That's okay." He returned her the books and they got to their feet. "I'm Terra, by the way. I believe I never saw you around…" (2)
"I'm new here," the girl smiled. (3)
"May I ask your name?" (4)
"X-Xion…"
"Well, it is nice to meet you then, Xion," the boy flushed a smile.
Is that really necissary!? Holy crap, it's a good story, I"m sure everyone can overlook all the typos and stuff so long as we get the general idea of what's going on.
You're writings okay as it is Peach, don't let Annoyance drag you down.
Is that really necissary!? Holy crap, it's a good story, I"m sure everyone can overlook all the typos and stuff so long as we get the general idea of what's going on.
You're writings okay as it is Peach, don't let Annoyance drag you down.
And here we have a perfectly good example of why I don't critique as much as I used to.
That just ticks me off. As a writer and someone who actually bothers to give people critique on their work, this REALLY pisses me off.I"m sure everyone can overlook all the typos and stuff so long as we get the general idea of what's going on.
The duck swam across the pond.
He's still swimming across the pond. He's just doing it with more detail.Narrowly escaping the fox, the duck flew into the water and landed with a sloppy splash. Floating, the duck looked around for something to eat to distract him from the near-death experience and to also get farther away from the fox sitting at the shore. Spotting something, he duck swam towards the potential meal.
Take what time you need, I know school can be a hastle and just a pain at times.
*Sigh* Okay, Annoyance I don't wanna make an enemy outta you. I'm a writer myself, I have a story in the Creative Wretching section. Go ahead and check it out if you want.
As a writer I like to get tips every now and then so I can improve my writing, but what really pisses me off is when somone goes through the whole chapter and points out every little mistake. It's like they're telling me I'm failing and their just rubbing salt in the wound.
Peach is young so she can learn but you don't have to point out every mistake, just give her friendly tips.
Peach is young so she can learn but you don't have to point out every mistake, just give her friendly tips.
she's my age. if i were her, i'd be more than honored to have someone critique me like that. it helps so much in writing. if you don't accept critique, then you clearly won't make it in the author's world. you can just stop writing if you don't want annoyance's help.Age: 14