XD lol!!! that was hilarious!!!!! and what the crap is an mp4???????
Fanfiction ► We'll Learn Together
- Thread starter Glos-Peach
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Lol, that was good. I like where this is going.
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- Aug 2, 2008
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Awesome update, Glos-Peach. My favorite part was the flashback of Marluxia; he would definitely waste two hours in the bathroom flipping his hair. I also liked Sora keeps saying the Org is evil; they are only evil until they do something heinous, but they haven't done anything yet. I'm still waiting to see them do something stupid. Anyway, great job, and I look forward to more.
Man Sora needs chill pill.
Wow, it's been so long. Somone needs to put up another chapter of this freakin hilarious story.
Too true my friend. Too true.
This is a pretty good story. Hoping another chapter goes up.
Right, sorry about that. It's just that I'm busy with school lately...
Take what time you need, I know school can be a hastle and just a pain at times.
*will OUR heroes accept it? How will they get out of the troubles they'VE made together?
I'm guessing this is on fanfiction.net...
but whatever. I dunno how long this'll be.
(1) Destiny High must be jam packed with KH characters. A lot of KH fanfics I see have that as the school. Eh.
(2) Awkward. You could say like "blah blah school, some going to straight to their lockers, others frantically trying to get their schedule before classes started, some chatting with friends.
Is this really necessary? Really?
I understand. You like the song. It's a pretty good song. But it isn't relevant to anything at all and is just out of place if anything. This isn't a movie script. This is a story.
Plus the lyrics and mood of the song are PRETTY irrelevant to the story and mood of this whole thing.
(1)Description dumps. First off, this is a bad thing to do. Starting off with the first sentence, you could have something like "a girl with black hair tied up with a pink ribbon looked around. her glassy blue eyes looked around nervously blah blah blah" that way you get some appearance in. And if you're going to describe someone, don't just stop at hair and eyes. Drives me nuts to see nothing more than a naked doll running around in a story.
The school uniform thing is unnecessary. You could include somewhere else in the beginning with people complaining about the uniform and how the skirt is too short or not short enough.
The shy part can be shown through dialogue and action. Not description. Show, not telling is a huge key in writing. You could have her trying to ask some other students where she has to go for class but not having the courage to speak, showing shyness and her uneasiness of being a new student.
(2) Worded horribly. I want you to figure out how to reword it though. :3
(3)Repeating "She" a bunch of times. I also think these all could be in the same paragraph except for the middle one.
(4) Something else. I can tell this is out of character. Something so simple can really make a reader confused on what the character's traits are. The way I see her, she'd probably dwell on it a bit more and would probably try to ask the guy where to go or just stare at him and then turn around and knock into the kid.
(5) Collided would be a better word.
A guy like Riku wouldn't dwell on something as dumb as his hand brushing on another hand. He has shit to do.
This part needs some work.
something like
Normally, something as simple as his hand brushing on another while walking through the hall way, it doesn't faze him. But, for some reason, he turned around this time.
Say a instead of the. Works a hell of a lot better.
(1) Unnatural. Suck at what? D: Just say "because you don't do anything but goof off. the teachers reward you with Fs" or something.
(2) Unnatural. Sounds really dumb coming out of Sora.
(3) Kairi was never introduced so it's awkward.
(1) DOESN'T MATTER. Around the same age fixes everything.
(2) A couple things. One, "their". Two, this could be its own sentence.
(3) Repetition. At the very least, try not to start every sentence with the same word. I try to avoid using the same first word in every paragraph. The next paragraph, sure, but even so, if you repeat it too much it just seems like you have a bad vocabulary. In this instance, just use different things to refer to him.
(4) A better description than the first description dump but yeah. Better timed than the last one, too.
(1) This is where we would see that "oh, she's really shy."
(2) So unnatural it hurts. "I don't think I've seen you here before..."
(3) Not shy.
(4) This is high school... and he's her age. So a teenager. Unnatural~.
I'm going to stop here for now just because this alone is a huge post. If you want me to do more of the first chapter, I'll be happy to.
You need to work on your dialogue and structure a bit. There was a handful of typos but that's easily fixed.
Dialogue could be fixed by people watching. School is an awesome place to do this because people don't think you can hear them but you can. Building a story off of what you hear is sometimes fun. Restaurants and cafes are good too. You can sit there just making up conversations and stories off of what you see.
Structure, well, that's up to you.
Typos can be solved by just having someone look over it before posting it. I remember making like, 10 people peer edit my old fanfic back in the day. Multiple times, too... but that's just because I'm a total bitch. :3
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Is that really necissary!? Holy crap, it's a good story, I"m sure everyone can overlook all the typos and stuff so long as we get the general idea of what's going on.
You're writings okay as it is Peach, don't let Annoyance drag you down.
You're writings okay as it is Peach, don't let Annoyance drag you down.
I haven't read all the story yet. It's decent, I guess. Nothing TOO special so far.
Peach needs some improvement. A lot of it. She has time, she can improve.
It's just a critique. Not a "let's make this writer cry".
I'm not even done with the entire critique of the first chapter either.
And it does matter. Sure, typos can be overlooked, but it can make a reader get turned off instantly. If you have typo after typo, you're not going to have that much fun reading it. Plus, it just makes the author look bad.
If you just write down a bunch of bullshit but are still able to get the gist of what's going on, it's still a bunch of bullshit on paper. It's an author's job to make it flow and work. Poets aren't the only ones who can use flow.
Critiques like mine are things that some writers BEG for. Just having a bunch of friends saying "IT'S SO GOOD." doesn't get a writer anywhere and in the future, makes them look dumb because they've been going their whole life doing the same exact mistakes over and over. If no one catches it, it never changes.
And here we have a perfectly good example of why I don't critique as much as I used to.
This is also sort of the reason I don't like critiquing in the fanfiction section in general. This shit happens and it pisses the shit out of me.
God.
That just ticks me off. As a writer and someone who actually bothers to give people critique on their work, this REALLY pisses me off.
You can turn a short sentence of a duck swimming across a pond into a story.
or
He's still swimming across the pond. He's just doing it with more detail.
I'm trying to help Peach become a good writer. And don't play a "she's young" card. Exactly. Even more room to improve. As she goes through school, she'll now know these skills as a writer and become just a bit greater.
If you ask me, that's a good thing.
I keep editing this trying to prove a point but okay.
Say all I said was "it needs work. it isn't that good."
wouldn't you like to know why I say this? what needs work? to you it may look fine, but to others it may not. you'd want a story to be good, right? so you ask me.
"i don't know. it just isn't good." isn't that great of an answer when you're looking for a solid one with reason.
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*Sigh* Okay, Annoyance I don't wanna make an enemy outta you. I'm a writer myself, I have a story in the Creative Wretching section. Go ahead and check it out if you want.
As a writer I like to get tips every now and then so I can improve my writing, but what really pisses me off is when somone goes through the whole chapter and points out every little mistake. It's like they're telling me I'm failing and their just rubbing salt in the wound.
Peach is young so she can learn but you don't have to point out every mistake, just give her friendly tips.
As a writer I like to get tips every now and then so I can improve my writing, but what really pisses me off is when somone goes through the whole chapter and points out every little mistake. It's like they're telling me I'm failing and their just rubbing salt in the wound.
Peach is young so she can learn but you don't have to point out every mistake, just give her friendly tips.
Thank you for understanding. I'm sure I'll have time next week, and thank you all for waiting.
I do that because then she realizes where she made the mistake so she can fix it. That's all. If you read what I gave her, I DID give her friendly tips while pointing out the mistake.
Edit: Oh, and I'll check out your story I suppose. .-. Expect the same thing~.
i haven't read your story, but:
she's my age. if i were her, i'd be more than honored to have someone critique me like that. it helps so much in writing. if you don't accept critique, then you clearly won't make it in the author's world. you can just stop writing if you don't want annoyance's help.
Coldman9, Annoyance is just giving constructive criticism in order to aid Glos-Peach in her future writing. Honest, constructive criticism. Annoyance is not saying anything malicious toward the story. If anything, her criticism should be respected, as it is better than a good number of the posts, such as your post on the previous page saying "Lol, that was good. I like where this is going", I see (and make me loathe) the art sections on this site at times. Annoyance is trying to improve Glos-Peach's wrting by giving her tips in order to make her writing better. I know as a writer, I appreciate getting feedback on what I can improve rather than a friend saying it was good in order to keep my spirits up.
Aside from the the easily overlooked typos, the story is prett good.
My only request:
Please, no AkuRoku. I would like to see how this goes, but I don't think I'll be able to stomache yaoi to get there...
Sorry if you're fond of that, but if you are thinking of REALLY putting that in there, tell me now, please.
My only request:
Please, no AkuRoku. I would like to see how this goes, but I don't think I'll be able to stomache yaoi to get there...
Sorry if you're fond of that, but if you are thinking of REALLY putting that in there, tell me now, please.
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