Why do people date jerks?

[Peeper]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

So your point is that it sucks for guys when a woman doesn't want them? Protip: no-one finds every person they know sexually attractive. Everyone has friends of the opposite sex that they aren't interested in romantically. Bitching about it is kind of pathetic. Just being a good friend doesn't automatically entitle you to a woman's interest, or make her a heartless bitch if she doesn't happen to requite your love.

Oh my god, you are completely missing the point.

There is no 'bitching' being done, it's just a simple fact of life. The simple fact being, that it's a very unpleasant experience for alot of guys to get told no and watch another person who doesn't even care about their lady friend (and may treat her like crap) get the girl that they like.

It's upsetting, it's not fair, and there is nothing wrong in stating that. Just because things aren't supposed to be fair, doesn't mean that a person can't express otherwise.

Choosing a mate includes sexual attraction, yes. However, that isn't the only factor, and turning down someone who may be good for you without ever even trying at a relationship just because they aren't pretty, is shallow. That is why that is stupid.

They both amount to one guy who is disappointed, both amount to a certain degree of ignorance, and a certain degree of simple mindedness.

Likewise dating someone with which sexual attraction is your only real reason to being with them, is also shallow. Intimacy is only a part of establishing a healthy relationship.

Stop taking things out of context. :|

 

[krexia]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

The simple fact being, that it's a very unpleasant experience for alot of guys to get told no and watch another person who doesn't even care about their lady friend (and may treat her like crap) get the girl that they like. It's upsetting, it's not fair, and there is nothing wrong in stating that. Just because things aren't supposed to be fair, doesn't mean that a person can't express otherwise.

What, you think it's not upsetting or unfair for girls to be told by guys that they're "just a friend" while the guy goes off to fuck some brainless bimbo? This one swings both ways mate; shallow people come with all kinds of genitalia.

...turning down someone who may be good for you without ever even trying at a relationship just because they aren't pretty, is shallow.

Trying to have a relationship with someone you feel zero attraction for just because they'd be "good for you" is equally stupid. I have a friend who tried to make a relationship like that work. She got married to her childhood sweetheart, a wonderful guy who was her best friend, and because she was never sexually attracted to him she ended up with terrible insecurities about her own inability to become sexually aroused. Five years later after they finally split up she realised that the problem wasn't her, it was that she just hadn't been attracted to this particular man.

I have some fantastic friends who, if I were attracted to, I would date in an instant. But for whatever reason, the chemistry isn't there. (One kissed me a few weeks ago and it was the most awkward kiss of my life.) If attraction simply isn't there, then how wonderful and good and kind a person is becomes completely irrelevant. Sure that hurts, but saying it's the result of nothing more than "shallowness" is naive and simplistic.

 

[Peeper]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

What, you think it's not upsetting or unfair for girls to be told by guys that they're "just a friend" while the guy goes off to fuck some brainless bimbo? This one swings both ways mate; shallow people come with all kinds of genitalia.

Dude, I'm a chick. Of course I freaking know. I've had guys and girls tell me that they didn't want me because I'm fat.

Wait....you thought I was a guy didn't you? xD

No no, sweetheart, no. I'm a female. I'm just very butch. xD

Besides, this thread was supposed to be just about women. I had no intention of causing a battle of the sexes. The actions of stupid women whom I associate with were just a boost to start this discussion.

Trying to have a relationship with someone you feel zero attraction for just because they'd be "good for you" is equally stupid. I have a friend who tried to make a relationship like that work. She got married to her childhood sweetheart, a wonderful guy who was her best friend, and because she was never sexually attracted to him she ended up with terrible insecurities about her own inability to become sexually aroused. Five years later after they finally split up she realised that the problem wasn't her, it was that she just hadn't been attracted to this particular man.

We'll agree to disagree then.

That's different, I'm just saying that you should at least try to make a chance at it. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out, but turning down someone outright is incredibly shallow.

I'm currently dating a girl who originally wouldn't go out with me because I'm overweight. However after a few years of bad luck with guys, and me spending those same few years helping her through it, we're together. She still thinks I'm fat, but we've worked past it. There are things about her that I don't like either.

Making the effort is all anyone can ask for. You may be pleasantly surprised.

I have some fantastic friends who, if I were attracted to, I would date in an instant. But for whatever reason, the chemistry isn't there. (One kissed me a few weeks ago and it was the most awkward kiss of my life.) If attraction simply isn't there, then how wonderful and good and kind a person is becomes completely irrelevant. Sure that hurts, but saying it's the result of nothing more than "shallowness" is naive and simplistic.

You tested the waters, so to speak, and you made your discovery. I'm talking about chicks who turn down a guy without ever even attempting physical contact. How would they know if they never really tried to do anything?

 

[Chrono Mizaki]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

I argue with my girlfriend for the fun of it too. There's a line between competitive arguing for fun, and arguing with the intent to do damage though.

Dude, I'm a chick. Of course I freaking know. I've had guys and girls tell me that they didn't want me because I'm fat.

Wait....you thought I was a guy didn't you? xD

No no, sweetheart, no. I'm a female. I'm just very butch. xD

Oh wow, awesome. Lesbian <3

Ahem. I wanted to point that out.

 

[xHiddenMemories]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

Reminds me of how my ex treated me..
And instead he told ME I was treating HIM like shit...Bull
I finally broke up with him like 3 weeks ago...

 

[krexia]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

Wait....you thought I was a guy didn't you? xD

Mate, I don't care either way. I was responding purely to your arguments. It's intellectually dishonest to imply that only women care about sexual attraction in relationships, or that only women can be shallow.

That's different, I'm just saying that you should at least try to make a chance at it.

I think it's not only unnecessary but outright cruel to lead someone on when you know you have zero interest in them. I think it's a horrible thing to make them think they have a chance and then turn around and admit you never really wanted them. I'd much rather a person tell me outright if they're not interested than string me along "just in case" something develops.

If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out, but turning down someone outright is incredibly shallow.

Hang on, we're not talking about turning down strangers based on physical appearance here. We're talking about friends. Turning down someone you don't know because you don't like the way they look is shallow. Turning down a friend is an informed decision based on more than sufficient knowledge about your potential compatibility.

You tested the waters, so to speak, and you made your discovery. I'm talking about chicks who turn down a guy without ever even attempting physical contact. How would they know if they never really tried to do anything?

I'd rejected him many times before over the 7 years since I first met him, and knew I had no interest in him. He kissed me while I was drunk; I didn't want him to, didn't enjoy it, and told him to back off.

I don't understand how a person can not know whether or not they're interested in someone. Again, we're talking about friends here, people you know inside out, more than well enough to recognise whether or not you have any kind of chemistry. Just because I haven't tried kissing someone doesn't mean I can't tell whether I want a relationship with them.

 

[Peeper]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

Mate, I don't care either way. I was responding purely to your arguments. It's intellectually dishonest to imply that only women care about sexual attraction in relationships, or that only women can be shallow.

You seem to care very much. It's almost as if you have some vendetta against me for some unknown reason. Just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean I'm going to stand by and defend every stupid thing I see women do.

Besides, this thread was supposed to be just about women. I had no intention of causing a battle of the sexes. The actions of stupid women whom I associate with were just a boost to start this discussion.

I think it is absolutely hilarious, how you completely skipped over that.

If you want to make this a finger pointing contest, go for it. This whole thread's purpose was to focus on women, because I have more contact with stupid women. You can make a thread for guys if you want, but don't get on my case or anyone else's about sexism in a thread directed towards one side of the subject.

Again we'll agree to disagree.

I don't understand how a person can not know whether or not they're interested in someone. Again, we're talking about friends here, people you know inside out, more than well enough to recognise whether or not you have any kind of chemistry. Just because I haven't tried kissing someone doesn't mean I can't tell whether I want a relationship with them.

Because sometimes you just don't. I don't know what you're like, or how you respond to things, but when I was growing up I had to take the best of what was handed to me. I dated a few people who I wasn't attracted to at first, but grew to really enjoy being around, and maybe even loved. Some people just don't know straight off. In fact it's pretty common for something like that to develop and build before you even notice it.

It works the other way around too. You start seeing someone that you find amazing and beautiful, then one day you wake up and think, why am I with this cow? It's why husbands and wives cheat, and relationships crumble.

I find a person's personality sexy as well. You have to consider that too. Some people's idea of beauty isn't so cut and dry as most would lead you to think.

You're only on one side of the spectrum. You can't expect everyone's situation to be exactly like yours or everyone to follow your train of logic.

So again, stop taking things out of context. You're taking this far to personally.

 

[BriFTW]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

i gave up on girls a long time ago because of this. i dont like either of the sexes at the moment

 

[krexia]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

You seem to care very much. It's almost as if you have some vendetta against me for some unknown reason. Just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean I'm going to stand by and defend every stupid thing I see women do.

I'm not asking you to - I'm wondering why you're generalising only about women when your issues obviously apply equally to both sexes. Again, stupid shallow people come with all kinds of genitalia.

If you want to make this a finger pointing contest, go for it. This whole thread's purpose was to focus on women, because I have more contact with stupid women.

Well then, in answer to your original question, stupid, shallow women date men who are bad for them for the same reason that stupid, shallow men date women who are bad for them: because they're stupid and shallow. Given that in terms of dating choices the intra-group differences between men and women are vastly greater than the inter-group differences, I don't know what you hope to achieve by restricting the discussion to one sex alone.

...when I was growing up I had to take the best of what was handed to me. I dated a few people who I wasn't attracted to at first, but grew to really enjoy being around, and maybe even loved. Some people just don't know straight off. In fact it's pretty common for something like that to develop and build before you even notice it.

Oh I've absolutely fallen in love with people I wasn't at all attracted to when I first met them. And vice-versa: I've realised that people I initially found attractive were people I'm not at all compatible with. But again, we're talking here specifically about friends - about people you have gotten to know. I absolutely agree that rejecting someone you barely know is stupid, and that attraction is more than purely physical. But the "friend zone" applies only to people you do know, by definition. And once you do know someone as a friend you have more than enough knowledge to recognise whether or not there's potential for something more.

Which is why, as I said earlier, I only ever date people that I've already gotten to know as friends. Until that time, I don't feel I know them well enough to make a decision.

 

[shrekdog]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

Why do you even care? If you've automatically come to the conclusion that said girl is dating a jerk who treats her like shit, what do you care? Would that be the type of girl you'd want to be with? Someone who enjoys being treated like shit?

Grow up. As long as you're dwelling on all the people who are already in relationships, you're missing out on all the interesting single people out there. Your life is not a rom-com/twilight.

 

[Vossler]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

Why do you even care? If you've automatically come to the conclusion that said girl is dating a jerk who treats her like shit, what do you care? Would that be the type of girl you'd want to be with? Someone who enjoys being treated like shit?

Grow up. As long as you're dwelling on all the people who are already in relationships, you're missing out on all the interesting single people out there. Your life is not a rom-com/twilight.

He does have some good points, she's taken, just deal. I am sure there is someone else out there for you that would in all be better for you. I mean like scarecrow said, why would you want to be with someone who likes to be treated bad(in a kinky sort of way that isn't all that bad.) and likes those kinds of guys. If that isn't you then just go find someone else, I am sure they would be a lot better for you.

 

[Peeper]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

I'm not asking you to - I'm wondering why you're generalising only about women when your issues obviously apply equally to both sexes. Again, stupid shallow people come with all kinds of genitalia.

Because for the upteenth time, this thread is about women. I don't know how much clearer anyone can spell that out for you.

I've never met a guy who does this. I know that it happens, but I have no situations to speak of. So why, would I give an opinion of something which I have never had any direct contact with? How would I be able to give any real insight? I wouldn't, since my experience focuses on women. So of course my attitude and experience is going to reflect only women.

Given that in terms of dating choices the intra-group differences between men and women are vastly greater than the inter-group differences, I don't know what you hope to achieve by restricting the discussion to one sex alone.

You know what, fine. I changed the name of the thread, you can stop whining now.

God forbid anyone not be politically correct.

I'm sure you've got much more to say to me, about what a horrible biased person that I am, but you have completely sucked the fun out of this for me. I'm going to take a step out of this one for a while.

 

[stephaknee]

I've never met a guy who does this. I know that it happens, but I have no situations to speak of. So why, would I give an opinion of something which I have never had any direct contact with? How would I be able to give any real insight? I wouldn't, since my experience focuses on women. So of course my attitude and experience is going to reflect only women.

It's funny, for the last five years or so I have been friends almost exclusively with males. Occasionally, they had girlfriends. Most of these girlfriends were controlling, jealous bitches. And my friends were absolutely whipped. And I'm sure they complained to their friends what assholes my friends were when they didn't do everything they demanded.

I'm sure they didn't seem like cuntbags when they first started dating. When the relationship started going downhill, they were already emotionally dependent on their partner. I'm sure the same can be said for the women you're referring to. Women also experience low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression more than men. Maybe they feel that these assholes are all they can get. Maybe they feel they deserve the abuse.

 

[krexia]

Re: Why do chicks date jerks?

Because for the upteenth time, this thread is about women.

And for the umpteenth time, I was asking why this thread is about women. Because again, the intra-group differences between men and women are vastly greater than the inter-group differences, and based on that fact alone it's nonsensical to imply that bad relationship decisions are primarily a result of a person's sex.

You asked why women date jerks, and my response is that there is no particular reason why women in particular date jerks, any more than there's a reason why men in particular do. People of both sexes make bad relationship decisions because of their individual flaws, and when it comes to abusive relationships, the specific flaws involved are issues of low self-esteem, emotional dependency, etc, exacerbated and perpetuated by cycles of abuse.

 

[XjXsOlJa]

Well, I'm not going to lie.
I'm one of those jerks.
Ahaha.
But not really.
I just make fun of the girl a lot.
But its all in a playful manner.
Other than that, I treat her with respect.

 

[Silfarion]

Have no freak'n idea what's going on here, because I've never seen anyone dating like this. If something like this happened in Indonesia, they'd break up that instant. No way anyone will date some crazy bull crap. Dunno, maybe it's racial difference (not being racist here, just my opinion on how this works).

 

[Vossler]

Well, I'm not going to lie.
I'm one of those jerks.
Ahaha.
But not really.
I just make fun of the girl a lot.
But its all in a playful manner.
Other than that, I treat her with respect.

Hell I do that with my girl all the time. I once left her outside when it was raining. Someone explain to me what a cuntbag is? I would love to know.

 

[Johnny Stooge]

Someone explain to me what a cuntbag is? I would love to know.

Just take a look in the mirror.

 

[Alexandra91]

Because they really can't control how they feel. Nobody can. If they really feel something for someone, they'll stay with them, even if they are jerks.

 

[Turn]

'Cause they're hawt. :I

But seriously, it is usually a psychological/self-esteem thing. Sometimes they start out that way and sometimes Jerk Boyfriend simply conditions them. And then there's the whole Depressed People Don't Really Want To Stop Being Depressed thing.

Also, this is hardly exclusive to women.