The Nemesian Tales - the Tale of the Wolf



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halfmango

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Hi, so I've been writing fantasy stories for a long time, but I've NEVER actually showed them to anyone (...). I was hoping I would take this chance to be criti... critiqued... criticized? Whatever.
Thanks in advance!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UA_F0IV__Bmwhh2KfUwlXO61XWnFyRTZK4kc64rE2EU/edit?usp=sharing
Thank you very much for reading my story! I appreciate (and encourage) any comment, so please feel free to do so in both here and in google docs!

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KingdomKey

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Honestly, I don't have anything to critique as far as grammar goes. I know someone else with more expertise, who might be able to point out some mistakes. To me, it's flawless. The story itself is out of this world engaging to read in. I really enjoyed the teacher's enthusiasm about Nemesis and Binding. And the fact that she cares a lot about teaching her students in the ways of magic in a more fun way. I imagine she's young. And I really like her brother, because he cares about her safety. I really can't wait to read part two, which I'll be doing shortly. :)

Edit: I read the rest on your google docs. I wish there was more because, this is incredible. I think you may need to change a word or two in your google docs, but the rest of it was amazing and outstanding to read. I really hope this journey Felicia and Fenrir take won't lead to their potential deaths. However, I imagine more trouble will arise if Hyacinth was frightened by what he seen, Tena will be the same. I also like the backstory we got, cause it was put in the right moment too. You should get this published, you know? :)
 
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halfmango

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Hey, thanks for your comment! I didn't expect it to be so positive, lol.
I am planning on putting up the rest up here, little by little. Do you think it would be better to keep it in the google docs and update it, or actually post the fragments up here?
 

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Hey, thanks for your comment! I didn't expect it to be so positive, lol.
I am planning on putting up the rest up here, little by little. Do you think it would be better to keep it in the google docs and update it, or actually post the fragments up here?
Your welcome!
That's great to hear because, I look forward to reading more of it! You can update it through google docs if it's more convenient for you. Just let me know when you update it, so I can comment about it. xD Otherwise, if you post the fragments, I'm sure a few people will check it out every once in awhile to read it. I don't know if they'll comment besides myself, but it's worth a shot.
 

halfmango

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Your welcome!
That's great to hear because, I look forward to reading more of it! You can update it through google docs if it's more convenient for you. Just let me know when you update it, so I can comment about it. xD Otherwise, if you post the fragments, I'm sure a few people will check it out every once in awhile to read it. I don't know if they'll comment besides myself, but it's worth a shot.
You know what? I guess I'll just update BOTH OF THEM. There, simple enough. BTW, chapter 3 is up, so you can check it out whever you want ;)
Aaaand here's a part of chapter 2, for those people who for some inevitable reason can't use google docs or just can't be bothered to.
Enjoy.
EDIT: so, chapter 4 is up on google docs. And I'm gonna try out something and put up a whole chapter in a single post (a chapter from my story is pretty long). I honestly didn't wan't everyone's screens from exploding from scrolls-overload, but if it's fine then I guess I'll put up a chapter for each post. Anyhow, enjoy folks! And as usual, please feel free to comment if you see something weird or wrong or just meh.

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KingdomKey

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Chapter 3.

Wow. I didn't anticipate this at all. What really astonishes me is the fact, a full grown woman full of confidence, can change so much from a Binding gone wrong. I feel like Felicia is a lot more self conscious now after getting used to her new body. Fenrir helping her along the way has been a great pleasure to read because, I like how he can help her scent something so simple as blood or a camp fire. I feel greatly attached to Fenrir right now. He's helped Felicia a lot more than I expected him to and the journey to Nemea is an exciting one to say the least. To add further, I'm curious about what the dream could mean. I imagine it's more like a vision unless a Nemesis is more than what they seem?

I know you've updated with chapter 4 on your google docs, but it'll have to wait till tomorrow for me to read. Considering it's nearly three in the morning where I am. xD
 

halfmango

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Chapter 3.

Wow. I didn't anticipate this at all. What really astonishes me is the fact, a full grown woman full of confidence, can change so much from a Binding gone wrong. I feel like Felicia is a lot more self conscious now after getting used to her new body. Fenrir helping her along the way has been a great pleasure to read because, I like how he can help her scent something so simple as blood or a camp fire. I feel greatly attached to Fenrir right now. He's helped Felicia a lot more than I expected him to and the journey to Nemea is an exciting one to say the least. To add further, I'm curious about what the dream could mean. I imagine it's more like a vision unless a Nemesis is more than what they seem?

I know you've updated with chapter 4 on your google docs, but it'll have to wait till tomorrow for me to read. Considering it's nearly three in the morning where I am. xD
It's fine, take your time. You're like the only 'visible' audience I have at the moment, but well, lol. I know there are people reading this (viewcount, rise! RISE!).
Aaaaand I just realized the awesome function of spoilers. I could just use this lol.
I'll probably post 1 chapter per day. Dunno, we'll have to see how this progresses (and my editing speed, cuz at the moment the draft I have is HARD COPY. Madness.)
Chapter 3 for those who can't google doc (are there even people like that? Dunno). Anyhow, enjoy!
And thanks again for reading! Comments/criticique(?) welcome!

EDIT: Almost doomed myself by posting chapter 4 here XD sorry everyone, that's not it. Sorry people!

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KingdomKey

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

I finally read chapter 4.

Oh my gosh, Hyacinth is insane or a genius. I suppose using Felicia is his plan in order to stop the abominations from getting loose and killing everyone in sight. I wonder how that'll go because, Felicia might stay like that by the time he arrives with her body changing with Fenrir. It'd be a neat idea as long as the other Nemesis don't kill her first. The fight was certainly intense, and I like how Gregor came to his senses after seeing Hyacinth do something about his dying men. Too bad Hyacinth lost his arm though. Overall, I greatly enjoyed reading this. :D

---

I'm happy to hear you found a good use for the spoiler boxes around here!
 

halfmango

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

I finally read chapter 4.

Oh my gosh, Hyacinth is insane or a genius. I suppose using Felicia is his plan in order to stop the abominations from getting loose and killing everyone in sight. I wonder how that'll go because, Felicia might stay like that by the time he arrives with her body changing with Fenrir. It'd be a neat idea as long as the other Nemesis don't kill her first. The fight was certainly intense, and I like how Gregor came to his senses after seeing Hyacinth do something about his dying men. Too bad Hyacinth lost his arm though. Overall, I greatly enjoyed reading this. :D

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I'm happy to hear you found a good use for the spoiler boxes around here!
As usual, thank you for reading it! I hope it'll satisfy you (and every other readers) until the end.
As a treat, have chapter 5!
I would comment about the story but... well, spoilers aren't any fun, are they? And it would be pretty stupid if the author spoiler his own story :p Though if you would like to ask about a certain setting, please do so. I'll do my best to answer it, within the boundaries of spoiler-free.

And for the rest of the people, here's chapter 4! Hope you enjoy it.
EDIT: so this one was a 'relatively' short chapter. So time for chapter 5. And I honestly didn't want to double post, lol.

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KingdomKey

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Your welcome! It's a pleasure to read it, halfmango. :)

Chapter 5.

You're excellent at world building. I could easily immerse myself into the story after learning more about Felicia and Hyacinth's world. I like how each city has a special purpose inside of the kingdom itself. I'm so glad Tena actually helps try to solve Felicia and Fenrir's problem because, I've read so many stories where the expert can't help at all, or doesn't do anything to actually try to fix it. Too bad they can't be separated yet. And oh boy, a syringe so big. Scary. And I'm getting the feeling Fenrir isn't an ordinary Nemesis because, his dreams are rather odd. And will Felicia end up becoming a wolf at some point? I know I should ask you all this in a PM later. And my oh my, I love Tena. <3 She's so awesome!

And I'll get to chapter 6 sometime tonight!

EDIT: Chapter 6.

Oh my gosh. Fenrir throwing Tena in the air was hilarious. It finally taught her lesson to keep messing with the pair of them. What really astounds me is how well Fenrir and Felicia work together. I imagine Fenrir has gotten more used to being in Felicia's body in order to fight like that and avoid attacks. Apart of me wants these two to stick together because, they've become a lot more like a team over time. I wonder what'll be revealed in the folders they've collected?

And aw, do you need help in bouncing ideas around? I'm not entirely sure what "low on stockpile" means per se. I'm still loving every bit of this story though. <3
 
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halfmango

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Your welcome! It's a pleasure to read it, halfmango. :)

Chapter 5.

You're excellent at world building. I could easily immerse myself into the story after learning more about Felicia and Hyacinth's world. I like how each city has a special purpose inside of the kingdom itself. I'm so glad Tena actually helps try to solve Felicia and Fenrir's problem because, I've read so many stories where the expert can't help at all, or doesn't do anything to actually try to fix it. Too bad they can't be separated yet. And oh boy, a syringe so big. Scary. And I'm getting the feeling Fenrir isn't an ordinary Nemesis because, his dreams are rather odd. And will Felicia end up becoming a wolf at some point? I know I should ask you all this in a PM later. And my oh my, I love Tena. <3 She's so awesome!

And I'll get to chapter 6 sometime tonight!

EDIT: Chapter 6.

Oh my gosh. Fenrir throwing Tena in the air was hilarious. It finally taught her lesson to keep messing with the pair of them. What really astounds me is how well Fenrir and Felicia work together. I imagine Fenrir has gotten more used to being in Felicia's body in order to fight like that and avoid attacks. Apart of me wants these two to stick together because, they've become a lot more like a team over time. I wonder what'll be revealed in the folders they've collected?

And aw, do you need help in bouncing ideas around? I'm not entirely sure what "low on stockpile" means per se. I'm still loving every bit of this story though. <3
Thank you! Well, I'l not running low on ideas per se. In fact, I have the story complete about 80~90%. The problem is, it is in HARD COPY or IN MY HEAD. And considering writing stories isn't something I do to make living out of, I can't spend too much time typing it down :p. Not the mention the fact that I go over the stuff I made several times before actually putting it up. But it's weekend, so I'll try to get as much done as possible.
And if you have questions, please ask away either here or by PM. I'll make sure my answers be spoiler-free, even if the question is spoiler-tastic.
Chapter 7 on google docs and 6 here will come up within the day, so hang tight people.
EDIT: as promised, chapter 6 here, and 7 is up on google docs. Hope you like it!

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KingdomKey

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Chapter 7.

Well now, this has gotten a lot more dramatic! I'm really happy Cena was thankful for being saved by Felicia, even if he was choked almost to death by her unintentionally. And Felicia certainly doesn't have it any easier. I wonder what she'll find in her home town. I kind of feel bad for Hyacinth being interrogated like that; although I'm impressed he managed to avoid being arrested entirely, and could worm his way out of that one. I do feel bad about him losing his partner because, I don't like him feeling ashamed of it. Things like that can't be helped. And furthermore, damn, those Watchers are going to follow him till he leads them right to Felicia and Fenrir. I do like Tena being there in the nick of time to prevent any more deaths done by Felicia though.

Your welcome, halfmango! You don't have to keep thanking me btw! Like I said before, it's a great pleasure to read this! And I should be thanking you for posting this on KHI too! Or even sharing your story to begin with! And I understand not being able to write all of the time because of real life and ect. So no pressure there.
 

halfmango

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Chapter 7.

Well now, this has gotten a lot more dramatic! I'm really happy Cena was thankful for being saved by Felicia, even if he was choked almost to death by her unintentionally. And Felicia certainly doesn't have it any easier. I wonder what she'll find in her home town. I kind of feel bad for Hyacinth being interrogated like that; although I'm impressed he managed to avoid being arrested entirely, and could worm his way out of that one. I do feel bad about him losing his partner because, I don't like him feeling ashamed of it. Things like that can't be helped. And furthermore, damn, those Watchers are going to follow him till he leads them right to Felicia and Fenrir. I do like Tena being there in the nick of time to prevent any more deaths done by Felicia though.

Your welcome, halfmango! You don't have to keep thanking me btw! Like I said before, it's a great pleasure to read this! And I should be thanking you for posting this on KHI too! Or even sharing your story to begin with! And I understand not being able to write all of the time because of real life and ect. So no pressure there.
No, the pleasure is all mine. It would be nice if I could hear comments from more people, but just having some people to read my story is already a great pleasure. And with the story starting to slowly build up, chapter 8 is upon google docs and here is 7 for everyone else.
Again, great deal of thanks to all the peopel who read my story! Special thanks to Kitkat for always following up with me ;)
It would be REALLY nice if there were some more people to tell me about my story, especially the negative parts. It's hard to tell my own mistakes, really :(

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Chapter 8.

I felt my mouth drop at the reveal of what Nemesis really are. This became a much bigger picture in the grand scheme of things. Yujin is a familiar name, except I can't place who that is at the moment. I'll have to read it again to figure out who he is to Felicia. And I imagine the tower Gregor was fighting in has to do with the Nemesis too. I do feel bad for Vain being betrayed. And it was really cool seeing Felicia handle combat relatively well against a monkey and cat Nemesians. I wonder what they'll do now?

Aw, thanks for the special shout out! <3 And it's okay if you have to slow down on updating your story. :)
 

halfmango

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Chapter 8.

I felt my mouth drop at the reveal of what Nemesis really are. This became a much bigger picture in the grand scheme of things. Yujin is a familiar name, except I can't place who that is at the moment. I'll have to read it again to figure out who he is to Felicia. And I imagine the tower Gregor was fighting in has to do with the Nemesis too. I do feel bad for Vain being betrayed. And it was really cool seeing Felicia handle combat relatively well against a monkey and cat Nemesians. I wonder what they'll do now?

Aw, thanks for the special shout out! <3 And it's okay if you have to slow down on updating your story. :)
Drat, he's one of the few people that you SHOULDN'T forget about. Let me give you a hint: chapter 2. Chapter 2 was a very, very important chapter, so I highly recommend you to go and read it again ;)
 

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Drat, he's one of the few people that you SHOULDN'T forget about. Let me give you a hint: chapter 2. Chapter 2 was a very, very important chapter, so I highly recommend you to go and read it again ;)
oh my gosh, it's Felicia's and Hyancith's father! :O Whoa, I feel blown away. I feel like this was fate!
 

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Alright, chapter 9 should be up on google docs, and I'm putting up chapter 8 here. HOWEVER, a word of notice.

First of all, thank you all sooo much for reading my story. Though I only have one person to comment about it(...), it's still an enormous pleasure to see the viewcount of this thread rise immediately when I put up a new chapter. So thank you! Its pleasure is far beyond words I can fabricate.

Second, as we are moving on to the climaxes of this story, I have (at the very least, attempted to) put many different hints throughout the story that lead to the next chapters. As such, to fully enjoy the upcoming chapters, I recommend the readers to read from the beginning once more and try to remember the details. Hopefully, if I did it right, then the details will all build up to the several important events in the upcoming chapters.
Anyhow, without further ado, here's chapter 8 for the forumers.


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KingdomKey

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Chapter 9.

I wasn't expecting Fenrir to run off with Felicia's body. I suppose remembering what happened as a human would lead to this. I kind of feel bad for Fenrir/Yujin going through his painful past again. It still came to a shock to think Fenrir wouldn't let himself care too much about what became of Felicia after they separated. I am curious what he still has to tell her. Or if he even has a body of his own to return to. (It's been on my mind lately.) And I feel bad for Hyancith having to deal with the amount of confusion going on, and being blown off afterwards, when he needs help for Gregor. And Felicia, I wonder if she'll be alright being inside that orb with her memories and younger self? I still love Tena though. Such a big sis to Hyancith<3

And you're right. I'll definitely have to read this from the beginning again, so I don't miss anything important!
 

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Ok. So I've got chapter 10 up, and 9 is here as well for the forumers. Sorry 9 and 10 are somewhat short. I'm preparing a rollercoaster to the climax, so hope you people will hang in there even if things get a bit slow at this point ;)
Anyhow, thank you all for reading, and enjoy!

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Re: Yet to be named; a piece of a terribly long tale

Chapter 10.

I'm straight up in denial right now. You stomped right on my heart. It hurts knowing Hyancith is dead after buying enough time for Tena to escape with Felicia. I didn't think the protagonist own brother would end up dying for his own sister. I thought it'd be a happier ending... so much for that, huh? And I'm proud of Tena for figuring it out, and keeping it together, when she told Felicia what happened. I just feel so bad for the both of them for losing Hyancith. I suppose the Tower won't be defended any time soon unless you're planning on continuing this story further? You keep mentioning a climax, so trying to prepare myself here. xD
 
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