Sorry if the people that know me in this forum think I disappeared for a while. I've been through hell.
Now, straight to the point. This is a confession. Might as well be honest.
I am schizophrenic.
Read that right? Good. Glad you did.
I've been schizophrenic since I was about 5 or 6, when I stabbed my best friend out of blind rage with a pencil..several times. Ever since then, a voice has been in my head. At first, he rarely had an influence on me, and I ignored it. But when I was 8-9, it happened again. Only this time, my sister was the victim. I beat my sister up savagely, and after my anger passed, I felt so bad about it.
The only reason I can find for the source of my schizophrenia is probably physical abuse when I was a child, but moving on..
Fast forward to around now, or at least the past few weeks.
The voice was back with a vengeance. This time, it had evolved to the point where it was no longer a voice, but an entirely different personality. Call it 'evil' if you will, what dwells in the other half of my subconscious. But, I guess he possesses some qualities I wished he had. Such as the ability to speak without hesitation. He speaks with even more proper English than I do, and has quite the way with words. Poetically evil, I guess. And he wants me to become him. One day.
His influence has been so great to the point that he has even 'surfaced'. What do I mean with 'surfacing'? Basically, we switch places, if you will. He seems to have control over my body, and I'm left to become the voice in his head. And lately, he's been conspiring against my friends. My grip on things has become weaker and weaker, and I feel mentally weaker over him.
And then it happened.
As we were walking to my friend's house, it was happening. I quickly rushed into my friend's house and into his bathroom. He told me that he was going to surface, and when he did, he would hurt my friends. Unwilling to accept it, I started to bash my head into anything around me, causing a lot of ruckus. When my friends busted in, they found me lying on the floor, half conscious and mumbling 'It hurts' over and over again. Paranoia attack leading to self-injury via bashing head on solid objects. Woot.
A day later.
One of my friends after school told me haunting words. That I couldn't hang around with her or any of my friends. That I had to 'leave, and never come back'. She said that after yesterday, they were afraid of me. Afraid that I would do something horrible. Blaming all of this on him, I ran to my house in utter rage and sadness.
Wanting to get rid of him, I grabbed any alcoholic drink I could find in my house, and found like 5 bottles. I drank all of them non stop. I even forced myself to drink every last drop. Then I broke down and cried, for about 30 minutes straight.
After crawling to my bed weakly, I slept. And I had the most interesting dream. Most of it was a blur, but in the end, the dream allowed me what I thought was not possible; Redemption. It allowed me to forgive myself. And when I woke up, everything was silent. Which was probably the best thing I could hear. The voice, the personality was gone.
But now that I was 'cured'..was it really worth it?
My only friends left me because of my problems..now that they were gone, what am I to do?
What am I to do?
Believe me or not, it's your choice. To all of the believers; what can you say to help me in my situation?
Now, straight to the point. This is a confession. Might as well be honest.
I am schizophrenic.
Read that right? Good. Glad you did.
I've been schizophrenic since I was about 5 or 6, when I stabbed my best friend out of blind rage with a pencil..several times. Ever since then, a voice has been in my head. At first, he rarely had an influence on me, and I ignored it. But when I was 8-9, it happened again. Only this time, my sister was the victim. I beat my sister up savagely, and after my anger passed, I felt so bad about it.
The only reason I can find for the source of my schizophrenia is probably physical abuse when I was a child, but moving on..
Fast forward to around now, or at least the past few weeks.
The voice was back with a vengeance. This time, it had evolved to the point where it was no longer a voice, but an entirely different personality. Call it 'evil' if you will, what dwells in the other half of my subconscious. But, I guess he possesses some qualities I wished he had. Such as the ability to speak without hesitation. He speaks with even more proper English than I do, and has quite the way with words. Poetically evil, I guess. And he wants me to become him. One day.
His influence has been so great to the point that he has even 'surfaced'. What do I mean with 'surfacing'? Basically, we switch places, if you will. He seems to have control over my body, and I'm left to become the voice in his head. And lately, he's been conspiring against my friends. My grip on things has become weaker and weaker, and I feel mentally weaker over him.
And then it happened.
As we were walking to my friend's house, it was happening. I quickly rushed into my friend's house and into his bathroom. He told me that he was going to surface, and when he did, he would hurt my friends. Unwilling to accept it, I started to bash my head into anything around me, causing a lot of ruckus. When my friends busted in, they found me lying on the floor, half conscious and mumbling 'It hurts' over and over again. Paranoia attack leading to self-injury via bashing head on solid objects. Woot.
A day later.
One of my friends after school told me haunting words. That I couldn't hang around with her or any of my friends. That I had to 'leave, and never come back'. She said that after yesterday, they were afraid of me. Afraid that I would do something horrible. Blaming all of this on him, I ran to my house in utter rage and sadness.
Wanting to get rid of him, I grabbed any alcoholic drink I could find in my house, and found like 5 bottles. I drank all of them non stop. I even forced myself to drink every last drop. Then I broke down and cried, for about 30 minutes straight.
After crawling to my bed weakly, I slept. And I had the most interesting dream. Most of it was a blur, but in the end, the dream allowed me what I thought was not possible; Redemption. It allowed me to forgive myself. And when I woke up, everything was silent. Which was probably the best thing I could hear. The voice, the personality was gone.
But now that I was 'cured'..was it really worth it?
My only friends left me because of my problems..now that they were gone, what am I to do?
What am I to do?
Believe me or not, it's your choice. To all of the believers; what can you say to help me in my situation?
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