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Help/Support ► The Inner Workings of a Possible Madman.



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Nebula Zero

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Sorry if the people that know me in this forum think I disappeared for a while. I've been through hell.

Now, straight to the point. This is a confession. Might as well be honest.

I am schizophrenic.

Read that right? Good. Glad you did.


I've been schizophrenic since I was about 5 or 6, when I stabbed my best friend out of blind rage with a pencil..several times. Ever since then, a voice has been in my head. At first, he rarely had an influence on me, and I ignored it. But when I was 8-9, it happened again. Only this time, my sister was the victim. I beat my sister up savagely, and after my anger passed, I felt so bad about it.

The only reason I can find for the source of my schizophrenia is probably physical abuse when I was a child, but moving on..

Fast forward to around now, or at least the past few weeks.

The voice was back with a vengeance. This time, it had evolved to the point where it was no longer a voice, but an entirely different personality. Call it 'evil' if you will, what dwells in the other half of my subconscious. But, I guess he possesses some qualities I wished he had. Such as the ability to speak without hesitation. He speaks with even more proper English than I do, and has quite the way with words. Poetically evil, I guess. And he wants me to become him. One day.

His influence has been so great to the point that he has even 'surfaced'. What do I mean with 'surfacing'? Basically, we switch places, if you will. He seems to have control over my body, and I'm left to become the voice in his head. And lately, he's been conspiring against my friends. My grip on things has become weaker and weaker, and I feel mentally weaker over him.

And then it happened.

As we were walking to my friend's house, it was happening. I quickly rushed into my friend's house and into his bathroom. He told me that he was going to surface, and when he did, he would hurt my friends. Unwilling to accept it, I started to bash my head into anything around me, causing a lot of ruckus. When my friends busted in, they found me lying on the floor, half conscious and mumbling 'It hurts' over and over again. Paranoia attack leading to self-injury via bashing head on solid objects. Woot.

A day later.

One of my friends after school told me haunting words. That I couldn't hang around with her or any of my friends. That I had to 'leave, and never come back'. She said that after yesterday, they were afraid of me. Afraid that I would do something horrible. Blaming all of this on him, I ran to my house in utter rage and sadness.

Wanting to get rid of him, I grabbed any alcoholic drink I could find in my house, and found like 5 bottles. I drank all of them non stop. I even forced myself to drink every last drop. Then I broke down and cried, for about 30 minutes straight.

After crawling to my bed weakly, I slept. And I had the most interesting dream. Most of it was a blur, but in the end, the dream allowed me what I thought was not possible; Redemption. It allowed me to forgive myself. And when I woke up, everything was silent. Which was probably the best thing I could hear. The voice, the personality was gone.

But now that I was 'cured'..was it really worth it?

My only friends left me because of my problems..now that they were gone, what am I to do?

What am I to do?

Believe me or not, it's your choice. To all of the believers; what can you say to help me in my situation?
 
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quiteMAD

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If ..."friends" abandon you because you're acting strange, they were never your friends to begin with. If you want them back, try to get it through to them that you've cleared the hump and are a better person for it. If you don't think they'll believe you're a skitzo, blur it up a bit. Tell them you just weren't in your right mind (I had to make the pun, I'm sorry. ><).

As for this voice...see a psychiatrist. Not a headshrinker that you pay hundreds of dollars just to have him tell you what you already know, though. But, fair warning, that may end up with you taking 5 pills per day for the rest of your life.
 

Aly-chan

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Holy shit son.

Aww, Atlas, if they really were your friends they would have stand by your side even though you have a problem.

It's just the right thing to do, yo.

If i were in the situation, I wouldn't bother with the 'ex-friends'. I would have probably tried making new friends, and warned them about my problem(Well, I am blunt, I would be fast for me, not sure about you). And if they want to be immature and say ' No, I don't want to get hurt by some crazy girl', I would let them be. D:

Well, since I am a little small in age, and seemingly immature I wouldn't know what to do. Knowing me, and my short temper I don't if I would have lasted that long in life as you did, Atlas. If I had that particular problem.

I don't know what to really say about advice...maybe just you move... on? Try to find a loyal friend, instead of one that will just move on without you. Tell someone you trust about your problem, and maybe you'll get some answers.

~Aly
 
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snowdog

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^ Exactly.

Sorry to hear that your friends aren't so understanding. I'm going through the same thing right now.

But the point is, if they can't be supportive of you, or even try to understand how hard this must be for you, then you they really aren't the type of people that you'd want to be friends with, right? They sound like fair weather friends to be honest.

I'd also suggest seeing a doctor; perhaps they can give you some advice on your condition.

I wish you the best. And lotsa luff. ^-^

<3
 

Angel Shards

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FL, I am so sorry you had to go through this :( And, although I've never met/dealt with anyone that is schizphrenic, I believe this is a horrible time for you. Hang in there, no matter what!

What I think you should do, if you havn't already, is seek help. You must. Therapist/psychiatrist/whatever. I really think it would do you good. The next step, after receiving help, it to tell your friends what you told us. I realize telling people via the 'net is different then confessing what has been going on in your life to your friends, but it's not fair to you, or them (and I know it's not about them...). But think of it this way: how will you expect them to understand what is happening if they have no idea? Let them know where you stand and ask where they stand.

Also, just know we're there for you too. I'm not a therapist, or whatever, so I can only give you my best advice.

Hnag in there, FL <3
 
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Keyslash

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I'm glad that that horrible time and situation has passed. I can't believe your friends just left you like that, believe me thats not something a true friend would do. If i was there and in their position I would stand by your side, try to help you any way possible, I would never leave any of my friends.

Try to find someone that you trust to tell this stuff too, and I know that what your friends did hurt you badly, im sure, but maybe they were never really your true friends. Try to find a good friend that will stick with you till the end. =)

I'm here anytime ya know, if ya wanna talk. *shrug* im not sure if any of that was of help to you, but i hope it was.
 
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Friends that do not really care what happens to you or what is wrong with you are not good friends. I used to hve friends like that until I said I like anime. Lets just say that it didn't sit well with them. I was depressed for about a month until my friend Alex introduced me to his other friends. They were the kids that always dressed in black and had trench coats on. One look at them made me uneasy. Yet he remineded me that everything has at least one thing in common. I have been sitting with them during lunch ever since.

The point of the story is that you can make new friends very easily, you just need to know where to look for them.

As fore your voice, i suggest talking to someone else. Just express your feelings to another human being. That person does not have to be a psychiatrist, just someone who understands and sympthathizes with you. That does wonders for me other than just talking to some shrink who might not have or want to connect to you. Be true to your feeling, and to everyone else.
 

frisson

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If ..."friends" abandon you because you're acting strange, they were never your friends to begin with.
If your friends left you because of your problem, find new ones because there obviously not that good friends =/
Aww, Atlas, if they really were your friends they would have stand by your side even though you have a problem.
But the point is, if they can't be supportive of you, or even try to understand how hard this must be for you, then you they really aren't the type of people that you'd want to be friends with, right? They sound like fair weather friends to be honest.
If they were your friends, they would help you and even try to solve exactly what you need help with.
Friends that do not really care what happens to you or what is wrong with you are not good friends.
Quoted for emphasis.

Schizophrenia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

As for everybody else, here is a quick Wikipedia definition of Schizophrenia. I suggest you read it, considering many people have a poor understanding of the disorder. Even you, FL, refer to it as another personality altogether, but you have to realise that it IS you. It encompasses all your bottled up emotions and feelings towards past experiences.

I can only say that the incidents that occured were like "outlets" for your anger. Drinking all that alchohol probably wasn't the smartest idea, but it too was an effective outlet. I'd suggest talking to someone about it, it's REALLY important that you come to terms with your past experiences, and confront them in a civilised manner before something unexpected happens.

No, I'm not a psychiatrist, but I don't believe you've been cured yet. I wish I was there... friendship over the internet, just isn't the same as the real thing... T_T
 

Swag

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Quoted for emphasis.

Schizophrenia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

As for everybody else, here is a quick Wikipedia definition of Schizophrenia. I suggest you read it, considering many people have a poor understanding of the disorder. Even you, FL, refer to it as another personality altogether, but you have to realise that it IS you. It encompasses all your bottled up emotions and feelings towards past experiences.

I can only say that the incidents that occured were like "outlets" for your anger. Drinking all that alchohol probably wasn't the smartest idea, but it too was an effective outlet. I'd suggest talking to someone about it, it's REALLY important that you come to terms with your past experiences, and confront them in a civilised manner before something unexpected happens.

No, I'm not a psychiatrist, but I don't believe you've been cured yet. I wish I was there... friendship over the internet, just isn't the same as the real thing... T_T

Quoted for emphasis.

RoA said everything said I was gonna say. I too wish I was there, cuz I'm definately a better friend than those guys. I got your back Atlas.
 

Nebula Zero

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Its quite simple, violent. At that age, they cant assume you're crazy. But merely just angry. They dont know it. As far as they know, I was just really angry at my sister and my friend back then. Just because I attacked them doesn't unnecessarily mark me as crazy, just really angry. Too bad they didn't assume the former.

That, and whey replace in medication they easily replaced with beatings. *refer to first paragraphs*
 
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Nebula Zero

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Let me answer your question with this question, and maybe you'll get it.

Would anyone believe me, or even give me positive words?
 

Nebula Zero

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They would obviously think I would need anger management problems, but they would assume that I'm just angry. Not insane, unless I told them everything. And these incidents were usually forgotten, but I can still remember them. How, you ask? A famous quote from Fight Club,

"I know this, because he knows this."

Although my memory maybe fuzzy, his are fresh. I have a knack for remembering bad things in the past.
 

Guile

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I can't remember where I had heard/read this, but it states that the people tend to focus on the negetive things more than positive.

Possibly it could be that reason. That since it's bad, you focus upon it, and therefore remember the event.

Anyway, I wish I could help but there is no way for me to do as such. I have no experience to fall upon when dealing with such a situation. Just hang in there, 'aight?
 

Nebula Zero

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Yeah, kinda bad on my part. Sorry? ._.

Oh, and good news?

Apparently, only one of my friends was the only one who disapproved of my state, and we found out she moved back to her old place, because her friends disagreed with her idea of me hanging around them. Her friends(and mine) thought she crossed the line after my dream and woke up with a supposed clear conscious. She still believed I was crazy, and I called her on her BS, and pissed her off. She said she was gonna 'kick my ass'. I went to her apartment front, and she marched out of the entrance. She greeted me with a few punches to the face, grabbed me by the coat and said,

"How dare you f*cking mock me! I'll f*cking kill you!"

After trying to trip me failed, she punched me a few more times in the face once more, and left. I decided not to hit her back through that whole time, to show her how much control I gained, and how much she lost.

To make a long story short, I managed to get my friends back, and the haters are gone. And the voice is gone. With friends to help me through this, I hope another attack will not occur. Thank you guys for showing your support through this. I really appreciate it.
 
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