Thank you both. are there any more comments or criticisms upon it? I highly desire them. Please?
Fanfiction ► Of Vice and Virtue: Pandora's Legacy
- Thread starter Blackest Night
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Well, you wanted an analysis, BN, I'll suppose I'll have to give you one.
Greed's narrative as a whole was one that was short but sweet. It was coated in the childish and, well, greedy personality of him, and it quickly jumped from one subject to another, but the transition was smooth. Also, the narrative is made more interesting because the other sins are tied in (especially Lust), and there's certainly room to continue the story. There were also some humorous bits within.
Besides the few typos and a bit of a run-on, there were no flaws within Greed's narrative. A job well done.
Where's my hug? D=
Greed's narrative as a whole was one that was short but sweet. It was coated in the childish and, well, greedy personality of him, and it quickly jumped from one subject to another, but the transition was smooth. Also, the narrative is made more interesting because the other sins are tied in (especially Lust), and there's certainly room to continue the story. There were also some humorous bits within.
Besides the few typos and a bit of a run-on, there were no flaws within Greed's narrative. A job well done.
Where's my hug? D=
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Well done. Your work, despite the typos, is an excellent work of art. Cliche, but that is what it is.
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So uh, I like it. I like it a lot. I'm not really into the first person thing, but when I find a first person writing I like, I usually fall in love with. Like this story. It is win. Like, hardcore and shit.
But on a serious note, I really enjoy the personalities you have put into your characters.
But on a serious note, I really enjoy the personalities you have put into your characters.
Greed, what a strange little boy, quite comical though. I enjoyed reading how he trailed off into his own little world of trinkets and rocks and the like. His fear of Lust's wrath is noted by the reader, which is key to show his ferocity when severely angered.
I give it an 8/10 because it is a first draft and still could show a bit more. Other than that, it was written well.
I give it an 8/10 because it is a first draft and still could show a bit more. Other than that, it was written well.
Saw this thing in the author's corner, nice Fanfic
It's so short. I'll probably add more later.
Of Vice and Virtue
Gluttony
Gluttony
Pride tells me that there is black, and there is white. Pride tells me that there is no in between. Pride wouldn’t lie. He’s always been very nice to me, giving me plenty of dolls to play with and even letting me have cake whenever I want. Envy told me that this was just because Pride thinks I could be of use to him, because she says he can manipulate me. That’s not true. Pride is my friend. I never liked her. Envy was always mean to me, probably because I always caught her staring at Lust. I don’t understand why she would want him, of all people. Lust doesn’t follow Pride’s orders. Lust is a bad man. Pride said he’d let me have all the cakes in the world because I knew Lust was bad. I know he’ll give me the cakes soon. Pride never lies to me.
I don’t look like someone who would be gluttonous. Envy made fun of me once because I’m so thin. I, just like everyone else I touch, feel like I have this big void in my stomach. I can eat and eat and eat, but I’ll never ever get full. I don’t remember who I’ve been in the past. I’m sure everyone else does. I never focused on names. I was hungry. I was starving. I had to eat. Greed sometimes helped me. He’d always be around finding things and sometimes he’d be so focused on the silverware that he’d forget about the food. Even if he saw it, he’d let me have it. He probably though the food wasn’t any good anyway. It was delicious. Having Greed visit was always fun. He had nice things to play with. Though, sometimes he’d start muttering about some book he found in a library somewhere. Libraries are boring.
One time, I followed Greed around for a day. He was funny, always looking back at me and around everywhere. He was probably afraid someone was going to steal his things. He should get Pride to take care of them. Pride’s never let anything bad happen to my dolls. He could do the same for Greed’s things. But Greed told me not to tell Pride. He said he had a secret game to play. When Pride was trying to figure out why Lust was spending his time in libraries, I followed Greed. Maybe he had found some of the cakes Pride promised me. Pride was probably just saving them for a special occasion. Though, I don’t think I have a birthday.
There weren’t any cakes, but Greed did tell me a secret. He said he had visited Lust in a library and that he’d taken a book back with him. He showed me the book, but he wouldn’t let me touch it. He said it was too pretty and that I might break it. Greed said that he had read the book and found something that he found interesting. I wasn’t allowed to tell Pride, though. It was going to be our little secret. It was a fun game. I’d never hidden anything from Pride before. I was going to beat Greed and keep the secret really well. But Pride wouldn’t like it. Pride wouldn’t be happy.
Gluttony has been a bad girl and shall receive no cakes today.
I don’t look like someone who would be gluttonous. Envy made fun of me once because I’m so thin. I, just like everyone else I touch, feel like I have this big void in my stomach. I can eat and eat and eat, but I’ll never ever get full. I don’t remember who I’ve been in the past. I’m sure everyone else does. I never focused on names. I was hungry. I was starving. I had to eat. Greed sometimes helped me. He’d always be around finding things and sometimes he’d be so focused on the silverware that he’d forget about the food. Even if he saw it, he’d let me have it. He probably though the food wasn’t any good anyway. It was delicious. Having Greed visit was always fun. He had nice things to play with. Though, sometimes he’d start muttering about some book he found in a library somewhere. Libraries are boring.
One time, I followed Greed around for a day. He was funny, always looking back at me and around everywhere. He was probably afraid someone was going to steal his things. He should get Pride to take care of them. Pride’s never let anything bad happen to my dolls. He could do the same for Greed’s things. But Greed told me not to tell Pride. He said he had a secret game to play. When Pride was trying to figure out why Lust was spending his time in libraries, I followed Greed. Maybe he had found some of the cakes Pride promised me. Pride was probably just saving them for a special occasion. Though, I don’t think I have a birthday.
There weren’t any cakes, but Greed did tell me a secret. He said he had visited Lust in a library and that he’d taken a book back with him. He showed me the book, but he wouldn’t let me touch it. He said it was too pretty and that I might break it. Greed said that he had read the book and found something that he found interesting. I wasn’t allowed to tell Pride, though. It was going to be our little secret. It was a fun game. I’d never hidden anything from Pride before. I was going to beat Greed and keep the secret really well. But Pride wouldn’t like it. Pride wouldn’t be happy.
Gluttony has been a bad girl and shall receive no cakes today.
~Gluttony
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Poor girl D=
She seems cute..but evil..under her..Body? o.0;
Very well written and it seems you hit the spot of her. xD I shall wait for new chapter.
She seems cute..but evil..under her..Body? o.0;
Very well written and it seems you hit the spot of her. xD I shall wait for new chapter.
Pride and Gluttony are my favorites, I'm glad they're connected in a way. I like how each narrative reflects their personality so brilliantly.
Keep up the good work, and which narrative do you plan to bring in next?
Keep up the good work, and which narrative do you plan to bring in next?
M
Miss Murder
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Excellent work on all of the narratives so far, DN. But I can't say that I didn't expect any less from you, of course. I would have to say that so far I actually do like Lust a lot, and Pride of course.
Can't wait to see what narrative comes next.
Can't wait to see what narrative comes next.
lol buttsecky.
Really, BN, did you need anything else more? This is awesome to the extreme. I luff it. <3333
Really, BN, did you need anything else more? This is awesome to the extreme. I luff it. <3333
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Very awesome Blackest Night. As I said on chat, the character very well personifies the small, immature girl with a bulemic personality. Great job my friend, and keep up the excellent work!
As I also said on chat, all the narratives are excellent. I maybe would make Envy's envious personality a bit more pronounced, but again that is just me. Otherwise, utter pwnage as it were, is not far from your grasp.
As I also said on chat, all the narratives are excellent. I maybe would make Envy's envious personality a bit more pronounced, but again that is just me. Otherwise, utter pwnage as it were, is not far from your grasp.
Gluttony is a little strange, sounds like a dog that follows Pride around so long as he's dropping cake crumbs behind him for her to follow.
Though, I AM curious about the contents of this book. XD
Though, I AM curious about the contents of this book. XD
Iam sorry for all of them being short. Ijust don't think the Vices would sit there and write obscenely long letters.
Of Vice and Virtue
Wrath
Wrath
I suppose that you expect me to prattle on and on about tales of the past. I do so only out of contempt for that licentious bane Lust and scorn for Pride and his arrogance. I hold no allegiances with any of them and the only connection I will readily admit is that we have all sprung from the same source. I despise them all. It disgusts me that I would ever fall prey to that lustful creature’s charms, or allow myself to be subjugated to Pride’s foolish commands. No man shall ever take hold of my will, lest he face the fury of Hell itself.
I am Wrath. I am fury; I am anger; I am hatred. I am known as scorn and discord, malice and malevolence. I do not share my past names as easily as the others do, for each shell has failed me and in each human vessel, I have felt the consequences of an easily manipulated body. Know only that in each body, my anger has been let loose
For a while, Lust’s existence was not met with the same vehemence with which I viewed the other Vices. While all other things caused my fury to explode, Lust had an odd quality of causing my anger to subside, if only for a moment, and become regretfully lost in every light caress and whispered sound he made. It was disgusting how easily the body I wore heeded him. It was putrid. It was vile. Yet, it was bliss.
My addiction to Lust’s anger-quelling ways grew. Even Sloth, the mistress of lethargy and apathy, could not match the quality of Lust’s sedative seductions. As I grew more and more disgustingly dependent on that ability of his, I became increasingly protective of it. Lust once committed himself to enchanting an island’s worth of women to his side. I would not stand for such a travesty. I made sure that was the last name anyone saw Atlantis. Lust was mine and mine alone.
Envy once mocked me for my violent addiction. Though she had pined for Lust far longer and more intensely than I had, he had chosen me. He knew of her affections, though to be quite honest so did everyone else, yet had had decided upon me. Despite this, a sliver of truth was present in her words. At the time, I made certain that she was brutally punished for it. She was simply jealous, of course. She had to be. She was Envy, after all. She was as much a fool as the rest of them.
I dare not speak of Lust’s recent trangressions yet, left this paper be obliterated in my fury and I be forced to start over. However, I’ve come to realize that Lust is a drug, a tempting addiction. I do not need his smoldering words or his calm, enchanting, wretched laugh. I have the power of a woman scorned. That is all I will ever need.
I am Wrath. I am fury; I am anger; I am hatred. I am known as scorn and discord, malice and malevolence. I do not share my past names as easily as the others do, for each shell has failed me and in each human vessel, I have felt the consequences of an easily manipulated body. Know only that in each body, my anger has been let loose
For a while, Lust’s existence was not met with the same vehemence with which I viewed the other Vices. While all other things caused my fury to explode, Lust had an odd quality of causing my anger to subside, if only for a moment, and become regretfully lost in every light caress and whispered sound he made. It was disgusting how easily the body I wore heeded him. It was putrid. It was vile. Yet, it was bliss.
My addiction to Lust’s anger-quelling ways grew. Even Sloth, the mistress of lethargy and apathy, could not match the quality of Lust’s sedative seductions. As I grew more and more disgustingly dependent on that ability of his, I became increasingly protective of it. Lust once committed himself to enchanting an island’s worth of women to his side. I would not stand for such a travesty. I made sure that was the last name anyone saw Atlantis. Lust was mine and mine alone.
Envy once mocked me for my violent addiction. Though she had pined for Lust far longer and more intensely than I had, he had chosen me. He knew of her affections, though to be quite honest so did everyone else, yet had had decided upon me. Despite this, a sliver of truth was present in her words. At the time, I made certain that she was brutally punished for it. She was simply jealous, of course. She had to be. She was Envy, after all. She was as much a fool as the rest of them.
I dare not speak of Lust’s recent trangressions yet, left this paper be obliterated in my fury and I be forced to start over. However, I’ve come to realize that Lust is a drug, a tempting addiction. I do not need his smoldering words or his calm, enchanting, wretched laugh. I have the power of a woman scorned. That is all I will ever need.
~Wrath.
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Once more I end up as surprised as ever, for Gluttony I expected a fat chick named Tiffany, for Lust, I expected a large breasted woman with long flowing hair, this time I expected Wrath to be some dark warlord male, but I get an angry woman. (On her period amirite? lolz).
This is one of the key points of interest for me, I go in expecting something, and get completwely thrown the other way, everytime I read these narrative's I end up surprised on the charachters actions, or who they are, or their appereance. Now, normally I'd expect Sloth to be a lazy man who sits around all day, but this thime I expect some surprising twist to the charachter.
Overall I'd say you have great charachter development. Also, length is not that big of a deal to me as it is to some of the others, I get just enough of the needed information out of reading the usual amount you write, always giving me alot more to look forward to.
Great Job, keep it up! :<
This is one of the key points of interest for me, I go in expecting something, and get completwely thrown the other way, everytime I read these narrative's I end up surprised on the charachters actions, or who they are, or their appereance. Now, normally I'd expect Sloth to be a lazy man who sits around all day, but this thime I expect some surprising twist to the charachter.
Overall I'd say you have great charachter development. Also, length is not that big of a deal to me as it is to some of the others, I get just enough of the needed information out of reading the usual amount you write, always giving me alot more to look forward to.
Great Job, keep it up! :<
Seriously, Rem. You just made my day. I've been feeling sick, lightheaded, and exhausted all day. You rock. Thanks for the critique.
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Excellent portrayal of Wrath my friend. I now have a better idea of how to write with her when I use her. I actually almost recoiled at the anger put into that post. Good job my friend!
Thank you cyber. Yes, Rem, she is pretty much always in the midst of a period. She's just a pissy bitch. That's why we love her.
lulz
Again, you capture the spirit of the characters. It's perfect, BN. I absolutely love the way that you meld each entry to fit the characters - each one sounds different than the others, the emotions subtly conveyed are changing as they go on and on. just genius, far better than I could do myself.
REP :3
Again, you capture the spirit of the characters. It's perfect, BN. I absolutely love the way that you meld each entry to fit the characters - each one sounds different than the others, the emotions subtly conveyed are changing as they go on and on. just genius, far better than I could do myself.
REP :3
Of Vice and Virtue
Sloth
Sloth
I really found all of the uproar and excitement over Lust’s actions to be quite silly. Why, he had just been spending his time in libraries, poring over dusty old books. Surely, there could not have been anything wrong with that. I too enjoy libraries from time to time. They are wonderfully relaxing places. I never actually read any of the books of course. They were much too far away, none of them ever looked remotely interesting and, quite simply, I could not be bothered to move from such a comfortable chair. There is just something about the musky warmth of a library that envelops you and carries you sweetly off to sleep.
Oh, forgive me. I’d gone and dozed off. I’ve forgotten to introduce myself. Little sweet, my name is Sloth. I have gone by Apathy, Neglect, and Lethe, but I believe you’ve grasped the point. I would list the mortal names I have taken, but I am afraid I no longer remember them. Oh well, it is no matter. I’m sure they were of little importance anyway.
I do not understand the contempt with which my brothers and sisters view each other. Are they not simply playing the parts handed to them? Why would anyone curse another for following their path? Why bother trying to change what is already set in stone when it is so very difficult to do so? Personally, I enjoy simply sitting, relaxing, and watching the play unfold. You’ve no idea how lovely it is to sleep beneath the clouds, and then rest afterwards.
One fine afternoon, following a wonderful nap and dreams of soft lily pads, I awoke to the sight of Gluttony playing with her dolls. She is such a sweet, if somewhat gullible, child. She frequently sits down in front of me whilst I lay in rest, and tells me about the stories she had made for them. She once lined up seven dolls, three male, four female, and told me that during a particularly rowdy tea party, the miniature Pride, Lust, and Greed had gotten into a quarrel. She then proceeded to lightly knock down the figurines of Greed and Lust, and proclaim to me that Pride was the only male the remaining sins could trust. She is such a poor, sweet child.
As I woke, I also witnessed Pride pacing back and forth, muttering curse words to himself about Lust. At that moment, I realized that, although Gluttony appeared to be the child of the group, it was Pride who was far more suited for the role. Pride hid behind delusions of grandeur; Pride who feared the shadows of nonexistent plots against him. Pride was the one who did little more than eradicate “threats”, only to pronounce that he had never considered them to be any danger. Pride was the one who kicked, screamed, intimidated, and threatened until he got his way.
This is not to say that the others are free of their shortcomings. Lust played the victim of curiosity and his own desire. He had grown tired of being himself, a laughable concept. How could one becoming exhausted of themselves? The ocean does not tire of being vast, and the earth does not grow weary of being strong. They accept themselves, and are satisfied with what they are now and what they will always be. It would seem that Lust could not grasp such concepts.
However, boys will be boys. I, for one, will not dare interfere with such things. I shall not attempt to change what is already underway. I play the role of the observer, the silent watcher. I am content to do just that. While I say little and do even less, I see more than anyone. Such is the reward of patience and Sloth.
Oh, forgive me. I’d gone and dozed off. I’ve forgotten to introduce myself. Little sweet, my name is Sloth. I have gone by Apathy, Neglect, and Lethe, but I believe you’ve grasped the point. I would list the mortal names I have taken, but I am afraid I no longer remember them. Oh well, it is no matter. I’m sure they were of little importance anyway.
I do not understand the contempt with which my brothers and sisters view each other. Are they not simply playing the parts handed to them? Why would anyone curse another for following their path? Why bother trying to change what is already set in stone when it is so very difficult to do so? Personally, I enjoy simply sitting, relaxing, and watching the play unfold. You’ve no idea how lovely it is to sleep beneath the clouds, and then rest afterwards.
One fine afternoon, following a wonderful nap and dreams of soft lily pads, I awoke to the sight of Gluttony playing with her dolls. She is such a sweet, if somewhat gullible, child. She frequently sits down in front of me whilst I lay in rest, and tells me about the stories she had made for them. She once lined up seven dolls, three male, four female, and told me that during a particularly rowdy tea party, the miniature Pride, Lust, and Greed had gotten into a quarrel. She then proceeded to lightly knock down the figurines of Greed and Lust, and proclaim to me that Pride was the only male the remaining sins could trust. She is such a poor, sweet child.
As I woke, I also witnessed Pride pacing back and forth, muttering curse words to himself about Lust. At that moment, I realized that, although Gluttony appeared to be the child of the group, it was Pride who was far more suited for the role. Pride hid behind delusions of grandeur; Pride who feared the shadows of nonexistent plots against him. Pride was the one who did little more than eradicate “threats”, only to pronounce that he had never considered them to be any danger. Pride was the one who kicked, screamed, intimidated, and threatened until he got his way.
This is not to say that the others are free of their shortcomings. Lust played the victim of curiosity and his own desire. He had grown tired of being himself, a laughable concept. How could one becoming exhausted of themselves? The ocean does not tire of being vast, and the earth does not grow weary of being strong. They accept themselves, and are satisfied with what they are now and what they will always be. It would seem that Lust could not grasp such concepts.
However, boys will be boys. I, for one, will not dare interfere with such things. I shall not attempt to change what is already underway. I play the role of the observer, the silent watcher. I am content to do just that. While I say little and do even less, I see more than anyone. Such is the reward of patience and Sloth.
~Sloth
Oddly enough, Sloth's is the third longest one. xD
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