Then I saw the Light. 1It’s was getting bigger… No, I was getting closer. I realized it was ground. There was a picture. It looked like the ground 2is stained glass. The 3Picture though… It was of a boy that I didn't know 4but he seemed so familiar. A name kept popping up into my head5… Sora. I wondered if he was Sora. Around him, in small circles, 6there was 5 more faces. 7A girl, a boy and the other 3 resemble a Duck, a Dog, and a Mouse. They all held weapons except for the girl. Sora, if that 8is his name, 9holds a blade that 10looks like a 11Key, the Mouse too 12holds a 13blade that looks like a Key and is almost identical to Sora’s. 14The Duck 12holds a staff and the Dog 12holds a shield. 15The boy that was not Sora held a held a blade that resembled a Key too 16but it was different from Sora's and the Mouse's.
1 It
2 Was
3 no capital letter
4 Either add a comma after 'know' or start a new sentence
5 This isn't so much a mistake as just an oddity; I think a colon would be better here than an ellipse
6 'Was' should be 'were', and I don't think the 'there' is needed (the subject of the sentence is plural [faces], so 'was' should be plural too [were])
6.1 I suggest typing out numbers. Sure it's fine how it is, but it's considered 'more proper' to type them out.
7 This sentence should not be it's own sentence. There is no real subject or predicate. It should be connected to the previous sentence by a colon
7.1 I also would suggest rewording it to something like 'A girl, a boy, a duck, a dog-like creature, and a mouse.'
7.2 Come back to this after you've read
15. Here, I highly suggest adding more description of the five faces. Hair color, eye color, whatever. Just something to give the readers a better idea what they are looking at.
8 was
9 held
10 looked
11 Don't capitalize 'key'. Capitals are for proper nouns, and key is not proper. Neither are dog, mouse, or duck.
12 held, held, and held
13 I would suggest changing up your description of Mickey's keyblade, since you used almost the same words to describe it as you did Sora's keyblade. Plus, 'looks' should be 'looked' and 'is' should be 'was'. In fact, you could just cut the key part and say 'and the Mouse held a blade that looked almost identical to Sora’s.'
14 Try to mix up your verbs. You just used 'held' four times in a row. Using the same word many times in a row can bore the reader
15 'The boy that was not Sora' works, but I would suggest describing the boy at
7, and then referring to him as the 'boy with white hair' or something similar (since I'm assuming it's Riku).
16 How was it different? Show don't tell.
1I started slowing down! I didn’t know how but I was slowing. I slowly approach the ground of glass. I landed on the glass, on my feet.
“Roxora2” I heard my name and I tried to 3speak back but then realized that more some reason I was mute.
“Calm yourself, Roxora. Just 4Lis…”
5The glass ground disappeared.
1 I would suggest combining the next three sentences into one. Sure, they are grammatically correct as is, but you use a form of the word 'slow' three times in three sentences. Plus the sentences are really short. I'd recommend something like 'As I approached the glass floor, my descent began to gradually slow, though I could not imagine why.
2 Add a period here.
3 reply or answer would be better here than speak
3.1 Also, I think the sentence could be worded a bit better. I think 'I heard my name and tried to reply, but no sound escaped my open mouth. It seemed I was mute.' flows a lot better.
4 'Lis' should not be capitalized
4.2 Typically, a - is used to signify someone's speech being cut off. With an ellipsis, you give the impression that the voice sort of fades away slowly
5 I was going to mention this before, but I forgot, and I'm far too lazy to shift all sixteen numbers above, so I'll say it here. Is this supposed to be an Awakening? If so, the glass isn't so much a ground, but the top of a large tower/pillar. If this is an Awakening like in the games, then I think you should add a little more description of the station itself, and not just the top. If it's something different, then ignore this.
“Wake up1 Silly!”
I opened my eyes. 2I'm laying down on the beach.
“What are you doing, sleeping on the beach?” I looked up and saw Kainame, one of my best friends. She was staring at me like I 3did something wrong.
I quickly jumped up. “Kainame!” 4she poked my chest angrily.
“Why are you sleeping? We are supposed to be working on the raft!”
“Uh…” I tried to recall the beginning of the day, and when I fell asleep, but I couldn’t remember5. “Well where’s Riku? Is he working on the raft?”
“That’s a good point6” She giggled and ran off. “7Hurry Up” She called to me. I ran to catch up. 8I knew that, that day would be a good day on Twilight Islands.
1 There should be a comma after 'wake up'. I also don't think 'silly' should be capitalized, but I'm not totally sure. Since she is referring to him as 'silly' like a name, I guess it
could be capitalized, though I would recommend changing it.
2 'I was' not 'I'm'. You should also describe a bit more here. What does the beach look like? Try to immerse the reader a bit more
3 Here's another one that I'm not totally sure on. I think 'I had done something wrong.' would be better
4 Capitalize 'she' [Also, i c wut u did there; Kairi+Namine= Kainame and Roxas+Sora=Roxora]
5 'couldn't remember anything' sounds better to me
6 Add a period here
7 'up' should not be capitalized, and there should be either a comma or an exclamation point after it. 'She' shouldn't be capitalized either.
8 Gah, the cursed double that! I have no clue how you are supposed to write something like this, but it never sounds good to me, so I would suggest rewording the sentence to avoid it. Perhaps 'I knew it would be a good day on Twilight Islands.'