I have only made ONE post in this section. Yet, your problem intrigues me. So, I've decided I'm going help you out. From all that I have read, one word automatically came to mind:
Obsession.
ouch. I suppose that does apply, but I can't say that feels right, and i haven't really thought of it in thost terms. This is the exact kind of thing i don't want though. Like i have said, i focus alot of my energy around being good person, and being an obsessed nut-job is not where i want to be.
To me, it seems more like this is periodic. For example, the holidays are ALWAYS a bad time for me in this respect, it always drags my attention towards the feelings i have for my loved ones (be it family, freinds, or whatever), and also she is usually one alot more and we talked alot over this break, so it doesn't take long for my heart to start longing. usually though, it will go down (for instance, its not bothering me nearly as much now as it was when i posted this thread), and i'll end up living life as usual with no particular care or concern about it. I usually go months without feeling any particular sadness as a result of her, although i do often feel loney and so depressed in that way, but that is kind of a seperate issue, since I also suck at meeting people, and even when i do, I don't find that spark that would signal a possible match anymore. no one is appealing to me anymore.
You are obsessed with her. For some reason, you can't let go of your feelings towards her/that is destroying you from the inside.
Yeah, how do i fix that? It is certainly putting a dent in my energy for the day. it stabs very deeply into me, and i don't like being this way, because then no one else wants to talk to me either.
I just wish I could let go of these feelings, yet at the same time, it almost feels worse. It doesn't feel right, and even if i try, they always come back. I'm just running out of options, and its making me nuts. I can't seem to release these emotions anywhere, i can't seem to release these feelings, and i've tried. I've tried logically coming to the conclusion that realistically, its kind of over, and that my chances now are so slim that it is probably not going to happen.
Yet that has only served to make me more depressed, since i can't dislodge these feelings.
Whats more, I'm already really hurting because no one is close to me. I don't have anyone outside my family and some friends. I've never ever been successful at finding anyone i have any real feelings for (other than this girl of course), and i've legitmately tried to find someone else, and yet there is never that spark. I never feel anything towards these other girls i meet. there is nothing there. Only this one girl ever stirs up my heart, and i can't figure it out. Why? Its not like she does anything that special for me. True, she is a very sweet and kind person, and she does seem to care alot more about the things that are bothering me than most, but its not like she is interested in me. I don't say that pessimistically either. she never has been, thats been a fact for ages, and little has changed.
I suppose thats the other thing that hurts. Few care about me anymore. I've always been a quiet kid, and i've kept to myself other than my small groups of friends. Ironically, after the girl that i've liked moved away, it seem that all of the friends i had kida seperated and went their own ways as well (it was as if she held them all together), and so i lost lots of my friends after i just couldn't see them anymore out of practicality (busy lives on both sides). And no one else is going to give a shit about me. why would they? no one knows who i am, and the only time i stand out is when i do something retarded or embarrassing. I have no value to people outside of my family and some of my friends. (not that i don't value myself.) I'm not so far down the hole as to think that i am worthless. I know I still have alot more to me to grow and develop, and so i remain optomistic that things will improve as i grow and develop in a positive direction, if thats possible with this shit that plaguing me right now).
You're afraid to tell her because you have a feeling that she will reject you. So let me ask you this: If she is the nicest person in the world, do you think she will actually abandon you as a friend for this?
Ironically, i don't fear rejection, because right now, its inevitable. Thats why i don't want to talk to her about it now. All it will do is push me furthe from my goal of atleast having one more chance, and god forbid i need to endure more years and months of this ridiculous nonsense then i have to.
I don't think she would abandon me, but i don't think she'd be happy with me, and it would take a lot of work to rebuild that friendship if she takes it the wrong way, and i fear that. alot of her friends didn't feel she was mature enough to handle these kinds of things when she first left two years ago, and i have no way of really knowing how she is today. Sadly, if any of her recent conversations are any indication, i think she still doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of being with someone. Its as if she fears she'll loose the halo over her head, if that makes any sense to you.
and so conversations about things that jeapordize her "halo" seem to make her uneasy. Even though i'm probably world's nicest and mushiest guy, and god knows i'd never cross her boundries, she just seems to assume that relationships lead to things she doesn't feel are good.
I just really wish i knew why i still have feelings for her. i mean, i know why i care about her, but still, With all the pain and anguish that gets caused by all of this greatly overpowers any positive feelings i've felt in a while, yet somewhere in my heart i still find that drive to continue to probable failure anyway.
I guess this is where the inner conflict is
I really wish i knew whats wrong with me.
