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CAB_IV

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Yeah, looks like i'm finally breaking down and looking for help on this forum :rolleyes:

normally, I wouldn't take my problems here, because

A) I hate dumping my crap on people

B)I dislike sounding like an emo nutjob.

However, even i can't tolerate my own stupidity at this point, and i'm really, REALLY beginning to loose my mind here.

For years now there is this girl that i cannot even describe the hold she has on me on the inside. I fell for her in the 8th grade, but things never really worked out. by this time my sophmore year, she was a few weeks away from moving to Hawaii, and so i did eventually broke down and tired to tell her how I felt, since i never really ever did. (that whole bit of nonsense is more insane than you can imagine. If people hadn't figured out that i liked her back in the 8th grade, i probably would have never said anything, ever). I thought i tmight help me move on, and i everyone else thought that to, but somehow that soft spot remained.

we still talked even though she was in Hawaii, and then a year later i got to see her again when she moved to Delaware (3 hours from here, but still far). If anything, she seems to be getting closer to me, but i'm pretty much without question sure she means to go in a friendship direction.

However, i still have never gotten over her, and so i had been burying it in the back of my mind and just going through life, but just like tires, these feelings really are coming back in force. I never really stopped caring about her, and deep down i still want to be with her and make her smile and all that good stuff.

The part thats bothering me is that its been over 5 freakin years now. even the three years it took me to get out with it was probably far to long, and yet i'm still stuck on her. I'm not a bad guy, i'm really not, and I push to be the best person i can be, but it sure as hell freaks me out that while just about every normal guy in the world would have moved on, I can't. It doesn't feel right that i still feel this way about her.

And its not like i haven't tried to move on. I've gone around trying to meet new people and all of that good stuff, but no one pops up. I barely even feel a flicker, and nothing has come close to a point where i could even say i've had a tiny crush on anyone else in these past few years.

I don't like this stuff brewing in my mind, my life is already very stressful, and then i have heart attacks thinking about how she is doing, and in the end, it all feels so pointless because i can't realistically see her or hang out with her, and realistically, i don't think her feelings towards me are anything but that of a good friend. I don't want to tell her how I feel now. I don't want to be looked at as one of those freaky guys who can't let go, because really, i'm a good guy, and i don't usually even hint that something still burns in me. I don't want to cause her any grief with stuff she probably feels is long dead, but people keep telling me that I should tell her, that somehow it would help.

Now i know her, and trust me, this isn't my feelings talking, she really is the nicest girl on the face of the planet. At the same time however, I'm not sure she'd take something like this in a positive way, and I really don't want to loose her friendship ( and i know she doesn't want to loose mine either).

Its just all very stressful, because if i don't do anything, i'm liable to just snap and loose it (i'm getting close to that point). It just doesn't feel right that i've been stuck on her this long. If i do tell her how i feel, I risk loosing her close friendship (which is preferable to nothing), and its not very likely that any worth while relationship would come even if she did look at the idea in new light.

I really don't know what to do, so i really need someone's help. It feels as though I have no more options, and i don't want to be miserable like this on the inside anymore. Its not part of my usual personality to be depressed like this. I'm so much fail its not even funny.

thanks for your help
Chris
 

Mynny

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I'm no good with things like this,and it's only a suggestion, but I think u should tell her.
1) Keeping things inside is never good in the first place (in my opinion), but it's definitely not healthy
2) If you keep on doing this you KNOW ur gonna be miserable, whereas if u tell her, sumthin good might happen. U said urself that she wants 2 keep ur friendship, right? Then if that's the case, I don't think u would lose it. I think telling her would make it less awkward, cuz then ur not hiding anything.
3) U've been feeling this for a very long time, so obviously she is important 2 u. It does u no good and gets u nowhere if u keep that to urself (in my opinion)
4)Even though I'm a glass half-full person, I also have 2 look at the downside. If it all does go sour, at least u know. It's less stressful to know that sum1 doesn't feel the same, than to wonder about it. I think b/c u've been wondering all this time, that's wat has u stuck. But if u know, maybe u can move on

Again, all opinion, just suggestion.
 

Darkness Princess

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In my opinion it would be best to first hint at how you feel, telling her outright would seem a bit weird unless you've been already dropping hints at how you feel all along. You seem to really care about this girl as five years is really a long time especially for us teenagers an age where we seem to drift from love interest to love interest on a monthly basis. The distance is really a problem but if you guys really want it to work out then you should be able to meet up during the weekends, I know that isn't much but it is better then nothing; I know people who've managed to keep a relationship while living in different countries, true it was difficult but somehow they managed to pull it off.

By telling her, you're allowing her to see you in another light and maybe she'll end up feeling the same way about you if she doesn't already feel like that. When you tell a person that you like them, they tend to consider you even if they haven't ever thought of it before and who knows, maybe you guys may end up together...

Anyways, feel free to pm me if you want. Sorry if my advice wasn't that good...
 

CAB_IV

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In reply to Kaos6

I don't think that its that i don't know her feelings that bugs me, or that she doesn't know my feelings. However things go, It just bugs me as to wether or not i'm going to go anywhere, if you know what i'm saying. To me, even if this continues to fail miserably, and even if i am miserable, If I can pull out on valuable lesson, something that makes me a better person, It would have been worth something.

However, I have become better because of it, but now these kinds of jumps and breakthroughs just don't happen. It hurts me more and more that i can't share my love (which is already hell enough), and now i can't atleast benefit from it either. Its a handicap thats keeping me from moving anywhere else but on a track towards her, and part of me resists that track because I feel rather hopeless and pessimistic about it. how would 5 years change anything? How am i any different to her?

And of course, i have no real clue about how she is feeling, or if she has interests in other people. I have not clue in that department. It is the lack of chances of success that kills me more than not knowing.

I mean, you'd have to figure, that if i've still cared about her for this long, then there has to be something, right? but at the same time, my more realistic half says its possible i'm just nuts in some way or the other, and that just because your feelings have lasted so long, doesn't mean they are right. I'm a good enough guy that i do not want to cause anyone any awkwardness, greif, or problems. And deep down inside, i don't want to cause her to abandon me because of it. I somehow feel like i've passed some sort of limit here.

SO i could go back and pursue her, but for what? There is no real indication that things are different.

In reply to Darkness Princess

I have not dropped any hints to her. My friends have noticed me occaionally slip and show some major depression, especially when her name comes up. I'm positive they suspect it. I tell them " I can neither confirm nor deny...." and all that good stuff, so its a pretty clear indication to them, and while they are her friends to, I really doubt they talk to her. Many of them didn't even have her new phone number until i gave it to them, after the girl i have these feelings for complained that no one called her (I think she is bad with phone numbers and so she probably never called or talked to most of them herself either).

So yeah, if any of my friends have been telling her that i still might have feelings for her, then maybe. Then again, the last time anyone asked that was a few months ago, and so far it doesn't appear like anyone has said anything.

As far as how much I care, thats another thing that scares me. most guys i know might have feelings for a girl, but in the end, lust somehow comes into play, or some other usual teen nonsense as you have said, usually ends it at the very most maybe a semester, or a couple of months more.

I on the otherhand somehow got cursed with actually caring about someone. I could go on and list all the little things that i wonder about how she is doing and all that good stuff, but its just not worth the death spiral of depression it causes. this is the main reason i'm miserable. I cannot express how much i care about her, and i do not think that if i did, that it would be taken well. When it gets right down to it, basically i'm not loved back, lol. Even if she were here in person, i would not get to feel her embrace, or see her look back on me with a smile and feeling warm knowing that i care about her. I'd probably get that cold stare that she can give when things bother her like this. I just hate how i have this never endlig flow of feelings and a desire to give this girl joy for nothing. Sure, i always feel brightened up and cheerful when i talk to her, but i'm not really getting anything from her. I have no real reason to persist.

she is a good person, but i don't think she has ever been able to take other people liking her. it doesn't seem to hit her the right way. She tends to get put off by this sort of thing, which makes telling her how i feel especially difficult. I just don't know what to do about things. She might be different then that now though, and in that respect, i really don't know how she would react to that sort of thing.

There is to much that i just don't know about how she feels these days. I wish I knew, so that i have a better idea at how or what to say.

She may see me in a new light, but is that light the light at the end of the tunnel, or an oncoming train that will once again, fail to crush my feelings for her, and still leave me a miserable wreck.

Also, don't worry abour your advice, i truely appreciate it. I know that if anyone remembers my old posts here, I gave people a hard time. I always came in with the realistic side of the story. I'd have shot down a person like myself in about 5 seconds, and tell them how its not worth it to waste your life away on one girl who doesn't show you any care in return beyond the level of a friend. unfortuneately i'm no hypocrite, and so its especially hard for me, because this is where that inner conflict comes in. part of me is telling me this is all a waste of my life, because even though i've lasted 5 years, its no garuntee that it will work out, and that i could have found some better way to be happy. I can't say that i help myself feel any better.

So thank you all again, and have a happy new year. gotta go watch that ball drop in time square!
 

Mynny

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I still say telling her might do sumthin. Things may not be different, and chances of success may be lacking but keeping it does not seem to be helping u either.

That prolly does not help and sounds really lame but again, it is opinion. The decision is ultimately yours.
 

Leonard

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Ok, first of all, wow. I am really impressed by your firs two posts. They probably took loads of time, this shows that you really seem to care for her a lot ^^. And still caring for her after such a long time, that must be love :D (IMO)

Anyway, its no wonder everyone is giving you the advice to step forward and tell her about your feelings, as, like you kinda "said" in your previous posts, you can't really seem to let go of her. First of all, you should try to be clear about what you can do (what your possibilities are) and what the consequences would be and if that would be an option for you. I personally would also go with telling her (mostly because of the reason I already said) as keeping it inside of you would be quite unhealthy for you and the people around you. I can't think of many other possibilities
right now, as I'm not really to familiar with this whole thing.

I have one more question to ask:

Did you have no contact to her for 5 years now or did I get that wrong?

You are welcome to PM me or add me in ICQ or something.

Really hope this helps.
 
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CAB_IV

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Ok, first of all, wow. I am really impressed by your firs two posts. They probably took loads of time, this shows that you really seem to care for her a lot ^^. And still caring for her after such a long time, that must be love :D (IMO)

Or insanity. its always possible that i cracked, lol.

First of all, you should try to be clear about what you can do (what your possibilities are) and what the consequences would be and if that would be an option for you.[/quote]

I really wouldn't know what could happen. I can't see the future.

I personally would also go with telling her (mostly because of the reason I already said) as keeping it inside of you would be quite unhealthy for you and the people around you. I can't think of many other possibilities

Yeah, but there is the ultimate problem. How does telling her change anything? It hasn't in the past. Its not like her saying she still isn't interested will flip some switch in my mind, and thats why i'm calling out for help. the point of Unhealthy has already past in my opinion. I can't find any different solutions though. everyone has the same answer that they've been giving me for years. back 2 years ago i told her how i felt, and obviously i'm still stuck in a rut.

right now, as I'm not really to familiar with this whole thing.

BE PREPARED FOR THE LONG STORY. There is no short version

basically, in the 8th grade, i started having a crush on this girl. In the end, neither of us or the people around me were mature enough to handle it, and so I pretty much got found out after a freind made a lucky guess and sunk me on our 8th grade trip (which really sucked because that was a cool trip). Of course, things only snowballed worse and by the end of that year i thought i was screwed in that department, and so I thought that i'd meet new people in highschool. To make matters worse, (or maybe better) I moved out of town february of that year. i was originally down the street, but then i moved to the worlds most empty and ridiculous town, Hainesport (and i don't say that because i moved away. it really is empty). So yeah, the whole first year was disaster. Keep in mind though that i never actually said to her that I liked her.

Freshmen year was nearly as disastorous, because I still had no idea what i was doing, and i tried notes and made a general idiot of myself as freshmen tend to do. She kinda talked to me, but only a little bit. Alot of her freinds though felt some sympathy for me, so i somehow got pulled into the circle. still, never said anything, but it was generally known among all without having to be spoken. The summer after freshman year i found out that she was moving to Hawaii, so of course that freaked me out. However, given how empty hainesport is, and that I really didn't talk to her as much I had alot of time to do some more heavy thought. I knew I had to get this bug out of me by then, or i would go nuts ( in hindsight, so much for that plan). This was also a time where Boy Scouts became much more important to me, and if i wanted Eagle, i had to get my ass moving then, and so until november of this past year, boyscouts had been an almost equally distracting and destructive piece of stress (which by the way, i only need to sit down for my Board of Review to get Eagle).

so in the begginning of my Sophmore year i was flipping out, but i somehow managed to not make to much of an idiot of myself. At this time i also was able to kinda become more of her friend, and she seemed interested in talking with me more (of course though, this was not a move toward getting together, so far as anyone could tell). I decided that i would be an absolute asshole if i continued to pursue her not only because she'd only end up moving anyway, but i didn't want to cause anymore drama for her last few months with us in New Jersey. I just decided to be there for her and help her out.

It must have been working, since i got invited to her 16th birthday party, which doubled up as a going away party since she would be moving to Hawaii in mid January. I generally assume thats about the time she no longer felt to much uncomfortable around me, and i got a few hugs and things, but i didn't try anything, seeing as things wouldn't be getting any better from then on, and i doubted i'd ever see her again. before chriistmas though i decided i should just break down and tell her how i felt from me, but i suppose i still screwed up because i did it over the instant messenger on the spur of the moment without much thought. I didn't say anything i regret, but in my opinion, its a crappy way to say heartfelt things, but it didn't hurt our conversations to much. Since my sister was also her friend, i was there to see her off the night before she left for Hawaii, and so I somehow managed to put my foot in the door as a good friend.

from then on i didn't talk to her that much. I still felt EXTREMELY guilty about my conduct in past years, and I still never really thought she'd want to hear from me again, but we talked occaisionally every couple of months. I was still on the inside really stuck on her, and barely a night would go y that i didn't worry about her, since she had told me that it was getting hard for her to fit in Hawaii, and that she wasn't able to get into most of the clubs and activities she enjoyed. I was also worried because being half a world away, i had no ability what so ever give her any help, so for that whole year i was having heart attacks. Even though i had felt many times where i was numb to my feelings, they always surged back. By the summer though, i was making an effort to call atleast once a month, just to say hi and ask how things were going. Apperently, i was one of very few people from New Jersey that still called her, and she had been feeling very forgotten.

Junior year was much of the same as above, although i think we were talking even more often. Probably the weirdest thing to happen was that she wanted to ask me to take her to her junior prom, but i generally view this with suspicsion. I can't tell if she was serious, or if she was just asking under the assumption that it would never happen ( which it obviously wouldn't). My mom seemed to think that the only reason she asked is because she was just trying to find people who knew her well and that there wasn't any real feelings behind it. In the end, the subject dissappeared quietly, although i'm still curious about it. In the end though, it didn't matter, because She ended up moving back to the East coast ( this time 3 hours south in Delaware) in february of last year. She stayed over night at our house (keep in mind my sister was like her best freind) and i hung out with her alittle for a day until she had to head back to her new home. We did talk alot more often, and so thats just about how it has been until recently.

She has talked to me alot and shes taken larger interest in some of my interests. She also seems more concerned lately, but i still don't like to talk about my problems in general (The fact that you are reading this is nothing short of a miracle).

I haven't seen her online in a few days now, but i'm just assuming she is busy. even i'm not really as online as my AIM SN suggests (yeah, i forget to put up away messages alot). I just hope i haven't made an idiot out of myself again, since i've obviously not been feeling well, even to her, lol. I'd often jump away from the topics that involve me on any deeper level than tips on playing Halo.

However, I still don't think she wants a relationship beyond what we have now. I think she just wants me to be a closer friend, because I am always there to back her up and encourage her to do the best she can and to have fun. I haven't fallen short on my old plan to try and make her happy despite my inability to be with her. This is dangerous waters because it puts me perilously close to the friend zone, which is the equivalent of a black hole for any endeavour of the heart. Basically, you get slotted in as "the brother i never had" and then you are screwed for life, for there is no return from the Friend Zone.

I suppost the biggest problem is that i don't talk about myself to anyone, period. During the earlier years of my "crush", I was super serious, and i was also trying to help out my freinds with their problems, and i think this eventually lead to the loss of half my freinds, because I was just to depressed and serious. Now i think i might be pushing the sillyness a bit much, but god forbid if i ever slump back into THAT misery. there are some things that do feel worse than i do now, so i'm happy i've gotten this far!


I have one more question to ask:

Did you have no contact to her for 5 years now or did I get that wrong?
.

No, i talk to her all the time these days, atleast a few times a month. Lately she has been online alot more to, so i've been talking to her alot lately. Of course, i never hint that the things that are bothering me are her. Alittle part of me was trying to tell her how I felt, but i just never would. of course, most of this is answered above.


If anyone has read that, they get a cookie.
 

CAB_IV

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What kind of cookie? ^_^ it seems to me that your confused about the way she feels about you so you don't want to risk telling her your feelings right now

That blew my mind, lol.

yeah, thats about the current problem in a nutshell.

unfortuneately, there is only macedemia nut, or a ridiculously huge sugar cookie shaped like a snow flake with green sugars all over.
 

CAB_IV

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Does she send you any kind of *hint* that she may like you to be more than a friend? also yay for abnormally large sugar cookies ^_^

Not that I can tell. Remember, i talk to her mostly through the internet or by phone. its not exactly easy to pick up what she is feeling exactly. Even if she was hinting me, some girl's hints are ridiculous. I wouldn't even know what a hint is.
 

Axel Fire

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tough situation there i see how your stuck thats hard to figure out, about the only advice i can give you is to tell her how you feel and go from there, in the great words of shakespear or some other old dead guy "tis better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all"
 

CAB_IV

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tough situation there i see how your stuck thats hard to figure out, about the only advice i can give you is to tell her how you feel and go from there, in the great words of shakespear or some other old dead guy "tis better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all"


Yeah, but loving someone with no love back is shittier than both of them.

In the end though, i'm also super nervous about it, because i do think i may have fallen into that friend zone. I had given up on ever being with her after she moved to Hawaii, and so i figured being there for her was the best. Now things seem somewhat better, since she isn't as monumentally far away as she was before. And now, i've been there to encourage her, and i've more or less been there for her, but I might describe it as emotionally. That makes the whole effort futile, since that kind of emotional support gets you sent to the freind zone in not time. If she wants to increase that closeness, then that means i've been in the friendzone, and now i jeapordaize that by holding onto my feelings because now i'm trying to keep her out of my problems and push her away and not let her know how i'm feeling so that i don't look like i need anybody ( because looking dependant is not attractive), and so now she might think that I don't want to talk to her.

Its maddening.

True, everyone needs someone else, and thats what friends are for. However, I'm pretty resilient (i've lasted this long despite this kind of shitty depression) and i don't want to be her friend like that, and i don't want to go in that direction, it doesn't feel good and in the end I just feel worse about the whole thing.

I almost don't want to have these feelings for her anymore. It has never been worth it. Its always one impossibly depressing dissappointment after another, and i never get any better, i just fall into a deeper shittier hole of nonsense to the point where my normally very resilient self can not even muster up the happiness or drive to do anything. It feels like its killing me off on the inside, and i don't know what to do. I should be able to be fine regardless, and so far i have been until recently, because now its just out of hand. I don't want to have her effect my happiness, because all it does is bring me down in the long run. I might feel happy at the moments i'm hanging out with her or talking to her, but at the end of the day i'm still sad and lonely and , I still really care about her. I love her company, and i love to see her bright smiling face, and I just want good things, things that i will never be able to provide with the way things are looking.

Its just not worth it anymore, yet my heart hasn't caught on to it yet.
 
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Axel Fire

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sometimes trying to get someone to be more than a friend leads you into a dark and depressing spiral of dissapointment and misery i know this for a fact -_- so sometimes its better to let go of your feelings for that person to end the chain of misery trust me its better for your physical and mental health, but sometimes its hard to let go of your feelings for someone you love.
 

Danica Syer

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Actually, I know how you feel or maybe not ......I'm sorta of in the same situation except mine's pretty lame.........well, I'm not sure what to say to you, has likeanybody told you: only time will tell? Otherwise, I'm seeing there's no solution from the way you been responding to other people's answer you know, trying to see if there's at least progress in your situation (no offense or anything, just pointing this out) Another question: do you think you're going to get stuck in that situation.....for at least a long time? Not that I know what goes on and all but...just had to ask. And not talking about it, is it because it's hard to talk about it?
 

CAB_IV

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to be honest, i really am breaking down. I'm going to have to tell her sometime, since it seems to be the only thing anyone thinks I can do. I have a few peoplei can confide in first that i want to talk to, but now It looks like i'm going to have to start planning some sort of ridiculously good thing to say to her.

I do know that i really shoot down other people's ideas, but i was hoping people would counter my pessimism and come up with a better plan. apperently there isn't but not everyone has spoken yet.

It is immensly difficult to come up with something to say, especially when you know its going to damage your friendship with a good and worthwhile person, and there are so few worthwhile people left in my life right now.
 
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