Fanfiction ► inFamous: The Beginning of Tyranny

[KingdomKey]

This was epic! I felt so bad for Daniel. What went down with him and Celia was huge! I still wish it didn't come to this. Losing his mother because, Celia was being ordered to do it against her will. Actually, I'm surprised she could get away with telling him so much. I had thought Jennifer Augustine would prevent that with a camera watching her every move. I guess it helps to wear a mask and speak in a more hushed tone. Really. I'm surprised Daniel let her touch his face too. I guess, Daniel now knows what to do. I hope he can save his brother Mike and prove his innocence to the police. I look forward to the next chapter, Roxie.

 

[Roxie1563]

This was epic! I felt so bad for Daniel. What went down with him and Celia was huge! I still wish it didn't come to this. Losing his mother because, Celia was being ordered to do it against her will. Actually, I'm surprised she could get away with telling him so much. I had thought Jennifer Augustine would prevent that with a camera watching her every move. I guess it helps to wear a mask and speak in a more hushed tone. Really. I'm surprised Daniel let her touch his face too. I guess, Daniel now knows what to do. I hope he can save his brother Mike and prove his innocence to the police. I look forward to the next chapter, Roxie.

Glad to see that I haven't lost touch from being away from this. xD

Yes, this was huge, indeed and the next chapter will be the payoff for Daniel because in the next part, he's going to do the unthinkable: Break into the D.U.P Holding Facility with the help of the Neon Speedster.

I wanted to show the emotional stuff between Daniel and Celia, even if it was just for a moment. See, when she touched his face, Daniel didn't swat it away; It's because even if he didn't believe her at first, he realized that the D.U.P is really doing this to hurt the potential and eventual chance of having Humans and Conduits to co-exist in peace. Plus, there's some hints of romance feelings between them, but that's going to change once the Neon Speedster comes in.

As for Mike, things won't work out for him all because of a secret he's going to find out.

You're one of the fantastic reader that I enjoy showing this. ^_^

 

[Annoyance]

So I told you I would look at this weeks ago but then I failed to, and then my laptop died! Awesome, huh?
Anyways so I started reading this.
I'm going to be honest, there are a lot of issues so far, and I'm not even through the first chapter. I noticed a lot of rookie mistakes and it really needs substance. Like you have the prototype but this isn't the final by any means. The dialogue is unnatural, characters are practically cardboard... Like I said, rookie mistakes. Easily fixed. You also have a lot of grammar, punctuation, and flow issues. I'll have a better explanation once I'm back on a laptop or at least something with a physical keyboard.

 

[Roxie1563]

So I told you I would look at this weeks ago but then I failed to, and then my laptop died! Awesome, huh?
Anyways so I started reading this.
I'm going to be honest, there are a lot of issues so far, and I'm not even through the first chapter. I noticed a lot of rookie mistakes and it really needs substance. Like you have the prototype but this isn't the final by any means. The dialogue is unnatural, characters are practically cardboard... Like I said, rookie mistakes. Easily fixed. You also have a lot of grammar, punctuation, and flow issues. I'll have a better explanation once I'm back on a laptop or at least something with a physical keyboard.

I kinda figured I would get a brutal but honest thoughts from you on this. And granted, it's all like what you have said: it feels like the prototype but isn't final in any means, dialogue being unnatural, characters feels like cardboard. It is my first time writing out a major story based on the video game of the same title: inFamous. Of course that feels like years ago to me when I first started doing this..

Now with the help of my friends and doing some RP to boost my writing, I think I might try to restart this as a RP since I believe the story itself is more fitting for it. Of course, that's just me being me.

 

[Annoyance]

It felt like an RP turned fanfic when I read it. I don't know the characters and they don't seem based on the characters in inFamous.
My suggestion is maybe try fucking around with one shots of characters you know well. Practice dialogue.

 

[Roxie1563]

It felt like an RP turned fanfic when I read it. I don't know the characters and they don't seem based on the characters in inFamous.
My suggestion is maybe try diddlying around with one shots of characters you know well. Practice dialogue.

I suppose that's because they're my own made characters and it is supposed to tell the story that happened after the events in inFamous and leads up to inFamous: Second Son.

Ah, like Marvel's Item 47 or Hail All The King. That would make sense.. As for the dialogues, I thought they were okay. Do you mind telling me why?

I do appreciate you giving me some criticism/help to kind of make me to become an better writer.

 

[Annoyance]

I hope you forgive me it's hard for me to type cohesive thoughts on my phone, but from what I read, the dialogue has no depth, many of the characters say things that are near interchangeable. Either one speaking could say that.

The reason I suggest writing with given characters that you know the feelings and everything about them, you don't have to tell us about them, you can just show. Showing, not telling, is a VERY important rule with writing and I notice you struggle with it in a lot of parts. We don't know your characters, but you don't show us why the tank character is a tank, just that he is. Does that make sense? Again I'm sorry for this horrible timing with my laptop being busted this is the best I can do for now.

If my laptop were working I would use quotations and everything at my disposal to show specifics but it just isn't possible on my phone without wanting to shoot it.

 

[Roxie1563]

I hope you forgive me it's hard for me to type cohesive thoughts on my phone, but from what I read, the dialogue has no depth, many of the characters say things that are near interchangeable. Either one speaking could say that.

The reason I suggest writing with given characters that you know the feelings and everything about them, you don't have to tell us about them, you can just show. Showing, not telling, is a VERY important rule with writing and I notice you struggle with it in a lot of parts. We don't know your characters, but you don't show us why the tank character is a tank, just that he is. Does that make sense? Again I'm sorry for this horrible timing with my laptop being busted this is the best I can do for now.

If my laptop were working I would use quotations and everything at my disposal to show specifics but it just isn't possible on my phone without wanting to shoot it.

It's okay. I know you are doing what is available to you in the present.

Maybe it's not my strongest suit? At least you enjoyed my first battle scene, right? I loved making it.

How did your laptop get fried or something? My brother's an whiz when it comes to computers, so he'd fixed it up for you.

 

[Annoyance]

It's okay. I know you are doing what is available to you in the present.

Maybe it's not my strongest suit? At least you enjoyed my first battle scene, right? I loved making it.

How did your laptop get fried or something? My brother's an whiz when it comes to computers, so he'd fixed it up for you.

It's possible but that's even more reason to practice. Practice your writing like an artist practices sketches, a musician with scales.
I had my guy friend look at it. I just need a new battery. I fried it. I'll get it back soon enough.

Anyways, keep writing! Write as much as possible, read as much as possible.

 

[Roxie1563]

It's possible but that's even more reason to practice. Practice your writing like an artist practices sketches, a musician with scales.
I had my guy friend look at it. I just need a new battery. I fried it. I'll get it back soon enough.

Anyways, keep writing! Write as much as possible, read as much as possible.

True; it's always better to keep on practicing it until it feels right.

Ah, same here as well some odd weeks ago.. at least my brother was kind enough to lend his to me, considering him getting an new computer for college.

I'll try to write more.. *looks toward my late post for my RP...* eventually.

 

[Annoyance]

Make a goal for yourself to write like 200 words a day or even a week if necessary. Keep pushing yourself.

 

[Roxie1563]

Make a goal for yourself to write like 200 words a day or even a week if necessary. Keep pushing yourself.

I'll give it a shot. And if you'd like, we can VM more about it.

 

[Annoyance]

I'll give it a shot. And if you'd like, we can VM more about it.

Absolutely. message me whenever.