Alright reading the other one [appreciate right? i forgot to write down the title on the print out]
I'm mainly noticing a lot of rookie stuff. Starting sentences the same way [i i i i i, she said she said she said,], lots of repetition, big boy words with a character that, and i quote isn't good at english as a subject but fails somehow to make a proper metaphor for an incorrect statement to begin with [i need to rant about feminine stuff to you as well unfortunately it seems [yawns aren't lady like? fuck that noise mang], ellipsis, dashes, semi colon rules need to be explained which means i need to break out my book and i'm too lazy to now
and also sticking with past and current tense, and focusing on narrating a story. It's good to have a voice, but having "Uggh" in written narration is kinda sloppy.
Also sticking with first person narrative can subject yourself to what writers call "snowflake syndrome" and I'm getting that a bit with your writing unfortunately. But, there's still hope and I haven't even finished the first chapter yet soooo yeah. Just wanted to let you know how it's going.
The dialogue isn't bad by the way, but noticing the same formatting rules I talked to you about, and some of it is a bit... too kooky? Like I don't wanna be like "nobody talks like that" because i'm sure there are families that do... but it's just a bit too out there for an average morning. Like everyone is too happy. @_@" I don't know how to explain it. I had a problem about this with Easy A for example. I just didn't understand it.
I'm mainly noticing a lot of rookie stuff. Starting sentences the same way [i i i i i, she said she said she said,], lots of repetition, big boy words with a character that, and i quote isn't good at english as a subject but fails somehow to make a proper metaphor for an incorrect statement to begin with [i need to rant about feminine stuff to you as well unfortunately it seems [yawns aren't lady like? fuck that noise mang], ellipsis, dashes, semi colon rules need to be explained which means i need to break out my book and i'm too lazy to now
and also sticking with past and current tense, and focusing on narrating a story. It's good to have a voice, but having "Uggh" in written narration is kinda sloppy.
Also sticking with first person narrative can subject yourself to what writers call "snowflake syndrome" and I'm getting that a bit with your writing unfortunately. But, there's still hope and I haven't even finished the first chapter yet soooo yeah. Just wanted to let you know how it's going.
The dialogue isn't bad by the way, but noticing the same formatting rules I talked to you about, and some of it is a bit... too kooky? Like I don't wanna be like "nobody talks like that" because i'm sure there are families that do... but it's just a bit too out there for an average morning. Like everyone is too happy. @_@" I don't know how to explain it. I had a problem about this with Easy A for example. I just didn't understand it.