Untitled Project

[Honky Sam]

I am rewriting this in a new thread, so someone delete this please.

 

[Noo Monkey]

The swearing (shithole) wasn't necessary. It made it seem poorly written. Replace it. Now.

 

[Daniel Faraday]

How does the swearing seem unecessary? It conveys a sense of anger and frustration, and above all disgust at what he's seeing. It might be a bit colloqueal (lol spelling), but there's nothing inherantly wrong with it.

And damn, this is a lot of exposition. You tell way too much, but don't show enough. The narrative style you used for the prologue really does make that impossible, too. So, uh, on first glance, my only real suggestion is to drop this whole section, and rewrite it with some actual action. Find a better way to convey Notorious's backstory than by having him tell us all flat out. Maybe find a way for him to bring it up in conversation with a character or something.

 

[Honky Sam]

This is just the prologue of the God himself. The actual story is going to be about a group of people trying to survive while the chaos is going on, with some minor changes into Notorious's side.

 

[Daniel Faraday]

Ahh, I see.

I'm still not a big fan of the narrative style, but it makes much more sense to use it in that situation.

 

[nelly <3]

To be honest.

I agree with Noo Monkey. Poorly written, don't like the narrative style.

" I regained all the abilities I had lost since reincarnation."
do you mean when he was born? it got me alittle confused right there.

I say: focus more on his past first, (be more detailed) and then start focusing on what's going to happen with everybody else.

this story is really confusing. be more detailed.

 

[Honky Sam]

No.

He is a God. He lost all his powers once he born as a human. And during his teen years, his powers returned.

 

[Priss Princess Peckerpunch]

Still short, but I'm enjoying it. I personally feel the narrative style is fairly enjoyable and this is just a prologue, so any complaints I would have normally about it are excused. And the swearing bit doesn't really make it seem poorly written. Like Kid A said, it conveys his disgust and with a little more 'omph' then just 'smelly hole'.

But yeah, a little too short. Keep writing.

 

[Honky Sam]

First half of the first chapter is up.

 

[Ban Mido]

Proffesionally done. Great going. I'll try to keep an eye on it.

 

[Honky Sam]

Last part of the chapter is up.

 

[Rich]

While I agree the writing style could be adjusted a bit, I like the premise.

Nice job.

 

[9890]

I thought the profanity suited the situation. You didn't have to change it. Also the death count was an awesome idea! Nice work Sam, look forward to chapter two.

 

[Noo Monkey]

It's amazing how one can misunderstand what I'm trying to say.
By the swearing not being necessary, I meant to say (wonder why I didn't just say it in the first place) it didn't sound natural where it was. The fact it was one word, and 'shithole' is not a word, made it seem poorly written (in that one place, the rest was fine). I would have tried something more descriptive, like 'shit-ridden hovel of a world'.

I'ma go read Chapter One now...

 

[Honky Sam]

Chapter 2 is up too, you know. And thanks, I might change that.

 

[Priss Princess Peckerpunch]

Second half is decent. Some work could be done, but I can't really pick out anything at the moment. You've filled in the spaces that caused the writing style problems, so now that's less apparent.

Keep writing.

 

[Honky Sam]

Thanks for the comments guys, I'll keep working.