The Stone House [Final version]



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Annoyance

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I've been working on this one for some time now, and this is the version that has been submitted to two literary magazines recently. [I'll probably let you guys know if it gets in.]

Please let me know what you think. I've put a lot of effort into this one.

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Cassette-Disk

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I really liked this. The details were great and some of them actually reminded me of a lake my family used to visit. The small turns in the story were awesome too, giving us small turns here and there and the ending really put a few things in perspective while making me wonder about other aspects. I also loved that it was never 'mother, father,' or 'her mother, her father,' but Mama (capital M) and father (lower case f). It's a great detail that she cares enough about her mom to call her 'Mama,' while the dad never got anything close to that. I loved this and would be surprised if it wasn't chosen.

edit: dang, you got me doing it too. 'Her mom' versus 'the dad' in my second to last sentence. Haha.
 
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Annoyance

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I really liked this. The details were great and some of them actually reminded me of a lake my family used to visit. The small turns in the story were awesome too, giving us small turns here and there and the ending really put a few things in perspective while making me wonder about other aspects. I also loved that it was never 'mother, father,' or 'her mother, her father,' but Mama (capital M) and father (lower case f). It's a great detail that she cares enough about her mom to call her 'Mama,' while the dad never got anything close to that. I loved this and would be surprised if it wasn't chosen.

edit: dang, you got me doing it too. 'Her mom' versus 'the dad' in my second to last sentence. Haha.
I'm so glad you liked it! I tried to stay gradual in the turns rather than unexpected and quick. I hope it does. I had another but I'd rather this be in.
 

KingdomKey

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I hope you get picked, because this was a fabulous story to read. The details were certainly spot on and really enjoyable to read. What I really liked the most about this story was the slight hesitation Natalie had before throwing her father into the river, because it opened up into something much bigger as the story progressed. Especially when it's revealed she suffered the loss of her Mama. In the eyes of a child, perhaps she felt like it was her father's fault she died or he didn't understood how she felt until some part of her forgave him. Of course, Natalie feeling guilty before retrieving him showed a great deal of character growth too. I still never anticipated such a twist and was pleasantly surprised at what CD-Mann pointed out. You put in a great deal of effort into making the story what it was and deserve a round of applause. :)
 

Annoyance

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I hope you get picked, because this was a fabulous story to read. The details were certainly spot on and really enjoyable to read. What I really liked the most about this story was the slight hesitation Natalie had before throwing her father into the river, because it opened up into something much bigger as the story progressed. Especially when it's revealed she suffered the loss of her Mama. In the eyes of a child, perhaps she felt like it was her father's fault she died or he didn't understood how she felt until some part of her forgave him. Of course, Natalie feeling guilty before retrieving him showed a great deal of character growth too. I still never anticipated such a twist and was pleasantly surprised at what CD-Mann pointed out. You put in a great deal of effort into making the story what it was and deserve a round of applause. :)
Kitkat you're gonna make me cry
 

Annoyance

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To update. KitKat you making me cry was a good thing to be clear.

Also! THIS PIECE TIED FOR THE SECOND HIGHEST SCORE FOR FICTION WITH 8.8/10.
I NEARLY CRIED.
 

Annoyance

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Yo! That's awesome to hear! Congrats!
I'm thinking of mailing out copies of Horizons if people want it because I'm kind of disgustingly proud of myself for putting it in and being IN THERE and working on it... @___@"""
idk they're free so.

but thank you so much!
 

BlackOsprey

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I'm thinking of mailing out copies of Horizons if people want it because I'm kind of disgustingly proud of myself for putting it in and being IN THERE and working on it... @___@"""
idk they're free so.

but thank you so much!
Pfft, you've got a very valid reason to be really proud of yourself. That's pretty damn amazing.
 

Annoyance

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Pfft, you've got a very valid reason to be really proud of yourself. That's pretty damn amazing.
I just feel silly because everyone was so nonchalant about getting in and I'm sitting there wiping my eyes because of how hard I've been on myself in the past, to be validated like this.

I put a lot of myself into this one and I'm glad it didn't just get defaulted in like some pieces.
 

KingdomKey

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To update. KitKat you making me cry was a good thing to be clear.

Also! THIS PIECE TIED FOR THE SECOND HIGHEST SCORE FOR FICTION WITH 8.8/10.
I NEARLY CRIED.
I knew that. lol. xD

Congratulations! That's awesome you got the second highest score! You should be proud and it'd totally be understandable if you cried more tears of joy! :D
 

Annoyance

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:v I blipped and auto correct said second highest. It was in fact tied for highest. Mb.

But yes thank you all for your support and help with this piece.
 

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Wow, this was outstanding. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. The imagery was outstanding, as I did not have to try to picture what you were describing, it just happened naturally. There's a lot of personality and plenty of deep meanings in this, without you having to blatantly state it. Congrats on the top placement, it was certainly well deserved.
 

Annoyance

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Thank you so much! You are so kind. ;n;

I'm so glad people like this. I'm worried the second half doesn't blend with the first one, but I don't know.
 

khluva010

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Amazing! This one has something different to say than your edited one which is absolutely brilliant! You still bring the elements of the strong bond between the sisters, the betrayal of the protector/father and the pain of the loss of the nurturer/mother, yet both of your pieces speak to me in different ways. The edited one has this sense of longing about it while this one speaks more to me about forgiveness, especially how you get into more details about the metaphorical relationship Natalie has with the father. I especially love these lines when you write:

Natalie brushed her long messy hair out of her face, wiping her brow with a swift motion, the mud on her fingers leaving dark traces on her skin. With a slow but deliberate motion, she knocked the parents down with one finger, Mother, then father. She brought the bigger of the sisters closer to the smaller.

Reading this part aloud is just really enjoyable, it has a great flow. Both pieces are very rhythmical & poetic to me which I love!

But if you plan on submitting one these versions, you're definitely going to get two different narratives so it'll depend on what kind of message you want your audience resonate with as well as which version speaks with you more, either way I say go for it. Fantastic job!
 
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Annoyance

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I think you're mistaken. The previous version was the rough for this. It felt too incomplete and had no resolution or change. It had less purpose.

I did end up submitting this draft to the magazines and got accepted. Though I am only legally able to choose due to the second magazine having first printing rights. I had to choose my own magazine at school.

I'm actually revamping this soon to give it more strength (hopefully, it's the goal, at least) as a flash fiction piece. May post that in here. Not sure.
 

khluva010

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I see, I thought the other one was edited because it did not have as many details about the father & the search for the stone & all that good stuff almost as if you took it out but that makes a lot more sense now. The other one did end on a bit of a cliffhanger, I guess that's part of why I felt the way I felt about it but my apologies if I misinterpreted your words/intent. I am impressed either way, good luck with it & congratulations!
 

Annoyance

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I see, I thought the other one was edited because it did not have as many details about the father & the search for the stone & all that good stuff almost as if you took it out but that makes a lot more sense now. The other one did end on a bit of a cliffhanger, I guess that's part of why I felt the way I felt about it but my apologies if I misinterpreted your words/intent. I am impressed either way, good luck with it & congratulations!
It's not a problem! I appreciate it all the same. Just wanted to clear that up.
 

Annoyance

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So in my creative writing class, my teacher wanted us to take a piece and push it to be as close to greatness as we could, as a full movement, to show our improvement throughout the class.

I chose The Stone House, despite having it published already. You'll most likely notice small changes here.
Spoiler Spoiler Show


I'd appreciate any critique, of course, and thank you all for reading and helping me get to this point. I sincerely appreciate it.
 
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KingdomKey

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Wow, this turned out quite a bit differently from before! Is it just me or did the protagonist become switched? And Natalie is an only child now. I don't mind the changes, because it's neat seeing a different perspective on it. Furthermore, I love how the protagonist mentions her mother a bit more, because it shows that she still cares deeply about her after she passed away. And that she did learn something from when her mother was alive. Including the way she matures more towards the end about her father too. Overall, I still like it a lot. :D And it was still really cool you were able to get it published!
 
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