The Song of the Siren

[Dark-Disciple]

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Hey guys. I have a good friend that is right now working on a particular piece and wants some criticism on it. She gave me full consent of showing it to you guys hoping to see what you all think.

The Song of the Siren-(C.P.)

There was a challenge,
There was a seductive whisper
You raised your chin
and beckoned me in
And I was none the wiser.

I wanted to be the one
to show you a thing or two.
Few had survived.
You needed defeat.
You needed deliverance.
You needed trust.
And I gave it to you.

I trusted you.
You, the hero in need of redemption
You, the Bermuda Triangle
The ultimate temptress
of any sailor worth his curses
The ultimate challenge
to those of the rocky seas
Not even I could leave the gauntlet dropped;
even I attempted to taunt Fate
and make it through unscathed.

There was a challenge in your heavy waves,
there was an invitation in your calms
It was a combination that proved irresistible.
“You cannot conquer me,” you gloated
“You cannot save me,” you crooned.
Not even I?
“No.”
You tricked me.
I knew better;
I was above all of that.
But with such a combination…?
I did not know such duplicity was possible.
I should have been prepared

Beautiful Bermuda
gorgeous waters,
soothing winds,
And I happen to like Geometry.
Triangles are easy, three-sided figures,
Never dangerous.
Octagons were the bad ones—
danger from eight directions.
But I forgot about the sharp angles
of deceptive, three-sided geometric shapes.

Yeah, I could sail.
Perhaps the others just picked the wrong time
They were fools and sailed into a storm—
but I had found the eye.
I trusted in that calm
and sailed in faithfully.
And then the wind picked up.

I knew the stories,
I knew the games
I knew the warnings of the crazy seamen
who had made it back from the other side.
Survival is not victory—
they learned that the hard way.
And yet
How could I be the same?
I was a better navigator
I was a better sailor of rough waters.
But the Siren’s song does not pick out
the weak of mind and heart
It weaves into the ears of all
and leads every single one to ruin.
You couldn’t be satisfied, having sung me into your spell,
to bump my skiff aground
It was made of metal
and so you had to demolish it completely
A petty revenge.
Betrayal is a destructive force.
One wave slammed me
capsized the boat and I am left lost to the sea.

 

[Nyangoro]

Alright, I'm going to reference "you" when I write this critique. I think it is easier than typing "your friend" every single time. Now, I'm going to go through this stanza by stanza.

There was a challenge,
There was a seductive whisper
You raised your chin
and beckoned me in
And I was none the wiser.

Good start. It's recognizable as an opening to a piece that centers around telling a story. I note that there are rhyming lines, though there isn't much in the way of that elsewhere. I'm going to assume it was an unintentional result of a short stanza.

I wanted to be the one
to show you a thing or two.
Few had survived.
You needed defeat.
You needed deliverance.
You needed trust.
And I gave it to you.

Nice setup. You've established motive and purpose in the second stanza of the story. There are a couple of things that stood out to me. The first is the use of "show you a thing or two." Given the content of the story, it seems weird to use something that I would consider a more modern colloquialism by comparison. Admittedly, I'm not sure if this was used back then or not, but it breaks the character, in my opinion.

The second thing is the next to last line. I'm not familiar enough with the story of Sirens to know for sure, but "you need trust" sounds like an odd choice given the other two action that were also necessities. When I read that, it broke the flow because of its strangeness.

I trusted you.
You, the hero in need of redemption
You, the Bermuda Triangle
The ultimate temptress
of any sailor worth his curses
The ultimate challenge
to those of the rocky seas
Not even I could leave the gauntlet dropped;
even I attempted to taunt Fate
and make it through unscathed.

More good build up. I like the way that it sets the mood for the peril that the sailor must inevitably face. It has the feeling of an epic, seafaring encounter. There wasn't anything I thought peculiar about this stanza.

There was a challenge in your heavy waves,
there was an invitation in your calms
It was a combination that proved irresistible.
“You cannot conquer me,” you gloated
“You cannot save me,” you crooned.
Not even I?
“No.”
You tricked me.
I knew better;
I was above all of that.
But with such a combination…?
I did not know such duplicity was possible.
I should have been prepared

Nice display of the harsh realities faced by people, regardless of their spirit. It's a good conflict stanza to this story. The flow seemed a bit more haphazard this time, but that could work in the poem's favor, since this is a conflict stanza.

Beautiful Bermuda
gorgeous waters,
soothing winds,
And I happen to like Geometry.
Triangles are easy, three-sided figures,
Never dangerous.
Octagons were the bad ones—
danger from eight directions.
But I forgot about the sharp angles
of deceptive, three-sided geometric shapes.

This stanza felt a bit odd. It definitely sounds like something that those in the poetry community would go for, but I don't really know how much I like it. I do like the metaphors to shapes, that much is certain, but it seems out of place in the poem. It's only really tied to the last stanza with the final line. It's not bad, but I'm just a bit iffy on it.

Yeah, I could sail.
Perhaps the others just picked the wrong time
They were fools and sailed into a storm—
but I had found the eye.
I trusted in that calm
and sailed in faithfully.
And then the wind picked up.

This stanza seems like it would be better placed before the last one. It carries the feeling of tension over and then proceeds to bring prepare for the finale, and it does that fairly well.

The only thing I disliked was the initial "yeah." Again, to say this as an interjection feels more modern than the time that I believe this piece would be set in. Of course, if the goal was to make modernize it to a certain extent, than my comments regarding it are meaningless.

I knew the stories,
I knew the games
I knew the warnings of the crazy seamen
who had made it back from the other side.
Survival is not victory—
they learned that the hard way.
And yet
How could I be the same?
I was a better navigator
I was a better sailor of rough waters.
But the Siren’s song does not pick out
the weak of mind and heart
It weaves into the ears of all
and leads every single one to ruin.
You couldn’t be satisfied, having sung me into your spell,
to bump my skiff aground
It was made of metal
and so you had to demolish it completely
A petty revenge.
Betrayal is a destructive force.
One wave slammed me
capsized the boat and I am left lost to the sea.

A strong finish, and a good way to demonstrate man's inability to conquer the things that are beyond him. No real problems with the stanza. It's a bit on the long side, compared to the others, but I don't think that hurts it.

Overall, I like the piece. It tells a solid story from start to finish. The flow doesn't always seem consistent or fluid, but that could both help and hinder the poem depending on who's reading it. No major errors in spelling or grammar that I can see either, which is a plus.

 

[Dark-Disciple]

Here's hoping you got the whole connection between the story being narrated, and it's connection to a lover who took a leap of faith with another just to be torn asunder by their ways.