Fanfiction ► The love that killed.... (one shot)

[soradude]

She held him close, her face stained with tears. The echo of their guns still rung loud in her ears. It took a second before she could really grasp what happened, but then it came to her. They found out, they really did! Somehow, they were discovered. She always knew it might happen, but never wanted to think about it, neither of them did. But it did happen, and now he's dead because of it. She knew it was against the law for a commoner to "be" with anyone above their class, much less a princess, and breaking that law meant death. But their love for each other was to strong.

So they took that risk. Now, their job done, the guards left the room. But not her, she stayed there, trying to remember all the good times they had. The picnic in the fields, the walk by the park, the time he first said "I love you", their first kiss...but that memory only made the sadness worse. He was gone, and no doubt she would never be looked at the same ever again. She should have told him they were coming, she saw them out her window. She knew they were coming, and she knew why. That's why she drank a cup of Geralia before they entered the room, to spare her more suffering, so they could die together. So in her final moments alive, Kairi held Sora's lifeles body close and whispered "I love you too..."

And the princess of Cordea was gone...






Srry if it's cheesy...

 

[Taokitty]

Hmm... It was okay, though, I think it could of been possible to maybe seperate the first paragraph into possibly two, that the only constructive critism I can think of.

Anyway, good job! Even though it was rather short, it was still done fairly well, I'm curious if more deph could of been added seeing it wasn't exactly a tear jerker, but still good all the same and only one or two mistakes (grammar wise) I could spot, not that I'm an expert in that field.

If you'd like, I can try to make a bigger review if you'd wish for it.

-Taokitty-
(xD Twas only a bit cheesy ^-^)

 

[soradude]

Well, i didn't want they backround to the story to be completely revealed, so it not supossed to have a bunch of depth to it, but thanks anyway!

 

[Thelonepickle]

Two paragraphs constitutes a fic now? That's incredibly short. How was the reader supposed to get involved with this story when there was absolutely no description or anything?

-They broke a rule.
-He got killed.
-She killed herself.

How am I supposed to dive into this story? I can honestly say I don't care about anything that happened in that fic, and you can't expect me to.

Two paragraphs. And a sentence. If that's a fic... Man.

 

[TheLastKnight]

It was pretty good. I kinda liked it, I guess

 

[soradude]

Thelonepickle, i understand what you are saying and I respect that, but I stated in the title that it was a oneshot, therefore it wasn't meant for the reader to become completly submerged in the details.

But hey...it's your opinion, i wrote, you replied, end of story... ^_^

 

[Ultima Star]

To me it was just..so beautiful..too bad I'm a romantic XD
Even though if it's short..I'm already

 

[I]

I agree with TLP... this story, even if it was supposed to be a one-shot, was slightly pathetic. Yes, it was supposed to be a sad situation, but nothing about it brought me any emotion. You could tell that by the situation, and your explaination of it that you wanted the reader to feel bad for Sora and Kairi, but you gave no reason for us to. Now, if you would have went into more detail and explained other aspects of the story better, then yes, it probably would have been quite a good one-shot. Until then, no.

 

[soradude]

Thank you, i'll try to do better next time

 

[snowdog]

I like it, but as Kya and TLP said, it's simply too short, even for a one-shot.

~<3

 

[Lycanthrope]

That took about 20 seconds to read...

Needs to be much longer, more descriptive, and interesting.

6/10