"Kingdom Hearts: Separate Destinies" Intro



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Howler

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"Destinies are never known, so they can change. Hearts are separate from one another, but they can beat as one. Being connected with other hearts determines our destiny." It all started with that day. I've always wished it was just a dream, and endless dream I would eventually wake up from. I'll never forgive myself for not saving him, I've failed. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. "Come on Kate! We're going to miss it!" Today there was going to be a celebration at the Plaza. Daybreak Town always has a little parade every year. But unfortunately we can't go. "No Muke, we have to report to Master Ladren. We can't be late! Don't want him to get angry," I responded. Muke looked at me with a look of disappointment on his face. I hated upsetting him, but training is very important. "I'm sorry Muke, but we need to train if we want to become Keyblade Masters. You, me, and the others. Maybe next year we can go." Muke nodded slowly. We turned around and headed down the path that led to the castle. The bell began to ring.
 

KingdomKey

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For an intro, this was really good! I'm really excited to see how Kate and Muke do during training. I'm curious if they use the powers of light, dawn, or darkness. And I'd love to see what happens next. Maybe Muke will be lucky and be able to go to the parade after all! Or maybe something bad will happen that'll require them to save everybody with their keyblades. (Assuming they're keyblade wielders.) Otherwise, I hope you write more! :D

A tiny word of advice: should you write more than a paragraph, please separate the paragraphs later on, so it's not a wall of text for me to read later on. xD
 

BlackOsprey

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Ah, what the heck. I've got time on my hands and nothing better to do, and although this passage is very short, I see a lot of ways this can be improved. Hope I don't seem like a backseat author~

So uh, first of all, even though it's short, this passage needs some indentions. Spacing. When you break up the text into paragraphs, not only is it easier on the readers' eyes, but it also helps with the flow of the story, too. It makes transitions a little less sudden and awkward.

"Destinies are never known, so they can change. Hearts are separate from one another, but they can beat as one. Being connected with other hearts determines our destiny."
Like, right here. I would start a new paragraph right after this, adding a space between that...

It all started with that day. I've always wished it was just a dream, and endless dream I would eventually wake up from. I'll never forgive myself for not saving him, I've failed. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.
...And this.

Though looking at this, you might either want to elaborate on this idea before launching into the rest of the story, or omit it altogether. It seems odd for someone to be talking like they're recalling past regrets, only for the narrative to abruptly abandon that angle and just start telling the story. Buuut if you feel like keeping it, it would be good to start a new paragraph there, too. Make the transition a bit smoother and all.

Oh yeah, you should always start a new paragraph after dialogue.

Muke looked at me with a look of disappointment on his face.
Maybe add a little more variety to your word choice. Take out the modifiers and nouns, and you're left with the phrase "looked with a look." Sounds kind of awkward, doesn't it? There're a lot of fancy ways to rephrase this, but the simplest would be to use another word for "looked." A thesaurus is your friend in these situations!

Anyhow, like KitKat said, it might be better if you posted more content than just one paragraph at once. Your story certainly isn't bad, but there's not really enough there for me to say with certainty that it's good, either. Keep the story coming, and I might have a stronger opinion later on.
 

Howler

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I'm on my PS3, soooo I can't do any of those things. I wanted it to be longer and separate them in paragraphs, but of course PS3 and yada yada. I wanted Muke to be included of course and the reason I didn't make it as long is because I still need to come up with the characters. The characters (Keyblade Wielders) are going to be my friends or others who wanted to be included, that's why Muke appears in it. xD And Kate is of course me. In real life, I'm referred to Katie for short of my name, but Kate also works. And this is my official first story I have made on the Forum. So I'm not experienced.
 

KingdomKey

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I'm on my PS3, soooo I can't do any of those things. I wanted it to be longer and separate them in paragraphs, but of course PS3 and yada yada. I wanted Muke to be included of course and the reason I didn't make it as long is because I still need to come up with the characters. The characters (Keyblade Wielders) are going to be my friends or others who wanted to be included, that's why Muke appears in it. xD And Kate is of course me. In real life, I'm referred to Katie for short of my name, but Kate also works. And this is my official first story I have made on the Forum. So I'm not experienced.
It's alright not to be an experienced writer. Think of your first story like a stepping stone. You'll improve over time. :) Furthermore, don't worry about it not being perfect, because I know being on a PS3 would make it harder to write in different formats. So what you've posted already is good enough for me, because it makes sense and it isn't in illegible to read.
 

Howler

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Alright, Part 2 of intro! (I know it's short, but oh well!)_________________ Muke and I finally arrived the castle. "Oh great, were late!" I thought. Walking through the doors, I noticed everyone was saluting in a row in front of the master. Everyone looked at us as me and Muke awkwardly rushed to the line to salute. Master Ladren was not pleased. "I'm sorry master, I know we're late again. Please forgive us," I choked. Master Ladren looked with a cold, blank stare that gave me chills. "I accept your apology. But promise me it won't happen again," he responded. I bowed my head down and Muke did the same. "Yes master."____________ After hours of training, the day finally ended for everyone to go home. "Man training is a killer!" Jazmyn exclaimed, stretching her arms out. "Well, that's how we're going to become keyblade masters," Kit responded. Jaz is a really great friend, but she often complains too much. Kit knows how to reason with people, it's a special gift of her's.
 

Howler

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Tanner ran up to us from behind which always surprises me. "Any of you planning on going to the festival?" he asked. Muke looked at me with his puppy eyes. "Well.....maybe," I spoke, glancing at Tanner. Tanner can sometimes be annoying, but I don't know why my heart beats a mile a minute everytime I see him. "Count me in!" Osprey shouted, coming from out of nowhere which startled me. "Wonder if we'll see Buffer, we haven't seen her in awhile," I thought. Tanner brushed his dark brown hair out of his face that matched his eyes and grinned. "Well, then everybody should come! Race ya!" he shouted. I can't ever back down a race. All of us began running to the castle doors that led outside. "Wait for me!!!!" Osprey yelled, trying to catch up to us.______ That night, I'll never forget. The night where it all began........
 

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Quite a few characters being introduced to the story! Which is really exciting because, I can already see some romance brewing for Kate and Tanner. Whereas, Osprey, Kit, Muke, and Jaz seem to be good friends with Kate. I'm curious what'll happen that very night Kate speaks of? ​Definitely mysterious! And it'll be worth finding out, when you post the next chapter of the story. :)
 

Howler

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Osprey, I wanted to include friends, so you're one of my lucky winners! Congrats! You're going to play an important role (just need to figure out what). And...yeah, *Cough* ....Tanner is someone I have a little crush on in real life, as long as 2-4 years. Don't tell him though! =>_
 

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Onto a short Part 3!__________ The moon set in the night sky with dozens of twinkling stars. The master always told us stories of how those stars are worlds, yet remain a secret. Tanner always was interested by them, saying he wants to travel to many different worlds one day. Me and my friends reach the plaza where the festival is held. The plaza was crowded with people and I try to walk through it. Then I realize I don't know where my friends are. "Kit?! Muke?! Osprey?! Anyone?!" I yelled. The only response I got was a scream. Then another. Next thing I knew, everyone in the plaza was screaming and running away. I look around the plaza searching for any of my friends. Then I looked over to see Tanner in the middle of the plaza, standing very still. "Tanner! There you are! I was about to worr-." I realize something isn't right. I freeze from where I stood, afraid to get any closer. He turns around to face me with a devilish grin. His eyes looked different, like they were glowing almost.
 

Howler

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"Hmph, your friend is no more," he responded coldly. I try to run towards him, but he disappears in black flames before I reach him. I stand where he once stood, looking up at the stars above me feeling cold fear rise in my bones. "Tanner?....." I choked. I look over to see Osprey running towards me. "What happened?! Where did you go?!" she asked. "Same question I'd like to ask you!" I responded. "Well we all got ice cream," she hands me a blue ice cream stick "it's called Seasalt ice cream. You need to try this!" I hand it back to her. I notice Muke and the rest approaching us. "No! We need to find Tanner, something's wrong and he's gone!" I yelled, remembering the memory of Tanner with that grin. "We have to tell Master Ladren about this, come on!" Kit announced. We all began running down the path that led to the castle. "Well, more ice cream for me!" Osprey cheered, putting the ice cream in her mouth and began running.
 

Howler

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Part 4! Enjoy!___________ I felt my heart pounding in my chest and my ears as we began to reach the entrance of the castle. With me and all my friend's strength, we managed to break down the locked door that led inside. As me and my friend's quickly stepped inside, we noticed a figure was laying on the ground in the dark room. "Master Ladren!" I shrieked. Each of us began to panic as we raced over to him, he was unconscious. "What do we do now?" Jaz cried, having a worried expression across her face. Before I could respond, Jazmyn cried when something big from behind her collided with her back as she flew in the air and fell on the hard pavement unconscious. "JAZ!" we all screamed. We turn around to face a beast ten times the size we were. A black beast with a heart-shaped hole in its chest and glowing eyes that looked like the same glowing eyes Tanner had. "Everyone, battle up!" I yelled. Each of us summoned our keyblades and prepared for what we were about to face.
 

KingdomKey

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I'm greatly amused by Osprey enjoying her ice cream instead of feeling too concerned about what's going on in the plaza. I'm curious what happened to Tanner. The fact he wasn't himself and disappeared in flames intrigues me. Including the chaos that erupted during the festival. Hmm, seems like it was on purpose for Katie to be separated from everybody else. I wonder what'll happen next, once they report to Master Ladren? I eagerly look forward to finding out. :D
 

Howler

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Before we even had a chance to fight, the creature had grabbed all my friends with its gigantic claws except me. Everyone cried and tried to release themselves from the monster's grasp. I began to charge after the beast until a figure appeared before me. It was Tanner. His eyes weren't glowing. "Kate..." Tanner said softly. I didn't even move until something fast shot straight into my heart. I gasped at the pain, holding my chest as I look up to see Tanner's gone. My body began to crumble as I fell backwards, not being able to feel my legs. I felt like time itself had stop as I begin to lose sight. I helplessly try to stay wake and hear my friends screaming in agony. I could only do was reach my right arm out towards my friends. The last thing I heard was my friends screaming, "SOMEONE HELP US!" And everything went dark.
 

BlackOsprey

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"Well, more ice cream for me!" Osprey cheered, putting the ice cream in her mouth and began running.
lol, that seems like something I would do.

And... yeesh, did something just rip Katie's heart out? Or at least severely damage it? 'Cause getting an attack right to the heart and having your physical form crumble in response usually means only one thing.
 

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(Trying to hurry and finish intro ^_^') Enjoy Part 5! ________ I woke up to find myself in a dark place, standing on what appears to be a cathedral which me and my friends appear on. "Do not be afraid" a voice called. I jumped as hearing the voice started me. "Who's there? Where's my friends?" I whispered, having the memory of them being strangled by that creature. "Your friends are safe. Well....except one." I gasped, knowing who it was. "What happened to Tanner?" I cried, beginning to lose my patience. "He let darkness enter his heart. I'm afraid he is already in the process of being consumed by it." the voice answered. "No...h-he would never do that! Tanner...." I felt pain in my heart and a lump in my throat. I lost all hope until I heard the words: "But there is a way of saving him."
 

Howler

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I look up quickly, feeling that there still is hope. "How do I save him?" I questioned. "By changing his fate," the voice answered "change his fate, before it's too late. Don't let him be completely consumed by darkness. Change his destiny." I look up, understanding my task. "Alright. Thank you." I responded.____________The End of Intro! :D (PS. Osprey, this is considered a Disney story. So no, I would not make it to where I died! xD)
 

BlackOsprey

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(PS. Osprey, this is considered a Disney story. So no, I would not make it to where I died! xD)
Heh, I know of a Disney story that opened with these words: "This is the story of how I died." You can never be too sure. =w=
 

Howler

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Hey, but Flynn never technically "dies" (sort of)! Would I make a story to where I would die? Would you? xD
 
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