Angels of the Apocalypse: Wayward Son



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Eternal Dream

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As we all know, nano's done with their November challenge, but that doesn't mean that the creative juices have stopped pumping. Considering the community we have on here, I'd like to start posting what I had been working on for the challenge. I want your critique, both good and bad. I want to know what can stand as is, and what needs to be fixed up. Do NOT be gentle; be as harsh as you want while still providing constructive criticism. I admit I'm leery of putting this story up, I'll admit. Let's face it peeps; the internet isn't exactly the safest place to put stuff with no copyright on it up thanks to those with no scruples, and I'm NOT saying that that statement applies to any of you, so please, abandon that thought here and now. We all work too hard at our craft to try and lift the work of a friend and pass it off as our own. However, I value your opinions, and I'd like your input, ideas, and speculations so I know what to change and to see if it helps me get a few more ideas on how to direct this story and keep it going.

Now that the requisite BS is out of the way, a quick, very poorly done overview that doesn't do the idea justice:

Spoiler Spoiler Show


And now, the first part of the story!

Spoiler Spoiler Show


This part is actually kind of old, so it needs an overhaul. I was going to fix it up after I got further into the story, but if you have any opinions on it, let me know, please. So, critique and review, and hopefully I can keep this story going for a bit!
 

KingdomKey

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No problem. I can definitely critique and review this!

Critiquing Intro:

After the death of his mother, Rhys, his father, his cousin, and three younger brothers move back to the small Carolina town that the Hunters left when Rhys was eight.

Busy with helping his brothers to cope with the loss of their mother and the addition of their cousin
You made their cousin abruptly dead was kind of surprising, when you made the cousin sound alive in the beginning. I'd suggest changing the starting of the sentence to this, "After the death of his mother and cousin, Rhys, his father, and three younger brothers move back to the small Carolina town that the Hunters left when Rhys was eight."

One of the things that's different is the addition of the girl Lillian Frost and her family to the town. Busy with helping his brothers to cope with the loss of their mother and the addition of their cousin, Rhys just wants to use the occasional down time to practice his archery.
I wouldn't of used addition twice, because you just introduced the readers to Lillian Frost and her family. I think you could've of went further into explanation with Lillian and her family before mentioning the unfortunate deaths in Rhys family. Or perhaps working it into that sentence somehow the first time.

Fun Review: You have a really strong intro. I wouldn't change too much of it, because it instantly grabs readers and hooks them in. I'd like to know the circumstances of the deaths in Rhys family, considering that got my immediate attention. I also happen to like how you threw in Lillian Frost and her family! It creates a bigger picture to the story and shows off Rhys personality towards girls in general; something that could be expanded upon and worked with. Therefore, I like what I've read of it thus far.

Critiquing Story:

All of it, from the gun’s report to the girl’s cries, wove together in a harmony
You don't really need the "a" there. Sounds okay without it.

He felt no remorse; indeed, he took great pleasure in the thought that the boy would soon be no more an obstacle than the dirt beneath his heel.
"no more 'of' an obstacle"

He felt a curl come to his lips as the corner of his mouth lifted in a lazy smirk.
You can leave it as in, but when I read the line, "into" came to mind.

He raised the gun again, a look of cold blue fire blazing in dead eyes.
I have two different thoughts about this in particular. You could've of given the first half of the sentence a period at the end instead of a comma, because it feels like the second half could of been an opening to a whole new sentence that could be added onto. Having much more impact. My second thought was that it's clear for some readers that the guy with gun has that look in his eyes. But you could also add, "a look of cold blue fire blazing in his dead eyes."

However, you could also leave this sentence in alone. Just food for thought.

Slowly, he began to apply gentle, almost loving pressure against the trigger…
"gently"

The "almost loving pressure" sounds off to me. I know it's more poetic and dramatic, but it doesn't read well. I've tried reading it three times and it bugs me. Unless you change it into this, "Slowly, he began to apply gently, almost loving 'the' pressure against the trigger..."

Fun Review: This kind of sounds like a different story compared to what the intro described. I could see this being an introduction to a new character that causes problems for the heroine and hero of the story. Or even an outlook of future events that ends in the demise of Rhys and Lillian. But what I love about this beginning is that it's sinister, it's dark, and wicked in all of the right ways. Almost itching to read more, you know? You gave this demon a really great lift off. I loved how you described the usage of a gun. Something so mundane that takes down a human being. Furthermore, the way you mention the demon wrestling with the body that he's stolen as well. I hope to read more of this soon, Dream.
 

Eternal Dream

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@Light: Why am I not surprised you'd say that, mister?

@Sugar: Thanks for the critique. I don't usually do too well with overviews, because I can never seem to do the story justice when I try to give a quick blurb. Thanks for pointing that thing out with Rhys' cousin. Actually, she's supposed to be alive and living with the Hunters in the story, so the conflict between her being alive at the beginning of the synopsis and then sounding as if she's dead towards the end needs to get fixed. Again, thanks for pointing that out.

The story's actually a bit of an urban fantasy, is what I think you'd call it. It's set in the real world, and magic's going to be slowly introduced into the setting, unless you think the fantasy element needs to be introduced sooner so that readers don't get confused by that? And yeah, the prologue is actually a fast forward into the climax of the story; the first chapter's going to be set a couple months before hand. Thanks for the review; I haven't really worked on that since I wrote it a year ago, and my writing's actually shifted a lot since then, and the demon's also changed even in just the last month. Thanks for giving me some stuff to chew on!

@In general: I'll see about having the next chapter up in a day or two. In the meantime, I need to get to class. Again, thanks a lot, guys!
 

Eternal Dream

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Sorry guys, I gotta do this to you. It's the requisite start up/high school setting chapter. Please hang tight; this one seems a bit messy to me, and will probably be seeing a huge overhaul in the future.

Spoiler Spoiler Show


Again, review, comments, questions, concerns, likes, dislikes, and the whole shebang. And I'm probably not updating again until around the end of the year, for three reasons. One, while I might have other scenes written up for the story, those scenes are out of sequence; I have to get the next chapter written up for this, although I do have an idea for what I want it to be. Two, I've got college finals in the next couple of weeks, and I've got a little catching up to do on some homework. Finally, Christmas contest! I've got a couple of stories I want to write for the contest, so I'm probably going to be focusing on that one. However, I can give you a little sneak-peek into the next chapter by saying that you finally get to meet Rhys' brothers. So, until then, later peeps!
 

Kingdomkeylight

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Steven rolled his eyes from side to side, taking in the cafeteria around them as he said, “Better hope you don’t get Sawyer for lit, Rhys. That class drags on enough as it is, and he makes it just about as interesting as watching paint dry. How’ve you been since I saw you in history?”
HAAAAA I see what you did their very old school reference of you missy x3.

Any who I loved the chapter quite honestly, and I am not saying that to be nice x3. You immediately pulled me in with the beginning with emotions of joy, and then kept me antsy with anticipation upon the feel of regret, and sorrow with the first bit. As for the school scene tis to be expected a requirement when using a modern time frame along with younger adolescent characters, but as boring as it can be it was fun to read. I enjoyed the small humor between Rhys and Steven, and the references to the younger brothers has me beaming with curiosity from what mischief they will get everyone into in future chapters.

However, though way early to call I believe Lily is going to be my favorite character in this tale just do to the great feel of writing you produce even when she is minutely involved. I expect great things from here on out x3... and dear souls this is the longest post I have done for a review XD.
 

KingdomKey

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Fun Review: Boy, can you tell a great story with fun and fascinating characters, Dream. Already, I'm attached to Rhys with his observant personality and sarcastic mouth. Steven seems like the fun one in the duo with an upbeat personality. Which compliments Rhys a great deal. I really love the way you introduced Lily into the scene. Including the way she looks with her sketchbook and red hoodie. Not a lot of people can create that kind of flow. I was eager to read more until I hit the end of the chapter again. And in regards to Lily, I was completely blindsided. I had no idea this was a reoccurring nightmare for her to deal with. Tons of baggage. LOVED IT!

Critiquing Time!

The second half of the chapter checked out fine. But the first half of the chapter had some hiccups. I think you can get away with some of it; but these sentences in particular are what stuck out to me the most. Thus making me do a double take to read them over again multiple times. Not sure if I got everything I wanted to critique. Anyhow, I'm good with however you take this, and take it with a grain of salt. x3

Uh, you’re crazy? You wouldn’t be caught dead as a drag queen; you’d be dragged off for one of those mascara commercials!”
Maybe "your" instead of "you're"? Kind of hard to tell with this one.

Second option: "Un, are you crazy? You wouldn't be caught dead as a drag queen; you'd be dragged off for one of those mascara commercials!"

“We’re looking to have good costumes, a great time and maybe win the costume contest, not get me expelled. And dominatrix? Too kinky, expulsion guaranteed, I can’t believe you’d even suggest it. Next! And be serious about it this time!”
^ This kind of feels like a run on sentence.

"We're looking to have good costumes, a great time, and maybe win the costume contest. Not get me expelled!"

They’d been out looking for the perfect Halloween costumes all day, and while there had been several contenders, none of them had the Goldilocks feeling of “just right.”
"They've"

Besides, I see the look on your face; you do like it!”
"Besides, I can see the look on your face; you do like it!"

A look of triumph passed on his face when she said the “R” word; he knew she was sold on the idea, and he wasn’t about to let the victory slide. “So, what now?”
"the" should be changed into "that".

The whole sentence sounds awkward, when I try to read it. So I took this portion out to point it out. The only other option is to make a new sentence like this, "he knew she was sold on the idea. And he wasn't about to let that victory slide."

Home, unfortunately. It’s too late as of now for any of the good stores to be open tonight, and I have that sketch I wanted to make sure is done before I turn it in, in the morning.”
You're missing a comma.

^ This does sound slightly off to me. However you could get away with it. But I posted the alternative below.

"And I have that sketch I wanted to finish before I turn it in, in the morning."
 
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Eternal Dream

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Holy f.... it's been FOREVER since the last update! I'm really hoping that it won't take this long again, and also that this isn't an unintentional April Fool's joke, too. But here's the next chapter, and I'm gonna try to have a new one up by the end of the month/early next month. *runs away to avoid the rocks she knows she totally deserves*

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I was debating on if I should include a scene I have planned to try to make this chapter longer, because it seems a little short, or save the scene for it's own chapter. Kinda decided to go with the later. Anyway, homework time!
 

KingdomKey

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I really liked this chapter a lot, because I got a good laugh out of Tony and Zack. Seriously, I enjoyed reading it a lot! It flowed nicely every step of the way. I wish I could describe it in better terms, because this chapter certainly deserves it. And I really like the way Rhys and Ms. Honeycutt interacted about the a certain situation a lot too, because it felt real. Great chapter as always, Dream! Well worth the wait!
 
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