I have a problem, which I've had for as long as I can remember, and it's difficult to explain but if any of you could help me, I'd be so grateful.
Okay, so, let me outline. I think I'm emotionally disconnected. Not completely, but probably near it. The thought that brought this up is that two months ago my partner who was also one of my best friends was killed during Operation Panther's Claw in Afghanistan. Now obviously, I should have felt sad or upset, but it was something different. It was like disbelief, and a painful, wrenching sensation in my chest, but it wasn't sadness. It was more like overwhelming grief but I couldn't really feel it. It was like ghosts of emotion or something, something that I didn't feel, but something my conscience was reminding me of. Reminding me of how it should feel. This is just an example of my problem. I might have to get all poetic to describe this so I'm sorry if I end up sounding cliché'd to shit.
Whenever I feel an emotion, it's not really an emotion, so to speak. It's like a hollow echo somewhere inside me, like a memory of an emotion that causes me to hurt, but in a more physical and psychological way than an emotional way. Sometimes it can be so bad that I can literally feel a faint wrench in my heart, but the emotional back-up isn't there. When I have these experiences, the faint wrench is like a yearning of some sort. A longing for something, but what that 'something' is, I don't know. I know it sounds stupid, but I think it's a yearning for a heart. You see, over the past eleven years, I've had a lot of horrendous experiences that have hardened me, so to speak, but in exchange for being more and more insusceptible to being emotionally hurt, I feel like my entire emotional core has gradually been shut down over the years, worsening with each bad experience I've had. I feel hollow inside, in a way, incapable of really feeling anything past overwhelming grief, but even that overwhelming grief lies a lot.
For example; say if I watch a sad film, I can feel that sadness, but it's like, this hollow takes it and thins it out to fill itself in, and in doing that I feel the emotion ten times than I normally would, but it's like... fake. A fake emotion felt by my head, not my heart. I know it sounds contradictory to fuck but I can't explain it in any other way. My behaviour also indicates some things. I don't give a shit about most people, can't withstand people in general, couldn't care less about certain situations and problems and things that would shock and offend people don't do anything to me. It's like I'm unbiased. Just standing in a world and watching things happen and I don't understand any of it because I don't have the emotional set-up for it.
I know I'm not good at explaining things, and so I thought I'd include a reply in the OP that is a good summary of what I'm trying to say.
So, what's wrong with me?
Okay, so, let me outline. I think I'm emotionally disconnected. Not completely, but probably near it. The thought that brought this up is that two months ago my partner who was also one of my best friends was killed during Operation Panther's Claw in Afghanistan. Now obviously, I should have felt sad or upset, but it was something different. It was like disbelief, and a painful, wrenching sensation in my chest, but it wasn't sadness. It was more like overwhelming grief but I couldn't really feel it. It was like ghosts of emotion or something, something that I didn't feel, but something my conscience was reminding me of. Reminding me of how it should feel. This is just an example of my problem. I might have to get all poetic to describe this so I'm sorry if I end up sounding cliché'd to shit.
Whenever I feel an emotion, it's not really an emotion, so to speak. It's like a hollow echo somewhere inside me, like a memory of an emotion that causes me to hurt, but in a more physical and psychological way than an emotional way. Sometimes it can be so bad that I can literally feel a faint wrench in my heart, but the emotional back-up isn't there. When I have these experiences, the faint wrench is like a yearning of some sort. A longing for something, but what that 'something' is, I don't know. I know it sounds stupid, but I think it's a yearning for a heart. You see, over the past eleven years, I've had a lot of horrendous experiences that have hardened me, so to speak, but in exchange for being more and more insusceptible to being emotionally hurt, I feel like my entire emotional core has gradually been shut down over the years, worsening with each bad experience I've had. I feel hollow inside, in a way, incapable of really feeling anything past overwhelming grief, but even that overwhelming grief lies a lot.
For example; say if I watch a sad film, I can feel that sadness, but it's like, this hollow takes it and thins it out to fill itself in, and in doing that I feel the emotion ten times than I normally would, but it's like... fake. A fake emotion felt by my head, not my heart. I know it sounds contradictory to fuck but I can't explain it in any other way. My behaviour also indicates some things. I don't give a shit about most people, can't withstand people in general, couldn't care less about certain situations and problems and things that would shock and offend people don't do anything to me. It's like I'm unbiased. Just standing in a world and watching things happen and I don't understand any of it because I don't have the emotional set-up for it.
I know I'm not good at explaining things, and so I thought I'd include a reply in the OP that is a good summary of what I'm trying to say.
KHFanatic4565 said:Your emotions have burned out. Over the years, you've probably been through a nightmare. Things that people should not have to experience. Added that from, what I am guessing, is a fragile emotional disposition, and you have emptiness. Incapable of truly feeling anything real. Am I right?
Emotion is wild, like an ocean's currents during a storm. Your feelings are muted, echoes of what was once there.
So, what's wrong with me?
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