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What does the Devil do?



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Solar

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When I was a young boy, I liked blaming everything wrong in my life upon other people. It was nice to live in my bubble, not cause any trouble. For my failures in moral decisions, I liked to blame the Devil, I said the Devil liked to pick on weak spots and exploit them. I was wrong. When I was an older boy, my father told me I was wrong, the Devil did not pick on your weaknesses, but on your strengths. Every man, when he does something wrong, it is because of his strengths, my father explained. People are extremely protective of their weaknesses, but they pay no attention to their strengths, he continued to say. Hitler was a great speaker, his strength was exploited, Stalin had a talent for magic tricks, he was exploited, too. The adolescent who pushed me down the other day, he was fooled as well. I walked outside for a long time, thinking about what my father said. There is this small bridge I like to sit on, where there is me and my thoughts for company.

I was silent for some time. I was silent for a long time. Years past, but I still sat on that bridge. One day, I had some company. The Devil was there, and I asked him what he did. He was suprised and told me he didn't do anything. He took some honey out of his coat pocket, and smeared it on a nearby tree. A fly came to the tree, but was stuck upon it. A lizard came and ate the fly. The lizard's tongue was stuck to the tree. The lizard struggled and managed to escape, but it was frightened and scurried around. The lizard came at Man's foot, and I stomped on it. The Devil ate the carcass, and said: "Now tell me sir, what did I do?"

"O thou, who didst with pifall and with gin
Beset the road I was to wander in,
Thou wilt not predestin'd evil round
Enmesh, and then impute my fall to sin."
 
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Solar

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This is my first time here, and this is the first time I wrote in this style, so COMMENT.
 

Taokitty

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I have to say your strongest point here is your philosophical message/moral. It is nice to record such things, and to get perhaps the readers to muse such things. It's a good start as a writer (even if I am not a big fan when it comes to religion) with a theme set, and some good examples (with Hitler, Stalin, etc. I suppose you could say pride may have been the root of their sins, in the end).

Good sentence structure in general. ^_^

Now, what's good to ask yourself at this point is what mood are you trying to convey? Are you just trying to give a quick overview to the characters, or do you want us to feel the scenery where the boy was? Was the bridge nostalgic in anyway? Did he go there to watch the sun burn and die for the day to be reborn again? What caused his musing? What went through his mind? Was the honey sickly sweet, a fine temptation to any fly, yet having too much would surely kill you? I definately say you have a good structure and idea, and could definately expand more on the scenery, surrondings, etc. ^_^

You have potential Chocobo_King, and I want you to exploit it (yes, yes, long as it be only you and not your Devil Chocobo_King :p ) and to flesh out the words as fully as possible, because we want to hear you do your best hun. ^_^

Hoped this helped in an... oddish... way... o__O I just quickly wrote this, so I could try being extremely meticolous about every detail and what you did extremely good and what I know you will expand and improve on, but I believe that would become so specialized/mechanical, it would be pointless because all meaning would be lost. xD

Anyways, I hope this helped you in some way hun and who knows; mayhaps I will read more of what you write. ^_^

Merry Christmas! ^0^

-Taokitty-
 

Solar

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The whole thing was inspired by Animal Farm actually, in the sense that everything was practically allergorical
 

Solar

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Yes I will use it in one of my major works, I am also writing something similar in style called "What if the Sun fell in love with the Moon." I want to write many books, but most of them are very fictional, so one of them will be a realistic fiction called "Sparks." Animal Farm is a classic which I highly recomnend, also by the same author, a book called "1984". Here's an excerpt from "Sparks."
" So then I looked at the Moon, and the Moon was gazing back.
I smiled at the Moon, and she smiled back,
then, I saw sparks."
Heres a hint if you want to figure it out, the main character says at one point:
"If perfection doesn't exist, then my beloved is but a dream. Beautiful, glorious, and timeless, yet a dream. Dreams are fleeting and so are their memories, that is why I refuse to stop dreaming...dreaming of that one, perfect day."
EDIT: I just re-read it, and I really should go into details.
 
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Siren

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While I enjoyed the narrator's sense of voice, I found myself wishing that the sentences would be more spread out; more paragraphs, etc. Your message is one that was pretty clear, and I feel as if this could be a good intro to a bigger piece. Unfortunately I don't feel as if there is much left to comment on, so I'm perplexed that you requested critique on this piece; Taokitty did a pretty good job of giving you feedback.
 

Solar

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She did, but I wanted something more specific, that said I will rewrite this and try to add more.
 
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