The passing of my father



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VodkaOptic

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Hello all, it's been a while since I posted here.

I'm struggling to cope with the recent death of my dad, which happened yesterday. I'm absolutely heartbroken, and devastated. He had been suffering for so long with dementia and couldn't move around. Everything about this has been so hard to deal with. I've never had to go through anything like this before. My mom is really hurt and I've never, ever seen her cry until now. We're all struggling so much with this and I don't know how to cope.

On top of this we're really struggling to get finances for the funeral, and all I can do is make a gofundme in hopes that people will help us out. If you're interested in donating or sharing: https://www.gofundme.com/73qycx-funeral-fund-for-my-dad we will really appreciate any help you can give us in this difficult time.

I really just wanted to share my feelings and get some emotional support from my favourite community. One thing I'm really sad about is that he never lived to see me enjoy the game I've been waiting to play for so long, or that he never lived to see me marry my fiance, or even see me finish college...

Sorry for the downer. I appreciate you all and hope nothing like this happens to any of you any time soon.
 

FudgemintGuardian

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I can never find the right words in situations like this, but my thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
 

Howler

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Sadly I have lost someone too on Friday, it was a very close friend of my family.
But a father is much more, I'm sorry that you lost someone too this weekend. I cannot donate as my family is struggling, but I will send my prayers to you and your family.
 

StrawberryTea

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I'm so sorry. I just happened across your post. I'm currently losing my Grandmother to dementia plus a host of other things. She's very near the end. She raised me from when I was a baby, so although she's not a parent, losing her will feel like I've lost a parent.

All I can say is to go easy on yourself. Be gentle with yourself. You'll be feeling a lot of different emotions and they could rock back and forth at the drop of a dime. Remember whatever you feel is valid.

User Gsnow on Reddit wrote a beautiful post on grief. I printed it out and taped it to my wall. I hope it might give you some comfort as it has for me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/my_friend_just_died_i_dont_know_what_to_do/c1u0rx2/

Sending you warm heartfelt wishes.

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
 

SoulXaldin

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I’m really sorry to hear that. My grandma has got problems with dementia too. She can’t do things on her own and seeing her in the state she’s in is really hard to watch. I can’t imagine how bad it must’ve been for you and your family.
 
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