Good update! I look forward to where you go with this.
Might just be you Lectori, it was fine for me too.
Might just be you Lectori, it was fine for me too.
Fanfiction ► The Grey Wars - Book One of the Tales of the West Series
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Very nice story, Jub Jub. I like the details and the all around... well, greatness of it. Your writing skills are great!!
Note: In the first chapter, when you wrote "lobstered hand", I immediately thought of Davy Jones. I wonder why that happened...
Note: In the first chapter, when you wrote "lobstered hand", I immediately thought of Davy Jones. I wonder why that happened...
Lolz, thanks Davy Jones, Ruler of the Ocean Depths.. :toungesmile:
hmm yeah it makes me wonder a bit..hmmm..lolz..:toungesmile:
I'll have the next chappie up but I'm leaning towards putting up a kind of char. bio for more info ont he chars. seen thus far in the chapters or told of..hmm..
hmm yeah it makes me wonder a bit..hmmm..lolz..:toungesmile:
I'll have the next chappie up but I'm leaning towards putting up a kind of char. bio for more info ont he chars. seen thus far in the chapters or told of..hmm..
Dude you can't be that good of a writer with that voice but you are....HOW CAN YOU BE THAT GOOD OF A WRITER?????????????????????
I'm just good at writing jk jk;
It just takes time, practice, and reading. Lots and lots and lots of reading;
And here's the characters seen thus far!
I'll be updating every now and then as the story goes along, mainly as a way to help people out to understand who's doing what, etc etc;
Plus the background information gives a small insight into what the characters will do, think, feel, etc;
Characters:
Fenrir Twizen - Present - day Lord of Castle Wolven and the Isle of Wolves; Called The Wolf Prince by both allies and adversaries;
Puppet- Loyal bodyguard to Fenrir Twizen, called The Pale Assassin; member of the Seven;
Xanos Feris - Called The Arsonit for his love of fire, equaled only by that of his master; traitor to the White Army in the early days of the Grey Wars II, resulting in the first crushing blow to the White Riders under the leadership of Lord Leiros Yral, resulting in his death;
Kalios Kator - General of the Westernesse Regiment during the crusades on the Czarian Empire and during the Plague Years and Flight From Valirya; lead the likes of Lord Viktor Twizen, Ser Arthurian Daune, Prince Lewyn Martill; Founder and builder of Castle Wolven on the Isle of Wolves as his seat of power;
Carcaroth - Once known as Kalios Kator, he took the name the wildings near his seat of power gave him, muttering something of the General of the Westernesse Regiment as being dead since the Flight From Valirya; Led the Westernesse Regiment, now the Fenix Legion, to the Battle of the Grey Tower, and came to the aid of long-time friend Viktor Twizen, still on the run from Drakos Viral's men.
Crossed blades during the battle with his old officers Ser Arthurian Daune and Prince Lewyn Martill; Tales say he spat in The White Knight's face and dealt the final blow to The Knight of the Sun, and finished off Lewyn Martill with a spear blow to the chest; Had Ser Arthurian and Prince Lewyn buried in Castle Wolven Cemetery after the Grey Wars I ended;
Named The Warg Knight for his love of wolves since he sighted them off the coast of the Isle of Wolves; He is said to have rode upon the back of the largest one, Wulf, throughout the Grey Wars I, and during the Battle of the Grey Tower; He went on to achieve victory and a country of his own to co-found with Lord Viktor Twizen, The Grey Republique;
Viktor Twizen - Sergeant in the Westernesse Regiment during the Czarian Crusades; Went East with the Westernesse Regiment after the fall of Valirya to The Plague; Planned and built Miras Xarus for Drakos Viral for homage in the newly formed White Kingdom; Developed the Parssus Arkos, and became immortal, sentenced for death on charges of attempted poisoning by Drakos Viral and left Miras Xarus, heading for The Isle of Wolves;
Met up with long-time friend Kalios Kator, now Carcaroth, during the Battle of the Grey Tower, held Khar-druzil Pass against thousands alone; Called The Grey Wolf after the Battle of the Grey Tower for using sorcerous powers and becoming a wolf in human shape; Began the Grey Line, and lived for several years in Wolfen Tower in Castle Wolven, eventually said to disappear one day while looking out at Ice Bay, on the eastern edge of the Isle of Wolves;
Arthurian Daune - Became a knight ere his induction into the Westernesse Regiment, and became a Lieutenant; Fought in the Czarian Crusades, and was named The Knight of the Sun for his valor during the Siege of Hhar-zin Burg; went East with the Westernesse Regiment when Valyria fell to The Plague under the advice of fellow Lieutenant Lewyn Martill; became Commander of the White Riders, and fell to his old commander Kalios Kator, now named Carcaroth, in the Battle of the Grey Tower.
Ser Arthurian Daune was buried in Castle Wolven Cemetery with full military honors, despite his allegiance to Drakos Viral. Lewyn Martill was buried alongside him.
Lewyn Martill - Lieutenant in the Westernesse Regiment, and friend to Ser Arthurian Daune; Named The White Knight for his wearing of white mithrilian armor; Fought in the Czarian Crusades; Persuaded Arthurian Daune to go with the Westernesse Regiment East after the Fall of Valirya to The Plague; Was given the lands south of the White Kingdom in return for loyalty to the White Crown, which became the land of Dorn; Built his seat of Sunspeare ere his arrival at Miras Xarus to train the raw recruits to fight in the Grey Wars I; Fell to The Warg Knight in the Battle of the Grey Tower.
Lewyn Martill was the first Prince of Dorn, and was buried with full military honors, alongside his long-time friend. Arthurian Daune.
Drakos Viral - named The 'Greedy Lizard' for his lust of the lands north of him, then the newly formed Grey Republique, that he had given Kalios Kator nearly ten years before the Grey Wars I; First and only White Lord of the Viral family; Accepted the loyalty of Kalios Kator and his Westernesse Regiment ere their entrance into present-day White Kingdom territory;
Had Viktor Twizen charged for execution for attempted murder, and sent the White Army out to hunt down the Grey Wolf, led by Ser Arthurian Daune and Prince Lewyn Martill; Closed the gates of Miras Xarus to the Westernesse Regiment, then the Fenix Legion, resulting in the collapse of the North Wall;
Drakos Viral's life ended the same day as Miras Xarus was taken, as The Warg Knight ripped The Greedy Lizard's head off wearing his old Westernesse Regiment armor, and stuck the head of the crazed tyrant on his spear.
Ser Rayn Viral - cousin to present-day Lord of the White Kingdom Regias Viral; called The Unfearing Dragonlord for his valor in battle years past; now a prisioner of The Wolf Prince;
It just takes time, practice, and reading. Lots and lots and lots of reading;
And here's the characters seen thus far!
I'll be updating every now and then as the story goes along, mainly as a way to help people out to understand who's doing what, etc etc;
Plus the background information gives a small insight into what the characters will do, think, feel, etc;
Characters:
Fenrir Twizen - Present - day Lord of Castle Wolven and the Isle of Wolves; Called The Wolf Prince by both allies and adversaries;
Puppet- Loyal bodyguard to Fenrir Twizen, called The Pale Assassin; member of the Seven;
Xanos Feris - Called The Arsonit for his love of fire, equaled only by that of his master; traitor to the White Army in the early days of the Grey Wars II, resulting in the first crushing blow to the White Riders under the leadership of Lord Leiros Yral, resulting in his death;
Kalios Kator - General of the Westernesse Regiment during the crusades on the Czarian Empire and during the Plague Years and Flight From Valirya; lead the likes of Lord Viktor Twizen, Ser Arthurian Daune, Prince Lewyn Martill; Founder and builder of Castle Wolven on the Isle of Wolves as his seat of power;
Carcaroth - Once known as Kalios Kator, he took the name the wildings near his seat of power gave him, muttering something of the General of the Westernesse Regiment as being dead since the Flight From Valirya; Led the Westernesse Regiment, now the Fenix Legion, to the Battle of the Grey Tower, and came to the aid of long-time friend Viktor Twizen, still on the run from Drakos Viral's men.
Crossed blades during the battle with his old officers Ser Arthurian Daune and Prince Lewyn Martill; Tales say he spat in The White Knight's face and dealt the final blow to The Knight of the Sun, and finished off Lewyn Martill with a spear blow to the chest; Had Ser Arthurian and Prince Lewyn buried in Castle Wolven Cemetery after the Grey Wars I ended;
Named The Warg Knight for his love of wolves since he sighted them off the coast of the Isle of Wolves; He is said to have rode upon the back of the largest one, Wulf, throughout the Grey Wars I, and during the Battle of the Grey Tower; He went on to achieve victory and a country of his own to co-found with Lord Viktor Twizen, The Grey Republique;
Viktor Twizen - Sergeant in the Westernesse Regiment during the Czarian Crusades; Went East with the Westernesse Regiment after the fall of Valirya to The Plague; Planned and built Miras Xarus for Drakos Viral for homage in the newly formed White Kingdom; Developed the Parssus Arkos, and became immortal, sentenced for death on charges of attempted poisoning by Drakos Viral and left Miras Xarus, heading for The Isle of Wolves;
Met up with long-time friend Kalios Kator, now Carcaroth, during the Battle of the Grey Tower, held Khar-druzil Pass against thousands alone; Called The Grey Wolf after the Battle of the Grey Tower for using sorcerous powers and becoming a wolf in human shape; Began the Grey Line, and lived for several years in Wolfen Tower in Castle Wolven, eventually said to disappear one day while looking out at Ice Bay, on the eastern edge of the Isle of Wolves;
Arthurian Daune - Became a knight ere his induction into the Westernesse Regiment, and became a Lieutenant; Fought in the Czarian Crusades, and was named The Knight of the Sun for his valor during the Siege of Hhar-zin Burg; went East with the Westernesse Regiment when Valyria fell to The Plague under the advice of fellow Lieutenant Lewyn Martill; became Commander of the White Riders, and fell to his old commander Kalios Kator, now named Carcaroth, in the Battle of the Grey Tower.
Ser Arthurian Daune was buried in Castle Wolven Cemetery with full military honors, despite his allegiance to Drakos Viral. Lewyn Martill was buried alongside him.
Lewyn Martill - Lieutenant in the Westernesse Regiment, and friend to Ser Arthurian Daune; Named The White Knight for his wearing of white mithrilian armor; Fought in the Czarian Crusades; Persuaded Arthurian Daune to go with the Westernesse Regiment East after the Fall of Valirya to The Plague; Was given the lands south of the White Kingdom in return for loyalty to the White Crown, which became the land of Dorn; Built his seat of Sunspeare ere his arrival at Miras Xarus to train the raw recruits to fight in the Grey Wars I; Fell to The Warg Knight in the Battle of the Grey Tower.
Lewyn Martill was the first Prince of Dorn, and was buried with full military honors, alongside his long-time friend. Arthurian Daune.
Drakos Viral - named The 'Greedy Lizard' for his lust of the lands north of him, then the newly formed Grey Republique, that he had given Kalios Kator nearly ten years before the Grey Wars I; First and only White Lord of the Viral family; Accepted the loyalty of Kalios Kator and his Westernesse Regiment ere their entrance into present-day White Kingdom territory;
Had Viktor Twizen charged for execution for attempted murder, and sent the White Army out to hunt down the Grey Wolf, led by Ser Arthurian Daune and Prince Lewyn Martill; Closed the gates of Miras Xarus to the Westernesse Regiment, then the Fenix Legion, resulting in the collapse of the North Wall;
Drakos Viral's life ended the same day as Miras Xarus was taken, as The Warg Knight ripped The Greedy Lizard's head off wearing his old Westernesse Regiment armor, and stuck the head of the crazed tyrant on his spear.
Ser Rayn Viral - cousin to present-day Lord of the White Kingdom Regias Viral; called The Unfearing Dragonlord for his valor in battle years past; now a prisioner of The Wolf Prince;
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I'll read it again when I don't know a name.....
(I thought so, the size is just me.....)
(I thought so, the size is just me.....)
Again I can't believe your that good!!!
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- 3,592
Y'know, this really isn't very good. You make it out as if it's going to be some kind of epic, and then you post "chapters" that are less than fifteen paragraphs long. What you consider a chapter would hardly fill a page or two. What kind of book is this?
I really hope you're not trying to get this published, because it has an incredibly long way to go.
Your characters have zero personality, the setting is a blur, the description is repetitive, annoying, and incredibly generic... Take any 'paragraph' from this story, and it could fall into any other fantasy book in the world. There's no individuality or originality to this tale.
I mean, do you realize that you used the word "red" twice in one sentence, that you used "light" within fifteen words of "lighten," and other foolish errors? "The man" was a phrase uttered entirely too often.
Your "writing style" leaves MUCH to be desired. You describe things when you feel it's necessary, and everything else is a blurred warzone. I mean, one second he's in a tent, apparently, and then he's talking to his army, and then they're killing people, all in that order?
No. You're supposed to be doing that during the story. Lifeless, dull, and generic characters are not going to thrill anyone who actually has a mind.
Work on this. And stop stealing from other authors.
I really hope you're not trying to get this published, because it has an incredibly long way to go.
Your characters have zero personality, the setting is a blur, the description is repetitive, annoying, and incredibly generic... Take any 'paragraph' from this story, and it could fall into any other fantasy book in the world. There's no individuality or originality to this tale.
I mean, do you realize that you used the word "red" twice in one sentence, that you used "light" within fifteen words of "lighten," and other foolish errors? "The man" was a phrase uttered entirely too often.
Your "writing style" leaves MUCH to be desired. You describe things when you feel it's necessary, and everything else is a blurred warzone. I mean, one second he's in a tent, apparently, and then he's talking to his army, and then they're killing people, all in that order?
No. You're supposed to be doing that during the story. Lifeless, dull, and generic characters are not going to thrill anyone who actually has a mind.
Work on this. And stop stealing from other authors.
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Ok whatever. You may not like my writing style, but ooooh well.
Unless you people WANT me to make it picture-perfect, which I don't really feel up to do because I've got other stuff to do than toy with my books everyday.
I have a life people.
And if you don't think the chapters are long enough, big freakin' deal man.
A) Don't care.
B) The story is going the way I want it, criticism or no.
C) I'll have the next chappie up in the next few days.
Unless you people WANT me to make it picture-perfect, which I don't really feel up to do because I've got other stuff to do than toy with my books everyday.
I have a life people.
And if you don't think the chapters are long enough, big freakin' deal man.
A) Don't care.
B) The story is going the way I want it, criticism or no.
C) I'll have the next chappie up in the next few days.
*Cough* Ok, For once I will stand up for Bumho- I mean JJ, and I will say....
OK PICKLE MAN! YOU WANNA BE LIKE THAT? IF YOU THINK HIS WRITING IS BAD MOVE YOUR SAD, CRAPPIE ASS TO MY FANFIC AND LOOK HOW BAD MY WRITING IS! Then think, Not EVERYONE in the world can have a perfect story! I mean one time I was reading Harry Potter and there was a spelling mistake! EVERYONE gets something wrong every now and then, even Famous writiers!
And JJ never said he wanted this published into a book did he? No, so stop blabbing about all this crap about not getting a book published.
And Last thing, he most likely has a better chance of getting a book published than you do ANY day, Now, Goodbye Pickle Man and stay the hell away if you dont like this story!
Hey Guys, think i told him off good enough or should I have gone on for a bit longer?
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- Mar 19, 2005
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Well ... since Pickle basically said everything for me, there's only one thing left to do.
Accuse you of plagerizism.
I swear, my gag reflex started up as soon as I began reading your characters' list/background information.
Um, you said that you were influenced by Tolkien, Lewis, Rowling and. I haven't read any of Lewis' works, forgive me, but I've read the rest.
The thing is, being influenced is okay. But you're seriously toeing the line between "influenced" and "thief."
Seeing "Westernesse" and "Khar-drazil Pass"was bad enough. Tolkien much? But the worst thing is, you completely ripped off George R. R. Martin's A Song Of Ice And Fire series, currently in its fourth installment. And you didn't even mention his name.
George R. R. Martin's Official Website
I can excuse you for the whole "Wolf Prince" thing, even though that reminds me of Robb Stark.
But "Valirya" is just too much like Valyria for my tastes. Yet what really got to me was the whole "Lewyn Martill" thing. A "Prince of Dorn"?
I could kill you for that. Do all these ecstatic readers here know about the Martells, the family who has ruled Dorne from their throne at Sunspear, under the title of Prince only? I honestly haven't been able to find the name Lewyn yet in this appendix, but I know for a fact that I've read it in one of these books before.
Martill = Martell
Dorn = Dorne
Sunspeare = Sunspear
Valirya = Valyria
Wargs, Wolves, and others = the Starks
Wildings = ...wildlings across the Wall.
Dragonlords = the Targaryens. They were the dragonlords.
I am disgusted. How dare you?
Edit: And no, you did not tell HER off. Pickle was trying to help by pointing out ways he could improve.
Such as thinking up his own stuff. >.>
Accuse you of plagerizism.
I swear, my gag reflex started up as soon as I began reading your characters' list/background information.
Um, you said that you were influenced by Tolkien, Lewis, Rowling and. I haven't read any of Lewis' works, forgive me, but I've read the rest.
The thing is, being influenced is okay. But you're seriously toeing the line between "influenced" and "thief."
Seeing "Westernesse" and "Khar-drazil Pass"was bad enough. Tolkien much? But the worst thing is, you completely ripped off George R. R. Martin's A Song Of Ice And Fire series, currently in its fourth installment. And you didn't even mention his name.
George R. R. Martin's Official Website
I can excuse you for the whole "Wolf Prince" thing, even though that reminds me of Robb Stark.
But "Valirya" is just too much like Valyria for my tastes. Yet what really got to me was the whole "Lewyn Martill" thing. A "Prince of Dorn"?
I could kill you for that. Do all these ecstatic readers here know about the Martells, the family who has ruled Dorne from their throne at Sunspear, under the title of Prince only? I honestly haven't been able to find the name Lewyn yet in this appendix, but I know for a fact that I've read it in one of these books before.
Martill = Martell
Dorn = Dorne
Sunspeare = Sunspear
Valirya = Valyria
Wargs, Wolves, and others = the Starks
Wildings = ...wildlings across the Wall.
Dragonlords = the Targaryens. They were the dragonlords.
I am disgusted. How dare you?
Edit: And no, you did not tell HER off. Pickle was trying to help by pointing out ways he could improve.
Such as thinking up his own stuff. >.>
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I dont really Care what people think of me, a idiot, a bitch, a fool, I dont care.
But Ill tell you one thing, For standing up for my friend, How can I be any of those things? Sure I have my momants, but who doesnt? So really you cant blame me for what I said, and how was I ment to know SHE was a GIRL? Im LAZY and I couldnt be bothered to look at the Gender.
People always think Im a guy cuz the way I act and my username.
Oh and is SHE thinks Im an Idiot, why cant SHE tell me this HERself?
Like I said before, Dont Like? Dont Read!
But Ill tell you one thing, For standing up for my friend, How can I be any of those things? Sure I have my momants, but who doesnt? So really you cant blame me for what I said, and how was I ment to know SHE was a GIRL? Im LAZY and I couldnt be bothered to look at the Gender.
People always think Im a guy cuz the way I act and my username.
Oh and is SHE thinks Im an Idiot, why cant SHE tell me this HERself?
Like I said before, Dont Like? Dont Read!
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I posted critique, not a flame, which is more than you can say for yourself, KH Fan. Honestly, the only thing that saddened me reading your post was that you truly believe you're saying something worth hearing. And yeah, I do think you're an idiot.
And obviously, Jub Jub, you don't want to improve, so I really don't see the point in reading this any longer. If the writer doesn't even care, why should the readers?
And I'm a chick.
Just so ya know.
And obviously, Jub Jub, you don't want to improve, so I really don't see the point in reading this any longer. If the writer doesn't even care, why should the readers?
And I'm a chick.
Just so ya know.
- Joined
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- Age
- 33
You're getting way off topic here. This is not about you. This is about the fact that you are taking this totally the wrong way.
It's about the fact that this thread is pretty much illegal. Last time I checked, since my teachers drilled it into me, stealing other people's works was against the law.
It's about the fact that this thread is pretty much illegal. Last time I checked, since my teachers drilled it into me, stealing other people's works was against the law.
Yeah Yeah, say what you want, Im just trying to stand up for my friend, only I happen to so this a little differently than others.
Its just I care for my friends, and even if its the smallest thing I get quite worked up about it, so I guess I owe you two an Apology.
Im Sorry -.-
Its just I care for my friends, and even if its the smallest thing I get quite worked up about it, so I guess I owe you two an Apology.
Im Sorry -.-
Ok, Everyone needs to calm down.
Like now.
Lonepickle - What you wrote did seem like a flame AT TIMES.
If you realize it or not doesn't matter.
GuardianOfHearts - Well, I can say anything against you, because I've never read any of those books, but if he is doing exactly what you say he is, remember exactly where we are. In a Kingdom Hearts forum, so basically this story may never make it out of here. So yes, it is bad if he's doing that, but its not gonna be the end of the world.
Everyone take a step back and breathe, ok.
What is critique to you could be flame to him, or anyone else for that matter.
Like now.
Lonepickle - What you wrote did seem like a flame AT TIMES.
If you realize it or not doesn't matter.
GuardianOfHearts - Well, I can say anything against you, because I've never read any of those books, but if he is doing exactly what you say he is, remember exactly where we are. In a Kingdom Hearts forum, so basically this story may never make it out of here. So yes, it is bad if he's doing that, but its not gonna be the end of the world.
Everyone take a step back and breathe, ok.
What is critique to you could be flame to him, or anyone else for that matter.
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Then he should compare it to KHFan's flame, and he'll see the difference.
Apology accepted, KHFan. Have fun pretending you're the peace-maker, Kh2forlife.
Good luck with your story.
Apology accepted, KHFan. Have fun pretending you're the peace-maker, Kh2forlife.
Good luck with your story.
Ok Ok, My lovely Yoga Teacher (Sammii) XD
Ok, So you do have a point, So, SORRY EVERYONE I FLAMED AT!
But Please dont make me start again with the 'Trying to be peace' Thing, Ill get worked up again...
Ok, So you do have a point, So, SORRY EVERYONE I FLAMED AT!
But Please dont make me start again with the 'Trying to be peace' Thing, Ill get worked up again...
Yeah I agree with you there Lilli(khfan) can be a bit wacko sometimes, and she definitely didn't have to flame you, but Lilli is very protective of her friends.
And your flame wasnt as bad as Lilli's but it was still a flame. To the author at least.
Wanna know how I know?
I was the one who told him about it on the phone, and then got to hear about it.
So yeah
And your flame wasnt as bad as Lilli's but it was still a flame. To the author at least.
Wanna know how I know?
I was the one who told him about it on the phone, and then got to hear about it.
So yeah
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