I'll first explain for those of you whom don't know. I have ALL or Acute lymphoblastic Luekemia. Don't freak out, I'm alright. In fact I'm doing quite well. This story is dedicated to two friends of mine that passed away recently after a long fight with the disease.
AN: The title of the story came from the song "Millstone" by the "Brand New". Listen to it and you'll understand why I chose that name.
"Millstone"
By: Edith Drasko
Today, wasn't so bad.
She was a girl that I met while I was having a particularly bad spell. A nice girl with a smile big enough to match her heart.
She leaked warmth, radiating towards our cold bodies. Warming our tired smiles and fragile hope. We loved her with all we were, our sister of circumstance.
She would be leaving us today. One of the lucky ones that left without the condemning shroud.
I hoped I would join her in sunlight soon after.
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We comforted each other through phone lines and neon screens. Letting the rattle of keyboards bring us closer with every stroke.
She didn't say goodbye then.
She suddenly stopped one day, leaving me to wonder where she had gone.
She just wanted some time to herself. That's what I told myself.
It's been awhile since we last spoke.
I'm losing hope.
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Today I checked the messages.
A message from her.
No, not from her.
Her Mother was the one that had left it. Writing to tell me she had left that day. The day she hadn't said goodbye.
She just went to sleep that night. The sun would never greet her again.
I hated her for avoiding me. I know now that I had been hating a ghost. She was gone.
The guilt I felt seemed endless. An ever increasing weight sitting heavily on my restless shoulders.
Sleep no longer visited me and hunger became a close friend.
I want to see her again.
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She had been perfectly healthy. She was better, living the life that none of us had been guaranteed. Why was she gone then?
Why was I still here? Why am I?
I'm not there yet. Nothing is guaranteed to those like me.
I might leave soon.
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I looked at my plate.
I don't want to eat. It feels wrong.
She's gone. She's gone after she was promised she wouldn't have to fear cold anymore.
..and I'm still here.
So selfish. For making merry while she was in a hole in the ground. Her Mother is all alone now, while I'm surrounded by people.
There was nothing I could have done. That won't make it go away, this feeling. Knowing never does. All knowledge ever brings is suffering. It brings with it the reason why, it burns so much.
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I've watched people leave before. I've watched kids like the two of us walk in that decievingly white building, promised a cure, a future, and never live to see those promises kept.
I've spent weeks in a bed with tubes and things I would never want to guess sticking from my skin.
I've had friends leave and witness their families despair in their absence.
I've spoken with the others my age, some still smaller about what leaving would feel like if(when) it came for us.
I waited and listened to the lies feed to my friends. Told they were getting better, when they were only getting worse.
I'm a child but, I know what death is.....
and I feel old.
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This was different.
We(I) watched and braced ourselves(myself) for what we all knew may inevitably come to pass. We may have to leave soon. and there was no return from where we may go.
She wasn't supposed to leave yet. She wouldn't have to share in our waiting, in our resignation.
There was nothing to fear.
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Soon, I think.
I'm going to see her again.
She'll hate me though.
I wasn't one of the lucky ones. I won't be seeing the sun as I leave this place.
I wish that I had been her. I wish I had been lied to.
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The sun didn't say hello to me today.
I heard the blaring siren echo through the crowded room. I heard crying but, couldn't bring myself to care.
As our hands met I knew.....
There is nothing left to fear.
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Based on a true story.
Dedicated to:
Haley Johnson & Martin Thomas
(1991-2008)
May you finally be free to love eachother without pain or fear.
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