Lonely(Poem!!!)

[The Dream]

Ok I wrote this poem having no idea how to properly write one but I think it's good.
I just want some point of veiws.
please give some good advise if I need some.

Butterflies in my stomach
As I walk towards them
I smile while I still can
They turn away giggling
I frown and walk away

Why do they hurt me?
Did I do something wrong?
If so what?
Am I picked on for just being?
Is it wrong to have your own mind?

I walk home alone
My mum and dad shout about their troubles
They don't care about me
I leave hungry

Is this how my life will be?
Will it change?
Or wil it stay the same?
Because that is how...
Being lonely is.

 

[Annoyance]

Ok I wrote this poem having no idea how to properly write one but I think it's good.
I just want some point of veiws.
please give some good advise if I need some.

Butterflies in my stomach
As I walk towards them
I smile while I still can
They turn away giggling
I frown and walk away

Why do they hurt me?
Did I do something wrong?
If so what?
Am I picked on for just being?
Is it wrong to have your own mind?

I walk home alone
My mum and dad shout about their troubles
They don't care about me
I leave hungry

Is this how my life will be?
Will it change?
Or wil it stay the same?
Because that is how...
Being lonely is.

Hm... a decent enough concept. I don't think you captured the "loneliness" that you probably wanted. Maybe ignored.

Also, if you're going to do free verse, you still need to have flow. Say your poem aloud. What I've read is really a shortened story with the enter button hit after each sentence. Work on that. You want to flow.

I hope I was helpful enough.

 

[The Dream]

I get what you mean.
btu then again I did this just like that and I thought it was good so I posted it.
oh well it will help me improve

 

[revarai20]

I like this poem. It would capture a feeling for those who feels left out or ignored as you said.

I like it. I think it's good so far.

 

[unobstructedness]

mmm... believe that the feeling is but technical mistake

 

[The Dream]

mmm... believe that the feeling is but technical mistake

Eh?
whats that supposed to mean?