Fanfiction ► Kingdom Hearts:Lake Of Souls

[Mog]

Hello everyone.I am a total newbie to kh fan fic writing.This will be my first piece of work,be nice I'm only 15. I have no idea how long my story will be.But I'll split it up in chapters.Here we go.

Chapter 1 - Crepusculum

Crepusculum lay underneath the stars,hands behind his head,like he always did.Tonight he was not alone.He and Tempus liked to watch the stars together,and when they were lucky,they got to see a shooting star.Everytime they did see one,they made a wish,and it was always the same one.
''Crepusculum,what was your wish?'' Tempus asked.
''What do you think?''
''I just wanted to make sure.'' Tempus replied.
''He sees what we see.There are many worlds,but they share the same sky-
''One sky,one destiny'' Tempus finished.
''Is that getting old?''Crepusculum asked.
''Crepus,just trust me.The master wouldn't have said that if there was no meaning.''
''I suppose.It's been a year.Do you think he'll come back?

 

[Mog]

Chapter 2 - The Sword with the 'E'

Crepus lay in bed.The stars were out.He decided not to wake Tempus,and left his room alone.Crepus took the walk to the summit most nights.There was always silence,but not tonight.As Tempus walked to the summit,he saw a quick flash of light.Crepus was startled,but he kept quiet for a moment.There was a figure standing beside the training rings,and he was holding something in his right hand.Crepus took cover for a minute,but always being himself,he went in for a closer look.
''Ahh!! ...... Oh Crepus, it's only you!You scared me.
''Umm...sorry..'' Crepus replied guiltily.
''What brings you here?''
''I was just on my way to the summit,and.......''
''Oh I see.''
The thing in his hand disappeared in the same flash of light that it appeared.
''Can I see that?'' Crepus asked.
''Well,ok sure.''The man laughed.
Once again,the bright flash blinded Crepus and the sword appeared in the mans hand.
''Go easy with that thing.''The man chuckled.
Crepus held the sword upright,examining it.
''What does that E stand for?'' Crepus questioned.
''My name of course''.The man giggled.
''Oh yeah,I knew that'',Crepus replied stupidly.
''Haha,you have a lot to learn boy.''
''Sorry..''
The sword looked ridiculously large in Crepus' small fist.And just then,the sword vanished from Crepus' grasp,and a second later reappeared in the mans hand.
''Wh-Why'd it do that!'' Crepus exclaimed.
You're too young boy,but maybe in a few years...''
''I'd best leave.''The man said abruptly.
''Umm ok.....''Crepus said disappointed.He enjoyed the small conversations he had with the man occasionally,of course,he was always busy with the other 2 people.
The man walked away from Crepus,and back down the summit,leaving Crepus alone once again.

 

[Mog]

Chapter 3 - Questions

The next night,Crepus and Tempus sat out under the stars again.There was always an onocurring silence,and dialogue was kept to the minimum.They were too busy waiting for a shooting star.But something was on Crepus' mind,and he shared it with Tempus.
''Tempus,Why does the master carry a sword around?''Crepus asked.
''That's not a sword.''Tempus replied with an eyebrow raised.
''Well then what is it?''He asked with a puzzled look.
''A Keyblade''.Tempus said with a smirk.
''Keyblade....what's the difference?''
''Your brother had one too''.
''Oh that thing.I didn't pay too much attention to it.I wish I could see it again''
''So what does it do?''Crepus added.
''Enough questions.Look up at the sky,will you,please?''
''Alright,alright...''

Tempus was 2 years older than Crepus,and always seemed to know more about things than Crepus,and always ended up answering his questions.
Crepus still had alot on his mind.He decided to ask Tempus some more questions.
''How did the master get a keyblade?''
Tempus sighed.
''He was chosen.''
''Oh.''Crepus replied,not fully understanding what Tempus meant.
''Can I have one?''
''No.''Tempus replied with a chuckle.
''They don't just come out of thin air''.Tempus added.

 

[Mog]

Chapter 4 - A new wielder

That night,Tempus retired to bed earlier than Crepus,leaving him alone on the summit.Crepus stared at the night sky.It looked different,and Crepus began to examine it more closely,so he squinted his eyes.Some of the stars started to fade.Without any notice,a voice started to talk to Crepus.All he could hear was a very faint whisper,one of which he couldn't decipher.He hadn't heard the voice before.It sounded like a young boys.The voice got louder,and Crepus jumped to his feet,very alarmed.
''Tempus!!'' Crepus shouted.
More and more stars started to fade.The sky began to appear to move in dark,devilesh waves,a complete sea of darkness.
A voice echoed into Crepus' head
''Save him.''
And immediately after this Crepus heard a loud insane laughter which pierced through his brain.The ground around him was being swallowed in darkness.And soon everything else.Crepus heard a loud shattering noise before he was pulled underground,or so it seemed.

Crepus' body floated through the blackness,slowly,in loops.
Suddenly it landed on something blue.

 

[Mog]

Chapter 5 - Awakening

Crepus landed upright on a pillar.His eyes were closed,but immediately they shot open when his feet made contact with the pillar.The area was very calm,there was no breeze.He was completely surrounded by black.Crepus examined what he was standing on.A beautiful picture was carved intricately into the pillar.The pictures main feature was a boy with spikey brown hair and he was holding what seemed to be a large key with a yellow handle.The picture also showed a picture of a girl,a boy,a duck, and ummmmm...a dog?As Cretus examined the picture,the same boys voice spoke to him.
'Use it well'.
But yet again Crepus heard the same insane laughter that pierced him.
The picture below him started to change colour into a deep red,and the boy below him had changed appearance.He now wore a red and black bodysuit,and his brown hair had changed to black,as black as his surroundings.But as fast as his appearance had changed,it flashed back to it's original colour,and yet again Crepus could hear that insane laughter.Above him,he saw a ball of light crash down from the ceiling of darkness.It collided with the pillar he stood on,knocking Crepus to the ground.A boy appeared from the collision,who didn't say anything at first.
He had brilliant blonde,windswept hair.He wore a white jacket,and a white and black trousers.He carried 2 keyblades in his hand,one was black and one was white.The keyblades disappeared,and the boy spoke.

 

[Evello]

Um... there's no limit for how long a chapter can be, but these are really, REALLY short. I would suggest trying for at least 1,000 words per chapter, and I'm not sure this entire thing is 1,000 words so far. Try to extend these scenes, since each one is very, very short. The dialogue and stuff is all right, and your description isn't bad, but it's just too darn short. I would suggest combining all of this into one chapter with a border like this: ***** to separate scenes at the very least.

 

[Mog]

Um... there's no limit for how long a chapter can be, but these are really, REALLY short. I would suggest trying for at least 1,000 words per chapter, and I'm not sure this entire thing is 1,000 words so far. Try to extend these scenes, since each one is very, very short. The dialogue and stuff is all right, and your description isn't bad, but it's just too darn short. I would suggest combining all of this into one chapter with a border like this: ***** to separate scenes at the very least.

I guess you're right.I'll extend them in the future.

 

[Mog]

Chapter 6 - A gift

''Crepus'',The boy said.
''Ven???'',Cretus exclaimed very excitingly,running toward him to greet him.
But Crepus was stopped abruptly when the boy summoned two keyblades and stopped him in his tracks.
''V-v-v -
''Shut up.''The boy said.
Crepus calmed down,and his expression changed to one of an extremely puzzled child.
I don't have much time.You want to save him don't you?''
''Save who?'' Crepus asked.
''You'll know soon enough.''The boy said.
''But you'll need something to help along the way.''
What's that?''
At that moment a keyblade appeared in a flash of light at the bottom and darkness near the top in Crepus' hand.
The keyblade had a thin dull brown handle,and a black and red gear head with a curious looking blue eye carved into it.
As Crepus examined the keyblade,the blond haired boy spoke.
''Oh by the way,I'm Roxas.''
Crepus stared at Roxas in awe for a second,mouth wide open.
Roxas grinned,and turned into a ball of light and shot toward the ceiling where he vanished.
Crepus was left alone on the awakening station.
Moments later,Crepus awoke lying down on the grass of the summit,and the stars had reappeared.
Crepus thought about what Tempus had told him ''They don't just come out of thin air'', and grinned to himself.

 

[Mog]

Chapter 7 - Eraqus Speaks

The next evening,Tempus and Crepus waited for Eraqus beside the training rings.
''How long more?Crepus pressed.
''A minute.''Tempus said while he rolled his eyes.
Just then,the boys spotted Eraqus walking over the bridge.
''He sure has changed.He's not what he used to be.'',Crepus said with a sigh.
''Shudup or he'll hear you,stupid!''
Just then Eraqus was in a stones throw of the boys.
He didn't say anything at first.
''Hey master.''Tempus said with a smile.
''Hello Tempus!'' Eraqus replied shockingly fast.
This startled Tempus.Just then Eraqus summoned a keyblade.But it wasn't the Keyblade Crepus had seen before.It had a red handle and a black stem,with dangerous looking hooks on the head.
''Master,your keyblade looks different.''Crepus said.
'What?No it doesn't.''Eraqus retorted.
''........''Crepus said nothing.
Eraqus made his way up to the summit.This was strange because Tempus and Crepus had never seen him go there in a long time.

''Somethings up.''
''Definetly''.
''What's with that keyblade?''Tempus asked.
''I don't know.The other day he had a blue one with an 'E' on the top.''
''Yeah,he always had that one.''
''What does it mean?''Crepus said.
''Lets follow him.Crepus said with an adventurous grin.
''Well ok then..''
Just then the sun started to set.

The two boys crept up the summit after Eraqus.
They reached the summit,and lyed down on their stomachs.They saw Eraqus walking ahead,and then they seen a black hole appear in front of him.He walked through it.
''What the hell is that?......''Crepus whispered to Tempus.
Crepus stayed silent for a moment.
Just then,the black hole blinked out of existence.
******************************​******************************​******************************​*
Tempus wanted to go home,but Crepus insisted that he wait for Eraqus.The two boys now were sitting on the edge of a cliff,above the summit.
''Just another few minutes,please?..''Crepus asked.
''He's not coming back.Well,at least not for today.''
Just then the sun started to rise.
''Please?Just wait an-
Just then the same black hole appeared as before.
''Ssshhhh.''Tempus waved away Crepus' remark.
Eraqus walked out of the dark hole,and this time he had a new weapon in his hand.He had a weapon similar to darth maul lightsaber.An eerie red glow shone from the doubled sided weapon.The weapon disappeared in a red flash.
''Ok this is wierd.Lets call it a day.''Tempus said.
''Wait.What about the stars?''
''Not tonight.
''You want him to come back right?''Crepus said.

 

[LongLiveLife]

Don't get offended by this or anything, but the new chapters aren't really all that much longer than the original ones. You're evidently really into dialogue, but this is meant to be prose, isn't it? It reads more like a script than a story. For future chapters, I suggest having more description in non-dialogue prose; some things need no words to be said.

Also, a few general phrasing, grammar and punctuation improvements I can suggest are: 1) End your dialogue with punctuation in the speech marks, space after; 2) Change up your verbs every once in a while -- repeating 'said' or 'asked' over and over is pretty rudimentary; 3) Paragraph, paragraph, paragraph -- it's not only more visually appealing, but also helps your readers to understand what they just read.

 

[Mog]

Don't get offended by this or anything, but the new chapters aren't really all that much longer than the original ones. You're evidently really into dialogue, but this is meant to be prose, isn't it? It reads more like a script than a story. For future chapters, I suggest having more description in non-dialogue prose; some things need no words to be said.

Also, a few general phrasing, grammar and punctuation improvements I can suggest are: 1) End your dialogue with punctuation in the speech marks, space after; 2) Change up your verbs every once in a while -- repeating 'said' or 'asked' over and over is pretty rudimentary; 3) Paragraph, paragraph, paragraph -- it's not only more visually appealing, but also helps your readers to understand what they just read.

Ok,thanks for the advise.