more of a 'who they are' type of thing. see for yourselves.
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Chapter 5
Captain Jeffery T. Spaulding
Dedicated to R0ad H0g for figuring out the most of the cameos
Everyone,
Off to track Xehanort. Go to nearby tavern and find man named Marks. He will aid you. Despite his appearance, he is trustworthy. Check in with you later.
With all due respect,
Xando, Prince of Shadows
The note was short, to the point, and scrawled in a hurry; Sora had found it the next morning when he came over to tell Xando breakfast was ready. He had wasted no time in gathering Riku and Kairi and going, with Leon accompanying them, to the tavern Xando had mentioned, called the King of Hearts. The King of Hearts was a lively, if chaotic, place, even with a guitarist playing something near the door.
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Three custodians were busy trying to fix a cuckoo clock, while a fourth one was dozing off at a half-broken table.
“Hey, Porcupine,” said the first man, the leader of the group, “give me the wrench.” This man had a haircut like a soup bowl; his name was Moses.
“Right, Moe,” said the second man, who had fizzy hair, was actually named Louis. He then turned to the third man and said, “Sam, the wrench.”
“Right, Porcupine,” said the third, his name was actually Sam, and turned to the sleeping man and said, “Jerome, the wrench!”
The fourth man, Jerome, was still asleep, a fact that the other three just found out. His snores sounded like a snort and then a ‘woo-woo-woo-woo’. He was also bald.
The first man, Moses, strode over to the sleeping Jerome and slapped him in the face, “Wake up and go to sleep!”
The man then awoke, of course, and spoke, “Oh, a wise guy, eh?”
“You fell asleep on the job,” said Louis.
“I’m a victim of soicumstance,” Jerome replied.
“Just finish fixing the table,” Sam said.
“Why soitenly.”
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In another corner of the room, two men were arguing about baseball.
“Who’s on first?” one man said, whose name was Lou.
“Yes he is,” replied his companion, named Bud.
“I mean the fella’s name on first base.”
“Who.”
“The first baseman!” Lou shouted, his temper rising.
“Who is on first!” Bud replied, trying to remain calm. It was not easy.
“What are you asking me for?”
“I’m not asking you, I’m telling you. Who is on first!”
“I’m asking you who’s on first.”
“That’s the man’s name.”
“I don’t think you understand. What is the fella’s name on first base?”
Bud corrected, “No. What is the fella’s name on SECOND base.”
“I’M NOT ASKING YOU WHO’S ON SECOND!”
“Who’s on first.”
“I don’t know.”
“THIRD BASE!” they both shouted at the same time. Apparently, this argument had been going on for
quite some time.
“What about outfield?” Lou asked, “The left fielder’s name?”
“Why.”
“BECAUSE!”
“Oh, he’s center field.”
“What is the player’s name playing left field?”
“What is the players name on SECOND base.”
“I’M NOT ASKING YOU WHO’S ON SECOND!”
“Who’s on first.”
“I don’t know!”
“THIRD BASE!”
“Okay,” Lou said after a moment, gaining his composure, “supposing I’m catching on the team. A heavy hitter gets up and bunts the ball. I pick up the ball and throw it to who?”
“Now that’s the first thing you said right.”
“I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!”
“But that’s all you have to do.”
“Is throw it to who?”
“Yes. Now you got it.”
“So I throw it to Who. He drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don’t Know. I Don’t Know throws it to the catcher, Tomorrow. Triple play.”
“Yeah. Could be.”
“Another guy gets up and it’s a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don’t know. He’s on third, and I DON’T CARE!”
“What was that?”
“I said: I DON’T CARE!”
“Oh! That’s the shortstop.”
Lou nearly exploded.
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In the center of the room, a man was speaking about a world known as Africa.
"Well, we left drunk and early on the morning of February 2nd. After 15 days in space and six in the ship, we finally arrived in Africa. At once, we proceeded 600 miles into the heart of the jungle, where I shot a polar bear. This bear was six foot seven…”
However, one woman interrupted him with a question, “I had always believed polar bears lived up in the Frozen North.”
“Oh you did?” the man replied, “Well this bear couldn’t stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and could afford to go away in the winter. You keep care of your animals and I’ll take care of mine,” under his breath he added, “Frozen North, my eye.”
He then continued his story, “On the day of our arrival, we led an active life. Morning saw us up at six, breakfast and back in bed at seven. This was our routine for the first three months. It finally got so old we were back in bed at 6:30. One morning I was sitting in front of the cabin, smocking some meat when…”
“Smoking some meat?” the same woman inquired.
“Yes. There wasn’t a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers.”
“Oh Captain,” the same women interjected once again, “Captain. Did you catch six tigers?”
“I bagged them. I bagged them to go away but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I had ever seen. The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elks, and archipelagoes. Of course, you all know what a moose is, that’s big game. The first day I shot two bucks; that was the biggest game we had. As I say, you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor and eats cheese and is chased by the cats.”
“The elks, on the other hand” he continued, “live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when the find out it was only a water hole; what they were looking for was an elkacohol.”
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas,” he continued, “how he got in my pajamas I don’t know. Then we tried to remove the tusks, but they were imbedded so firmly that we couldn’t budge them. Of course in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that’s entirely irrelephant to what I was talking about.”
“Thank you, Captain,” said a wealthy looking man, “hurray for Captain Spaulding. Three cheers for Captain Spaulding! Three cheers for Captain Spaulding! Three cheers for Captain Spaulding!”
The village idiot, a young, mute man with red, frizzy hair and a horn on his belt, brought up ‘three chairs for Captain Spaulding!’
“No one asked for chairs,” the woman said, “put them right back where you found them.”
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It was in the middle of this… chaos… that Sora and his friends walked into as they crossed the room to the bartender. He was an elderly man with a uni-brow, unclean face, wheezy voice, and a strange glint in his eyes.
“Hello, hello, hello,” said the bartender, “I am your beloved count Omar.”
“We’re looking for a man named Marks,” Sora said, “Have you seen him?”
Omar pointed to the table where the man that was speaking moments ago, Captain Spaulding, was
sitting. Leon thanked the man and left Sora and his friends to get things prepared with the captain. As they left, they heard a crashing sound from the kitchen.
“Oh Magoo,” an elderly voice said from the kitchen, “You’ve done it again.”
A wimpy looking man walked up to the bartender and said, “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”
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Sora, Riku, and Kairi crossed over to where Captain Spaulding was sitting. He was just finishing a glass of water when they sat down next to him. He immediately stood up to shake their hands, Sora rushing back to his feet to grab the hand.
“My name is Spaulding,” he said right away, “Captain Spaulding.”
“I’m Sora,” Sora introduced, “this is Riku and Kairi.”
“And I am Jeffery T. Spaulding,” he introduced again, “I bet you can’t guess what the T stands for.”
“Thomas?” Sora guessed.
“Theodore?” Kairi asked.
“Trevor?” Riku named.
Spaulding shook his head, “Edger. You were close though. You were close though and you still are, I’ll bet.” He then sat down again, his three guests completely bewildered at his manner of speech.
“We were told to find you,” Sora began.
“A likely story,” Spaulding doubted, then added, “and probably true. You know, there’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit.”
“What’s that?” Riku asked.
“Retire. I have always believed that my retirement would be the greatest contribution to science the world has ever known. But we must remember: art is art.”
Kairi was about to say something when Spaulding continued, “still, on the other hand, water is water isn’t it?”
They nodded, and he continued, “And East is east and West is west. And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, ah… now you tell me what you know.”
Suddenly, a man came and asked Spaulding, “Do you remember me, Spaulding?”
“I never forget a face. But in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
“Er… yes. Anyways, I want to quote you on something for my new book about Africa.”
“Quote me as saying I was miss-quoted,” came the reply, then added, “From the moment I read your last book to the moment I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”
He then shooed the man away and continued with Sora and his friends, “So… what were we talking about?”
“We were told you were going to help us find a being named Aloz,” Kairi said hesitantly, for fear that Spaulding would turn it into a wisecrack.
“Ah yes, I remember,” he said, “that Xando guy told me about you. He told me to tell you that he told King Mickey to tell Ansem the Wise the same thing he told me to tell you, which was the location of where he thinks Aloz is hidden. As soon as I find my co-pilot, we can leave. There he is now.”
He pointed to the man who had brought the chairs earlier, the red fizzy haired young man. He stopped what he was doing, playing a harp incorrectly, but well, and came over to the table. He pulled out a card from his jacket pocket and handed it to Sora, who then read it:
My name is whaddaya care,
My home is anywhere,
People say I’m awful dumb,
So I thought to you I’d co…
He then stopped himself, “what is that supposed to mean!”
“Now Arthur,” Spaulding said warningly, “these young people are our clients. Treat them nicely. Arthur here doesn’t speak, so he uses rhyming cards, and sometimes just his horn,” Arthur honked his horn a number of times to confirm, “to communicate. Anyways, I’ll have my Gummi ship ready within the hour. We can leave anytime after that.”
And Arthur and the quick-witted Captain rose from their chairs and left, leaving three bewildered teens behind.
“I can’t believe this is happening,” Kairi said, “we’re letting an escapee from the nuthouse fly us to the worlds.”
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“I’M NOT ASKING YOU WHO’S ON SECOND!” Lou shouted
“Have you stooges finished that cuckoo clock yet?” Moses shouted
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“This place is full of them,” Riku added.
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and that ends that chaotic chapter. we will take a detour to three mysteryous masked beings, then off to the first world. i can hear the bells ringing already.
with all due respect,
Merlin326
