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- Apr 21, 2005
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Zetsumi and Mitsukai's humour fanfiction.
This fanfiction is an amalgamation of some of the funniest things about Kingdom Hearts we have dreamed up in our sick little heads. It has payouts of Harry Potter, The Matrix, and that In The Navy song, see if you can spot them.
We are already planning a sequel.
The Organisation
*Zetsumi is walking towards the Item Store in Traverse Town. Suddenly, a Man in a Black Raincoat leaps from behind a tree.*
Man~ “Hey! Kid! Wanna join a top secret evil organisation?”
Zetsumi~ “Do I get a cool name with an X in it?”
Man~ “Sure! From now on you are known as Zexumi!”
Zexumi~ “Do I get a cool black raincoat like yours?”
Man~ “Yep! Here ya go!
*The Man hands Zexumi a Black Raincoat, which he puts on.*
Zexumi~ “Cool! Now I look like Neo!”
Nex~ “Actually, It’s Nex now. I joined the organisation.”
Zexumi~ “So do I get a cool weapon and a unique power?”
Man~ “Of course! Here, you can use mirrors as your weapon and reflection as your power!”
*Zexumi summons a razor sharp mirror disc.*
Zexumi~ “Do I get a discount at the company store?”
Man~ “Don’t push it, kid.”
Zexumi~ “Sorry.”
*The Man takes Zexumi back to their super secret, evil hideout. A big, secret evil castle.*
Zexumi~ “Y’know, if I were picking a super secret evil hideout, I’d go for something a little less obvious.”
Man~ “It isn’t obvious! It’s listed as a factory that makes Black Raincoats!”
Zexumi~ “Right…and no one will associate that with an evil organization that all wear black raincoats…”
Man~ “That’s right!”
*The Man rings the doorbell. The door slides open, and he takes Zexumi inside. They reach another door at the end of a long hall. The Man knocks, and a panel slides open to reveal a pair of eyes.*
Eyes~ “Password!”
Man~ “Uh…I wrote them down somewhere…I swear…umm…Caput Draconis? Fortuna Major? Pigsnout?”
Eyes~ “It’s fine, Neville. C’mon in.”
Neville~ “That’s Nexille!”
Eyes~ “Right…sorry.”
*The door slides open, and a man with red hair is standing behind it. He, Nexille and Zexumi all go through into a large white room full of sofas.*
Zexumi~ “So, if you guys all wear Black Raincoats, how come all the decorations to your hideout are done in white?”
Nexille~ “Marluxia insested on white…”
*Nexille shudders.*
*The red haired man introduces himself as Axel. He introduces the rest of the organisation that are in the room: Larxene, Marluxia, Lexaeus, Vexen, Luxord and Demix.*
Zexumi~ “Nice to meet you all.”
Luxord~ “Hey, kid, fancy a game of poker?”
Zexumi~ “Sure!”
*Ten minutes later…*
Luxord~ “Well, I now own all your stuff except the clothes on your back…no, wait, I own them too.”
*Zexumi leaps up and summons a mirror.*
Zexumi~ “Why don’t you come get them?”
*Luxord jumps up, assumes a fighting stance, and summons a card.*
Zexumi~ “………”
*Zexumi bursts into hysterical laughter.*
Luxord~ “Hey…what’s so funny?”
Zexumi~ (Still Laughing) “What are you…HA HA HA…going to do…hah hah…give me a papercut?”
Luxord~ “Shut up!”
Marluxia~ “Well! It looks like you two are having fun! Have a flower!”
*Marluxia gives them both a flower.*
Zexumi~ “………”
Marluxia~ “I love flowers!”
Zexumi~ “………”
Zexumi~ “…So…Axel…what’s my first mission?”
Axel~ “Well, kid, you are going to go have a life-and-death battle with the worlds most powerful fighter, who is going to try and beat you to a bloody pulp with an oversized key, a psychotic duck, and some kinda dog-cow crossbreed.”
Zexumi~ “REALLY?”
Axel~ “No. Now go fetch me some coffee.”
Zexumi~ “But…isn’t that Worx Experience Boy’s job?
Worx Exp~ (In the middle of a blowout.) “He’s got a point thare, Masta Axel!”
Axel~ “………”
Zexumi “………”
Axel~ “………”
Zexumi~ “…I’ll go get that coffee then…”
*Zexumi heads towards the kitchen, then notices a hatch on the floor.*
Zexumi~ “Hey! What’s this?”
All~ “NO! DON’T OPEN THAT! THAT’S…”
Zexion~ “Arrrgh! The light! It burnses! It burnses!”
All~ “Zexion’s room…”
*Zexion jumps out and starts hopping around Axle’s feet.*
Axle~ “Zexion! Go back to your room! We have a new organisation member who’s name starts with Z now, and he actually has a unique power and weapon…unlike someone I could mention!”
Zexion~ “But master…Zexion will be extra good…we promises!”
Axle~ “Go…”
Zexion~ “FILTHY HOBBITSES!”
*Zexion retreats into his room. Zexumi slams the hatch after him.*
Axle~ “OK, Kid, I have an assignment for you!”
Zexumi~ “Awww! I left school to join your evil cult and you give me homework?”
Axle~ “No, you twit! I mean a mission!”
Zexumi~ “Oh. Cool! What is it?”
Axle~ “You have to go to Twilight Town and recruit someone.”
Zexumi~ “Awesome! How do I get there? In a huge spaceship? With big lasers?”
Axle~ “Well…ummm…it flies and has lasers, at least…”
*Ten minutes later…*
Zexumi~ “This is a joke, right?”
Axle~ “Nope. Here’s your ship!”
Zexumi~ “It’s a freaking jelly ship. It’s made from jelly!”
Axle~ “Well, seeya!”
Zexumi~ “You actually think I’m going to fly that death-trap?”
*Axle summons his rings.*
Zexumi~ “Fine! I’m going, I’m going!”
*Zexumi climbs in the ship and takes off. He flies it to Twilight Town and lands. Mitsukai is walking down the street. Zexumi jumps out from behind a tree.*
Zexumi~ “Hey! Kid! Wanna join a top secret evil organization?”
Mitsukai~ “Do I ever!”
Zexumi~ “C’mon! You get a cool name with an X in it…and a Black Raincoat like mine…”
Mitsukai~ “Even better!”
Zexumi~ “C’mon, please join!”
Mitsukai~ “I said yes, I’ll join!”
Zexumi~ “Fine! If you won’t join, I’ll have to destroy you!”
Mitsukai~ “…but I said that I would join!”
Zexumi~ “It’s no use pleading for your life! It’s join us or die!”
*Zexumi summons his mirrors. Mitsukai falls over laughing.*
Zexumi~ “What’s so funny?”
Mitsukai~ “What are you going to do with those? Brush your hair?”
Zexumi~ “Now I know how Luxord felt…”
Mitsukai~ “So can I still join?”
Zexumi~ “Sure! From now on, your name is Mitsuxi, and your weapon is these cool wrist blades, and your power is alchemy, and you get a cool Black Raincoat like Neo”
Nex~ “I said, it’s Nex now! Get it right!”
Mitsuxi~ “Do I get a discount at the company store?”
Nex~ “Don’t push it, kid.”
Zexumi~ “Hey! Who’s recruiting him, you or me?”
Nex~ “Sorry…”
*They all get in the gummi ship and return to the super secret evil organization headquarters.*
Mitsuxi~ “Y’know, if I were choosing a super secret evil…”
*Nex points a gun at Mitsuxi.*
Nex~ “You sure you want to finish that sentence?”
Mitsuxi~ “No sir.”
*They land and go inside, where Axle introduces Mitsuxi to all of the organization.*
Marluxia~ “Here! Have a flower!”
Mitsuxi~ “Hey…Zexumi…is Marluxia, like…y’know?”
Zexumi~ “What?”
Mitsuxi~ “Well, he’s always offering people flowers…”
Zexumi~ “Still not getting you.”
Mitsuxi~ “And he’s constantly hugging people…”
Marluxia~ “Hey! Zexumi! You look sad! How about a hug?”
*Marluxia hugs Zexumi.*
Mitsuxi~ “Chalk one up for the Yaoi crowd…”
Larxene~ “Well, we would add some Yuri, but due to sexist employment policies, I’m the only girl in the organization…and that’s because I told the superior I was actually a boy with really long hair.”
Mitsuxi~ “Who’s the superior?”
DiZ~ “I am!”
*DiZ enters the room to a dramatic reverb. Dun Dun Dun…*
Zexumi~ “So how come you wear a red coat instead of a black one?”
Mitsuxi~ “And how come you don’t have an X in your name?”
DiZ~ “Well…the thing about that is…”
Zexumi~ “………”
Mitsuxi~ “………”
DiZ~ “Hey! Look! A distraction!”
*DiZ points over their heads, and when they look, he runs off and hides behind the couch.*
DiZ~ “Hehehe! I totally fooled them!”
Zexumi~ “Ummm…DiZ? We can see your feet sticking out from behind the couch.”
DiZ~ “………”
*Mixey and Rixu enter the room.*
Mixey~ “Hey, everybody! Let’s sing the organization theme song!”
Rixu~ “Oh no, not again…”
Marluxia~ “Yay! I love this song!”
All~ “In the Organization, you get cool coats to wear…”
All~ “In the Organization, you get really freaky hair…”
All~ “In the Organization, c’mon and be a shell of a man…”
*All continue singing. Marluxia dances with a mop for no particular reason.*
Axle~ “Hey! Kid…and other kid! I got a mission for you two!”
Zex and Mits~ “Cool! What?”
Axle~ “Cappuccino, tall black, double latte.”
*Zexumi and Mitsuxi both groan.*
This fanfiction is an amalgamation of some of the funniest things about Kingdom Hearts we have dreamed up in our sick little heads. It has payouts of Harry Potter, The Matrix, and that In The Navy song, see if you can spot them.
We are already planning a sequel.
The Organisation
A fanfic by Zetsumi/Mitsuaki
Man~ “Hey! Kid! Wanna join a top secret evil organisation?”
Zetsumi~ “Do I get a cool name with an X in it?”
Man~ “Sure! From now on you are known as Zexumi!”
Zexumi~ “Do I get a cool black raincoat like yours?”
Man~ “Yep! Here ya go!
*The Man hands Zexumi a Black Raincoat, which he puts on.*
Zexumi~ “Cool! Now I look like Neo!”
Nex~ “Actually, It’s Nex now. I joined the organisation.”
Zexumi~ “So do I get a cool weapon and a unique power?”
Man~ “Of course! Here, you can use mirrors as your weapon and reflection as your power!”
*Zexumi summons a razor sharp mirror disc.*
Zexumi~ “Do I get a discount at the company store?”
Man~ “Don’t push it, kid.”
Zexumi~ “Sorry.”
*The Man takes Zexumi back to their super secret, evil hideout. A big, secret evil castle.*
Zexumi~ “Y’know, if I were picking a super secret evil hideout, I’d go for something a little less obvious.”
Man~ “It isn’t obvious! It’s listed as a factory that makes Black Raincoats!”
Zexumi~ “Right…and no one will associate that with an evil organization that all wear black raincoats…”
Man~ “That’s right!”
*The Man rings the doorbell. The door slides open, and he takes Zexumi inside. They reach another door at the end of a long hall. The Man knocks, and a panel slides open to reveal a pair of eyes.*
Eyes~ “Password!”
Man~ “Uh…I wrote them down somewhere…I swear…umm…Caput Draconis? Fortuna Major? Pigsnout?”
Eyes~ “It’s fine, Neville. C’mon in.”
Neville~ “That’s Nexille!”
Eyes~ “Right…sorry.”
*The door slides open, and a man with red hair is standing behind it. He, Nexille and Zexumi all go through into a large white room full of sofas.*
Zexumi~ “So, if you guys all wear Black Raincoats, how come all the decorations to your hideout are done in white?”
Nexille~ “Marluxia insested on white…”
*Nexille shudders.*
*The red haired man introduces himself as Axel. He introduces the rest of the organisation that are in the room: Larxene, Marluxia, Lexaeus, Vexen, Luxord and Demix.*
Zexumi~ “Nice to meet you all.”
Luxord~ “Hey, kid, fancy a game of poker?”
Zexumi~ “Sure!”
*Ten minutes later…*
Luxord~ “Well, I now own all your stuff except the clothes on your back…no, wait, I own them too.”
*Zexumi leaps up and summons a mirror.*
Zexumi~ “Why don’t you come get them?”
*Luxord jumps up, assumes a fighting stance, and summons a card.*
Zexumi~ “………”
*Zexumi bursts into hysterical laughter.*
Luxord~ “Hey…what’s so funny?”
Zexumi~ (Still Laughing) “What are you…HA HA HA…going to do…hah hah…give me a papercut?”
Luxord~ “Shut up!”
Marluxia~ “Well! It looks like you two are having fun! Have a flower!”
*Marluxia gives them both a flower.*
Zexumi~ “………”
Marluxia~ “I love flowers!”
Zexumi~ “………”
Zexumi~ “…So…Axel…what’s my first mission?”
Axel~ “Well, kid, you are going to go have a life-and-death battle with the worlds most powerful fighter, who is going to try and beat you to a bloody pulp with an oversized key, a psychotic duck, and some kinda dog-cow crossbreed.”
Zexumi~ “REALLY?”
Axel~ “No. Now go fetch me some coffee.”
Zexumi~ “But…isn’t that Worx Experience Boy’s job?
Worx Exp~ (In the middle of a blowout.) “He’s got a point thare, Masta Axel!”
Axel~ “………”
Zexumi “………”
Axel~ “………”
Zexumi~ “…I’ll go get that coffee then…”
*Zexumi heads towards the kitchen, then notices a hatch on the floor.*
Zexumi~ “Hey! What’s this?”
All~ “NO! DON’T OPEN THAT! THAT’S…”
Zexion~ “Arrrgh! The light! It burnses! It burnses!”
All~ “Zexion’s room…”
*Zexion jumps out and starts hopping around Axle’s feet.*
Axle~ “Zexion! Go back to your room! We have a new organisation member who’s name starts with Z now, and he actually has a unique power and weapon…unlike someone I could mention!”
Zexion~ “But master…Zexion will be extra good…we promises!”
Axle~ “Go…”
Zexion~ “FILTHY HOBBITSES!”
*Zexion retreats into his room. Zexumi slams the hatch after him.*
Axle~ “OK, Kid, I have an assignment for you!”
Zexumi~ “Awww! I left school to join your evil cult and you give me homework?”
Axle~ “No, you twit! I mean a mission!”
Zexumi~ “Oh. Cool! What is it?”
Axle~ “You have to go to Twilight Town and recruit someone.”
Zexumi~ “Awesome! How do I get there? In a huge spaceship? With big lasers?”
Axle~ “Well…ummm…it flies and has lasers, at least…”
*Ten minutes later…*
Zexumi~ “This is a joke, right?”
Axle~ “Nope. Here’s your ship!”
Zexumi~ “It’s a freaking jelly ship. It’s made from jelly!”
Axle~ “Well, seeya!”
Zexumi~ “You actually think I’m going to fly that death-trap?”
*Axle summons his rings.*
Zexumi~ “Fine! I’m going, I’m going!”
*Zexumi climbs in the ship and takes off. He flies it to Twilight Town and lands. Mitsukai is walking down the street. Zexumi jumps out from behind a tree.*
Zexumi~ “Hey! Kid! Wanna join a top secret evil organization?”
Mitsukai~ “Do I ever!”
Zexumi~ “C’mon! You get a cool name with an X in it…and a Black Raincoat like mine…”
Mitsukai~ “Even better!”
Zexumi~ “C’mon, please join!”
Mitsukai~ “I said yes, I’ll join!”
Zexumi~ “Fine! If you won’t join, I’ll have to destroy you!”
Mitsukai~ “…but I said that I would join!”
Zexumi~ “It’s no use pleading for your life! It’s join us or die!”
*Zexumi summons his mirrors. Mitsukai falls over laughing.*
Zexumi~ “What’s so funny?”
Mitsukai~ “What are you going to do with those? Brush your hair?”
Zexumi~ “Now I know how Luxord felt…”
Mitsukai~ “So can I still join?”
Zexumi~ “Sure! From now on, your name is Mitsuxi, and your weapon is these cool wrist blades, and your power is alchemy, and you get a cool Black Raincoat like Neo”
Nex~ “I said, it’s Nex now! Get it right!”
Mitsuxi~ “Do I get a discount at the company store?”
Nex~ “Don’t push it, kid.”
Zexumi~ “Hey! Who’s recruiting him, you or me?”
Nex~ “Sorry…”
*They all get in the gummi ship and return to the super secret evil organization headquarters.*
Mitsuxi~ “Y’know, if I were choosing a super secret evil…”
*Nex points a gun at Mitsuxi.*
Nex~ “You sure you want to finish that sentence?”
Mitsuxi~ “No sir.”
*They land and go inside, where Axle introduces Mitsuxi to all of the organization.*
Marluxia~ “Here! Have a flower!”
Mitsuxi~ “Hey…Zexumi…is Marluxia, like…y’know?”
Zexumi~ “What?”
Mitsuxi~ “Well, he’s always offering people flowers…”
Zexumi~ “Still not getting you.”
Mitsuxi~ “And he’s constantly hugging people…”
Marluxia~ “Hey! Zexumi! You look sad! How about a hug?”
*Marluxia hugs Zexumi.*
Mitsuxi~ “Chalk one up for the Yaoi crowd…”
Larxene~ “Well, we would add some Yuri, but due to sexist employment policies, I’m the only girl in the organization…and that’s because I told the superior I was actually a boy with really long hair.”
Mitsuxi~ “Who’s the superior?”
DiZ~ “I am!”
*DiZ enters the room to a dramatic reverb. Dun Dun Dun…*
Zexumi~ “So how come you wear a red coat instead of a black one?”
Mitsuxi~ “And how come you don’t have an X in your name?”
DiZ~ “Well…the thing about that is…”
Zexumi~ “………”
Mitsuxi~ “………”
DiZ~ “Hey! Look! A distraction!”
*DiZ points over their heads, and when they look, he runs off and hides behind the couch.*
DiZ~ “Hehehe! I totally fooled them!”
Zexumi~ “Ummm…DiZ? We can see your feet sticking out from behind the couch.”
DiZ~ “………”
*Mixey and Rixu enter the room.*
Mixey~ “Hey, everybody! Let’s sing the organization theme song!”
Rixu~ “Oh no, not again…”
Marluxia~ “Yay! I love this song!”
All~ “In the Organization, you get cool coats to wear…”
All~ “In the Organization, you get really freaky hair…”
All~ “In the Organization, c’mon and be a shell of a man…”
*All continue singing. Marluxia dances with a mop for no particular reason.*
Axle~ “Hey! Kid…and other kid! I got a mission for you two!”
Zex and Mits~ “Cool! What?”
Axle~ “Cappuccino, tall black, double latte.”
*Zexumi and Mitsuxi both groan.*
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