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Fanfiction ► Chapter One, First Section of Part Two



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Edward*Elric

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I'm going to edit and revise this later, so some of it may not be very good. I know it cuts off at the end. I'll add more to this later, but I'm busy right now...


The rising sun shone bright and young over the lush fields of corn. The sun was just breaking free of the horizon; a ripe, glowing orange hanging plump from its bough, until some colossal entity squeezes it, forcing the light to gush forth in delicious, refreshing cascades. The corn stood rigid, rustling against each other and creating a soothing, scratching sound. A dirt road ran through the ocean of corn, standing out like a comet sailing across the night sky with the appearance of being on the verge of losing itself in the infinity of space.
Two travelers wearing weathered, brown cloaks were on the edge of the road. An over-stuffed brown suitcase sat serenely next to them. One, a tall, lean boy with a wreath of golden hair, stood with his arms folded, gazing intensely down the dirt road with a pair of cold, blue eyes. The other, a shorter girl with long, black hair sat with her head buried in the folds of her cloak, dozing as the sun’s warmth washed over her.
Just as she was falling asleep, the boy said in a hard, stern voice, “Get up, Hana.” Hana moaned and buried her face deeper into her cloak. “Get up!” the boy commanded again, and bent down to grab hold of her arm.
Hana batted him away. “We got no sleep last night! Can’t we just stop for a little while? Reiner, please!”
“We will once we get to Austerstad. We need to move as quickly as possible before the officials find us.” Hana didn’t respond. After a few more minutes of tugging on her cloak, Reiner returned to his staring. “I’m sorry, Hana…” he whispered. “…for everything. My parents…I know I didn’t have to, but it made things so much simpler.” Hana looked up at Reiner. Tears glistened in her beautiful, dark eyes and spilled down her cheeks, sparlking magnificently like tiny jewels in the light.
“Is that it? You just wanted to make things simpler?” she said, her voice wavering. “You killed them!” Reiner whipped around, his handsome face oddly emotionless. He bent down before Hana and looked deep ino her soft eyes. Grass tickled his ankles, kissing them with dew.
“I didn’t want to cause you this pain. But right now, we have to focus and keep pressing on until we reach our goal.” Reiner took Hana’s hand in his, and gently lifted her to her feet. Wiping her eyes with the hem of his sleeve, Reiner smiled and said,
 

Edward*Elric

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Okay, I threw all of that out because it was crap. I was rushing to post more of it up. Once I'm done with the first chapter, I'll post the entire thing. This probably won't be for a while though...(like anyone would actually be waiting). I'm not going to say the new stuff is better, but I think it is.
 

darkisaac

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Ok as the previous person stated you need to space the paragraphs.

I would also advice you not to get your tenses mixed up

See here:

Red= past
Teal= present

Edward*Elric said:
...The rising sun shone bright and young over the lush fields of corn. The sun was just breaking free of the horizon; a ripe, glowing orange hanging plump from its bough, until some colossal entity squeezes it...


Your spelling seems intact, but you might still want to use spellcheck if only for the commas that you're lacking in certain places.

Finally, If your chapter isn't done yet: Don't Post It.

I cannot stress this enough, not only are you bumping down other people's topics, you're also harming yourself by giving an unfinished, rough version of your work.

Other than that you're doing a very good job describing your setting, and you seem to have a wide range of vocabulary, which is always beneficial.
 
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