Angels Craft

[Riku's New Look]

This was written awhile back, maybe a few weeks ago. It was written double spaced, so I'm sorry that its so hard to read and such. And I had it so that it would space out so there wouldn't be any indention unless I wanted them. Sorry for the inconvenience, I'm not sure how to fix that here on KHI. Edit: OK, when I posted it it didn't come out like that, so please, ignore what I just said about the visual problem. ><
Anyway: This is what would be found on the back or the inner left flap of a book if you picked it up. What do yall think? I was thinking about adding a 3rd portion that has to do with Aubrey's Best friend, Kira, because she is a key part in the story. Please, feel free to comment and Critique. I need it. ><

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Aubrey Liandrigs is a prince of two races, the pointy eared elves and the sirens with their angel like wings. While he lives in the Elfish Capital his twin, Kirin, lives in the Siren City far to the east. But on their 15th birthday they are both visited by a strange group of nomadic Vampires. The vampires tell them that they are needed in a struggle that is soon to be known to the world, one that needs both their powers. But this forces Aubrey to leave his best friend, Kira, and Kirin to leave his bed ridden mother. They are recruited and are led to the home of the founder, Merlos Ryner, (Working name there) where they discover each others cooperation in the battles to come.
But that's the least of their worries. Not long after they arrive at the Castle and take their oath Information on a member of the opposing organization is found out and Aubrey finds that he must leave his twin behind to find members of his own: as he is quickly made the Captain of his own Brigade. But there is a catch. The members for his brigade have yet to be found. He must search the surrounding countries for members, people with unique talents and abilities whose uniqueness will awaken the dormant Dragon Eggs.
While Aubrey is off on his mission an accident occurs at the Castle that forces Kirin's captain, Aaron, away from the forge and forces him to name a successor until he recovers. Kirin is chosen and soon finds that Forging weapons and other needed materials is not his only task. He must train the Griffin Riders and the proud mounts they ride, a task that is easier said then done.

 

[Nyangoro]

CORRECTIONS/COMMENTS IN BOLD

Aubrey Liandrigs is a prince of two races, the pointy eared elves and the sirens with their angel-like wings. While he lives in the Elfish Capital his twin, Kirin, lives in the Siren City far to the east. But (Okay, this is a common mistake. You don't start a sentence with a conjunction; like and, but, or, etc. These are used to combine to sentences, not start them off. If you want to start a sentence like this, you have to use a word like "however" followed by a comma.) on their 15th birthday they are both visited by a strange group of nomadic Vampires. The vampires tell them that they are needed in a struggle that is soon to be known to the world, one that needs both their powers. But (Again, the same thing as I previously mentioned.) this forces Aubrey to leave his best friend, Kira, and Kirin to leave his bed ridden mother. They are recruited and are led to the home of the founder, Merlos Ryner, (Working name there) where they discover each others cooperation in the battles to come. (Question: Does that mean they didn't know each other before this happens? I was under the impression that they knew each other, since they were twins. If they didn't know each other, then you should say that from the beginning.)

But that's the least of their worries. Not long after they arrive at the Castle and take their oath, (I've added a comma, because "Not long after they arrive at the Castle and take their oath" is what is called a dependent clause. Basically, it is a clause that is a fragment, and since fragments can't stand alone, it has to be attached to an independent clause, which you followed up with. However, if you don't put a comma between them, it will be confusing, because the reader will think it is one single event.) information on a member of the opposing organization is learned ("found out" doesn't work, unless those in question were directly searching for it, and even then it would just be "found".) and Aubrey finds that he must leave his twin behind to find members of his own: as he is quickly made the Captain of his own Brigade. But there is a catch. The members for his brigade have yet to be found (Omit the entire last two sentences. Before that, you already mentioned that he was searching for members, and that the reason was because he was made the captain of his own brigade.). He must search the surrounding countries for members, people with unique talents and abilities whose uniqueness will awaken the dormant Dragon Eggs.

While Aubrey is off on his mission an accident occurs at the Castle that forces Kirin's captain, Aaron, away from the forge and forces him to name a successor until he recovers. Kirin is chosen and soon finds that Forging weapons and other needed materials is not his only task. He must train the Griffin Riders and the proud mounts they ride, a task that is easier said then done.

Anything that would have been written only weeks ago isn't really considered old, lol. No big deal though, you just don't need to call it that. Also, I noticed indentations in the actual text that I quoted, which makes me think that they were meant to be paragraphs. I could be wrong, but since this forum doesn't really allow for indents, just put a single space between paragraphs.

It's not a bad opening. I find a lot of fantasy to be very cliche, so I worry about that here; however, that's just something you'll have to prove me wrong with the rest of the story. Not much else to say, plot-wise, because there isn't much to go on (though you said this wasn't actually part of the story, but more of a summary to it that is found on the backs, or inside flap, of most books, so I'll let it slide, lol). Also, when you get to the actual story, make sure to write it in past tense, it makes it easier in the long run, because you don't have to worry about accidentally saying something that wouldn't be known by someone "in the moment".

PS: I assume that when you use the words "Captain" and "Brigade" with capital letters, that you are planning to replace those eventually with a proper name. Am I mistaken?

 

[Riku's New Look]

CORRECTIONS/COMMENTS IN BOLD



Anything that would have been written only weeks ago isn't really considered old, lol. No big deal though, you just don't need to call it that. Also, I noticed indentations in the actual text that I quoted, which makes me think that they were meant to be paragraphs. I could be wrong, but since this forum doesn't really allow for indents, just put a single space between paragraphs.

It's not a bad opening. I find a lot of fantasy to be very cliche, so I worry about that here; however, that's just something you'll have to prove me wrong with the rest of the story. Not much else to say, plot-wise, because there isn't much to go on (though you said this wasn't actually part of the story, but more of a summary to it that is found on the backs, or inside flap, of most books, so I'll let it slide, lol). Also, when you get to the actual story, make sure to write it in past tense, it makes it easier in the long run, because you don't have to worry about accidentally saying something that wouldn't be known by someone "in the moment".

PS: I assume that when you use the words "Captain" and "Brigade" with capital letters, that you are planning to replace those eventually with a proper name. Am I mistaken?

lol, yeah, I need to edit that first post, but yes, it doesn't allow for indention and I'm pretty happy about that, and it doesn't allow (as far as i can tell at the moment) for auto double spaceing and it didn't auto my Centered work, which is also good. As for me calling it old, it could have been written any where from a few weeks to a few months ago, with the way that I keep work. xD But conisdering that it includes the twins new name I would say a few weeks ago. My policy is that if it isn't new to me, its old. lol
And about the captain and brigade thing.... I dunno if I'm gonna change the captain thin, it just might be my habit to press the SHIFT key at inappropriet times. Brigade on the other hand may be changed to the actual name of the brigade. I'm working on names for brigades and stuff like that, its not easy.
I would have most of the first chapter on this computer, but the data got whiped when we upgraded it, so either I will ahve to start from scratch or get the printed copy from my friend who was borrowing it. That is, if she didn't throw it away.... please god, i hope she didn't, that was at least 20-30 pages of work.

 

[Nyangoro]

20-30 pages?! Yikes! Now that's a packed chapter, lol!

 

[Riku's New Look]

lol, well, when you consider that I plan to actually get it published its really not that long at all. And I plan on wrapping up that first chapter once I get the pages back. And I know exactly where I want to end it at. I figured it out while watching a movie just now.
Its gonna consist of dancing, naked dwarves that are the distraction that the vampires use to lure Aubrey out into the garden. There they tell him about Haven court and that Merlos Rayner invites him to take part, and that his skills and tallent are greatly needed. On top of that Kira over hears and she gives him his birthday presents (two sets of Duel swords) and then there is a few secret sentences that will be found out later once I get it back -_0 or after I restart it, and that concludes the chapter. After that the 2nd chapter is all about the packing and the begining of the journy to get to Haven court. By Chapter 4 or 5, 6 at the latest, I plan to gave Aubrey Liandrigs standing before Merlos Rayner with his twin and his new companion. Whos name will remain a secret until her unvailing. ^_^ What do you think of that so far?