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Ok. I understand. I have a hard time accepting that sometimes friendships don't happen even if you try really hard to.
I'm just gonna stop going here for awhile and stop posting things since things also became, too much for me. I think it's better if I just hide and not say anything. So much for opening up, I only end up being disappointed. I'm sorry.
No no like, I understand why you're not ready to Skype yet and why you're not comfortable to I really do, and I feel like you can be that friend so in a way I still believe even though you say that you can't.
Yeah I just felt like that's something that not only do a lot of people have in common but in terms of what we have in common and the fact that you said that also gave me hope that we could...talk to each other more.
I'm just afraid that the more I keep telling you about what I stress about I'm also afraid that our friendship isn't going to become natural as I would wish it to be then once it happens I'm afraid that I'm going to start blaming you for everything and our friendship will go downhill.
I know that losing people seems like it's supposed to be a natural part of life when it happens to most people but when I let people in, I start becoming so afraid of losing them because I start to lose a part of me if that makes sense and whenever I start losing someone it's something that I can't get back. That has happened over a bunch of times when I became a teenager and it's happened irl, that my self-confidence started going down and my low-self esteem still beats me up for it.
Idk maybe I'm the one who's starting be at fault here because I started to open up too quickly and I should've known that I would make myself upset and yet I still repeat the same mistakes over and over without realizing it.
A lot of people have told me over time that they couldn't be the friend that I needed.
You're literally repeating the reaction that other people have told me and that does nothing but only make myself worse. That's when I start to lose myself to you but I'm trying not to because I believe that you can be someone who I can talk to.
When I started going to conventions I thought that could be a way for me to start opening up to people so I tried it... but the 3 conventions I experienced so far didn't change anything. I still haven't found people / someone who over time came to like me.
It's clearly my fault now that I started to think about it. I started to put my problems and what I worry about onto you and instead of focusing on knowing each other I'm worrying about this.
I just need you to reassure me what I'm feeling isn't wrong. This is also the main reason why I keep to myself a lot, because if I open up things start to become really messed up and wrong and I started thinking about not sharing myself and not opening up to others because the same problem happens. I just put it onto other different people when I know that's clearly a bad thing.
Oh ok, I'd rather keep it to a minimum though since this forum is based on Kingdom Hearts hehe. I don't wanna you know um...mix things up. Oh, and I thought you also had something to say about my ramblings. I'm not trying to be straight forward I just thought I could be honest about what I'm trying to say. Oh and if you're chilling with your friend, I'll give you space until you're good to talk again.
Ooohh nice. What did you do? Just curious. Also I made a list of the fandoms I'm into and made like....a big paragraph lol I'm just not sure if you reciprocated on that one too.
I still woke up late so in my case I was kind of having a good day then I started to get into the habit of procrastinating on my phone this morning and this usually goes on for like a couple of hrs when I wake up and even though I turned on my PS3 to continue playing BBS I still can't when I could've been playing it a couple of hours ago.
The thing is even though I tell myself that I'm sleeping early I somehow always end up staying up until 12:30am / midnight then my original plan of waking up @ 7:30 get's screwed based on the hours of sleep I'm not even getting so I move it into 8:40 or something...and when I wake up I still feel like I'm not getting the sleep that I want to function like a normal human being then all of the things that I think about doing the next day also get's screwed because I often worry so much about people not getting back to me with consistency here. Then once that happens, I eat at such irregular times that that has also been a repetitive habit of mine. It's like all of a sudden my appetite has dwindled down all because of me worrying when people are going to get back to me here the next day.
I just can't seem to change my habits no matter how hard I try and I honestly wish I had someone to listen. So when I asked when I thought we could add each other on Skype I thought, "hey...wow I might have someone who I can talk to a lot and get to know" but I understand how you don't want to give out your Skype yet.
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