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The End! A Post-Apocalyptic (Unfinished) Story



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Derogon

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Okay somethings you need to read first:

I know that that there is '*' in the beginning. I put them there for a reason and that reason is that I don't know what kind of Job my main character will be in.

I do know there is a slight problem with a couple lines. This is a critque thread and I would like some positive feed back on it if you have it share it, you don't keep a tight lid on it.

I am a fairly amateur writer but I do take this story seriously.

This story also has some graphic content do not read if you don't like some sexaul interactions.

Before you read, do not assume. That is all.

And now my story:


Monday, August 4th, 1998
Empire State Building, Floor 99.
9:45:80pm EST Time.

My name is Thomas Vayne. I am twenty years old, and I live alone. I’m a student attending the University of Columbia, I work as a **** for the **** and this week has been the worst week of my life. Happy birthday to me.

1 week earlier.
Monday, June 29th, 1988
3:58:01pm EST Time.

"Hey Tom, you got a minute?" My boss, Taylor Gaines, called for me from her office. Taylor was a thirty-six year old single lady in New York City, don't get me wrong she's a beautiful lady, the face a goddess would die for, a perfect chest, and a nice ass to top it off. She wore her standard black long skirt that had the cut up to her thigh, her white button up blouse that has three buttons loose at the top, that if you look down correctly you can catch a glimpse of her bare chest.
"Yes Ms. Gaines, you called?" I asked, my red hair falling into my crystal blue eyes. My shirt was a mess and my pants sagged down slightly below protocol. I sat down in the chair across from her desk, Taylor's eyes never leaving her planner. I continued to stare at her amazing chest until she rose her head to look me, quickly I moved my eyes to look into hers. I saw her lips move but I concentrated on them fantasizing about her lips around-
"Mr. Vayne, have you heard a word I said?" I snapped up, shutting my mouth.
"No, Ms. Gaines. I didn't I was thinking of Saturdays night reports." I lied sitting up at an attention.
"Well don't do it when you're talking to me, understood?" My lie smoothed past her.
"Of course, Ms. Gaines." I smiled weakly. "What did you say, Ma'am?"
"I asked do you know why I called you into here?" Her eyes probing mine for answers. "I'll take your silence as a no. Well as you know our reports are saying that we're gaining more money by the week, and it's all thanks to you. I'm wondering what did you do that?" Taylor stood up from her desk as she talked, moving towards the door and closing it shut. My hands begun getting sweaty, I began moving my leg up and down, showing how nervous I am. Taylor moved to the vertical blinds and pulled a string, closing them.
"I just do numbers Ms. Gaines, nothing more." I said nervously moving my leg up and down faster as she moved passed me, I stared at her perfectly round ass until she turned around.
"Really?" She said, giving off a sly smile. "By the way, Tom, call me Taylor." She said as she moved closer, placing her hand on my knee. "Now, answer me truthfully. Do you think I'm hot?" I just nodded my head. "Good." Her hand moving up my thigh gently, she leaned over and kissed me on my lips. She moved to sitting on my lap facing me, smiling slyly, she pulled her long brown hair from the bun that it was in and kissed me again. I moved my hands across her thighs and up to her ass. She giggled quietly against my lips, forcing her tongue into my mouth. I caressed her tongue lightly as her telephone rang.
"Shit!" She said, sighing as she got off my lap and answer her phone. "Hello?" I sat up quickly recovering from the close encounter with my boss. She started unbutton her blouse as she talked on the phone quietly. "Well yes I know the reports have done out. Yes. No, not really. I need to go I have a client on the other line. Bye." She stared at me with lustful eyes "Now where were we? Oh yes. I was ontop of you." Taylor walked back around her desk towards me, her phone ringing once more.
"Hello?" She spoke into the receiver, Taylor just nodded here and there until, "Oh no. Really?" She hung up the phone and picked up her shirt. "I'm sorry about this Tom but I have to go, my sister got into a car wreck." She grabbed her belongings and rushed over to me, kissing me on the lips. "Oh sweetie. I really enjoy you. But we'll have to continue this a another time." She smiled opening the door, I grabbed my personals and left.


This is just a preview I will have more if I get enough people that like this story. Remember positive feedback.

I hope you enjoyed this preview, I know it is a bit graphic but I believe at least every story needs a little steam in it, don't you think? Also thank you for taking your time and reading my story.
 
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tdc456

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You did a pretty good job. I just have a few things to say.

1. You said 1 week earlier but it said June instead of July. Thats actuallly a month. All that needs is a quick edit.

2. The chapter possibly could have been a bit longer. You could have ended it with a cliffhanger sort of situation setting up the next chapter. Just something to think about.

All in all, you are a very good writer in my opinion. This story, I would say, has a lot of room to grow. I'm actually really anticipating another chapter. Because the first chapter seemed a little vague, I want to know the whole "Post-Apocalyptic" thing comes into play.
 

Mordecai

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On top of what TDC said, there's another minor error with the date. I'm guessing it was a typo. You said 1998 first, then after '1 week earlier' it says 1988. I'm wondering which one was the typo, because 10 years could change the theme of your story dramatically.

The writing is nice. I really don't want to critique you with any of it ( run-on sentences or things of that nature ) because it seems like you're trying to be as descriptive as possible. And when people are doing that, they get better, things become easier to describe. So keep it up. I hope you post a new piece of the story soon, especially since this was so short.

Congratulations on getting that 'hook' in there. You haven't revealed anything about the actual story yet and I am definitely interested in finding out. Most writers these days just go "the world is ending right now!" and there isn't anything else left to reveal.
 

Derogon

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You did a pretty good job. I just have a few things to say.

1. You said 1 week earlier but it said June instead of July. Thats actuallly a month. All that needs is a quick edit.

2. The chapter possibly could have been a bit longer. You could have ended it with a cliffhanger sort of situation setting up the next chapter. Just something to think about.

All in all, you are a very good writer in my opinion. This story, I would say, has a lot of room to grow. I'm actually really anticipating another chapter. Because the first chapter seemed a little vague, I want to know the whole "Post-Apocalyptic" thing comes into play.


Lol. It's not all of the first chapter just part of it. I will reveal what I meant by Post Apocalyptic around the 3rd through 5th chapters. If I get around to it.

On top of what TDC said, there's another minor error with the date. I'm guessing it was a typo. You said 1998 first, then after '1 week earlier' it says 1988. I'm wondering which one was the typo, because 10 years could change the theme of your story dramatically.

The writing is nice. I really don't want to critique you with any of it ( run-on sentences or things of that nature ) because it seems like you're trying to be as descriptive as possible. And when people are doing that, they get better, things become easier to describe. So keep it up. I hope you post a new piece of the story soon, especially since this was so short.

Congratulations on getting that 'hook' in there. You haven't revealed anything about the actual story yet and I am definitely interested in finding out. Most writers these days just go "the world is ending right now!" and there isn't anything else left to reveal.

Oh Yes thank you >_< I missed that part I guess. lol It's actually 1998 not 88. I actually took the whole easing it in idea from a book I read in my Senior year of school. The more descriptive I get the more sloppy I get. XD


Well I thank you all for your generous critiques, even if it was only 3 people lol. Any more critiques would be very helpful. Again I thank you all for your help on point out a couple of mistakes I made.

P.S I started this at 3 in the morning, Not bad eh? XD
 

Mordecai

And The Hero Fails
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Hey, get to work.

Thought maybe I'd bump this for some more people to see. Also, double posting is a huge turnoff when it comes to writing stories, at least for me, so maybe this will help you too.

Waiting for the next installment.
 
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